Brother has a secret wife

[Lissaaaaaa]

I am from an Indian culture and born in India.
My Brother moved away aged 18 and has been very successful in life.
I came to know that aged 23 he married someone he knew my parents would absolutely never agree with.
She was older than him by 8 years and a single parent. Beautiful, educated and lovely as I've met her but my parents would never bother with him again.
I don't know why he did it but he took her to India and married her with all his friends around. I found out when I visited him in the U.K. He really wanted to get married and start a family but didn't want to deal with the aggression, emotional blackmail and disowning at the start of family life he said.
My Brother isn't married to anyone else back in India, has his own money and own indefinite leave to remain. He's not 'playing' her he clearly adores her and they have a baby boy.
Now I have kept this secret for two years and my attitude is it's not my secret to tell.
I know he loves his Wife and is just scared of the reaction. I don't agree with what he's done and think he should absolutely tell my parents but actually it's not my secret and it's not my place to give an ultimatum to tell them either.
AIBU?

I think it's an indication of how irrelevant the disowners are to him and his family.

He's doing them a favour by keeping the peace.

Disowning would mean a loss to them not him.

He has a proper family.

Sadly due to culture your parents are missing out on so much. Very sad.

Your parents are awful people.

You enable them and want to cause drama by telling them for some reason- was your brother the golden child growing up? Sounds as if you can’t stand the fact he’s happy.

And your kids, poor kids. They don’t have grandparents because they were donor conceived? What a side life for them, having two grandparents that bigoted and unloving.

The real winners here are your brother, his wife and his child. At least they don’t have to be around your monstrous parents.

Your parents are shocking. How. Am they treat their children this way? Absolutely fucked.

Sorry OP, but your parents sound awful, especially in regard to your children. Just keep out of it and be a loving Aunt to your nephew.

I'm not liking the sound of your parents tbh, they're incredibly cruel in their attitude to your children.

Say nothing. Your brother is happy with his little family. Its up to him to tell them or not. They might make life difficult if they don't approve of his freely made choice. Its his life, let him get on with it

That’s vile.

In your shoes I’d follow your brother’s example of building a life that doesn’t include your parents in any way.

And i think it highly likely your nephew will be less damaged by “they weren’t very nice people so we just stayed away from them” than your children will be if you allow your parents around them when they make their feelings clear about the donor eggs.

Yup.
Preaching to the choir I'm glad to say.
I also keep my distance and have moved out of country.
But for several reasons do keep in contact.

I've been quite wracked with guilt these days as some friends who attended the wedding have said as I'm family I am a disgrace for not saying anything.
I'm letting my parents down.
I'm a bad Daughter etc.

Fuck 'em. You are a great daughter and sister in a really tough spot. You take care of yourself. xx

Think it's more the culture and the people they've been brought up around. nope. We need to stop excusing vile and abusive behaviour because of culture. Your parents are vile. I don’t care what culture they’re from. If I posted the same as you have and I’m English people would say my parents were hideous and to go NC.

People need to start realising that culture isn’t an excuse to behave however you want and be above criticism.

If I were your brother I would disown my parents.

And tbh you would do well to do the same.

I'm off out for my 5the wedding anniversary with my dh tonight, no one knows we're married

It's your secret to keep, tell anyone and you risk losing your db and potentially your dp.

He has the right to live in the U.K. so desirable back home and they could marry him to someone they see as a very good catch.

Hmm...there are lots of people getting 'married' to gain British citizenship.

Sounds a very toxic family.

I kind of hope he doesn't tell them because it would be so hurtful for your children (and you) to see your nephew celebrated whilst your children are denied.

Who is saying you're a bad daughter for not telling your parents, if none of your family know. Surely not your brother's closest friends.

It's not your secret to tell. I wouldn't tell your parents just enjoy your relationship with your bro, sil and the son. What your parents don't know can't hurt them although I would think at some stage the secret will get out.

I agree its not your place to tell.

For some reason I suspect they know (or suspect) and are turning a blind eye because they don't want to deal. Literally how do they not know? If everyone else knows. When they facetime him does he leave the house?

Does he receive money from them? Or he hopes to inherit? I don't see any reason for him to keep the secret. So what, they'll kick off? And then things will be awkward?

I'm genuinely sorry to bring up this about your brother, but if something should happen to him, his wife would be in a really difficult position in terms of care, burial, etc. His parents might try to take over and shut her out. He should really make arrangements. If I were his sister I would gently bring this up with him, once, but otherwise leave it alone.

Oh OP. Don't feel guilty by keeping this secret, your brother has chosen this for a reason and it's so he can be happy. And it sounds like his judgement regarding your parents was correct.

I think your parents sound awful for not accepting your children as their grandchildren, and I wouldn't blame you at all for cutting contact with them. They don't deserve the title of Grandparent purely because of the way they have treated your children.

Wow. How come?

"So they worry they will have no grandchildren."
They have three grandchildren. Two they won't acknowledge (your children) and the third your brother has never told them because they would disown him.

Honestly, your parents should be kept a secret from their grandchildren - to protect the grandchildren.

So the only reason you want to tell is to ease your own guilt for being a "bad daughter?" Despite the fact this would bring a heap of shit onto your brother? And all this for parents from whom you also keep your distance because they've denied your children?

Your parents don't consider your children to be their grandchildren.

They don't deserve a relationship with any of you, your brother has done the right thing!

I'm surprised you have any contact with them tbh

Glad to have a Grandson

Soften the blow.

They really don't deserve to know.

I cannot fathom treating a child of mine so badly.

You have moved away from them.

He has decided to not tell them.

Perhaps different sides of the same coin?

I hope your brother sees your children as his nieces ( I think they’re girls from what you’ve said). Cherish the family that you have with him. Build the connection with your nephew and sil. It sounds as if you should continue to keep your parents at arms length to avoid upsetting your children.

So your parents wouldn't be happy with your brother's marraige & don't acknowledge your children as their grandchildren?

Despite this backwards thinking cruelty you are considering telling them? Why on earth do you think they deserve to know? Their attitude is exactly why they haven't been told.

If it wasmy brother, I would be happy fir him and proud he built himself a happy life inspite of them.

Culture is never any excuse for judgment or cruelty. You are old enough to use your own judgement & step outside your parent's narrow mindedness.

They won't acknowledge the kids you gave birth to as their own grandchildren? Frankly, you owe them nothing. I'm not surprised your brother keeps things from them.
Stay out of it. And don't feel bad for doing so.