To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

[Amethyst13]

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

Good Lord

and you don’t find it ironic that you say your mum has a voice and she should have used it. However she would have witnessed her daughter using her voice but being “dismissed”

I mean it is literally what you said!! 😂

Brace yourself. That was my point but went down like a sack of shit!

@AliceOlive you’ve been relentlessly defending the op to so many posters on this thread and, for want of a better expression, thoroughly brown nosing. Why?!

I know hindsight is great etc, and thr atmosphere was sharsh but I'm sure your mum stuck up for you when you were little, and fought your corner... I feel your MIL needs a stern talking to.

I would have made DH drive into the village and pay £2 to park so that I could return the tip.

And I would refuse to eat out with her again.

You used your words and you were dismissed.

Yet you expect your mother to argue with your ghastly husband and MIL when she saw you roundly dismissed?

An elderly arthritic person, your guest in your home?

Your bossy thieving MIL shouldn't have been included in the outing as you know she is unable to conduct herself in a decent manner.

Your mother rarely visits yet was treated appallingly.

I really hope this thread gives you pause for thought for how you allowed your elderly mother be treated and how she she could have expected to be treated better by her son in law.

You have absolutely no business foisting that ghastly thief on your visiting mother and you need to own your passivity in allowing what occurred to happen.

I have an aunt just like this, it's exactly the sort of thing she would've done. She's a master of getting out of paying for anything. TBH she will never change so we've turned it into a source of amusement and play "Aunty J Bingo" although it wouldn't be amusing if her stinginess caused someone to be in pain 😞

Same here, fun to watch.

Rather than not go out again with her again, just make a clear plan with DH in advance. Decide exactly what you're going to do re parking , tipping, any expenditure you want to make and stick to it. You're a team. DH just needs your back up and you'll be fine. Whenever MIL pipes up, compliment her on how nice something she's wearing is and how amazing that she can get it for pennies from the second hand shop. Take her shopping for her birthday at the second hand shop and set a £1 budget!

That's something I have learnt also. You can't change people's behaviour, especially once they are older, so you have to manage how you react to it - and the best way is not reacting at all.

Absolutely.. only hurting themselves when they act out

I’m confused. Why did you, a grown up who loves her own mother, allow any of this to happen? Why did you enable this rude, unsafe & cruel behaviour? The more you do nothing the more you give them power to be appropriate. Take the power ‘till Husband knows how to behave like a ‘nice’ person.

Tell him what your doing!

Coming back to the car,you knew that wasn't the case
You should have spoken up and got them to pick you up from the cafe.
Even if your dm didn't say it,you should have

You are not being unreasonable to be upset. Never going out to eat with her again, may be a bit over the line.

OP this is coercive control by your MIL. She is letting your mum know that she (MIL ) is in charge and all answerable to her and you are all accepting of it.

Yeah I agree with you actually. Your mum should’ve said something. Even if just for the return walk she said ‘you go get the car and pick me up from upside!’

As for your MIL stealing the tip, I would literally tell her how out of order this behaviour was and tell her and your DH that you’re pissed off about it. I wouldn’t dine out with her again! I would also insist on driving next time your mum is down and sit DH & mother in law in the back and tell them not to shut up if they start telling you where to park.. just a simple ‘no back seat drivers please!!’ Or a simple joke saying ‘yeah we know what your SHORT walks are like!! I’d rather pay to park thanks!

I would never have allowed my Mother to be treated this way. She could have fallen.

I'd also drive back to the cafe and not only give her the 4 quid back, but probably topped it up. Your MIL needs putting in her place.

Sorry you had to deal with this. I'd be tempted to go back to the cafe next time she visits. She can wait in the paid parking while you go and give a tenner and apology note to the staff there for her behaviour.

Jesus! You're all aa bad as eachother ... your choice of words here is pretty ick.

My children know that if their partners parent swiped a tip we'd left, I would absolutely make sure we went back and I'd leave an even bigger tip and apologise for my n-laws awful behaviour... that way, they realise that what they did was wrong and see it put right.

Why on earth are you all tiptoeing around eachother...

You are just trying to excuse your behaviour. Your MIL is vile and a thief. Your husband is spineless and you should have looked after your mother better. Poor lady - what an awful day all round

IF you get trapped in this situation again, two things. First, say, "Drop mum and me off in front of the cafe. She cannot walk that far. Second, hand the tip directly to the server, even if you have to chase her down!

Then have your DH drive back and pick the two of you up in front of the cafe. And if MIL says anything about the hassle, tell her flat out, "If you weren't so penny-pinching, we wouldn't have to do this. It's on you."

This is a complete cop out. So you’re desperate to abdicate any responsibility? Therefore this is just a whinge about the terrible MIL, with no glimpse of light from how you could have managed this differently?

Tbf your MIL stole the tip as it was never her money so I would have gone back to village, made her pay for parking and then got her to return the tip.

Pretty disgusting you’ve indirectly described your mum as an elderly cripple too… yuk