Brother has a secret wife

[Lissaaaaaa]

I am from an Indian culture and born in India.
My Brother moved away aged 18 and has been very successful in life.
I came to know that aged 23 he married someone he knew my parents would absolutely never agree with.
She was older than him by 8 years and a single parent. Beautiful, educated and lovely as I've met her but my parents would never bother with him again.
I don't know why he did it but he took her to India and married her with all his friends around. I found out when I visited him in the U.K. He really wanted to get married and start a family but didn't want to deal with the aggression, emotional blackmail and disowning at the start of family life he said.
My Brother isn't married to anyone else back in India, has his own money and own indefinite leave to remain. He's not 'playing' her he clearly adores her and they have a baby boy.
Now I have kept this secret for two years and my attitude is it's not my secret to tell.
I know he loves his Wife and is just scared of the reaction. I don't agree with what he's done and think he should absolutely tell my parents but actually it's not my secret and it's not my place to give an ultimatum to tell them either.
AIBU?

Some things never change.

This was a plotline of Hanif Kureshi's wonderful book The Buddha of Suburbia set in the 1970s published 40 years ago.

Exactly, it's no loss to those kids is it?

Except remember that he has ILR? Therefore stands to receive absolutely no benefit from the marriage?

My DP of over four years is Indian. I am older, divorced, with a child. He left India two years before we met.

His parents have known about me for
two and a half years. They are modern and yet traditional. His sister had an arranged marriage, and he was expected to have the same. He is considered very eligible.

In the two and half years they have known about me we have dealt with the following:

His mum introducing him to families and their eligible daughters whilst he was in India for a family wedding. Despite him telling her not to.

They asked him to strand me alone in a different. I was already on the plane as he was working away so we were meeting there - they begged him not to get on his plane.

Told him that our relationship is wrong on every level.

I went to India to meet them, we had what appeared to be a nice dinner, very friendly and welcoming. Next day they called him, told him they would not accept me, and listed a whole litany of things that were "wrong" with me. These included: age, divorced, referred to my ds as baggage, I'm only after his money (we're actually pretty much equal in terms of personal finances), religion, and a whole host of other things. All about what I am, nothing about who I am - apparently they liked me as a person, but in no way did they want me with him.

They even said that if he felt OBLIGED to be with me because it had been so long THEY would speak to me and get me to go away. 🤨

Needless to say, he chose me.

It has been incredibly painful for both of us. Me, because it's hurtful to be judged so negatively because of my race, and status, not to mention my beautiful, clever, funny boy being called "baggage". Him because he's seen a very ugly, judgemental side to his parents, who he loves.

And you wonder why your brother hasn't told them? He's protecting HIS family from them. What an awful situation your parent's beliefs have put them in.

My partner's parents are actually nice people, except for this one (giant) issue. Sadly, they failed to realise that the judging isn't one way, and I was also judging them. I am in no hurry to spend any time with them, and that will bite them when we have children. I gave them the chance to hurt me once. They don't get to do that again.

Your brother has put you in a very difficult position OP, and I sympathise.

He has done all this and created this situation, he should tell your parents and deal with the consequences, whatever they are. I assume there will be a big row and lots of upset, but the sooner it's out in the open the sooner rifts can start to be mended.

It may be that might take a long time, but it's not fair on him to drag you into this, and I think you should point this out to him.

Its all very well posters condemning your parents for very traditional views, but that's who they are and they deserve a certain amount of respect however rigid their outlook.

So many similar stories. I'm so sorry you went through this.

As you say, it's not your secret to tell, nor is it your place to demand that he does.

I'm so sorry you're going through it too. Different angle, same cause.

Nope. He's actually their only grandchild tooNope. He's actually their only grandchild too as my children were both conceived via donor egg (but a close relative). As I always knew I couldn't have my own children.

So they worry they will have no grandchildren.
And they have a BOY grandchild which to them is even more special. as my children were both conceived via donor egg (but a close relative). As I always knew I couldn't have my own children.

