Page 8 | To be pissed I'm being blamed for the rift.

KP1993 · 2023-06-10T09:16:47+00:00

This is my first time posting, so will try and be concise, but apologies in advance, but could do with other opinions. This happened last Sunday. We generally visit my husbands grans on a Sunday for a few hours, most Sundays so kids can see her, and his mum, her partner and his sister commonly appear during the day, and depending on work commitments his uncle, aunt and cousins may stop by. His mum and partner do collection for ironing lady on a Sunday afternoon, and they use her partner's van as the run can be quite large. So past Sunday, they go out, van won't start, I go out expecting it to be battery, it's not even turning. (Turns out it was starter motor.) Her partner contacts RAC, hubby asks if he alright to run his mum home to pick up a car to start the run. I say yeah. (He is only named driver on the insurance, and we have both interpreted that he needs permission to use said car.) What should have been maybe 25 minutes/half hour turns into and hour and half. Txt him, no response, ring him - he's helped his mum with the first few collections in our car, she asked. A few collections being enough to fill the back of our estate and the back seat. This is where the issue starts, our insurance is SD&P only. I did rip him for not letting me know what was going on. I am an anxious person, coupled with he only got his license back February just gone ( he lost it driving with no insurance 10 years ago, stupid teenage stunt, he admits so please don't slate him). The entire family know we don't have business insurance, so in my opinion she shouldn't have even asked, considering she won't risk her own car and license (they have 2 cars - one with business and one without). He didn't realise that had he been pulled over using the car for business without appropriate insurance the car would have been impounded (expect it would have cost at least £400-£500 to get back - we really don't have anywhere near that sort of money spare), fines, court and because he had previous the possibility of loosing his license again, as he wasn't officially insured, similarly had there been an accident. There would have been no offer of assistance as 'it's not their problem' as she has said in the past. Fast forward to the late afternoon/evening, we had words, I went out to cool off as I was still livid. When I got home, I sent his mum a message on WhatsApp. I wasn't rude, but I was direct and it's obvious that I am pissed. I have since been told, that because I sent a message I have caused a rift in the family, I am over reacting, 'the likelihood of being pulled over is very low' (to me not the point), and should learn more 'tact' (without recognising that I have been biting my tongue for weeks as she runs down 'council' estates and the people that come off them, knowing full well that I grew up on council estate), and because I can say no to use of the car I am manipulative (this coming from his gran). I maintain that the rift was caused when his mum risked hubby license and our insurance, he admits had he known the implications he wouldn't have done it, but is owning his part. He is nieve with regards to insurance, I have dealt with car insurance for about 12 years, as well as pet insurance etc, so probably didn't go through his head. I have taken it that her behaviour is unacceptable, but I have to deal with it and shouldn't say anything, but when I call her out, she gets pissed at me, and instead of telling her her behaviour wasn't acceptable, her mother (his gran) is coddling her. When I met my husband, his mother made a big deal out of him driving without insurance, and now it's acceptable if it benefits her. In my opinion NO. We have solved any concerns over manipulation, he has standing permission to use the car within the confines of the insurance, and if he is unsure to ask. YABU - just let it go, he didn't get caught and it is your fault YANBU - shouldn't have taken that risk with someone else's car/insurance/license, you are within your right to be pissed, and it isn't your fault

Billyho · 10/06/2023 14:35

Billyho · 10/06/2023 14:30

Couldn’t see that!

Not sure how this is helping her anxiety? Do you?

she seems adamant that everyone must feel the same way as her? The original question was AIBU, which I think has been covered?

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Oh and forgot to add, like her DH needs to take responsibility for reading the thread and continuing to post, it’s her choice anxiety or not.

she cannot control what others do.

Greenfree · 10/06/2023 14:35

YABU, sorry OP but I think you could have handled this better and just had a private word with your DH about it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/06/2023 14:37

Sunnyfeelgood · 10/06/2023 10:34

I think the fact that you are 'an anxious person' is the main problem here. If we follow the fear to the end.

