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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

378 replies

StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:02

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 10/06/2023 23:38

I second the idea of a grandparent to give you a break if possible. Or do you know another single mum of a similar-aged child you could “tag” with? you have both kids one night, she has both another night. This has the added bonus that your DD may not feel the need for so
much attention from you if she has a playmate.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:39

rightioly · 10/06/2023 23:09

Is it not possible for him to do Friday to Saturday? Would that work

It would but it’s the same fri, she wants to come home & he can’t commit to fri as he doesn’t know if he’ll be home.

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 10/06/2023 23:39

I think weekend time is valuable though and it’s harsh if she never gets a full weekend with you. How about every other week or once a month? You still get some valued time, it’s not such a commitment for your ex ( though he shouldn’t be moaning) and your daughter gradually gets used to it? And ‘book something’ for the night he has her so it has to be an emergency for it to be cancelled.

DazeOff · 10/06/2023 23:39

My DP works nights sometimes and often visits his family. One thing I've realised is my DD always wants the parent she doesn't have. When DP isn't here for the night "I want my daddy". When I'm not here for the night or DP has DD at families house "I want my mummy". I know it's tough but unless you think there's an underlying reason for your DD not to stay then she needs to be encouraged to.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:40

Clarinet1 · 10/06/2023 23:38

I second the idea of a grandparent to give you a break if possible. Or do you know another single mum of a similar-aged child you could “tag” with? you have both kids one night, she has both another night. This has the added bonus that your DD may not feel the need for so
much attention from you if she has a playmate.

Yes thank you, I’m lucky as I have great friends that do have her for tea/day trips etc & I have theirs but I have no family.

OP posts:
JaukiVexnoydi · 10/06/2023 23:41

I think you need to prioritise the child here. You are right that your ex should be doing more but frankly he doesn't want to and he is happy that the child doesn't want to stay with him so he's not doing much to make her feel at home there.

Look to less useless individuals to help give you occasional nights off - other single mums that you could swap sleepovers with, you may have friends and relatives more willing and able to babysit if you ask. Useless dad isn't the solution to your overstretchedness.

Takenoprisoner · 10/06/2023 23:44

Going to disagree with other posters here. I would insist to ex to not bring her home every time dd says she misses you @StarDolphins. She needs to spend time with dad and dad needs to step up and parent. This is not about not meeting her needs, she is safe and loved at her dads, she just prefers home, so it's about her wants. I don't believe children's every want should come ahead of their parents needs, you need time to yourself. Parenting is relentless at this age, you need a break. My child is now a teenager and his df doesn't ever have him overnight, only takes him for days out and I am burnt out, whereas ex really has no idea how challenging teens can be. It can make you resentful also.

I would say to ex, he needs to keep her overnight, you need a break. Children don't always know what's best, it's parent's job to parent.

Singleandproud · 10/06/2023 23:45

DD never wanted to stay at her dad's, he would drop her back at mine and pick her up the next morning.

It was what was best for her but was challenging for me, I just had to factor in 'me' time in other ways.

Looking back I'm glad I listened to her needs, it turns out she's autistic (although fairly low needs) which we only found out when she was a teen and that change in bedtime routine was probably one change to much when she was younger. I'm not suggesting your DD has ASD of course but that it's important to listen to their gut reaction.

Kiwano · 10/06/2023 23:45

Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

She's 6, for goodness sake. There is no way her situation compares with you as an adult doing things you don't like.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:46

DazeOff · 10/06/2023 23:39

My DP works nights sometimes and often visits his family. One thing I've realised is my DD always wants the parent she doesn't have. When DP isn't here for the night "I want my daddy". When I'm not here for the night or DP has DD at families house "I want my mummy". I know it's tough but unless you think there's an underlying reason for your DD not to stay then she needs to be encouraged to.

This is why I’m torn. I insisted because if I miss daddy’ continually (which she doesn’t say nearly as much since sleepovers) & having spoken to her, the reason ‘I prefer home & I miss you’ is a bit like I don’t want to go to school because I prefer it at home.

But, I just think if I force her, she might resent me & I want her to always know it’s her home to always come to.

I want her to want her to stay
there but I guess it just is what it is & I have to keep home open & put her first.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:48

Kiwano · 10/06/2023 23:45

Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

She's 6, for goodness sake. There is no way her situation compares with you as an adult doing things you don't like.

Not now it doesn’t but if she is taught now that she just has to ‘prefer’ to do something different & she gets it, then she will likely come to expect it.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:51

Singleandproud · 10/06/2023 23:45

DD never wanted to stay at her dad's, he would drop her back at mine and pick her up the next morning.

It was what was best for her but was challenging for me, I just had to factor in 'me' time in other ways.

Looking back I'm glad I listened to her needs, it turns out she's autistic (although fairly low needs) which we only found out when she was a teen and that change in bedtime routine was probably one change to much when she was younger. I'm not suggesting your DD has ASD of course but that it's important to listen to their gut reaction.

Thank you, yes I agree. I will get me time eventually but for now, I will just say she can choose.

OP posts:
WhiteFire · 10/06/2023 23:52

Are you sure it is her instigating the return home or is your ex using it as a 'get out of jail free card '?

Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:57

Takenoprisoner · 10/06/2023 23:44

Going to disagree with other posters here. I would insist to ex to not bring her home every time dd says she misses you @StarDolphins. She needs to spend time with dad and dad needs to step up and parent. This is not about not meeting her needs, she is safe and loved at her dads, she just prefers home, so it's about her wants. I don't believe children's every want should come ahead of their parents needs, you need time to yourself. Parenting is relentless at this age, you need a break. My child is now a teenager and his df doesn't ever have him overnight, only takes him for days out and I am burnt out, whereas ex really has no idea how challenging teens can be. It can make you resentful also.

