“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

Definitely this.

Exactly this.
You sound completely well meaning but are probably are creating attachment issues.

Could she go to her Dad on Saturday and Sunday, but just for the day?

It seems you are doing far too much with her to make her happy/compensate for something; but I do get you want a bit of me time and unless you think your ex is abusive or neglectful I will let her stay one night per week at his and say you have plans and are not home; otherwise she will never get used to it and he will just enjoy his single life.

I think you have, accidentally and with the best motives, become very enmeshed with DD. It's a much bigger wrench to go from sleeping with mummy in her bed to sleeping at daddy's house in a bed on my own, than it would be to just switch from one single bed to another. Sleeping in Daddy's bed is on the borderline of being appropriate and certainly won't be in a few years' time.

I would start by beginning to encourage independence at home. That way you aren't setting her up to fail. I assume she has got a bed? I would go to Dunelm or Next or somewhere with her today to start shopping for a new big girl duvet cover, some sparkly fairy lights for her bed head, a nightlight, that sort of thing. Then she needs to start the night in her own bed with a cuddle, a story, warm milk and off you go to watch TV.
She can have a reward chart too - something like, if she stays in her own bed 3 nights in the week she can choose some sweets at the shop, if it's 4 nights she can get an ice-cream at the cafe, and if it's 5,6 or 7 nights she gets to choose a new beanie toy. Then gradually extend the number of nights for each reward until a beanie is only for 7 nights. Do that for a month or so and she'll be in her own bed and the transition to Daddy will be far easier.

You and DD are a family, not a child entertainment factory. In a family, everybody has needs and you all work together to make a situation that gives everybody enough and nobody is neglected. You aren't going to help DD in the long run if she believes the world revolves entirely around her and her wants and requests. You are allowed to be too tired sometimes, or have some work to do. Just not all the time! Balance!

He needs to suck it up and parent his child. Why do men think they can opt out?

And with your daughter, the more she stays the better she will feel, encourage her to take some of her nice things and make her bedroom at his more homely.

To try & answer a few points…& I will be back later too!

I can’t have him look after her at my house, I don’t want him to be here & yesterday in 23 degrees I had to put my Oodie on because he comments on my weight/body.

I can’t do anything once she’s in bed, she doesn’t fall asleep until knocking on 9 then I have to clear up then go to bed.

I don’t think he tells her she’s missing me, this is definitely coming from her & she even says it to me before the sleepover that she doesn’t want to stay. She’s not shy about saying what she wants She says she loves the day there & really misses daddy but wants to come home.

He tells her continually how great he is, you’ve got the best daddy etc, you look just like daddy, you love your daddy, your body is a [his surname} body but I don’t think he’s encouraging her not to stay. More like by bedtime the fun Bobby facade is running thin. She might notice this.

He’s definitely not disappointed to bring her home, he likes a lie in & he likes time to himself and now he’s accepting there’s no reconciliation, I suspect he’s searching for a girlfriend & wondering how he would fit it in if she’s staying every week. He has suffered EOW for 1 night.

Me too! And they are in turn well able to articulate their feelings and advocate for themselves. I am exhausted just reading the OP's (very well meaning) description of her approach. Even if I were willing to put this much effort into parenting - I'm not - I'm not convinced it's the best way or that the returns on it are worth it. I have a friend who sounds very like the OP, an incredibly involved and self sacrificing mum. She has three children, the oldest of whom is now 18. They are perfectly grand, nice children but for all the attention lavished seemingly no better or worse than those of parents who have taken a more laissez fair approach and not tied themselves in knots.

He only has a 1 bedroom flat so she sleeps in his bed & he sleeps on blow up bed in lounge. So it’s very male bedroom but I will rotate toys to take. I also suggest places to take her so she’s out & about.

I think as pp suggested, I might do it so the sleepover is first before the day iyswim then she’s excited to see him rather than having a full day there first!

Thing is, I can’t disagree. You’re right & it’s unsustainable. I recognise it’s my fault & with the determination that she would get the opposite of my childhood, I’ve created this situation.