Who is stopping the car?
The police?
If the police stop the car would they care about lots of clothing in the back seat?
If they cared would they then contact the insurance company to find out the kind of insurance?
If they found out it was SD&P and not business would they care?
If they cared they would then need to prove the clothing was part of a business and not just someone moving house.
Where would the evidence be?
Do the police (who see horrific extreme crime on a regular basis) really want to be such a jobsworth that they try to take down a middle aged woman doing a bit of ironing?

There are real criminals in this world and the police are stretched enough trying to sort them out.

The thing is, you are making a huge deal out of nothing, which is why it has caused a rift, as no one else can understand the issue (apart from your DP as you have caught him up in your anxiety).

Disagree - if his DM won't use her own car in case she is stopped, how dare she ask him to use his?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 10/06/2023 14:37

He sure lost his licence for a long time for ‘driving without insurance’.

Unless he’s not that much older than teen years now? How old is he?

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 14:38

Obviously as far as many are concerned I am unreasonable, but it does amaze me how many people would take the risk, even in exceptional circumstances this might happen. I am also amazed that people think it's acceptable to ask someone to do something that you wouldn't do yourself.

Sunnyfeelgood · 10/06/2023 14:42

@KP19933

I have no intention of controlling anyone

I hear you. I think you are actually doing everything with incredibly good intentions. Where it seems to be going a bit skewiff is that you are trying to get other people to buy into your catastrophising and 'what ifs'.

Your husband running his mum to collect some laundry, in your mind = huge risk where licence is taken away and car impounded. This didn't happen. The risk of this happening is minimal. 2 people working in insurance have told you this would not be the case. Most people on this thread are aware this would not be the case. You are acting as if this was actuallty likely to happen.

So it is very understandable that his family don't take kindly to being forced to play into your anxiety. It is controlling to try and force them all to play along to your irrational world view.

As for the MIL, you know her better than anyone here, so none of us can comment on her intentions. However, I would say that the vast majority of us would not think about the car insurance when doing someone a favour. It is on your mind because of your history and your anxiety. It might be a stretch to imply she thought about it and manipulated it. If someone asked me to do this favour, car insurance wouldn't enter my mind. But I guess you have history with her making horrible remarks about your upbringing, so there is every chance she could disrespect you in other ways. This would be a weird way to do it though! But of course not unfathomable.

diddl · 10/06/2023 14:43

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 14:38

Obviously as far as many are concerned I am unreasonable, but it does amaze me how many people would take the risk, even in exceptional circumstances this might happen. I am also amazed that people think it's acceptable to ask someone to do something that you wouldn't do yourself.

I think a lot of posters think that you were unreasonable to contact his mum.

It seems that there's a back story which some posters (self included) have missed due to name change.

Anaemiafog · 10/06/2023 14:44

You are out of order. Doubt that's what you expected to hear.

Screwballs · 10/06/2023 14:45

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 14:38

Obviously as far as many are concerned I am unreasonable, but it does amaze me how many people would take the risk, even in exceptional circumstances this might happen. I am also amazed that people think it's acceptable to ask someone to do something that you wouldn't do yourself.

Jesus how many times are you going to reiterate she won't do it herself to justify your behaviour? You already noted this was more of a time saving exercise. She asked for a favour, OH said yes, it's that simple, nothing happened, I'm sure as hell they won't bother asking their son for a favour again. Christ on a bloody bike love, this is so nothing it is pathetic. Just stop and bloody apologise for being so damned rude to your partners mother.

Screwballs · 10/06/2023 14:47

Sunnyfeelgood · 10/06/2023 14:42

@KP19933

I have no intention of controlling anyone

I hear you. I think you are actually doing everything with incredibly good intentions. Where it seems to be going a bit skewiff is that you are trying to get other people to buy into your catastrophising and 'what ifs'.

Your husband running his mum to collect some laundry, in your mind = huge risk where licence is taken away and car impounded. This didn't happen. The risk of this happening is minimal. 2 people working in insurance have told you this would not be the case. Most people on this thread are aware this would not be the case. You are acting as if this was actuallty likely to happen.

