To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

[Amethyst13]

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

It's your mum I feel sorry for 🙁Can you make it up to her by taking her to a nice cafe or something, just the two of you? Somewhere you can just park outside.

Your MIL stole from the cafe I would have gone back and given them a £10 tip and made a huge deal out of it. I would have also made it very clear that stinginess is a horrid trait, not taking the tip back encourages her behaviour. My SiL and ex BiL used to be like this where they would take the over payments everyone made for tips off their bill and insist on being last. I called them out on it, and ensured bills were always spilt after that.

Did she grow up in a poor family? It may just be ingrained into her to save money where possible. It wasn’t nice for her to take the tip though, I’d have driving back and gave it back to the waitress

Your MIL is unreasonable for her behaviour, but so are you for making your poor Mum walk all that way without pulling your DH up for indulging her! I'd have made sure me and my Mum were dropped off in town first then he could walk back to fetch the car to collect us afterwards too!

I don’t understand why you took your in-laws. Surely your mum wanted some time with you? And no way would I ever expect my mum to walk that distance, poor show OP. As for your MIL, I would have insisted on going back just to leave the tip, how dare she.

I wouldn’t bother inviting her anywhere again after that behaviour. She seems like a know it all type person who loves to control and make people feel uncomfortable. Your poor mum came all that way and had to put up with that rude women. Tell your husband in future he can go see her alone.

Let it go .. take a deep breath and let it go … it’s not worth getting stressed about … I’ve been there done that and if I had my time again I would just ignore it all because let people stew … I calm myself down as much as I can when people do stuff that pees me off …. Life is too short … it’s not the situation it’s how we react to it

McDonald’s cafe for her next time!

Come on now.
Yes, she's mean. There might be a reason. It really doesn't matter.
The spinelessness of everyone around her is the problem.

You let your mum walk back to that car. You.

Gosh, your mother-in-law sounds unbearable! I wouldn't go out with her again. Or....if you have to, go to the most expensive place you can think of, and let her watch on aghast as you press a £20 note tip into the hand of whoever has been your waiter or waitress. See if she actually tries to pry it out of their hand. I once had a boyfriend whose mother was like this. One Christmas Day, we were all around the dinner table. We pulled crackers and they were very posh crackers with posh little presents inside. The boyfriend's mother made us all hand her our cracker presents so that she could sell them at a car boot sale. It wasn't even her house and she hadn't bought the crackers. I sat on my present so she couldn't have it, ha ha. I have no time for awful people like this! Hope you don't have to see too much of this woman!!!

Outrageous OP! But a great story about a tight f*er

We need more TF threads

I can’t stand tightness with money so you’re not being unreasonable however I wouldn’t have let her away with either the parking 1km away or taking the tip, so you and your DH are unreasonable for that.

That would be the last time I ever took my MIL out for a meal. And if she suggested it in the future I would tell her no and why. If you ever go out with MiL in the car again, make sure you are driving!

If the OP was only about the tip, why did you mention the parking? To give back story about her tightness?

the only thing you can control OP is your own behaviour. So yes obviously your MIL was unreasonable for taking back the tip. We don’t need much of a backstory to come to that conclusion 😂

But in terms of walking, I’d have sent DH to get the car for the way home because you knew then how long it was.

Your MIL behaviour was abhorrent, however I think a discussion needs to be had with your DH and you need to re-evaluate your own behaviour in future as your mother should never have been made to walk that distance on uneven terrain. I understand you didn't know how difficult the walk would be there, but making your mother walk back was wrong. I would have made my DH walk and bring the car back or paid for a taxi to the car. Your MIL needs to learn boundaries and you need to learn to advocate for yourself and your family. I could never consider causing pain to any member of my family just to keep the peace.

It might just be me. But picking the tip up after you specifically said you wanted to leave it sounds more like a power/control move to me. She wanted to have the last say. Just be sure to set your boundaries. You can be polite and respectful of her as a MIL without letting her control situations at your expense.

I don’t mean to be harsh but why didn’t you speak up for your mum and say ‘no we need to park closer, you can meet us in town if you like?’ I would also make a point of taking the tip back and let her know i’d done so.

Basically she took money off that table that didn't belong to her.
If a child did that, I'd march them back there and hand it over and listen to them say sorry.
Why should the old woman be any different?

Horrid behaviour. I wouldn't take her out again without clearly telling her how rude she was.

Well, it’s clearly not about money, is it? She gets to control people using money as the means - she dictates where you park whilst a passenger and she controls your expression of appreciation of a meal by taking the tip. The only way forward is simply being very firm with your own boundaries. Either separate outings or a plain ‘mum can’t walk that far and I don’t want to’ statement. Is she this annoying generally or is this about upstaging your mum?

But for the walk BACK to the car, you knew how long it would take.

I suppose your Mum wouldn't have wanted to make a fuss

And DH doesn't want to make a fuss as he's used to his mother being a stingy old bag

And you don't make a fuss, for some reason

So....MIL gets away with acting as she chooses

I'm not sure what any of us on this thread are meant to say, when you, DH and DMum don't stand up for what you think is right

No, yanbu but will you actually tell her the reason you won't go out with her again ?

My sister was similarly embarrassing to eat out with, so I no longer go to restaurant/ cafe with her....I told her the reasons too.

I hate it when people behave like that, but she's your husband's Mum, so refusing to go out with her to eat again, is a little OTT. Next time, discreetly tip at the counter. It's not your husband's fault his Mum is a stingy old bag.

Sums it up.

Your MIL is the absolute dregs of society to steal that tip.

Your poor mother knowing the type of dregs she is with, just martyrs on.

Unbelievable that you would allow her to be treated thus.

I would be utterly mortified that my husband would treat my mother like this, but then he is very dismissive of you, just like his ghastly mother, so they have that in come.

Vulgar people.

In future you tell your husband to take his ghastly mother out and you should take your mother out separately.

Have a think about your own behaviour in this.

No doubt your mother minimises her discomfort, but it will likely have been great.