With one six year old why on earth are you waiting on her going to bed to clear up? (And how much clearing up can there be?) You could be doing that all along while she does something else, leaving you with nothing to do but relax once she's in bed. Housework, cooking, laundry etc are also acts of love, not just playtime and attention. It is almost like you are the fun babysitter only it's 24 hours a day so not remotely sustainable. I think if you had more balance and time to yourself the other days, then this issue you posted about wouldn't loom so large. Though I would still be strongly encouraging her staying at Dads.

I think you need to stop these snide comments he is making too. Firmly. Because if he does it with you what will the effect be on DD?
Next time he says anything like this to you, please just say firmly "do not make any further comments like that please" and repeat until he stops. Don't explain why or anything, just give the instruction.

Yes she has a bedroom. She’s 7 in less than 2 months so I’ve said I will be doing her bedroom up with her input. She’s chosen some more grown up wallpaper ready. I really want her to be back in her own bed.

my friend is a HV & I spoke to her about her sleeping in my bed & she said it won’t be detrimental to her development & that it won’t be forever so I stopped getting stressed about the sleeping with me but I don’t think it’s good so need to get this sorted asap. Staring with a nice new room/incentive to stay in there!

I do this with a mixture of ignoring but hasn’t worked up to now, he’s very arrogant. Me doing drop off & pick up is far better as I just collect & go.

I think 6 is a tricky age and that things will probably be different in a year or two as she’ll grow up fast. I remember being made to stay overnight somewhere I didn’t want to and it was awful. It made me more ‘clingy’ not less. So I wouldn’t force the overnights. I would be casual about it and say that she can try again when she’s a bit more grown up.

I totally get what you’re saying about having an evening where you can relax. I found that I had to shift the way I dealt with my DC around that age. It’s a change from them being ‘babies’ and needing attention all the time to becoming more independent. So, encouraging independent play (in her room without you, doing some art or craft while you cook, etc etc) is important. At that age they should begin to understand that Mummy needs to relax and do her own things and that they can’t have attention every minute of the day.

Start gradually and slowly cut down a little. My ex does b*** all with DC so I felt I had to fill every moment with me with activities. I realise that I don’t, and cutting down a little means I feel better and that’s better for them too.

She has this option at his too, he’s offered to sleep in his bed with her but she still wants to come home.

Of course you’re 100% right. She knows & agrees she will be moving back to her own bed at 7.

As I mentioned earlier my DD hated sleeping over so ex had her 8:30-6pm Saturday - 8:30-6pm Sunday. I'm not saying it was perfect for me but it's what DD needed. She doesn't see her father as a dad though he is more of an Uncle figure in her life, she likes to visit but home is home.

DD was also a late sleeper and in the Summer we'd take our dinner out with us and go for a walk to the beach etc and eat there.

Also think of what hobbies you would like and try and incorporate her into it. So for me I enjoy going to the cinema and theatre so I started training her early, cheap kids club and children's theatre shows etc from 2.5 years until she could reliably sit through a proper show quietly. This then meant we could go to musical matinées and things when she was 5 onwards and would stay in London for a week for Kids theatre week in August and now she's a teen it's still something she enjoys doing with me and we go to proper grown up productions. But even if it was Dora the Explorer it almost felt like a 'me' thing.

Oh and to help them sleep alone, my DD explained to me she liked sleeping with me because I was warm and squishy, so I bought her a big one of those pregnancy pillows that wrap around you and she's slept with one of those ever since, cosied up in her 'nest'.

I also see that DH has her sleep in his bed and she has a blow up bed in the lounge. Could that be changed in any way? Could he have a daybed instead of or as well as his sofa? Could she have what I used to call an "adventure bed" at his house? A chair that unrolls to become a bed? A pop up tent in the living room? Make the dining room table into a tent with a huge throw and have a mattress under it?

