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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother has a secret wife

156 replies

Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 17:51

I am from an Indian culture and born in India.
My Brother moved away aged 18 and has been very successful in life.
I came to know that aged 23 he married someone he knew my parents would absolutely never agree with.
She was older than him by 8 years and a single parent. Beautiful, educated and lovely as I've met her but my parents would never bother with him again.
I don't know why he did it but he took her to India and married her with all his friends around. I found out when I visited him in the U.K. He really wanted to get married and start a family but didn't want to deal with the aggression, emotional blackmail and disowning at the start of family life he said.
My Brother isn't married to anyone else back in India, has his own money and own indefinite leave to remain. He's not 'playing' her he clearly adores her and they have a baby boy.
Now I have kept this secret for two years and my attitude is it's not my secret to tell.
I know he loves his Wife and is just scared of the reaction. I don't agree with what he's done and think he should absolutely tell my parents but actually it's not my secret and it's not my place to give an ultimatum to tell them either.
AIBU?

OP posts:
ClusterFuckIt · 10/06/2023 17:54

Your parents sound awful. Keep the secret and let your brother and his wife be happy ❤️

Iwantcakeeveryday · 10/06/2023 17:54

Oh I agree with you, it is not your secret or story to tell and best not to get involved.

Original poster
Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 17:58

ClusterFuckIt · 10/06/2023 17:54

Your parents sound awful. Keep the secret and let your brother and his wife be happy ❤️

Think it's more the culture and the people they've been brought up around.
I myself am a divorcee which is so stigmatised but they were happy when I married my husband and he took me on as a divorcee. So it's alright for someone else's Son but not theirs.
He has the right to live in the U.K. so desirable back home and they could marry him to someone they see as a very good catch.
So they will feel it's a waste. All toxic.
But obviously many many Indian people are nothing like this.
Just a few still have this mentality.

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 10/06/2023 17:59

Your parents don’t know their son is married and that they have a grandchild? How terribly sad that they could be so unforgiving and are missing out on such a huge chunk of his life.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2023 17:59

Good on him.

Original poster
Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 18:00

Iwantcakeeveryday · 10/06/2023 17:54

Oh I agree with you, it is not your secret or story to tell and best not to get involved.

Thanks. I've been quite wracked with guilt these days as some friends who attended the wedding have said as I'm family I am a disgrace for not saying anything.
I'm letting my parents down.
I'm a bad Daughter etc.

OP posts:
WhatHaveIFound · 10/06/2023 18:02

Apparently it took my dad a year to tell his family back home that he'd married a white women in England. That was 50+ years ago so it's a shame that men still feel they have to hide these things.

But as you say it's not your secret to tell so I would just stay out of it and let him tell them in his own time. The only thing is that they might get upset if they find out you've known for a while and it could damage your own relationship with them.

Are you sure they don't know if he got married back in India with friends around him?

TheSnowyOwl · 10/06/2023 18:04

Why would you tell them?

Iwantcakeeveryday · 10/06/2023 18:06

Oh no, absolutely you are not responsible for fixing other peoples messes or relationships, you are simply being neutral in a difficult situation. Please don't feel bad about it. Its hard but it is not your burden or problem to solve

Butchyrestingface · 10/06/2023 18:07

I don't agree with what he's done and think he should absolutely tell my parents

Why should he tell them? So they can make his life miserable?

If their children don't able to be honest with them, your parents should look at their own conduct.

Noicant · 10/06/2023 18:14

Honestly it’ll all kick off at some point but it’s not for you to tell. He should do it and get it over and done with. His wife and child shouldn’t be hidden.

Original poster
Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 18:15

Thebigblueballoon · 10/06/2023 17:59

Your parents don’t know their son is married and that they have a grandchild? How terribly sad that they could be so unforgiving and are missing out on such a huge chunk of his life.

Nope. He's actually their only grandchild too as my children were both conceived via donor egg (but a close relative). As I always knew I couldn't have my own children.

So they worry they will have no grandchildren.
And they have a BOY grandchild which to them is even more special.
Terribly sad.