So it is very understandable that his family don't take kindly to being forced to play into your anxiety. It is controlling to try and force them all to play along to your irrational world view.

As for the MIL, you know her better than anyone here, so none of us can comment on her intentions. However, I would say that the vast majority of us would not think about the car insurance when doing someone a favour. It is on your mind because of your history and your anxiety. It might be a stretch to imply she thought about it and manipulated it. If someone asked me to do this favour, car insurance wouldn't enter my mind. But I guess you have history with her making horrible remarks about your upbringing, so there is every chance she could disrespect you in other ways. This would be a weird way to do it though! But of course not unfathomable.

Has MIL actually made some big thing about council estates or is this OP blowing one comment completely out of context and using it to justify her own actions.

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 14:51

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/06/2023 14:11

This is it though surely? His mum manoeuvred him to do something she wasn’t willing to do herself. She could have contacted her insurance company and added business use to her car if she wanted to be above board.

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I doubt his mum was trying to manipulate him into taking an insurance risk because as many PP have pointed out, to most people a one off like this is hardly registering as a risk.

But given that she asked originally for a smaller favour that somehow got bigger once they were away from OP when OP could not be part of the discussion, I do think it's reasonably likely she was trying to manipulate him into spending time with just her, attending to her needs alone when he was supposed to be with OP and others in the family, in order to "win" some imagined competition with the OP. And this need to "win" may not be something she or the OP are consciously aware of but it will still colour their relationship.

Billyho · 10/06/2023 14:53

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 14:51

I doubt his mum was trying to manipulate him into taking an insurance risk because as many PP have pointed out, to most people a one off like this is hardly registering as a risk.

But given that she asked originally for a smaller favour that somehow got bigger once they were away from OP when OP could not be part of the discussion, I do think it's reasonably likely she was trying to manipulate him into spending time with just her, attending to her needs alone when he was supposed to be with OP and others in the family, in order to "win" some imagined competition with the OP. And this need to "win" may not be something she or the OP are consciously aware of but it will still colour their relationship.

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Master manipulator getting the starter motor to break as well! Just so she could engineer time with her son…

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 14:55

Sunnyfeelgood · 10/06/2023 14:42

@KP19933

I have no intention of controlling anyone

I hear you. I think you are actually doing everything with incredibly good intentions. Where it seems to be going a bit skewiff is that you are trying to get other people to buy into your catastrophising and 'what ifs'.

Your husband running his mum to collect some laundry, in your mind = huge risk where licence is taken away and car impounded. This didn't happen. The risk of this happening is minimal. 2 people working in insurance have told you this would not be the case. Most people on this thread are aware this would not be the case. You are acting as if this was actuallty likely to happen.

So it is very understandable that his family don't take kindly to being forced to play into your anxiety. It is controlling to try and force them all to play along to your irrational world view.

As for the MIL, you know her better than anyone here, so none of us can comment on her intentions. However, I would say that the vast majority of us would not think about the car insurance when doing someone a favour. It is on your mind because of your history and your anxiety. It might be a stretch to imply she thought about it and manipulated it. If someone asked me to do this favour, car insurance wouldn't enter my mind. But I guess you have history with her making horrible remarks about your upbringing, so there is every chance she could disrespect you in other ways. This would be a weird way to do it though! But of course not unfathomable.

We have had a few instances locally of cars being impounded, and through the grapevine we have heard things to do with insurance, that put me on edge about it immediately. I don't expect them to play into my anxiety, and don't want them to (same idea as a child who fall over, unhurt will cry if you make a big deal out of it) but an understanding of my concerns. I have always looked at worse case scenario, which I admit is also not healthy.
She commented to him only one of the cars could be used due to insurance.

