“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

Money isn’t an issue but he likes quiet parks for a short time. I’ve suggested an event (summer family fun day) for this Sat where all her friends will be but there will be a time limit on it.

Even just a stroll to her main park(which he lives next to!) after tea to get out of the flat would help the sleepover routine but not f he’s been out in the day he won’t unless I force him.

I think that’s what set last Saturdays chaos off. He took her to the park from 1.30-2.45 then back to the flat so by 7.30pm she was probably climbing the walls. It was a nice day so I don’t get all this sitting in. But he really doesn’t like me mentioning this, he gets v shitty.

Oh my word, your poor DD & poor you, that’s so sad. I would be distraught. So sorry you have to go through this🥲

This. I sympathise OP but I am in a situation where my 8 year old sobs almost every night about having to go to her dad's. He doesn't care and she has to go as there's a court order.

I appreciate it must feel rubbish but it could be so much worse.

um i do sympathise never been in this situation myself i prefered mine going out when they were younger also i dont stay in if its nice i like my grandaughters to be out. you wouldnt have to mention it if he put his big girl pants on and stepped up also he shouldnt get shitty with you. us mums need a break its a hard job being a mum etc. from these messagess youre a fantastic mum never for get that. unfortunately stuck with a shitty ex. he must have friends who are dads maybe get him to arrange play dates.Most of all look after yourself and youre little girl. if possible get out yourself you need me time to.

Darling, this isn’t an attacking question so please don’t think I’m trolling as I’d never do that to anyone.
Why do you force your daughter to go somewhere she doesn’t want to?

thats ok! I prefer to days I insist rather than force🤪.

It’s a mixture of her saying she misses him so this is a chance to spend a longer period with him, it good for her. Also me being able to recharge & have a little break. I felt is was good for all of us to have a change of routine for 1 night per week.

We’ve been split up for nearly 2 years & she’s stayed less than 15 times.

*say

Did you not read the post she quoted in her response?

It said "So many mums have to force their children to go to shit dads because the courts force them."

Thank you! Yes it’s so important to be outdoors I think! He has friends but only ever sees her on his own (he doesn’t like others kids!) plus his friends kids aren’t already her friends whereas my friends seem to have all had daughters around the same age so she’s grown up with these friends!

Sorry my mistake, I just saw this reply. Apologies, I missed it.

I did not see the reply.
I was asking Teadi

She has stayed less than 15 times because it seems to me that you want him to be you.
spending all day everyday full of activities is just ridiculous. Also, it’s nothing to do with you what he decides they should do with their time together.
Sometimes, I don’t do anything with my kids and we just chill. Nothing wrong with that at all.
You have to just leave them to it. If you want to have a night off once a week, leave her at her dads, allow the bonding to commence and stop trying to control everything.
Spending time together doesn’t have to be constantly doing things and it’s not a bad thing for your child to learn.
Or don’t allow the sleepover and stop moaning about it…

I think you’ve misinterpreted what the OP was getting at.
I don’t think she is trying to control.
Her daughters dad sounds like he can’t really be bothered to me. More of a chore.

I may have misinterpreted your comment, it just sounded like it came a bit attacking ✌🏻

I really feel for you. My situation is similar but thankfully my ex does agree that it's a set thing and we both just explain if he never slept at daddy's he'd miss daddy too.

We also both make it clear that I am allowed to have a life, have a rest, watch my own TV choices, see my friends etc. Basically that I have needs too and that one night a week is perfectly reasonable for me to need.

I think if you've no concerns about her care whilst there overnight it would be best to stick to your guns BUT if he's not supporting that plan and making it clear he'd happily drop her off home you'll be fighting a losing battle.

If he can't commit to one overnight a week (which in itself is a piss poor amount of parenting) then can he not have her for more day time hours?? Eg a couple of times a week she goes with him for lunch or tea, or a few hours at the park etc.

You are only human and can only run for so long without a break.

I do remind mine that if they never slept at daddies they'd miss daddy too. And that sometimes it's nice and even needed for me to have some time to myself.

Also when you are "on duty" dont fall into the trap of being Mary Poppins 24/7. I often joke with my friend that I need to neglect my kids a bit more so they're not so obsessed with me. 🤣 I make a point everyday of saying I'm not playing right now it's time for me to sit with a cup of tea, it's my turn for a TV choice, nonwe can't go to x/y/z I'm tired etc. Basically they need regular reminders the world doesn't revolve around them as at their young ages they definitely think it does and if you're an active engaged parent that's tiring.

Quite right, his time his rules. But if he chooses to sit in the flat for 5 hours & sticking the tv on because he’s rough or tired then he will always end up bringing her back.

It’s summer, sitting in a 1 bed flat all afternoon where there’s no toys (bar 2 that she’s bored of) is going to make any kid want to go home surely?

thank you, your ex sounds good & supportive. I think mine really isn’t fussed either way or he wouldn’t ring every sat night! He would have her if she wanted to stay but also he is happy to bring her back so he can have a rested sat night & a lie in sun!