I would say to ex, he needs to keep her overnight, you need a break. Children don't always know what's best, it's parent's job to parent.

This is why I’m struggling. I agree with every single word of this. Just ‘preferring’ something isn’t really good enough! I orefer some things to others & I don’t always get my choice!

But….I want her to know she can come to me & that I will listen & put her first & that this is her home.

i might suggest we try EOW for 1 night…or bribe her with a plushy pet surprise to stay over there🤣

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 10/06/2023 23:57

I don't believe children's every want should come ahead of their parents needs, you need time to yourself.

Again -it’s not the fault of the 6 year old child that her father is useless.

Fiddlefall · 10/06/2023 23:57

The reasons you state like "I prefer home and miss you" are quite general... Have you spoken in great detail to her? Maybe don't keep digging on this issue, but if you chat more with her in general (just taking interest in her) about what she does at daddy's house, does she enjoy it, what was her favourite thing, etc, she may reveal a lot more. Then you can tell if it's genuine discomfort away from home or your ex giving her go away vibes, or if it's just really mild homesickness that would quickly go away once she's settled in for the night.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 10/06/2023 23:58

Do you think he might be encouraging her to miss mummy so he keeps his nights free?

Don’t worry, this too shall pass, you will get free time again and you’ll think back to the times when you were all she wanted! But yes it is hard.

Blueskies13 · 11/06/2023 00:03

He should be doing more. He is her parent too. But it seems she sees your home as her home not there. She wants her own bed I expect. I would roll with what she wants to do. As tough as it is for you. Could a friend/family member babysit so you can go out once a month etc? In a similar situation so feel your pain!

Codlingmoths · 11/06/2023 00:03

I do quiet time with my older 2 if baby is napping. I tell them to read and I say mummy is reading my book too, it’s quiet time for everyone. Obviously it’s not perfect but planting the seeds! And once they are in bed we can relax with a glass of wine (after cleaning up). If our 7yo isn’t going to bed we get pretty short by 9pm - cut off his sentences and say you can talk about that in the morning, it’s past your bedtime now.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:06

Fiddlefall · 10/06/2023 23:57

The reasons you state like "I prefer home and miss you" are quite general... Have you spoken in great detail to her? Maybe don't keep digging on this issue, but if you chat more with her in general (just taking interest in her) about what she does at daddy's house, does she enjoy it, what was her favourite thing, etc, she may reveal a lot more. Then you can tell if it's genuine discomfort away from home or your ex giving her go away vibes, or if it's just really mild homesickness that would quickly go away once she's settled in for the night.

I have done this & she
mentions he hasn’t got pets, his bed is too big, room too hot etc. (I’ve asked him to negotiate any of these he is able to)

She sleeps in my bed at home so he’s offered to sleep in the bed with her but no still doesn’t want to.

Once they’ve done something in the morn/early aft, they then go to his flat until bedtime whereas at home, after tea we go out
in summer so I just think it’s the different routine & her not doing what she does at home.

Ive had light chats with her & that’s all she can tell me. Just random reasons of missing me/our dog/just prefers home.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:08

EnjoyingTheSilence · 10/06/2023 23:58

Do you think he might be encouraging her to miss mummy so he keeps his nights free?

Don’t worry, this too shall pass, you will get free time again and you’ll think back to the times when you were all she wanted! But yes it is hard.

I don’t think he’s encouraging her. I do think he’s more than happy for her to come home though.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:09

Codlingmoths · 11/06/2023 00:03

I do quiet time with my older 2 if baby is napping. I tell them to read and I say mummy is reading my book too, it’s quiet time for everyone. Obviously it’s not perfect but planting the seeds! And once they are in bed we can relax with a glass of wine (after cleaning up). If our 7yo isn’t going to bed we get pretty short by 9pm - cut off his sentences and say you can talk about that in the morning, it’s past your bedtime now.

I’m going to try this tomorrow. I’m constant playmate currently so this will be helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:12

Blueskies13 · 11/06/2023 00:03

He should be doing more. He is her parent too. But it seems she sees your home as her home not there. She wants her own bed I expect. I would roll with what she wants to do. As tough as it is for you. Could a friend/family member babysit so you can go out once a month etc? In a similar situation so feel your pain!

I have no family to help but I have v good friends that do help so I do get a bit of time off but I use this for cleaning.

I have said she can come home but any nights out she has to stay there. I just don’t want him babysitting her here, I hate coming home at the end of my night to him here.

OP posts:
Axahooxa · 11/06/2023 00:14

she is safe and loved at her dads,

you don’t know this.
if she’s saying she doesn’t want to stay- do not make her.

He’s clearly not a man of good character in the way he speaks to you, insulting your body and making unwelcome comments. He’s an ex for a reason, I’d imagine.

ponderingsoul · 11/06/2023 00:14

I feel for you but I think your ex sounds horrible and it seems unlikely he is willing to put the extra effort in to make her feel more comfortable and want to stay with him. So, for me, I’d want her home with me and let that happen.

It sounds more worthwhile putting some effort into finding ways to take some ‘time off’ while she is with you. Even if it’s after she’s gone to bed, or just introducing the concept of you having something to do and her entertaining herself (and your ‘something’ isn’t a chore but something nice for yourself). Not a bad lesson for her to see you modelling some self care and it gets easier the more you do it.