Something like this https://www.laura-james.co.uk/products/una-single-sofa-bed-blue

Or this https://www.amazon.co.uk/MyLayabout-Memory-Chairbed-Mattress-Colour/dp/B01N448Z17/ref=asc_df_B01NBASWYO/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309827245646&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3210492077615620196&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046455&hvtargid=pla-700764229348&psc=1&th=1

Or a tent like this https://www.snuggy.com/products/snuggy-pod-bed-tent-navy?currency=GBP&variant=32761949225006&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw4ZWkBhA4EiwAVJXwqYC1a4bx91BJn5f7LYQClc872q6Aw9lDfikuKHsynM7pxUplJSXILBoC2SEQAvD_BwE

Or my DD at 6 would have LOVED a sleep space like this in a corner of the living room or dad's bedroom https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/695970453/play-tent-canopy-bed-in-white-canvas

Sorry she has his bed & he sleeps in lounge but there’s nothing in his room that is comforting. At home there’s her, me & our dog & various sqishmallows on the bed & there is just his bed & whatever teddy she takes.

i will have a look at the links thank you! Maybe if his room/flat was more child friendly it would settle her a bit more.

if I had to guess. I would say it’s more that after spending the day with him, his ‘look how fun & great I am’ routine is wearing thin & he’s tired & starting to get shirty & less fluffy & she can see right through it. He can only keep this up for a time then his real personality wins.

Op, you sound so patient but you are not doing her any favours by indulging her every whim, every minute of every day.
Nobwonder you are worn out.

She needs to learn to self soothe by entertaining herself.

She also needs to be introduced to "mummy time".

Mummy time is when you get some peace.
You are not to be interrupted, unless she is on fire.

If she finds this very difficult to do, it will only show you how much she needs to learn it.

Mummy time is about teaching her consideration for others, that she needs to learn to wait, and that her every need cannot always be instantly met.

Consideration of others IS something that needs to be taught and it needs teaching by parents.

You need to explain this to her and stick by it.

I mean it kindly but you will have serious problems as she grows up if you don't instill consideration of others.

It will impact her friendships as she grows.

As for her father, you need to take her at the door and tell him goodnight, he sounds like an awful creep.

Mind yourself, you are doing a great job, but doing too much isn't the way.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, I'm tired, entertain yourself now and mummy is taking a rest.

I have 4 children and I would have gone quite mad if I was expected to play with them every minute.

I know she is an only child, but she still needs to be able to play alone.

Good luck.

I know this must be exhausting now, but if it helps then as she gets older the things she wants to with you will become more fun for you too. I have teenage daughters and it is fantastically good fun doing things with them.
For now, try and where possible pick activities that are also fun for you. What do you enjoy doing ?
At the same time encourage some more independent play. Craft things, cooking etc. My friend’s only child became really good at cooking from around seven or eight, he enjoyed cooking for his parents and having control of the kitchen.
I had a brilliant cookery book when I was eight, in the 1970s , it had lots of easy recipes for children to do alone, I think I made most things in the book. I used to make toffee and shortbread from recipes in old 1950s Girls annuals that we had at home. I had a little sewing machine and made things from aged seven.
Gradually show her over the next couple of years, that doing some things alone can be really good fun and confidence boosting. There is a big difference between six and eight, six is still very little, but she will gradually get more able to do some things alone, so that you will be able to really enjoy all the things you do together.

I feel for you .However I think as other PP have said, you need to ease up a little on the all singing, all dancing routine you and DD have. I think maybe you are trying a little too hard . All children need downtime too ,its exhausting for you and her! How long have you and ex been separated ? If fairly recently ,she is still getting used to the new routine . At home have tea maybe play a game /watch TV and then say "Right Susie ,time for your bath ," play a little .After bath ,story ,warm milk ,snuggles and lights, out .Try and move her to her own bed as well.DC seem to be terrible wrigglers, and I never got much sleep if one of mine was in bed! Praise her and tell her "You are a big girl now ,and big girls have their own room!" A lick of paint/blackboard wall etc ,new duvet cover chosen by her , a pretty lamp and a teddy ,if you can. E bay have good bedding quite cheap.

I think this is more about how much you’re doing with her. You don’t have to spend every spare moment filled with activities and ‘doing stuff’.

DM has said to me, good god does DD never amuse herself? How do you get anything done etc. She’s right. I think we have this whole expectation that we have to engage ALL the time. It’s ok if she reads a book, watches a film, tidies room, draws, crafts …. Alone! for an hour.

You need to teach your DD to play by herself a bit. Being able to be alone is a skill everyone needs. It's easier with some children than others, but introduce it gradually and explain why. Eg mummy's doing the laundry go and play for 10 minutes and I'll check on you when I'm finished. Mummy's got an important phone call to make. Don't interrupt me please and I'll let you know when I'm free.