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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

445 replies

Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:27

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

OP posts:
Countingdowntodecember · 12/06/2023 01:51

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare but I can’t understand why both you and your DH let her dictate parking when your mum has arthritis.

Rightiothen13 · 12/06/2023 05:35

I really hope this thread gives you pause for thought for how you allowed your elderly mother be treated and how she she could have expected to be treated better by her son in law

Given the OP’s last post, sadly absolutely no chance

Rightiothen13 · 12/06/2023 05:36

That was to @billy1966

RachaelN · 12/06/2023 05:36

Yeah, I'd have lost my shit at the parking. We probably wouldn't have got to the cafe. My mum also has mobility issues and I'm very protective.

Shehug · 12/06/2023 07:17

Very bad behaviour. DH needs to tackle this and ask her to apologise to you all. Could be the end of the relationship though. Make sure she is not the last to leave the table in future or give tip directly to waiters. Your poor mum.

captainmarvella · 12/06/2023 07:24

Right OP, the next time you see your MIL, casually mention to her about how and your friend went to the same café and tipped the same waitress treble the amount, as she was so lovely and was so understanding about the last time when MIL had mistakenly picked up the waitress' tip"/ At least you will put an end to MIL's self congratulatory crowing abt this.

HRTFT but hopefully you will visit the cafe soon and tip her!

As for OP "making" her mom walk back the return journey too, wonder what she is supposed to do with an adult female who refuses to make a fuss and insists on walking?

Screamingabdabz · 12/06/2023 07:33

Tight fisted people are the worst. I would not be going out with MIL again as her attitude makes things awkward for everybody. You need to call her out too. No good everyone being outwardly polite but silently seething. Evil happens when good people stay silent.

I hope anyone reading this who thinks they would’ve saved the parking money and swiped the tip please know that nobody thinks your frugality is astute or clever. Everyone thinks you are a mean spirited dick.

OttoGraph · 12/06/2023 07:56

Thats not tight, its stealing tips

horseyhorsey17 · 12/06/2023 09:22

She sounds like a nightmare but I'm not sure it's worth starting WW3 within your family circle by refusing to eat out with her ever again. Just be wise to her ways and prepare in advance!

Lucy777777777777 · 12/06/2023 09:28

I don't think you're unreasonable but.... I just hope for you there isn't any dementia kicking in. If it's just her getting tighter in her old age then that would be a lot better!

TwoEEs · 12/06/2023 09:40

Your MIL was a twatt OP and the fact you are coping the blame is a joke! Don’t get me started on the I assume your marriage is dreadful brigade! Women bringing down others for no reason is different from calling out wrong doing. Disgusting.

Ap42 · 12/06/2023 10:00

I also would have been seething. This kind of tightness drives me insane.
Years ago in my early 20's I went to New York with a 'friend' we bought a big bottle of water for our hotel room to share. I suggested we do the same the following day, she refused as I had drank more of the water. The water was a dollar or 2. We are no longer friends.

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 10:11

My mum has mobility issues so I really feel for your mum.

YANBU not to go out with MIL anymore. DH can take her out on his own.

But in any case make it clear to DH that what happened yesterday will not happen and he needs to pull his finger out.

Nordicrain · 12/06/2023 10:15

I never get posts like this. You can use your voice. "MIL, park where you want, but you can drop me and mum in the village", "MIL, that money was meant for the waitress, it is not up to you whether I tip or not". Your MIL is going ot keep acting as she is as long as you just put up with it.

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 10:17

Nordicrain · 12/06/2023 10:15

I never get posts like this. You can use your voice. "MIL, park where you want, but you can drop me and mum in the village", "MIL, that money was meant for the waitress, it is not up to you whether I tip or not". Your MIL is going ot keep acting as she is as long as you just put up with it.

OP wasn't being unreasonable for believing MIL when she told them the village was a short walk away.

And she did use her voice, she told MIL to leave the tip.

Not helpful to blame the OP for MIL's bad behaviour.

Daffodilsandbagels · 12/06/2023 10:18

You’re getting unfairly attacked on this thread OP, but I think you should find a way to get the tip back to the waitress - you could put a £5 note in a card addressed to the cafe, with a note explaining? I know it’s a hassle but your MIL stole that money off the waitress - who is almost certainly on minimum wage! - and you/your DH are the only people who will put this right. I think you would be totally within your rights to refuse to eat out with your MIL again - stealing from the staff is such low behaviour.

Nordicrain · 12/06/2023 10:26

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 10:17

OP wasn't being unreasonable for believing MIL when she told them the village was a short walk away.

And she did use her voice, she told MIL to leave the tip.

Not helpful to blame the OP for MIL's bad behaviour.

Show quote history

OP isn't to blame for her bad behaviour, but by not speaking up she is condoning it. Even if she didn't realise it was a long walk initially, I would have said to drop me and my mum back rather than making my mum walk a mile across a field if she has bad mobility.

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 10:31

Nordicrain · 12/06/2023 10:26

OP isn't to blame for her bad behaviour, but by not speaking up she is condoning it. Even if she didn't realise it was a long walk initially, I would have said to drop me and my mum back rather than making my mum walk a mile across a field if she has bad mobility.

Show quote history

OP isn't condoning it because she has now refused to go out with MIL again.

It's her DH who condoned it by parking where MIL told him to and taking the £4 from her.

Nordicrain · 12/06/2023 10:40

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 10:31

OP isn't condoning it because she has now refused to go out with MIL again.

It's her DH who condoned it by parking where MIL told him to and taking the £4 from her.

Show quote history

Sure, he is condoning it too.

Would I be embarrassed? Absolutely. But would I speak up then and there, yes I would. These situations are avoidable if you refuse to take part in the nonsense there and then.

And yes, too right she won't go with her again.

Catspyjamas17 · 12/06/2023 10:59

I would insist on behalf of my mum that we get dropped off near the door even if DH then goes and parks somewhere else, and hand a tip directly to waiting staff in future when with MIL and tell her politely to shut up if she disagreed. Some elderly relatives are of the "mustn't grumble" generation and although their acceptance and lack of assertiveness for their own needs can be infuriating, I'm afraid you do need to advocate for them against bigger personalities.

HarLace1 · 12/06/2023 14:12

Your poor mum! Don't invite her out again, being a tight fisted arse is a horrible trait!

HideousKinky · 12/06/2023 14:29

A friend tried to do this to me once when I had paid for lunch for us (including her 2 kids) in a cafe - I left a tip which she declared loudly was unnecessary and tried to give it back to me. I had to insist very firmly she must leave it where it was

Passionfruitroulade · 12/06/2023 16:00

Intriguing op

Very feisty on this thread

in RL though, not so much!

ellyeth · 12/06/2023 16:05

It sounds like someone - preferably your husband - needs to be very firm with her.

£2 for parking anywhere in London - and even in parts of Essex - would be considered a real bargain.

I would have firmly pointed out that my Mum would find it difficult to walk that distance and just ignored your mother in law's protests.

I would also have told her that I had paid for the refreshments, and it was up to me as as to whether a tip should be left or not.

ellyeth · 12/06/2023 16:12

If the OP and her husband threatens not to take her anywhere again, that will affect them more than her. They might want to go out for tea/dinner, etc. It might be a idea to speak to her beforehand and tell her that her input is not needed regarding parking charges, tips or any other expenditure that the OP and her husband choose to make. Maybe if it is stated that it is very bad form to behave in such a way and embarrass the host, she will get the message.

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