So they worry they will have no grandchildren.
And they have a BOY grandchild which to them is even more special.

am I reading this correctly op? They don’t see your children as their grandchildren? Doesn’t that upset you? My sis in law has an adopted child who gets treated by the entire family just like any of my children.
I would have stopped talking to them completely in your case.

I don't understand the angst you're going through because by your own admission it's not your secret, nor your story to tell, nor did you play an active role in facilitating the relationship. It seems the issue is more the draw of the potential huge family drama with pending fallout and recriminations. None of that need happen if you focus on your own life.

If this is true that child is better off never knowing those grandparents. How sad your DB needs to hide his truth. Why would you inflict such an awful attitude on his DW and DC? I'd run with your DC too.

@Lissaaaaaa i find the way you dismiss your own children as your parents grandchildren really strange!! Do you not see them as your children?! Mad that you feel sorry for your parents not having a grandchild when they have 2!

i think your brothers doing the right thing (for him), you said yourself your parents would be done with him so I can’t see what good would come from telling them? This way he gets the happy life he deserves plus a relationship with your parents

I’m so sorry that is your parents view to your children. That must be incredibly hurtful

You know how awful your parents are yet you're still considering telling them your brother's private business?

What?

OP you sound like a very loyal, decent sister unfairly put under pressure by others to divulge your brother's secret. You don't sound interfering or just out to create drama at all, whatever some pps say.

No reason to fee guilty about keeping your db's secret at all. Sorry your parents are so cruel about your children. Enjoy your son and your nephew

Sorry, your children, whatever their sex

Thank you 😊
I'm definitely not interested in 'drama'.
Feeling guilty that's all.
My parents are toxic but other family members (such as my grandma) are not and they also don't know and my grandma is very unwell and will never know she had a grandson.
The whole situation is sad.
My grandma and some other family members are the main reason I stay in contact with my parents in the way I do.
But I do completely understand my Brother's reasons and feel it's absolutely not my secret to tell.

Then its simple? Their backward views will die with them when they die. Start distancing yourself from the relatives who don’t treat your children like your children…

So you weren't invited to the wedding & he wasn't intending to tell you?

But probably still want their hands on the grandson and want him over in India and to show off to everyone.

So perhaos not even interested in him as a person, just a trophy?

Is your brother intending to tell them?

"Its all very well posters condemning your parents for very traditional views, but that's who they are and they deserve a certain amount of respect however rigid their outlook."

No they don't. They sound like racists, who should probably go to the grave with their silly ideas. You can't have international travel, the Internet, and a global economy, and still make concessions for this shit.

My sister married an Indian man. She wasnt a secret but wasnt really accepted. They were married for 25 years until bil's death yet one of his brothers still refers to herby the Punjabi equivalent of the N word. She has constantly had to prove her humanity despite absolutely adopting his culture in dress, food, religion. Your brother has to figure out what works for him and his family.

And actually 25 years later that brother still doesnt acknowledge her if he meets her, doesnt speak to her or her kids unless forced but has probably spoken to them less than 100 words in 25 years. Just hallos of he has to. If your parents op wont even acknowledge your kids as their grandchildren they are really unlikely to accept your sil. My sister too had years of his family bringing pics of nice indian girls he could marry even after 20+ years! His kids heard these suggestions. Its incredible really

I really don't understand this either. Why would you purposefully want to wreck his life? Strange.

YABU OP.
I'm also of South Indian descent, marrying a white British man.absolutely this may be hardcore 'culture' but people choose whether to cling onto it or not.
As Ir happens my parents are accepting and have laid down the law to th rest of the family but her siblings are not and have broken up their children's relationships.to 'unsuitable' people including a lovely girl who just happened to not be Indian.
He's doing the right thing by protecting his family. Don't interfere.

One day it will all come out and he can deal with the fall out then but not your place. Just give him your support.