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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend says I'm ignorant -aibu to think I'm not?

233 replies

aaratty · 10/06/2023 10:04

Tomorrow there is a big concert in our city.
60,000 so hotels are now all full or ridiculously expensive.
A week ago a "friend "(hasn't spoke to him in 10 years ) messaged asking if he could park his camper van on our drive tonight and my partner said yes (which okay it's fine )
Now tomorrow we are also going to this concert and I'm really excited and bought a new outfit and want to look nice.
The plan is to head into town around 1pm (we are lucky it's a 5 min walk to town and 15 to stadium )
Now he is saying they are coming inside for breakfast and a chat -I said okay no worries but in the morning il be getting ready (I want to do my hair /make up nice etc -I don't feel confident without makeup and would never be out with strangers without some make up on)
Partner has said no that's ignorant come and sit with us before you get ready and have breakfast and then quickly get ready.
I said no I'm getting ready then I'll make some breakfast -he said from what he remembers his friend likes early breakfast
Oh well -
Aibu here ?
What difference does it make if I'm getting ready whilst he is chatting with them?
I don't even know the guy

OP posts:
Preps · 10/06/2023 12:13

I'd get up and follow my usual getting ready routine then join them for breakfast. Guest/DP either have breakfast then or sort themselves out.

But how long is this effort going to take?. It is a bit odd to keep everyone waiting/ignore a guest while you spend hours getting ready. 30 mins or so, normal. Hopefully neither of them need you to actually make breakfast though.

cantcopenow · 10/06/2023 12:13

I said no I'm getting ready then I'll make some breakfast -he said from what he remembers his friend likes early breakfast

😂😂

(I don’t feel I need to add to that but just in case:

”I’ll be cooking breakfast around X time and anyone who’s around then is welcome to join me.”
…
“9am? Ah shame, enjoy, but I won’t be there then. Make sure you don’t leave the kitchen in a mess.”
…
”Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise it was the King/Prime Minister/Greta Thunberg who was coming [delete as appropriate]. Of course I’ll run around after them! Can’t wait to meet them.”

Otherwise I’m afraid he was born in the wrong era, women don’t have to act like unpaid domestic servants anymore and thankfully we know it!

Cas112 · 10/06/2023 12:16

arethereanyleftatall · 10/06/2023 10:13

I'm not really understanding the timings.

Will you be spending the entire morning getting ready?

And are you saying you won't even pop down to say hi to guests in that time?

If so, then yes, I think that's rude.

Well not really, OP planned her day already, is entitled to spend the morning getting ready, she doesn't even know these people and her boyfriend expects her to just drop her plans to not look rude, is it not rude to expect OP to just drop what she's doing for him and his friend.

I expect OP will say hello but she is perfectly entitled to spend the morning doing what she was already going to

cantcopenow · 10/06/2023 12:17

bussteward · 10/06/2023 12:07

It‘s not about the makeup or the use of the word ignorant: he wants you to forgo your one lie-in when you’re usually up at 5am (presumably to feed his cat?) so you can host his friend? Because he’s incapable of pouring some cornflakes? Your boyfriend is a turd, sorry.

This, too. The makeup is a separate issue for you to deal with as and when you feel appropriate, not for your DP’s convenience or that of some random man you’ve never met and DP hasn’t even seen for a decade. I mean! 😂😂

More seriously, it makes me so angry that patriarchy has done such a number on so many women that OP even needs to ask if she’s being unreasonable. I bet your DP hasn’t questioned his expectations for a second.

Zarataralara · 10/06/2023 12:18

The whole idea of a camper van is that it has all the facilities for storing, preparing, cooking food and washing up afterwards. Friend uses his camper van, invites your bf in for breakfast and you do what you want.
And why is he expecting you to make breakfast? Tell him to come out if his cave ffs.

PumpkinQueen1 · 10/06/2023 12:25

I would tell your OH you're not doing breakfast, but that you can all walk into town together and have a meal and a drink before the gig.

If his mate expects breakfast, your OH can cook it, or they can go somewhere for a fry up.

Dont let this ruin your day. He is taking the piss.

whynotwhatknot · 10/06/2023 12:27

They want an early breakfast do they-oh good your partner can make it then

what are you a 50s housewife

Original poster
aaratty · 10/06/2023 12:28

You know what makes me laugh about the whole situation
This isn't really even a friend ,he hasn't heard from him in 10 years.
Don't have each other's numbers or kept in touch.
They message via Facebook and it's purely because this guy wants somewhere to park his van because he didn't want to pay a hotel.
If this was a actual friend then I probably would make more of a effort
But I'm not changing my plans for some random

OP posts:
Anissue · 10/06/2023 12:30

I think your partner means ‘arrogant’.

Also, obviously, you don’t have to make breakfast. What the actual fuck?
You should come downstairs, grab a pastry and a coffee and say hello, then carry on getting ready.

