“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

NP - I think you are going to have to train him! x

I say send her and she has to stay! As long as there is no real reason she doesn’t want to stay then she has to go.

Shes six, if she didn’t want to go to school or to the dentist she would still have to go. Let her pack a suitcase of her favourite things, and prepare her days in advance. Talk about it like she’s going to Disneyland and then off she goes. “Mummy loves you and she will see you tomorrow”.

It’s one night! When she says she misses daddy, you don’t drop her on his door step 🤣. Being a single parent is hard, you need a break and he needs to do his bit.
Tell him he needs to make if fun so she wants to stay or they are both going to have a shit time.

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

There's no need to tire yourself out making every day a fun day, she needs some down time too - I wonder if her wanting to be at home with you is because Dad doesn't do as much with her and she doesn't know how to entertain herself?

I'd fetch her, but then leave her to her own devices while you have a rest or do some jobs. Have some ideas of things for her to do - looking at a book/colouring/tidying her room etc. I don't mean ignore her completely but just keep it low key.

resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too
(he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset! how convenient for him ..

Sounds like he doesn't want to be a father and is happy for you to continue parenting alone.

He is not making an effort, he sees spending time with his child like a chore ,

it is his fault that she " wants to go home"
he is a poor excuse for a father
how is your dd ever going to feel comfortable around him if he gives up so easily ?

are you sure he's not putting words in her mouth and saying "dont you want to go home dd/ dont you miss mummy dd" and then she is just agreeing ?

you can continue sending your dd there and then not allow him to bring her back early, let him figure it out alone

or you can completely stop all visitation and let him ring you if he wants to see dd, i bet you he wont

I feel like my head’s about to combust after6 days of let’s do this yoga pose, your turn to sing, your turn to dance, come see this, your turn to juggle, let’s bike, let’s climb & so on!

I must have been the worst mother! I’m afraid if I’d had enough, I just used to tell the dc I was worn out, needed a break and they’d have to find something to amuse themselves for a bit! It doesn’t hurt children to know that their parents get tired and grumpy sometimes.

Just on loitering Lenny….. you need to stand at the door and not let him in. Come up with some standard lines if it helps or simply say “there’s no neEd for you to come in”. Even coming outside when you hear him pull up and closing the door behind you… simply stand there until he gets back in his car. Or simply say “look you are not coming inside my house anymore”.

Hmmm, I don't agree with this - comparing the feelings of an adult and a child is like apples and pears.

She is still a very young child, and when she's older she may be happy spending time with her dad. Lord knows, she might even prefer it - children go through all kinds of phases!

But of all the lessons we give to our children, the one that's most important is that we'll listen to what they tell us, and that if they're upset about something - no matter how small - we won't wave away their concerns.

For whatever reason, she's not happy at her dad's. I'm sorry that means you don't get a night off, but as she's so young, surely you can get a break when she's in bed? I'm not unsympathetic, I really and truly do understand that it's relentless - I've only had one night off/away from DC in 13 years, so I promise I do get it!

I had divorced parents - and I was a daddy's girl, absolutely adored the man. And yet, I didn't ever want to stay overnight at his house. I did it once and hated it. To my parents' credit, they never forced me. And I think that helped to instil in me the belief that my feelings mattered, and it was OK to say if I didn't like something. I still believe that's an important lesson for children.

I think there are times to gently insist that a child learns to tolerate something they don't want - such as going to school, or waiting their turn etc. But you've given this a go, and your child is still telling you she's upset and wants to be at home - I think you have to listen. Routine and familiarity are really important to young children and she's not comfortable sleeping elsewhere. I don't think this is about not getting her own way and I don't think it's healthy that she learns that if you don't like something, it's just tough. Your parenting choices should be putting her front and centre, and being annoyed at her wanting to be at home doesn't feel like it is.

I can't help but wonder, is part of this reluctance to have her at home due to the fact that you feel your ex is getting away with it, and not pulling his weight? It's a perfectly understandable way to feel, but not a reason to force your child to stay overnight at his house.

Why does you ex complain about wanting a life if he has her for one night a week?????

