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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

378 replies

StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:02

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

OP posts:
Axahooxa · 11/06/2023 00:14

Get a babysitter that’s not him!

nolongersurprised · 11/06/2023 00:16

StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:19

I only ever have 2 glasses but I enjoy peace! I feel like my head’s about to combust after6 days of let’s do this yoga pose, your turn to sing, your turn to dance, come see this, your turn to juggle, let’s bike, let’s climb & so on!

But yes, I think I will slow it down & let her decide.

Show quote history

You sound wonderfully attentive but it’s ok and probably good for them NOT to be so attentive all the time.

Can she play/read/draw by herself without needing constant interaction/validation?

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:16

Fiddlefall · 10/06/2023 23:57

The reasons you state like "I prefer home and miss you" are quite general... Have you spoken in great detail to her? Maybe don't keep digging on this issue, but if you chat more with her in general (just taking interest in her) about what she does at daddy's house, does she enjoy it, what was her favourite thing, etc, she may reveal a lot more. Then you can tell if it's genuine discomfort away from home or your ex giving her go away vibes, or if it's just really mild homesickness that would quickly go away once she's settled in for the night.

To add, she has stayed the last 4 weeks & said she had fun but was upset at night & wanted to come home each time she stayed.

The weeks she’s stayed, she hardly says she misses daddy in the following week but if she doesn’t stay she misses him in the week. This is why I set it up.

They’re both happy with just a day visit.

OP posts:
ponderingsoul · 11/06/2023 00:17

You can always let her have half an hour with a game on your phone while you sit with a coffee in the garden in peace as a back up plan surely - that’s the kind of thing I do, and I feel no guilt about it!

Axahooxa · 11/06/2023 00:19

Maybe when she stays she remembers how awful he is, so she doesn’t say she misses him.

Maybe she says she misses him, but really means ‘I want attention from daddy and I don’t get any. Even when I’m there.’

it might be a mistake to interpret ‘I miss him’ in a way an adult might mean it. Children often say things but their meaning and intention is different.

Axahooxa · 11/06/2023 00:20

My daughter said she missed her absent father. He was a total shit. She really meant that she wanted him to be a good dad- he never was, he’s still not. Thankfully we dont ever have to see him.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:20

nolongersurprised · 11/06/2023 00:16

You sound wonderfully attentive but it’s ok and probably good for them NOT to be so attentive all the time.

Can she play/read/draw by herself without needing constant interaction/validation?

Show quote history

No she can’t!

She watches tv fine on her own but any activity, it’s like we’re two friends that do it together.

This is my fault. I was neglected as a child so I have overdone it. I’m trying so hard to correct this.

if there’s me & one of her friends, she would now choose her friend & will happily go off & play but at home, I’m her friend.

OP posts:
Axahooxa · 11/06/2023 00:21

This is my fault. I was neglected as a child so I have overdone it. I’m trying so hard to correct this.

don’t feel bad though- you sound like a brilliant mum. She’ll get more into her own friends in time. You’re doing great.

Sothisisitthen · 11/06/2023 00:23

I think you can be less attentive. There is seriously no need to be your daughter’s “constant playmate”. Solo play is good for children (when balanced with other things obviously).

Doesn’t help with the desdbeat ex of course. Stop letting him in your house!

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:26

Axahooxa · 11/06/2023 00:19

Maybe when she stays she remembers how awful he is, so she doesn’t say she misses him.

Maybe she says she misses him, but really means ‘I want attention from daddy and I don’t get any. Even when I’m there.’

it might be a mistake to interpret ‘I miss him’ in a way an adult might mean it. Children often say things but their meaning and intention is different.

Maybe this is right actually. When she’s there, she gets probably too much attention from him (constantly stroking her, telling her how wonderful he is, how much he loves & misses her etc)

But never goes to anything, never booked a day off for dads day at school, sports day, nativity etc. she’s noticed this so maybe it’s the wrong type of attention & she’s more unsure of how sincere he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:28

Axahooxa · 11/06/2023 00:21

This is my fault. I was neglected as a child so I have overdone it. I’m trying so hard to correct this.

don’t feel bad though- you sound like a brilliant mum. She’ll get more into her own friends in time. You’re doing great.