OP posts:
Noicant · 10/06/2023 18:16

Also you aren’t a bad daughter they are bad parents. Some Indian parents really don’t encourage openness from their children and they should reflect on the consequences of that and scrutinise their own behaviour.

Original poster
Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 18:17

Butchyrestingface · 10/06/2023 18:07

I don't agree with what he's done and think he should absolutely tell my parents

Why should he tell them? So they can make his life miserable?

If their children don't able to be honest with them, your parents should look at their own conduct.

Actually I think it's best to be open about these things. He can accept they will disown him if he likes but to me I think it's something they should know.
Mainly for the child's sake as I don't think it's good for a child to grow up knowing they're a secret.
Also her other child is older and old enough to understand they're a secret.

OP posts:
littleripper · 10/06/2023 18:18

No he doesn't!
Your brother has told EVERYONE about his lovely wife - you, his friends etc. He has chosen not to tell your meddling unkind parents!
She is not a secret - they are just not being told!

Original poster
Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 18:19

WhatHaveIFound · 10/06/2023 18:02

Apparently it took my dad a year to tell his family back home that he'd married a white women in England. That was 50+ years ago so it's a shame that men still feel they have to hide these things.

But as you say it's not your secret to tell so I would just stay out of it and let him tell them in his own time. The only thing is that they might get upset if they find out you've known for a while and it could damage your own relationship with them.

Are you sure they don't know if he got married back in India with friends around him?

I've heard so many similar stories

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 10/06/2023 18:19

Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 18:15

Nope. He's actually their only grandchild too as my children were both conceived via donor egg (but a close relative). As I always knew I couldn't have my own children.

So they worry they will have no grandchildren.
And they have a BOY grandchild which to them is even more special.
Terribly sad.

Show quote history

It really is. Do you think their grandchild may make them more open to accepting the marriage? It shouldn’t take a grandchild, of course, just wondering.

Rtmhwales · 10/06/2023 18:20

Do your parents not consider your children their grandchildren because they came from donor eggs? That's incredibly sad. Sad for all children involved if that's the case. Your brother's and yours.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2023 18:20

But your children are their grandchildren, donor egg or not. Do they acknowledge them as their grandchildren?

traintraveller · 10/06/2023 18:20

But they're not a secret. He has just chosen not to tell his parents and it seems that has been the right choice as they sound awful.

Original poster
Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 18:21

littleripper · 10/06/2023 18:18

No he doesn't!
Your brother has told EVERYONE about his lovely wife - you, his friends etc. He has chosen not to tell your meddling unkind parents!
She is not a secret - they are just not being told!

That's a bit of a stretch to be honest.
I found out by accident and he told me.
It's true his close friends know.
But NO ONE in the family knows except me.
She definitely a 'secret' by my judgement.
We have a huge family of cousins, aunts, uncles. None know of her at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 18:21

Rtmhwales · 10/06/2023 18:20

Do your parents not consider your children their grandchildren because they came from donor eggs? That's incredibly sad. Sad for all children involved if that's the case. Your brother's and yours.

No they do not consider them their grandchildren in any way.

OP posts:
TerfIngOnTheBeach · 10/06/2023 18:22

They worry they won’t have any grandchildren and don’t see yours as theirs just because of a donor egg?

wow.

phoenixrosehere · 10/06/2023 18:23

Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 18:00

Thanks. I've been quite wracked with guilt these days as some friends who attended the wedding have said as I'm family I am a disgrace for not saying anything.
I'm letting my parents down.
I'm a bad Daughter etc.

Show quote history

If those friends were so concerned, they could have spilled the beans themselves but they know it isn’t their secret to tell neither is it yours. It’s between him and the parents.

Original poster
Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 18:24

I'm not sure how they will react.
They have a grandson which they will be delighted with I think.
So maybe that will soften the blow.
I remember my Brother desperately hoping the baby was a boy as he felt this would act as a bit of a cushion to the blow they were about to receive.
We don't know how they will react.
Probably disown him to be honest.
But probably still want their hands on the grandson and want him over in India and to show off to everyone.

OP posts:
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