He can’t have her regularly in the week, he can occasionally have her for tea once a week (but then if he got back early a second day, he wouldn’t offer seeing her again). That’s why I insisted on sleepover.

Thank you! I absolutely don’t want him to be like me, Do I want him to try to try a bit harder? yes probably. To try & see it from her pov I guess. He sees her once per week so yes it should be good. It’s me having her 95% of the time that should be sat in front of tv with her. He should be making sleepovers work. But instead, she mentions home, he brings her.

I only suggest things to him (his choice whether to do them) if not, she’s bored, he’s tetchy! She’s used to seeing her friends & having an active life so to then do a lots of sitting round with just him gives her lots of time to think about home!

Reading all your posts on the thread I think you have a really good plan. A full long day, a set time you'll pick her up if not sleeping over. That alongside you shifting things a little at home I think is a good approach.

Reading about his behaviour and flat it doesn't sound like she is getting any benefit from an overnight there so you picking her up just before bed time is probably for the best for now.

My ex has many, many faults and does only have him one night a week BUT his house is like a toy shop, he co-sleeps like I do (my ds is younger than yours, preschool age), he's even adopted a pet like we have here that ds adores, he makes plans that he knows they'll look forward to etc. I think he'd be ashamed to admit he never has them overnight as he cares what people think, whereas your ex seems to have no shame on this front. 🙄

Good luck with shifting things around to work for you and your dd. You sound like a lovely caring mum. ❤️

Also yep, never let him in your home. His behaviour towards you is hideous. No surprise he's an ex.

I think if he couldn’t be bothered he would say no to the one night a week overnight.
it doesn’t add up.
just sounds like each parent is the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of how much entertainment they offer and what I am saying is that there is nothing wrong with just taking things steady.
Let the child get used to staying overnight with her dad, 6 weeks is not a long time for it to become a habit.
I know it was a fairly blunt message but she is complaining about what he does but the reality is that so long as no harm comes to the child then it’s none of her business. Does he complain she she is like a child’s entertainer and doesn’t give the child a break to have time to play by herself ?
sharing beds at 6? Come on…

I think your daughter will pick up on your exs words and behaviour. I think you need to stick to your guns and he has her one night a week to build a routine - but speak about why she’s saying she wants to come home and what he can do to help her with anxiety. What can you send with her from her bedroom to help ?

Just seen your post about her constantly interrupting you to make you watch and praise her dance performances.

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh but just trying to chime in with the dad's POV – spoilt and attention seeking children can really wear you out. I can only take 30 mins to 1.5 hours of such children, so I understand where the dad is coming from!

Of course he's her dad though so he HAS to step up. But it wasn't his choice to spoil her throughout the week, and now he has to cope with the consequences.

To reiterate, he NEEDS to step up and can't just watch TV around her, but from experience, I can empathise with the sheer drain of attention seeking kids!

thank you & I agree, I actually feel the same as you & agree.

She needs praise because her Dad does (even by his own admission - he will openly admit he needs to ‘be put on a pedestal’ by both a girlfriend & his employer otherwise he will lose interest - which is what he used to threaten me with!)and that is where this part has come from. He over praises (I’m so proud you wrote your name/counted to 10 - really small things a 3yr old can do, I’m the proudest daddy etc) her continually in between stroking her/adoring her!

i do spoil her with attention I absolutely am guilty of that. I will (not so much for the last year) often stop what I’m doing for her to show me something. She does shout through & say watch my cartwheel etc & from Sunday I’ve been saying each time “I will in 5 mins when I’ve done xyz. She accepts this & waits but reminds me after the 5 mins is up! & she doesn’t get bratty, she just holds me to it!

She actually has got it tough currently with none of us doing her any favours. I am taking (slow) steps to rectify this. We went to the woods earlier & I did 2 hide & seek, 1 quick dance comp then she played on her own for 25 mins without complaint while I paid bills & chatted to a neighbour.

I always send her bunny & ask if she wants to take anything else. He says he’s asked her what he can do to help her stay there & she said the room was too hot, she’s awake before him & the usual miss mummy.

I just need to distance myself from him & his parenting, there are many issues that I just don’t want to see/hear & this back & forth over sleepovers is meaning a lot more contact from him (only recently have I managed to stop him texting/ringing me multiple times a day, including when she’s with him).

She is adamant she only wants to go for the day with no sleepover. I will ask her each Fri if she wants to stay & take her answer as final. I will then text him & say a time for him to pick her up & a time I will collect her in the evening.

If she wants to start sleepovers again, I will be more than happy for her to do so.

He wouldn’t say no at all. He would go along with it (probably betting on her wanting to come home) because he wouldn’t ever be able to have her see that he’s said no. He wants everyone to like thin & this wouldn’t rest well with him.

I’m not even allowed to ask him in front of her if he’ll be able to have her for tea…’because it makes him look like the bad guy’ if he can’t.

Also, it’s not 6 weeks. We’ve been split up nearly 2 years! I’ve been trying intermittently over this period to get this off the ground.