Thank you, that’s lovely! She soon forgets about me if one of her friends are around which I’m really pleased about!

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:31

Sothisisitthen · 11/06/2023 00:23

I think you can be less attentive. There is seriously no need to be your daughter’s “constant playmate”. Solo play is good for children (when balanced with other things obviously).

Doesn’t help with the desdbeat ex of course. Stop letting him in your house!

Tomorrow we have a party so when we get home, I will try to encourage this, you’re right & I know you are.

I have started saying I will pick her up so he doesn’t have to drop her off then I can grab & go but today he’s had to bring her back as I’d had a glass of wine & thought she was staying there so then I got lumbered with loitering Lenny for an hour!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/06/2023 00:33

StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:25

This is his suggestion. Swap houses for a night but honestly, I don’t want him here.

He lingers for an hour at drop off commenting ‘you’ve lost weight, what’s happened to your titties etc & looking me up & down so I would feel far too exposed having him here. He used to ‘babysit’ her here when I went out but I would dread coming back.

I used to run through the door saying I think I’ve got the shits🤣 (he’d be sat ion my sofa, feet up, glass of wine with an expectant look!

Show quote history

I’m not surprised you don’t want this. It’s a terrible suggestion. Your house is your sanctuary, the last thing you want is your exh in it.

Ive got so much sympathy for you - it’s incredibly hard to be on as a single parent all the time. Having your child / ren at home all the time as part of a married couple is nothing at all like it.

I think you’re getting some very unsympathetic responses. Could you go to every other Saturday with her dad? And/ or a night during the week?

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:42

ponderingsoul · 11/06/2023 00:17

You can always let her have half an hour with a game on your phone while you sit with a coffee in the garden in peace as a back up plan surely - that’s the kind of thing I do, and I feel no guilt about it!

This sounds wonderful!

She would just keep interrupting me saying look at this mummy etc or guess what such a body did today etc!

I will give it a go tomorrow!

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 11/06/2023 00:45

Gosh, this is a difficult one. You can't force someone to be a good dad but you can support/manipulate it. I'm pretty sure that's your ultimate aim.
I'd start by suggesting you swap the Saturday evening to the Friday so the staying over part is first when she's enthusiastic, so Friday teatime to Saturday teatime. It might mean an awkward 'start' time but if you're just using your free night to relax rather than socialise for now that's still an evening to yourself and the opportunity of a lie in.
If he wants to feed her McDonalds and let her stay up late every week I'd let that slide.

I'm not quite as giving as some of the other posters. I do think you should be able to say 'tough luck' to both of them when she wants to come home. I don't actually think you're doing her any favours instilling that you're always there for her 24 7. That might be a bit controversial as I know many parents believe that a child should think exactly that and that your child should always come first. Yes, their needs should, but their wants shouldn't trump yours and certainly not your needs.
I think you need 24hrs off once a week. Not because you're at breaking point, or can't fulfil your role as a mother, but because it's fair and you will be a better person for it. You shouldn't have to wait till you can't go on to get this.
Those saying you can relax when your child's in bed...I get it. No you can't.
Try the Friday night ....even if its late and you do her tea. Pack her off to dad's and get a takeaway.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:47

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/06/2023 00:33

I’m not surprised you don’t want this. It’s a terrible suggestion. Your house is your sanctuary, the last thing you want is your exh in it.

Ive got so much sympathy for you - it’s incredibly hard to be on as a single parent all the time. Having your child / ren at home all the time as part of a married couple is nothing at all like it.

I think you’re getting some very unsympathetic responses. Could you go to every other Saturday with her dad? And/ or a night during the week?

Show quote history

Thank you, yes it’s hard isn’t it at times. I definitely don’t want him in my house.

I’ve left it with both of them for 1 night EOW instead of every week to see how it goes & I will gently have some more chats in the week with her but I will have to go to none at all if she isn’t happy with this.