I think if she comes home you tell her it's your evening for you, she's not to disturb you unless there's a real emergency. You have your wine, movie etc and she's in her room entertaining herself.
Do this once a week so she's the not centre of attention.

You need to tell him that if she’s upset he needs to learn how to parent too. Tell him you are staying over with a friend and no one will be home. (Even better, let him turn up and get a bloke to open the door with a towel around his waist.)

This is a very good suggestion. I think if you agree for her not to stay over at Dad's then you can say to her that tonight is Mummy time and that you will be watching a programme on TV or reading a book and that she has to sit down and either read a book or play a game by herself.
She sounds very dependent on you for entertainment and you sound like a fabulous mum. But it's not sustainable as it's exhausting you. So I think you need to introduce the concept of some breaks in entertainment. This may be a bit artificial at first where you say "OK darling mummy needs to relax a bit and read a book" and you pretend to read your book and every time she comes up to interrupt you just repeat it. Doesn't have to be long at the start 15 mins, then just gradually extend it. A 6 Yr old should be able to last a good hour doing something by themselves even if it's just watching TV.

Best of luck, and as to the ex, I suggest you start being "busy" when he comes round ... change the bedsheets or something and just answer the door and say "hi Thanks for dropping her off, must dash am in the middle of something, bye". He doesn't deserve to stay in ypur house and you are being way too nice !

She won't be able to trust you if you push her to stay the night when she's uncomfortable. I think you shouldn't be making her - she's really too little. I truly, truly empathize with your need for a break, I do. But she's miserable at night w/ your ex (who sounds like a crap parent). She'll grow up fast. For now, just keep her home w/ you.

She's 6, what time is she going to bed that you don't have any time to relax after she goes down? My 6yo is in bed at 7:30 on a school night.

That said, he should really be willing to do his part, but can't force her.

I would rather she was at home with me anyway.
I wouldn’t force her to go and stay with her father he sounds like a prick.

Could you ask him to keep her all day saturday until bedtime so when she gets home it's straight into the bedtime routine?

Or he could collect her on Saturday evening after she's had a full day with you then bring her home on Sunday?

@StarDolphins I do totally understand why you fill her life with this that and the other but sometimes I think it's possible to actually do too much- so much so that anyone else seems a bit shit - and you then end up with it all on you.
I have a lovely friend, really lovely and she gives her 9 year old boy an amazing life -they pack so much in. The problem is I feel that it's kind of become an expectation and he's started getting bolshy if life isn't one long round of expense and action packed time.

You sound like a children’s entertainer rather than her mum. It feels like you’re constantly pandering to her whims rather than her needs and it sounds like you have poor boundaries with your ex that mean you’re taking on all the heavy lifting and at both their beck and call should one of them be fed up/bored/want to go on the lash etc. I think you need to agree a more formal way forward with your ex - a night in the week and every other weekend for example, and it needs to become a hard and fast routine that everyone understands, can stick to, and you can plan around.

If it's at night, I'd hazard a guess she's homesick.

I can't believe some of the replies on here, she's 6 and homesick....
Not saying this would happen OP, and its slightly different, but I was forced to stay overnight with my grannie (she was lovely, and I did genuinely love her) but the homesickness got worse every time had to stay, and by the time I was 9 I was school refusing. My attendance from then on was pretty much negligible.
Looking back as an adult, I simply wasn't ready to be away from my mum (it wasn't just my mum, as I never really liked going on holiday, I was just a home body)
Homesickness is really hard to put into words. Buts it's awful, and I regularly used to cry myself to sleep, contrary to popular belief forcing me to do something I wasn't ready to do was neither character or resilience building...I'd go so far to say it had the opposite effect. Oh and irony? At times I hated my mother despite needing her.
By the time I was 18 I had matured enough to take myself off to uni, and after that I lived and worked overseas and often didn't see my mum for 2-3 years at a time, until I finally settled back to the UK.
But now in my 50s I look back and think 'hmmm way to fuck up your kids'. Both my dc hate being away from me, and last time dd went for a sleep over (which she wanted to go to) I had to go and pick her up at 11:45pm (she's a teen so quite a bit older than 6!) no way would I tell my teen to 'suck it up' when it comes to homesickness, and I'm no push over as a parent, but when it comes to psychological fucking up I do my utmost as a parent to avoid it!
Anyway that's just my experience. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Hmmm... Any child would love the amount of attention you give your daughter. She's very lucky to have such a lovely mum, but I worry about you. You put yourself last. You ALWAYS drag yourself out after tea even if you are knackered if that is what she wants. I'm a good mum (my grown kids say that - don't mean to sound boastful) but I wouldn't have done that! Explaining why you cant go out today is a good thing as it teaches her that other people are as important as she is, and how she can help with their needs. It's too bad if that's what she wants, if it's not an actual need, and it is at the your expense.

