Brother has a secret wife

[Lissaaaaaa]

I am from an Indian culture and born in India.
My Brother moved away aged 18 and has been very successful in life.
I came to know that aged 23 he married someone he knew my parents would absolutely never agree with.
She was older than him by 8 years and a single parent. Beautiful, educated and lovely as I've met her but my parents would never bother with him again.
I don't know why he did it but he took her to India and married her with all his friends around. I found out when I visited him in the U.K. He really wanted to get married and start a family but didn't want to deal with the aggression, emotional blackmail and disowning at the start of family life he said.
My Brother isn't married to anyone else back in India, has his own money and own indefinite leave to remain. He's not 'playing' her he clearly adores her and they have a baby boy.
Now I have kept this secret for two years and my attitude is it's not my secret to tell.
I know he loves his Wife and is just scared of the reaction. I don't agree with what he's done and think he should absolutely tell my parents but actually it's not my secret and it's not my place to give an ultimatum to tell them either.
AIBU?

I was wondering if part of the brother wasn't going to tell his parents of his wife & child is to protect his sister's inheritance. I can imagine that their parents might disinherit her if they find out that they have a genetic grandchild rather than the money going out of their bloodline.

Your brother and parents can’t be very close if he has managed to keep his wife and son a secret for some years. How much difference would it actually make if he told them and they disowned him? On the other hand Perhaps they would come round to accepting his new family because why would they lose their son and grandson to show disapproval of something that is too late to change. It’s not your responsibility but you could suggest to your brother that he should have some courage and confess all. It will only get more awkward as time goes on. Also he is putting you in a difficult position because you have to feign ignorance of his life and be less than honest with your parents.

I have Indian heritage. The parents are hoist by their own petard. There’s no reason for conservative values to despoil their humanity.

That’s an interesting possibility. Could be @Kpo58

Are they well off? Your parents I mean.
Dont pay mind to so called friends of his who are pressuring you to tell your parents. If only his friends know then they should butt out as it's none of their business.

How often do you see your parents? Aren't you afraid your children will say something about their cousin? Or are they being taught to keep it all secret as well?

There is a very big focus on log kya kahenge - what would society say?

It's all about appearance. Some people are so concerned about what others will say/think about them and their parenting that they choose to disown a 'wayward child' as that implies they won't tolerate disobedience, rather than accept their child's choices as that would be more shaming.

Of course, if you value your child over the opinions of society, it's not an issue.

In my experience Indian society can be very judgemental and competitive. It's exhausting, and pointless.

Your parents have demonstrated that they’re completely culturally hidebound. Don’t play into it by telling them - it’s not for you to tell, it’s none of your business. You and your brother would be better off having nothing to do with them.

He's taken the plunge to marry from the heart, w en though his parents wouldn't support because if ridiculous reasons. Your parents are missing out because of their idiotic views, they'll find out I'm sure, if they disown him then their loss, die to pig headed stupidity

It's hard to explain when this is what your community is like and it's normal to you. Basically its about "Keeping Up Appearances", white people were like that too if you think back.

@Mamaneedsadrink Think back to when?

Treating them kindly would be accepting them as their grandchildren no matter if they were donor eggs or not.

Your parents sound awful. Good on your brother for taking a stand and putting his own happiness in front of judgy, nit picking parents with unrealistic expectations.

I don't know why you're even in contact with them if they don't accept your kids. As a mother or somebody won't accept my child, they wouldn't accept me. Id end the relationship there, no hesitation.

Please marry your partner before you have children. If he caved in to family pressure and did have an arranged marriage , where would that leave you?

I know that you believe,,probably quite rightly, that your DO will always choose you over his family. But better safe….

We discussed that a long time ago - neither of us would have a child before marriage. When we met he was working in a different country (not India). He moved here for me, and we've had lots of discussions about marriage/children etc before and after the move. I know him well enough to know that he'll never have an arranged marriage - and his parents are now grudgingly accepting the situation, but I appreciate that others have been put in the situation where they are unmarried and abandoned with kids, so thank you for the concern.

They are not bad parents. It sounds as though you know nothing of Indian ways. Lots of appalling things to us are quite OK e.g. throwing an unmarried girl out if she gets pregnant just as was done in Europe till approx. 50 years back. The pressure of the honour of the family is so great that brothers can kill siblings for being impure or LGBTQ. A woman can be beaten and divorced for looking at a man, the list is very long.

What's he afraid of op?
If its losing his parents, we'll he's lost them already. Is he worried about some sort of honour killing or attack?

Thing is op, you're going to get mostly replies her from a western cultural perspective, we just won't understand what the problem is and stories like this just make your cultural look poisonous to us.

He stands to benefit hugely from this marriage, he get to marry the woman he loves ❤.
I hope your brother and his wife have a long and happy life. His parents don't sound like they add much to it.

Out of interest, does he send the parents money?

You seem to have misunderstood a lot. The parents are not awful, they are traditional.
The OP doesn't want to cause havoc - she doesn't want to tell tales.
She is trying to avoid causing problems for him although other Indians are accusing her of being untrue to the family..
Bigoted, unloving, monstrous - you re not seeing this straight. These are Indian parents with Indian morals and rules. Their son has broken rules and he doesn't want the fallout, that's all.

@Nantescalling , no, if they're prepared to exclude and reject innocent children over how they were conceived, then they're pretty awful.

That is so very sad; you have been through too much. I have lived on the sub-continent for a decade and this kind of situation came up so often. Parents don't trust their kids to choose partners and if they do the family will find dozens of reasons against. The fact that his mother wanted to introduce him to suitable brides and get him to leave you stranded just shows how strongly she feels.

If I may give you advice?? Please try to keep all this out of the conservation with your husband. He must be feeling terrible.He never expected them to treat you like this. He will also be disappointed that his parents let him down by rejecting you. Also cross that he wasn't able to stop them humiliating you. Most of the couples I came across in this kind of situation were ostracised up untill they had kids of their own and then th mothers came around but the fathers never.

I may have missed it but is your sister in law Indian too? All this strife is easy to understand if you were brought up in the culture. If not, judging from a Western point of view, some parts are incomprehensible hence lots of dumb comments on here.

I honestly wouldn't say a word OP.

I agree that it's not your secret to tell, and I would keep out of it.

The situation is sad, but your parents have brought this on themselves by their inflexible ideas. If I was in your situation, with them not looking upon your children as their grandchildren, I wouldn't be having anything to do with them. They sound awful, and their culture does not excuse bad behaviour.