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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling my MIL she can't go on a holiday?

248 replies

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:39

I'm expecting my 3rd baby on late September, my other 2 children are aged 3 and 1.5 and I'm planning a homebirth. My MIL very kindly volunteered to take the children when I go into labour.

This morning she sent me a text asking if it would be okay for her to go on a holiday on mid September, and while my due date is for late September it wouldn't be unlikely that my baby could be born at 38 weeks. I told her I would rather if she didn't and I asked her if she could go on early September instead, which she said she can't.

I must add my previous 2 births were very quick, my first one was 8h and my second one was under 1h (!), and a woman who has had a very quick birth (under 3h) before is more likely for that to happen again. My husband works in the city and both him and the midwives would take 1h or so to get to me, while my MIL can get to me in half that time. Without her not only I wouldn't have anyone to take my children but also if my labour went as fast as my previous one while my husband is working I could be left all alone with 2 very small children. I don't have anyone else to rely on than her as my family are living in a different country. AIBU?

OP posts:
Thesage · 10/06/2023 21:11

Yes YABVU. All these plans you are making , with how "i" want this and "i" want that, and if this happens "this" and "that" would happen to 'me, me, me'. If you want things to happen a certain way, you need to plan it all with your dh without being a burden on others including family and friends. You and your dh come across as very selfish and this is CF territory.

a1poshpaws · 10/06/2023 21:18

as @Blondeshavemorefun said, pay for childcare for those 2w while she is away and dh at work.

ChrisPPancake · 10/06/2023 21:20

YABU to want someone else to put their life on hold because you and your husband decided to have a baby.
Of course your husband can take parental leave - he already has 2 children Confused

Verbena17 · 10/06/2023 21:24

Can you afford a local doula who will save that time (often weeks either side of due date) and get to you faster? Also, the experience of your own children being there at home is lovely - rather than sending them off somewhere. Then they can either stay and watch the birth (maybe a bit too young & might be scared) or be in bed and come in to meet the new baby after?

Your MIL is being a bit mean having said previously that she would help and support you.

Cakencookieobsessed · 10/06/2023 21:25

GoodChat · 10/06/2023 18:45

And the children?

OP I think your DH should book annual leave while she goes on holiday. Bless her for asking - she sounds fab.

Show quote history

Raise your standards for what you find " fab". Or were you just trying to make the OP feel bad?

OttoGraph · 10/06/2023 21:30

you would surely get your dh to take annual leave or wfh whilst your MIL is on holiday ?

TeenLifeMum · 10/06/2023 21:39

I’d be really disappointed and sad dh has to use annual leave that presumably you had planned for him to use at some point following the baby’s birth. However, you can’t dictate. I’d say “I’m really worried how I’ll cope if you’re not around but I know I can’t make you put everything on hold and it’s up to you.” Then hope all works out okay.

People have really low expectations. Mil said she’ll help then has backtracked. That said, many of us have no local help at all but that doesn’t mean we can’t sympathise.

BonnieBobbin · 10/06/2023 21:39

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:52

Last time my daughter was born in under 1h, we rang both the midwives and the ambulance and neither of them were able to get here on time. Luckily it was late at night and my husband was with me otherwise I'd have been completely alone to deliver her. And I'm at a higher risk for it to happen again, which I'm not risking either getting in a car and having to give birth in the middle of a motorway.

If that happens again but your DH is at work, are you expecting MIL to look after your DCs and help you give birth? That doesn't sound like a workable birth plan.

xyz111 · 10/06/2023 21:42

What would you do if she was ill and not available to look after your children? Yes I agree it's totally annoying for someone to change their plans, but you always need a back up. We have only my dad who helps us with childcare, and when he's not around we just have to deal with it.

Stripedbag101 · 10/06/2023 21:43

Your poor MIL - it does really sound like she has any choice. How are you normally with her? And how would you cope if she moved away? How heavily do you lean on her normally?

but you need a back up. What is she is sick? Or has a hospital appointment? Or forgets to charge her mobile phone.

she can’t be the only person in your world taking in this burden.

Jk987 · 10/06/2023 21:44

I think your family should come over from wherever they live and be with you in September. It's not hard to take some time off and book a flight. If this is not a reason to show their support, what is?