Billyho · 10/06/2023 14:59

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 14:55

We have had a few instances locally of cars being impounded, and through the grapevine we have heard things to do with insurance, that put me on edge about it immediately. I don't expect them to play into my anxiety, and don't want them to (same idea as a child who fall over, unhurt will cry if you make a big deal out of it) but an understanding of my concerns. I have always looked at worse case scenario, which I admit is also not healthy.
She commented to him only one of the cars could be used due to insurance.

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Oh give over, that’s utter nonsense! If the “we” includes your DH, why wasn’t he aware of the potential issue?

”through”
the grapevine heard…… my arse!

shame your DH hadn’t heard any of this through the grapevine isn’t it! Perhaps share your knowledge with him, because as you say he’s utterly useless in knowing about insurance.

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 15:01

Screwballs · 10/06/2023 14:47

Has MIL actually made some big thing about council estates or is this OP blowing one comment completely out of context and using it to justify her own actions.

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Council estates are full of people doing drugs.
You can't trust anyone, they're all thieves.
Why would want to live there, you'll be right near the council estate, they're scum on there (specifically the estate I grew up on for 10 year, it wasn't the best, but my folks worked hard to bring my brother and I up to their best ability)

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:03

Billyho · 10/06/2023 14:53

Master manipulator getting the starter motor to break as well! Just so she could engineer time with her son…

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Of course not! That would indeed be a silly thing to conclude.

But suggesting a bog standard, common-or-garden, not-especially-master manipulator might find an opportunity in an event that happened to arise is pretty reasonable.

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:03

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 15:01

Council estates are full of people doing drugs.
You can't trust anyone, they're all thieves.
Why would want to live there, you'll be right near the council estate, they're scum on there (specifically the estate I grew up on for 10 year, it wasn't the best, but my folks worked hard to bring my brother and I up to their best ability)

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What did your DH say to his DM about that? What did you say?

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:04

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:03

Of course not! That would indeed be a silly thing to conclude.

But suggesting a bog standard, common-or-garden, not-especially-master manipulator might find an opportunity in an event that happened to arise is pretty reasonable.

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She did it to save time, as the OP explained!

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 10/06/2023 15:06

sorry if it’s been asked already, and on the off chance you return to thread after you’ve had your arse handed to you…

but did he really lose his licence for 10 years for driving without insurance??? That seems quite extreme

KarmaStar · 10/06/2023 15:06

Yabu extremely ott about this.
And Yabvu to use the smug term hubby.

PinkkHydrangea · 10/06/2023 15:07

This in insanity

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:08

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 10/06/2023 15:06

sorry if it’s been asked already, and on the off chance you return to thread after you’ve had your arse handed to you…

but did he really lose his licence for 10 years for driving without insurance??? That seems quite extreme

It has been said, OP has name changed and is still posting regularly!

she is now KP19333 (I think) or similar.

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 15:09

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:03

What did your DH say to his DM about that? What did you say?

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Husband wasn't paying attention, he was speaking to his gran I think at the time, I bit my tongue. I don't want to get in the middle of them, and I do try. Obviously not hard enough this time.
There have been a couple of extremely bad estates in our area, where they relocated specific people to, and they have been horrific, but I would never tar everyone with the same brush.

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:12

KP19933 · 10/06/2023 15:09

Husband wasn't paying attention, he was speaking to his gran I think at the time, I bit my tongue. I don't want to get in the middle of them, and I do try. Obviously not hard enough this time.
There have been a couple of extremely bad estates in our area, where they relocated specific people to, and they have been horrific, but I would never tar everyone with the same brush.

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How did he address it once you’d told him what had been said?

Because if he said nothing, that’s another sign of him being spineless!

OooPourUsACupLove · 10/06/2023 15:13

Billyho · 10/06/2023 15:04

She did it to save time, as the OP explained!

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Interesting isn't it that OP had to chase them to find that out? You'd think, knowing OP was expecting them back in 25 minutes or so, they'd have dropped her a text or something to say they'd be longer than expected because they'd decided on a new plan. You know, shown her a bit of respect rather than her having to chase to find out what's going on. It's these details that suggest this was more than just a practical solution, at least for the MIL.