She occasionally goes for tea in the week but not much as he works late so it’s if he gets home early on a night where she doesn’t have clubs.

OP posts:
mayorofcasterbridge · 11/06/2023 00:47

You need to have a proper discussion about this with your ex. You need to set out basic standards of behaviour, like being there for her sports day etc.

He also needs to create a diversion strategy for times like this when she wants to come home to you.

He clearly doesn't have/is unwilling to have a clue about how to deal with his child. He's a p/t parent, so how would he? You are going to have to set out your expectations to him. One night a week is far from too much to ask.

And don't let him in the door when he brings her home!

Shelby2010 · 11/06/2023 00:51

My top tip for getting a primary aged child to play on their own is to suggest they come & do their homework, spellings or times tables. I don’t hear a peep out of DD2 for an hour or so! 🤣

Floralnomad · 11/06/2023 00:51

Does she not have grandparents on her dads side that would like to take her out on a weekend ?

halfpasteleven · 11/06/2023 00:52

My DS hated going to his dad when he was 6... he didn't have the words to tell me exactly why but sadly it turns out exdh's new partner was abusing him- physically and mentally.
He now sees his dad for day visits close to where we live.

I'm not for a minute suggesting your DD is experiencing anything like this btw.

I will say listen to your child. If she's happy else where and not at her dads something is up.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:53

JudgeRudy · 11/06/2023 00:45

Gosh, this is a difficult one. You can't force someone to be a good dad but you can support/manipulate it. I'm pretty sure that's your ultimate aim.
I'd start by suggesting you swap the Saturday evening to the Friday so the staying over part is first when she's enthusiastic, so Friday teatime to Saturday teatime. It might mean an awkward 'start' time but if you're just using your free night to relax rather than socialise for now that's still an evening to yourself and the opportunity of a lie in.
If he wants to feed her McDonalds and let her stay up late every week I'd let that slide.

I'm not quite as giving as some of the other posters. I do think you should be able to say 'tough luck' to both of them when she wants to come home. I don't actually think you're doing her any favours instilling that you're always there for her 24 7. That might be a bit controversial as I know many parents believe that a child should think exactly that and that your child should always come first. Yes, their needs should, but their wants shouldn't trump yours and certainly not your needs.
I think you need 24hrs off once a week. Not because you're at breaking point, or can't fulfil your role as a mother, but because it's fair and you will be a better person for it. You shouldn't have to wait till you can't go on to get this.
Those saying you can relax when your child's in bed...I get it. No you can't.
Try the Friday night ....even if its late and you do her tea. Pack her off to dad's and get a takeaway.

This is a fantastic idea. The sleepover before the full day would be miles better. She’s excited as she’s not seen him for days but not had a full day to do first.

He does say generally he can’t do Fridays as he doesn’t know if he’ll be back but I will text him tomorrow & offer to give her tea & drop her whenever he’s back.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:55

halfpasteleven · 11/06/2023 00:52

My DS hated going to his dad when he was 6... he didn't have the words to tell me exactly why but sadly it turns out exdh's new partner was abusing him- physically and mentally.
He now sees his dad for day visits close to where we live.

I'm not for a minute suggesting your DD is experiencing anything like this btw.

I will say listen to your child. If she's happy else where and not at her dads something is up.

She loves being there, just not staying over. She doesn’t hate it I don’t think, she just much prefers being at home with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 00:57

Floralnomad · 11/06/2023 00:51

Does she not have grandparents on her dads side that would like to take her out on a weekend ?

She does but they don’t live near & they’re both still working & they do come up for 1 day in the hols to childmind but I’m working so not time to myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 01:04

you're right in that he doesn’t have a clue about parenting at all but he just says it comes natural to
mums & that’s why dads are like this when I point anything out. Failing that, he gets shitty saying I’m critical of him all the time.

So I decided to just concentrate on how I parent her. If he wants to give her haribos before bed then he has to deal with her up all night. Except he doesn’t, he just brings her home.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 01:05

@mayorofcasterbridge sorry my above comment didn’t quote!

OP posts: