Brother has a secret wife

[Lissaaaaaa]

I am from an Indian culture and born in India.
My Brother moved away aged 18 and has been very successful in life.
I came to know that aged 23 he married someone he knew my parents would absolutely never agree with.
She was older than him by 8 years and a single parent. Beautiful, educated and lovely as I've met her but my parents would never bother with him again.
I don't know why he did it but he took her to India and married her with all his friends around. I found out when I visited him in the U.K. He really wanted to get married and start a family but didn't want to deal with the aggression, emotional blackmail and disowning at the start of family life he said.
My Brother isn't married to anyone else back in India, has his own money and own indefinite leave to remain. He's not 'playing' her he clearly adores her and they have a baby boy.
Now I have kept this secret for two years and my attitude is it's not my secret to tell.
I know he loves his Wife and is just scared of the reaction. I don't agree with what he's done and think he should absolutely tell my parents but actually it's not my secret and it's not my place to give an ultimatum to tell them either.
AIBU?

You sound very detached about your parents treatment of your DC as not being "real," grandchildren. It might be painful to consider but I'd wonder if subconsciously, you are considering outing your brother's secret to even the score and cause him the same hurt as you've been subject to.
Also, if he is disinherited, more for you. I know that is probably a cruel thing to accuse you of, but the potential for absolute family fallout here is so high, you need to ask yourself exactly why you are even considering doing anything to tell your parents. I think the stakes are way too high to be thinking about it at all. Families can be so toxic.

Your brother is an adult who can do whatever he likes. It is absolutely not your place to get involved (nor is it anyone else's business, including your parents).

Fair play to your brother. It's HIS life and he is clearly living it happily and while taking nothing from his parents/the family.

I hope he is very happy with his own little family and continue to put them first.

You are absolutely right that it is not your story to tell.

You reap what you sow.

They made him feel he would be disowned so he hides things. Its obvious that would happen.

You tell and he will disown you.

The friends that attended his wedding and gorged themselves on his hospitality and want you to do something that they wont do? Fuck them.

Also OP I do get that from the kids' POV it's not fair on them to be a secret. But, better that than the damage from them being known and not wanted.
Again, it will come out eventually. And as Indians are very gossipy I'm surprised that your parents don't know...maybe they do and are choosing to ignore the truth.

This is just disgusting.

I really don't blame your brother if he has nothing to do with them and keeps his child away.

And as for it being more important that your brother's child is a BOY, well, just eye rollingly ridiculous.

My son would not be going anywhere near people who thin like that.

Your parents have only themselves to blame. It’s only sad that your parents don’t know their grandchild because they themselves are so bigoted and your brother correctly needs to protect his wife and child, and himself, from abuse and shunning.

Keep the secret. It is not your secret to tell, you’re right. It is up to your brother as to the timing or if he tells his parents. I think you are conflicted because you feel or hope that your parents would maybe accept your brother’s wife especially if they knew they had a grandchild. But you don’t know that.

To be fair to the OP I can see her point of view. It's why family court in the UK still try their utmost best to maintain contact between kids and parents during a divorce even if one of them is useless (unless they're truly dangerous) . They are still blood relatives whether they like it or not.

It's not as black and white as people are making out, the guilt etc are complex feelings.

And the fact a grandson would be more welcome than a granddaughter is frankly disgusting. And, your parents don’t even accept your own children via donor eggs? That’s very sad and terrible. No matter what one thinks of donor eggs and the whole discussion around all of that, accepting little children and loving them is an absolute given, they are just as worthy as any children. All children, and all human beings, are equal in worth and dignity.

Your parents have only themselves to blame for not having loving and fulfilling relationships with their grandchildren.

I would tell them and say how much you support him.
You have an adorable nephew and great sister in law and one happy brother.

They will initially be shocked but gradually will.come around.

Your brother loves her and she loves him
Who gives a shite what the community say.

They probably have more sordid secrets that they are desperate to hide. Tell your parents that.
Embrace the son his wife and the adorable grandchild.

Life is too short. Time waits for noone. Each day is precious don't waste it full of hate.

He could have married a 'good catch' and been utterly miserable.

Here he is happy.
What more could a parent ask for.

If the brother is ok with that, in a decent world this would be the thing. Lovely post ❤️

I think this part has been massively taken out of context.
They don't consider them their 'grandchildren' as in their culture that would only be biological children of their children.
But they absolutely adore them and treat them like family and kindly.

Bloody hell, how terrible for your DC.

Sounds like your brother has made some great decisions. I don’t understand why you don’t agree with what he’s done?

Your parents sound terrible. Your brother and his family, and you and yours, deserve better.

It's not your secret to tell. Your parents are missing out on their grandchildren because of their own actions, and have nobody to blame but themselves when people choose to protect themselves and their loved ones from that toxicity.

Be happy for your brother and maybe look to form some bonds there - this is your sister in law and nephew, so it would potentially be nice for your children to be able to know each other. And protect yourself and your own family from your parents, don't let your children get hurt by them.

They don't consider them their 'grandchildren' as in their culture that would only be biological children of their children.
But they absolutely adore them and treat them like family and kindly.

So where would that leave your brother's stepchild?

Perhaps the difference in how his kids would be treated was also a consideration.

@Lissaaaaaa Hi
The problem is you also said BOY grandchild to indicate that a male child is somehow superior. I think you too have been indoctrinated to think that boys are superior.

I don’t think it’s been taken out of context at all.

To not consider children born to their daughter as their grandchildren is not normal. It’s cold. And harsh.

Your brother likely knows that his wife and step-chikd would be treated negatively, even if they eventually accepted his marriage, and has decided to protect his family from that. That’s his choice.

Just as it’s your choice to accept their stance on your children - which is absolutely not something most people would accept. They are very lucky you haven’t cut them off completely.

These things aren't unusual. I have a cousin who was adopted - he's in his 50s now. My family is hugely into publishing dry as dust family history. My adopted cousin is never included in written family trees. It's just bizarre. Thank goodness the family history bug seems to have died in my family with my parents' generation dying out.

I wouldn't tell them. But I would think through what you are going to do when it comes out. If they disown him, are you going to break off contact with them? If not, why not?

Agreed that people telling you to tell them are just stirring, or dealing with their own unease. Ignore them.

Frankly, I'm surprised you and your brother have anything to do with them. They sound awful.

YOu know you don't owe them anything, right OP?

No biggie. My cousin did this. Just leave your brother to it, your parents have made their choice and he has made his. Kindly, it has nothing to do with you so no need to feel guilt

How could you says posters have massively taken it out of context, when in your own words -

No they do not consider them their grandchildren in any way.

First of all, you should not be feeling guilty for not telling your parents about your brother's marriage as it is your brother's choice and you may ruin your relationship with him and his family, who all seem like decent people.

Secondly, you should feel a little guilty for saying 'you don't understand why he did it' right after saying he got married in India. He is an adult, he loves someone, they both decoded to get married, don't understand why there is any more explanation required for why he did it.

Third thing is, you and to some extent your brother are conditioned to see your parents as forever authority figures, whose approval should be utmost importance to you and your brother. Why would you brother care for the sex of his child being male, so he could please his parents. So what would have happened if your brother we r had a daughter, your parents would have not accepted her. You can't put everything on Indian culture. There are many traditional Indians, but there are also many Indian parents who love their children and would care for their happiness.

And why should your brother owe them any information or update about his life including his marriage and family if he knows his parents care nothing about what makes his happy and have their own image, prestige, etc which they value more and their son eanting to start his life with an older and single mother would be worth disowning him. They don't own him, but it it obvious ending relationship with own son is easier for them than accepting him with the life he has chosen for himself.

It's a shame that you are okay with your children not being equal to the children of your brother if he was married to someone they approved of. Your children would have felt the discrimination and it seems like you are okay with that. I hope your husband's family love them like own grandchildren. Your family is dysfunctional and to some extent, it seems like you are far more accepting of it than your brother.
Some Indian people have even changed over years and able to change their belief systems for their children and family, so your parents can't be excused.

I'd tell them. I'd also say if they didn't accept it I would cut them off. They're bigots racists.

They have a grandson which they will be delighted with I think. So maybe that will soften the blow.

Why should your brother tell them if that's their attitude? Why should the baby be used to soften the blow of something that shouldn't be a blow at all? It's their own fault entirely for having such an intolerant , controlling attitude.

Wow. Your parents are awful.

Your dna is literally inside those children… well fragments of your dna. Ie Rna. Do you know anything about Epigenetics? Your body had a massive influence on your children. https://www.santamonicafertility.com/blog/donor-eggs-epigenetics-will-the-baby-look-like-me/