User1367349 · 10/06/2023 12:30

This basically comes down to the fact that he wants you to make breakfast for his guests so he doesn’t have to lift a finger, doesn’t it?

MrsJHarker · 10/06/2023 12:31

You had a lovely chilled morning planned and wanted to enjoy getting ready.

It is not up to you to play host.

MrBlobbyWasTrulyAwful · 10/06/2023 12:31

This

Jesseweneedtocook · 10/06/2023 12:32

Of course you're not unreasonable, in what universe is this 'ignorant'? For a start your other half hasn't understood what that word means but bottom line is, you had plans and you're entitled to stick with them. I don't understand why people are expected to run around after 'guests'. They're people in your house. You don't know them. Crack on with your original plans. 😃

Spanielsarepainless · 10/06/2023 12:33

HE is ignorant if he thinks this is ignorance. Introduce him to the frying pan and let him cook breakfast.

ChilledBeez · 10/06/2023 12:33

So, he hasn't spoken to him in 10 years so this guy is basically using you to have somewhere handy to park up and your partner actually gives a crap what you do? Stick to the plan you originally had. Why can this stranger to you come bouncing in and change that? your partner is being a people pleaser. Tell him that he hasn't heard from him in a freakin' decade.!!

Clymene · 10/06/2023 12:35

Does your boyfriend have some kind of disability that means he's unable to make breakfast for his friend?

MamblingOn · 10/06/2023 12:38

It’s not that he thinks you’ll look rude, it’s because he wants you to cook.

stick to your lie in/ long bath/ not smelling of bacon plan

LaDamaDeElche · 10/06/2023 12:41

aaratty · 10/06/2023 10:17

My plan was to have a lie in till 9 (I'm up at 5am most days )
And then just have a cuppa and start getting ready
Bath ,make up hair etc then go out for dinner (he mentioned adding in a breakfast )
So then I said okay il get up early and get ready for like half 11 then make a late breakfast /brunch
He says no they will want breakfast at 8/9 but I won't be ready by then.
He wants me to just make breakfast in my pjs and sit and chat with them for a bit.
He wanted a cat -said he would look after this cat.
He doesn't ,I look after it,I book vets appointments -then get my parents to look after the cat -everything falls on me
For once I just want to do what I want to do

Why can't he make breakfast? Have I teleported back to the 1950's on this thread. His mates, he cooks. You get ready. End of story. He's fucking "ignorant" expecting you to run around after him and his friends.

MrsJHarker · 10/06/2023 12:42

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 10/06/2023 12:10

(On that note I’ve never understood irony precisely - is it ironic that those saying he doesn’t know what ignorant means, are ignorant of the fact ignorant can mean rude? 😄 )

😂

User1438423 · 10/06/2023 12:44

I am absolutely fascinated on the fixation of the word ignorant on this post. I don't live in the south west and it is absolutely used to mean rude here too (north west) had no idea it was regional. If it is used to mean rude in the south west, north west and Ireland, I'd be interested to hear where people are from who are confused by this usage.

Back to the main point, your boyfriend is ignorant to invite a friend and expect you to give up your lie in and wake up early to cook for the pair of them. If he wants to invite someone for breakfast he cooks and entertains his friend while you do what you had planned. Or he can order takeaway or take his friend our for breakfast. I am very laid back and not someone who spends a lot of time on hair/makeup but I still wouldn't want to greet anyone in my home in my pyjamas when I have just woken up. It is accomodating of you to agree to him being there while you get ready.

Everydayimhuffling · 10/06/2023 12:45

I really dislike how "ignorant" is used to mean rude now. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it really does.

You are fine, OP. I notice that he is suggesting that you will be the one to make breakfast. Even if you come and say a quick hello, don't do that.

Brefugee · 10/06/2023 12:47

have only read OPs posts.

TBH your bf is a total dick and if he is ok with his "friend" using him so he doesn't have to pay for a hotel, that's on him. This friend should be turning up with the ingredients for a good breakfast and he and your bf can prepare it.

You are in your own house on your own time and can arrange your morning/breakfast/preparations exactly as you wish and no man one should be telling you what to do like this.

Basically he is inflicting a stranger on you and expecting you to adjust your day to fit in with this berk who isn't even an actual friend?

MrsJHarker · 10/06/2023 12:50

Everydayimhuffling · 10/06/2023 12:45

I really dislike how "ignorant" is used to mean rude now. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it really does.

You are fine, OP. I notice that he is suggesting that you will be the one to make breakfast. Even if you come and say a quick hello, don't do that.

It's been used for that for years.

Lacucuracha · 10/06/2023 12:50

Why can’t your boyfriend make his friend breakfast?

OP, for the love of God, please don’t make these twats breakfast and please dump your boyfriend, he is a misogynistic twat.

EmmaChizzett · 10/06/2023 12:52

Ignorant in the sense of ill-mannered has been used in Scotland for generations. It's not new.