Fiddlefall · 10/06/2023 21:47

You said your DH has booked all his holiday leave so you two are swanning off on holiday when you want to (presumably your MIL will be saddled with your children during this time as well) but your MIL can't.

She probably won't be allowed on holiday for a long time after your birth given that you say you can't afford childcare too.

I know finances, work conditions, etc are real, but this does sound like a time when you're being selective about what you and your DH can afford/afford to do. Plus someone else mentioned you've said your DH WFH yet you claim he doesn't.

3 months is plenty of advance notice imo. You can state your preference for her to stay but she's free to go imo.

ChrisPPancake · 10/06/2023 21:48

TeenLifeMum · 10/06/2023 21:39

I’d be really disappointed and sad dh has to use annual leave that presumably you had planned for him to use at some point following the baby’s birth. However, you can’t dictate. I’d say “I’m really worried how I’ll cope if you’re not around but I know I can’t make you put everything on hold and it’s up to you.” Then hope all works out okay.

People have really low expectations. Mil said she’ll help then has backtracked. That said, many of us have no local help at all but that doesn’t mean we can’t sympathise.

The mil hasn't backtracked though 🤷 She'll still be around for the due date.

Fiddlefall · 10/06/2023 21:50

Sorry I just realised you may be taking all your children on holiday, still doesn't sit right with me that you and DH can spend money and leave on holidays as you please, but then leave your MIL with so little choice.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/06/2023 21:53

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2023 19:13

Or perhaps you think nobody except the wealthy should be having babies

I think people having multiple babies should be able to afford it, yes. And being able to access a small reserve of emergency money to cover a short emergency (an hours childcare while her dh travels home from work) shouldn't be something that should break the bank if you are planning on adding another child to your family.

being able to access a small reserve of emergency money to cover a short emergency (an hours childcare while her dh travels home from work)

And who would provide this mythical zero-notice childcare?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2023 21:57

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/06/2023 21:53

being able to access a small reserve of emergency money to cover a short emergency (an hours childcare while her dh travels home from work)

And who would provide this mythical zero-notice childcare?

Show quote history

An agency like Sitters.co.uk
A local childminder the OP can ring ahead and see if they can come collect at short notice
A local neighbours teen / local neighbour who wfh

TUCKINGFYP0 · 10/06/2023 21:57

Yet another thread where posters tie themselves up in knots thinking of how women can provide a solution to a problem ( the MIL, friends , neighbours ) so that a man is not even slightly inconvenienced Hmm .

NewNovember · 10/06/2023 21:58

0MammaBear0 · 10/06/2023 18:58

Do you realise not everyone can WFH?

You said your dh can work from home and that's why your child can't sleep in the room near the computer wires?

bellac11 · 10/06/2023 22:00

Astonished at some of the responses on here, or maybe Im not with the sense of entitlement that people have

OP your husband is your first port of call, he can book annual leave, unpaid leave or carers leave around your dates. You're muddling the issue talking about paternity leave. What does he do now if the children are ill or you're not around and he is needed?

Your mother in law is not even going to be absent for your due date

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/06/2023 22:01

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2023 21:57

An agency like Sitters.co.uk
A local childminder the OP can ring ahead and see if they can come collect at short notice
A local neighbours teen / local neighbour who wfh

Show quote history

From sitters.co.uk:

With easy online booking, we can have a childcare professional at your door in as little as 90 minutes

Shame that OP needs a 30 minute turnaround, based on giving birth in an hour.

Nice try though.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/06/2023 22:02

TUCKINGFYP0 · 10/06/2023 21:57

Yet another thread where posters tie themselves up in knots thinking of how women can provide a solution to a problem ( the MIL, friends , neighbours ) so that a man is not even slightly inconvenienced Hmm .

Yup. The answer is that DH takes leave.

Zonder · 10/06/2023 22:04

Do you have any friends nearby?

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/06/2023 22:04

Ffsmakeitstop · 10/06/2023 18:41

I think you are. If you need to ring for an ambulance.

To look after the children? The op doesn't need an ambulance, she's having a home birth... Did you read the OP?

WellPlaced · 10/06/2023 22:06

I’m a MIL
YABU

VivaLesTartes · 10/06/2023 22:06

Wait. She asked, you said rather not, she said she understood and wasn't upset.

Doesn't sound like anyone is being particularly unreasonable tbh