Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother has a secret wife

156 replies

Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 17:51

I am from an Indian culture and born in India.
My Brother moved away aged 18 and has been very successful in life.
I came to know that aged 23 he married someone he knew my parents would absolutely never agree with.
She was older than him by 8 years and a single parent. Beautiful, educated and lovely as I've met her but my parents would never bother with him again.
I don't know why he did it but he took her to India and married her with all his friends around. I found out when I visited him in the U.K. He really wanted to get married and start a family but didn't want to deal with the aggression, emotional blackmail and disowning at the start of family life he said.
My Brother isn't married to anyone else back in India, has his own money and own indefinite leave to remain. He's not 'playing' her he clearly adores her and they have a baby boy.
Now I have kept this secret for two years and my attitude is it's not my secret to tell.
I know he loves his Wife and is just scared of the reaction. I don't agree with what he's done and think he should absolutely tell my parents but actually it's not my secret and it's not my place to give an ultimatum to tell them either.
AIBU?

OP posts:
IloveAslan · 13/02/2024 23:17

Incidentally, I have a friend, a white woman, who is married to someone from a similar culture - however, her husband's family appear to have welcomed her, andd she has visited them in their homeland on several occasions. She is in her 70s.

mathanxiety · 13/02/2024 23:24

Lissaaaaaa · 10/06/2023 17:58

Think it's more the culture and the people they've been brought up around.
I myself am a divorcee which is so stigmatised but they were happy when I married my husband and he took me on as a divorcee. So it's alright for someone else's Son but not theirs.
He has the right to live in the U.K. so desirable back home and they could marry him to someone they see as a very good catch.
So they will feel it's a waste. All toxic.
But obviously many many Indian people are nothing like this.
Just a few still have this mentality.

Show quote history

The reason they're happy with your situation is that your husband 'took you on' and took you off their hands. My guess is they secretly look down their noses at your husband as a result and consider him to have done an odd thing that they would not have done if the choice had been theirs.

For the love of puppies, do not breathe a word of your brother's secret to your parents. What good could you possibly achieve? Live and let live. This is not your story to tell.

Teajenny7 · 13/02/2024 23:46

Is your brother's marriage legal in the UK? Is it legal in India?
Or can he succumb to your parents wishes and marry an acceptable wife? Thus discarding his current wife.

In her position I would be unhappy that my marriage and my son were some of dirty secret.

Nantescalling · 14/02/2024 00:07

DojaPhat · 11/06/2023 09:05

@Mamaneedsadrink Think back to when?

Not that long ago. When was it considered unsuitable to marry a divorcee, when to have a baby out of wedlock, be a homosexual. 100 years back in the UK women covered their hair in Church, skirts reached to the ankles with gloves to hide wrists.

Azandme · 19/02/2024 20:17

Nantescalling · 13/02/2024 22:43

That is so very sad; you have been through too much. I have lived on the sub-continent for a decade and this kind of situation came up so often. Parents don't trust their kids to choose partners and if they do the family will find dozens of reasons against. The fact that his mother wanted to introduce him to suitable brides and get him to leave you stranded just shows how strongly she feels.

If I may give you advice?? Please try to keep all this out of the conservation with your husband. He must be feeling terrible.He never expected them to treat you like this. He will also be disappointed that his parents let him down by rejecting you. Also cross that he wasn't able to stop them humiliating you. Most of the couples I came across in this kind of situation were ostracised up untill they had kids of their own and then th mothers came around but the fathers never.

Show quote history

@Nantescalling thank you. A LOT has changed in the 8 months since I wrote that post.

In August last year my DP became an uncle. He was going over and his parents asked if I would come. So I said yes. Everyone deserves a second chance.

Then they asked if we would stay with them. A massive step. So we did. In the same room.

I met the whole family, including grandparents. All were lovely. I was in all the family photos.

When you wrote this post we were on a family holiday with his parents, siblings, etc. We had an awesome time.

With time, and understanding, things can and do change. It took them time to get used to the idea that what they had wanted for their son his whole life wasn't happening, but they have, and things are good.

Nantescalling · 19/02/2024 21:18

Azandme · 19/02/2024 20:17

@Nantescalling thank you. A LOT has changed in the 8 months since I wrote that post.

In August last year my DP became an uncle. He was going over and his parents asked if I would come. So I said yes. Everyone deserves a second chance.

Then they asked if we would stay with them. A massive step. So we did. In the same room.

I met the whole family, including grandparents. All were lovely. I was in all the family photos.

When you wrote this post we were on a family holiday with his parents, siblings, etc. We had an awesome time.

With time, and understanding, things can and do change. It took them time to get used to the idea that what they had wanted for their son his whole life wasn't happening, but they have, and things are good.

Show quote history

That is so good to hear. An awful story can have a happy ending!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page