Brother has a secret wife

[Lissaaaaaa]

I am from an Indian culture and born in India.
My Brother moved away aged 18 and has been very successful in life.
I came to know that aged 23 he married someone he knew my parents would absolutely never agree with.
She was older than him by 8 years and a single parent. Beautiful, educated and lovely as I've met her but my parents would never bother with him again.
I don't know why he did it but he took her to India and married her with all his friends around. I found out when I visited him in the U.K. He really wanted to get married and start a family but didn't want to deal with the aggression, emotional blackmail and disowning at the start of family life he said.
My Brother isn't married to anyone else back in India, has his own money and own indefinite leave to remain. He's not 'playing' her he clearly adores her and they have a baby boy.
Now I have kept this secret for two years and my attitude is it's not my secret to tell.
I know he loves his Wife and is just scared of the reaction. I don't agree with what he's done and think he should absolutely tell my parents but actually it's not my secret and it's not my place to give an ultimatum to tell them either.
AIBU?

They can't marry him to anyone 🙄, he's an adult with his own mind and already has a wife, he doesn't need another. Sounds like he made the right decision to break free from a toxic cultural environment. He's happy leave him be.

It's very clear he has no intention of disowning them and still wants their admiration and to keep in good relations.
If he was okay with them disowning him he'd have told them already.

This doesn’t really improve their image in anyway and frankly I’m not sure how or why you’re going on about your brother telling them when you also admit they are toxic and you understand his reason. Leave him alone and face your life.

Sorry to be so harsh but your children are their grandchildren. If they don’t see them as such, they’ll never accept your brothers wife or his son.

I’m Indian. I’ve kept all of my relationships secret from my parents, it’s not worth the bother and heartache. Lying about where I was and who I was with just became a part of my nature.

I did have to tell them I was getting married though. I left it to the very last possible moment. The day I had to tell them I was so nervous I spent the whole day throwing up at work.

This was knowing that other than being white, my partner was wholly acceptable - opposite gender, good job, middle class, never married no kids, ‘correct’ age gap etc. If I had been in your brother’s shoes I probably also would’ve never told them.

I truly believe that we are a sacrificial generation of Indians, stuck between extremely conservative parents and a liberal world view. I hope that our parents attitudes die with us once and for all and we are the last to suffer from such mindsets. I’d happily absorb even more shit than I already have just to make sure that my little brother and my future children will never face the same.

Your brother is doing what any decent loving man does- protecting his own family from toxic and abusive people. They are his priority.
It seems he was also protecting them from you as you only accidentally found out.

Why would you tell your parents unless you want to sabotage everything. I think you need to be honest with yourself why you want to do it

This is so sad. I can’t imagine thinking that way. That must break your heart. Did it not make you want to take a leaf out of your brother’s book and put some distance between you and your parents?

To be blunt but 100% honest - it's not your place to tell your brother's secrets to anyone.

Mind your own business and be happy that whatever happens in the future at least you weren't a contemptible little clipe (in case you don't know the word, it's Scots for "a grass; a tell-tale-tit; etc.) and are therefore blame free.

Would it help to look at this another way: by keeping this secret aren’t you sparing them from the pain and shame? Is it not the kindest thing you can do for everyone?

Let your brother live his own life. That includes deciding what relationship he has with his parents and what he chooses to tell them about his life.

I've been quite wracked with guilt these days as some friends who attended the wedding have said as I'm family I am a disgrace for not saying anything.I'm letting my parents down.I'm a bad Daughter etc

So your bad for not telling them but all these friends are perfect by also keeping the same secret?! Daughter or not these 'friends' are in the same boat so are as equally 'disgraced'.

I hope you aren't considering telling them OP?

This is the saddest part of the whole situation. Your parents sound truly awful.

The parents need to be aware that their adult son has made a decision for his about his own life.

In all cultures there will be parents who do not like the partner.

However, they must accept it their choice.

Less venom towards another human. More acceptance will make a peaceful place.

Honestly OP, nothing but most rejection will come out of telling your parents. My friend is Indian, rejected an arranged marriage, married for love to a “foreign man” and has an amazing son.

Her mother knew she got married, she disowned her and although her mother begrudgingly talks to her when the need arises, she has refused point blank to meet her wonderful grandson, even when he is a boy and the only grandchild of the family. She has also forbidden her other daughters to have contact with him.

Your brother’s wife is not a secret, she is his wife to the people who matter to him. If he has not told your extended family either is because he wants to save your parents from the gossip and nasty comments they will very likely get. So don’t be the person who manages to make your brother go no contact with your parents (and upset them to boot) by revealing the marriage.

Your parents are absolutely terrible people for not considering your children their grandchildren

The op has said she doesn’t want to tell them, calm yourself down

It's a shame you're in this position. Your DB lives in a different country. I think it's weak of him not to tell his parents about his marriage and his DS. Is there an inheritance? Is that why he doesn't want to be disowned?
I know most PPs are looking at it from your DB's perspective. But I think for your SIL and their DS, it's very disrespectful of your DB to keep them secret. Every relationship I know that started by being kept secret, has ended badly.

Just checking I've got this right; are your parents still in India, and you and your brother in the UK? If so, I think whilst it's sad your parents are missing out on seeing their children and grandchildren, I can also understand why they'd be worried about 'losing face' within their society. I think it's hard for people to understand if you're not from that culture, but it takes a massive amount of bravery to go against your culture, especially if they are still very much engage with it. Again whilst it must seem very hurtful to you they won't acknowledge your children as their grandchildren, I don't think it's that unusual for some very traditional cultures (a friend of mine has no contact with her parents as they couldn't accept she had an IVF baby, in her case her parents are very strict Christians)
On one level you're right it's not your place to tell them, but as and when they find out, would your relationship be broken with them if they knew you knew and said nothing?
Sounds a very tricky road to navigate OP.

Your brother’s family, his wife and child, is not a shameful secret but a precious treasure that must be protected from hateful judgmental bigots.

He gets it. Why can’t you?

You want to tattle tell on him to appear to others as a “good” daughter to bigots. You’re no better than them. Your motive is to elevate yourself, not help your parents become decent people and repair their relationships with family.

And it’s not your secret, you found out “accidentally”, and so he didn’t want you to know either. So stay out of his business.

Oh holy fuck, why are you still in contact with them!? You realise this is very abnormal? Your poor child re, please don’t let them around these damaging people, can you imagine what they will grow up with this kind of trauma? Your brother has the right idea in living his own life.

Are you trying to commandeer his inheritance?

What do your children call your parents?

Reading all these stories about toxic parents disowning children. What exactly do the parents get out of choosing to behave like this? I can't see how it benefits them in any way. Perhaps someone can explain?