You are making up for a neglected childhood and her dad not being around, but are you teaching her the right things? Is attention 24/7 the right way to go? I think kids need to be bored sometimes for their development. It is unreasonable to give them everything they want. And t is more than unrealistic for successfully negotiating the grown up world ahead, for her to learn that she can get everything she wants. You are carrying on the legacy of your mother's neglect of you by allowing your daughter to believe that her needs are more important than yours.

I'm also worried about her sleeping with you in your bed every night. I know a similar family unit like that with a kid about the same age as your daughter, and that kid is a spoilt little brat, she has her single mother wrapped round her little finger and is quite unable to separate the concept of herself as a separate person to her mother. She is unable to sleep alone. She is very jealous if her mother receives any attention and throws a fit. She finds it very difficult to make friends with other children, as she has learned to always put herself first, and they just don't like her much. If her poor mum tries to discipline her she knows exactly how to manipulate the situation so that the mother is the one who ends up apologising to the kid for the kids bad behaviour. It is incredibly frustrating to watch, but she has worn her mother down completely. Her mum thinks they will have a fabulous relationship when they are older but from outside it is clear that this child has zero respect for the mum and all her sacrifices. Mum's sacrifices are just expected not appreciated. And she would soon see off any man who showed an interest in her mum.

Please think about and value yourself in this situation. Deadbeat dad needs to step up big time, and to be told quite clearly what you expect, not allowed to somehow suck up an hour of your life whenever he wants to. Get bossy, it's your time now, and they all need to learn who you really are. I'd get therapy so that you can find yourself in there.

It's YOU that needs the attention you didn't get as a child, not her. With you as a mum she is always going to be more than ok x

I think that it's maybe less about forcing her to stay if she doesn't want to, more about getting a healthier set up at your home of time for you do decompress.

It might be that she wants to come because that's where her live-in entertainment lives (!) rather than because she doesn't want to stay at Dad's house. Plus, it's not fair or healthy for you to be "always on". I understand why you are such an attentive parent, and I really admire you for it, but I'm not sure it's sustainable or healthy at this level and it sounds like you're feeling the same way.

I think a nearly 7 year old would be old enough to understand the concept of having some evenings which are for "mummies choice" and then maybe build up slowly the length of time she's entertaining herself? Kids are learning all the time anyway and the parents job is to teach them - teaching her to be a bit more independent doesn't make you a bad mum, and you shouldn't feel guilty for it.

“Babysit” howling.

I think it's a big ask to expect a 6yo to stay away from home every weekend and to never get a weekend in their own home and their own bed.

I may have missed it, but is there a reason she can't see him during the week for tea? He could take her to the park and to McDonald's or something, and drop her home ready for bed once a week; and then she can stay at his alternate weekends.

I do think it's important that she has a full weekend at home at that age - not every week but alternating weeks maybe. I know even as an adult I would hate being made to sleep elsewhere every weekend.

I call BS on the kid being upset anyway. This twat dad wants to go out and play and he’s sick of parenting after doing one whole exhausting day. On top of that, OP had to stop him coming around and making pervy comments to her as though he was going to get a leg over. I suspect he’s doing this to curtail any likelihood of her dating (or bonking) another man. She needs to let him grow the fuck up and learn how to parent for the minuscule amount of time he has his kid and the child needs to stop expecting instant gratification.

I agree with this.

Our job is the love AND parent our kids. If she is safe and loved at her dad’s (even if it’s a different type of love) then she needs to stay over and he needs to build that relationship with his kid.

I insisted DD2 went to her dads. I really regret it.