AIBU for telling my MIL she can't go on a holiday?

[0MammaBear0]

I'm expecting my 3rd baby on late September, my other 2 children are aged 3 and 1.5 and I'm planning a homebirth. My MIL very kindly volunteered to take the children when I go into labour.

This morning she sent me a text asking if it would be okay for her to go on a holiday on mid September, and while my due date is for late September it wouldn't be unlikely that my baby could be born at 38 weeks. I told her I would rather if she didn't and I asked her if she could go on early September instead, which she said she can't.

I must add my previous 2 births were very quick, my first one was 8h and my second one was under 1h (!), and a woman who has had a very quick birth (under 3h) before is more likely for that to happen again. My husband works in the city and both him and the midwives would take 1h or so to get to me, while my MIL can get to me in half that time. Without her not only I wouldn't have anyone to take my children but also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children. I don't have anyone else to rely on than her as my family are living in a different country. AIBU?

The onus is on your husband not your MIL !

What a weird thread. Has no one read the OP? It clearly states that she is planning a home birth

Exactly!

sounds like the husband doesn’t want to work from home, doesn’t want to use annual leave.

i assume the couple don’t want other family to come and stay in the house.

MIL is the most convenient way to keep the burden of a third child away from the poor hard working dad!!

of I were MIL I would move.

also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children.

Your DH needs to ask to work from home either side of your due dates. You should not be giving birth alone. If anything goes wrong, like breech positioning, umbilical cord around baby's neck, haemorrhaging, you need someone with you to call for the ambulance and try to stop the bleeding/unwrap the cord/etc.

Surely you have friends or neighbours to provide emergency childcare while your husband makes his way back from work? It would only be for an hour or 2. You have until September to start talking to your 3 year olds friends parents. I find it quite surprising that as a sahm of two you don't have any local friends. I could understand it more for a first time mum or someone who works ft.

Your mil won't be entitled to time off work for your birth so how will that work with her employer - are you expecting her to take unpaid leave? I don't think that would go down well with most employers.

YABU. You can't expect her to have no plans I case you need her throughout the whole month of September.

Also, if your 2nd baby was born in less than an hr and it would take a midwife 1 hr to get to your home to deliver your 3rs, I would seriously consider whether home birth is the correct option for you. If this birth takes the same amount of time (or less), you could end up delivering in your own, with or without your kids present.

It sounds like mil doesn’t mind so just be appreciative and all is well.

I had a neighbour do this to me and even though it was a shock (woken at 4am!) I was happy to do it.
I think most people would understand it was an emergency type of situation.

She’s not obligated to do anything so you’ll just have to make contingency plans for if she’s away whilst you give birth.

What an odd thing to say.
So you don't know anyone who goes further than 30 mins on a daily basis? What about people who commute to work? Regularly visit family? Go to uni or college? Even a 1 way journey to the supermarket takes longer than 30 minutes for some people 🤦🏽‍♀️
And where does class come into staying locally? 🤦🏽‍♀️

So then why are you even posting? There’s no problem here??

Yes of course you are being unreasonable.

Your DH will need to take leave while his mother is away or you fly your own mum in.

God what a bloody nightmare.

My DC1 was born wk 41+. DC2 was born at wk 37

My MIL /FIL completely let us down at birth of DC2. They turned their phones off! We eventually contacted my neighbours at midnight to look after DC1.

You need to point this out to MIL and get a plan B & C.

Could you hire a doula? Preferably one that lives nearby.

She’s unreasonable for saying she could be there for you then planning a holiday. Have you considered a local doula? They offer help with childcare etc so may be able to support you. Hope you manage to get something sorted it. Birth is made even more stressful when you have other children and childcare to consider and someone lets you down x

How's she meant to get to the hospital in time for a hospital birth? Contractions will have started and she's meant to catch a bus or taxi with a risk of a sub-60 minute delivery?

Not being able to afford expensive short-term childcare, or to take weeks of unpaid leave, doesn't mean someone "can't afford" to have kids. I'm just ignoring the rest of that ridiculous comment as it's hard to know where to start tbh.

He had plenty of paid leave though so where has that gone? Their kids aren't at school so not school holidays. Is there more to this OP? Have you spent his annual leave on actual holidays or has something else come up? In which case I guess I can kind of see why he doesn't want to "waste" the unpaid parental leave if he might need it next year.

The title of your post literally says am I unreasonable for telling MIL she can't go on holiday

There was no 'rather' in that part

I mentioned neither expensive childcare or unpaid leave so do one with your aggression.

I, along with 68% of posters on this thread, are asking ourselves where the father of the child fits in with the OP's plans, rather than she, and his mother having to deal with everything. She's the one pointing to it being for financial reasons. Might have been an idea to think about that before having 3 kids under 5 and not working.

When a colleague was adopting, he didn't take holiday for nearly a year to save his leave so that he could be at home for his new DCs.

I am reliably informed that sacrificing "going abroad" and "going hiking" holidays is one of the prices of having children.

Not only that, he paid salary to buy extra leave.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect close family to be available to help during delivery after they've specifically offered to be available to help. I'd explain the reasons for my concerns and apologetically ask if she could possibly delay the holiday or take it earlier. If she'd rather not, that's her choice. It's disappointing, but you'll have to make the best of it, between you and your husband.

It's not remotely unreasonable to ask, though.

Your poor MIL! You chose to have another baby!

So there's a HCP present for assessment of mum and baby. They can provide and administer emergency drugs, neonatal resus plus equipment and emergency transfer if required.

No they don't do very much if everything's normal but I'd rather have them there if the midwife's still half an hour away.