To ask how to get over inheritance resentment?

[catslovelife]

I know this is a very sticky subject on this board.

I really try and don't want to care, but all around me there are people who are inheriting large sums of money through inheritance, allowing them to live comfortably and do things that people who never inherit would never be able to do.

A lot of these people have inherited by default from aunts or uncles who don't have children, rather than through their parents. Sometimes from people they didn't even bother with when they were alive, so it seems crass they are profiting from their death.

I will likely never inherit a dime, and I have made my peace with that, it's only money at the end of the day and we can't take it with us. We will all end up in the morgue no matter how much is in our bank accounts. It is better to have your loved ones living than dead to give you an inheritance. But lots of my peers are relying on inheritance to fund their retirement / pay off their homes which puts a bit of panic in me as I will be funding this myself somehow. I sometimes think I would rather die before retirement as I don't think I'll be able to fund it.

I think inheritance creates a very unequal society as poor people will likely have nothing to leave, making the gap between rich and poor even wider.

Focus on the things you do have: health (hopefully); you are alive; you are in a nice marriage, have nice friends.

ultimately, the things that matter don’t cost a penny. I have two close friends who are suddenly incapacitated; they have become disabled overnight. Makes you realise that your mind, health and life are worth billions, are beyond value.

I once went to a billionaire’s house. They Had all this original art - Picasso’s, classical artists. Even an Ancient Greek bust. But it seemed so odd to see them in a domestic setting. I go to museums where the art is beautifully displayed. They had a cinema room and gym. I have all these things too - although I share them with the rest of the public and am happy to do so because I love people watching and feeling part of a community.

And the billionaire was so odd. Having so much money distances you from others. I know that you don’t want this level of wealth OP and we could all do with a little more to make our lives that bit smoother, but it is what it is.

OP, perhaps you should ingratiate yourself with these rich friends and who knows they might leave you something in their will.

Most of my friends have had help from the Bank of Mum & Dad. Then inheritance from their parents / relatives. And they’re still not happy…

You cannot rely on anyone else! You have to do it for yourself. When only the very rich had property, most people got £0 from their parents. Most people were dead before 70 years old. House buying and private pensions is a relatively modern thing for ordinary people. Most, going back a couple of generations were poor and owned nothing. So house ownership makes a difference. I know some people got a council house and kept paying rent. Others took the gamble and bought property with the expense of maintaining it. How people felt about property was the main thing that gave modern day wealth. Or starting a successful company.

So OP: women are doing it for themselves! Time to start!

You need to get past it I am afraid. Some people have rich relatives and some don't. I didn't so I got what was in my mums bank account when she died. She didn't own her own home. Thankfully I have a great job and pension so I don't need a windfall.

Having said that those who live their lives in the expectation that they'll inherit a large sum may end up disappointed because (a) the family member might live well into their 90s and so it's a long old wait or (b) need full time care which is ludicrously expensive. Better to be able to fund yourself in my book.

You have no idea how much an inheritance can help.
We inherited <£100k a couple of years ago.
It enabled us to give £25k to DD that she put towards a house deposit, it also enabled DH to give up a well paid stressful career involving 12 hour days and nights that he’d grown to hate - he took almost a year off and paid £10k to retrain so he could go self employed. He’s been working for himself for the last 8 months and is a different person. He now works around 25-30 hours a week, drives around in his little van to peoples’ homes, services/repairs their boilers and gets given a cup of tea for his trouble.
That money transformed our lives and DD’s, we’ve still got £30k squirelled away and that security is lovely, we’d never had much in the way of savings before.
So in my eyes YABVVU

Anyone who suggests that anyone who fails to make themselves wealthy has somehow failed personally is wrong and pretty naive . And usually very privileged and unable to recognise that privilege

It's not your fault
Life is unfair however and we need to make the best of it
Whilst trying to change the world to make it better also , which means identifying things like inheritance which propagate none merit based inequality

But Borg - you benefitted but wouldn't it be better if we had a society where no one had to rely on that money to have a decent job and a home ? Why should only those with inherited wealth have that luck ?

Erm, you have actually proven my point.

Approximately 70% of wealthy families lose their wealth by the next generation, with 90% losing it the generation after that. The significant majority of those who have wealth today earned it. However it’s not popular to actually look at the data, as there is a lot of desire like you OP have demonstrated to sit in resentment, and a lot of politicians can capitalise upon this resentment as a vote winner. This it perpetuates.

I’d personally like to see a better social safety net, but that would require ransacking the coffers of everyone more, including you OP. Even if you ransacked the wealth of the entire 1% (or even 10% for that matter), you may be able to fund a portion of some social programs, but not all of them and not comprehensively. Suddenly people get a lot less socialist when it involves their own hard earned money.

Furthermore if you were to ransack all inheritance at 100% the very wealthy would suddenly feel like emigrating to countries like Australia or New Zealand where inheritance tax sits at 0%. The world has never been fair. Some people are born more intelligent than others, better looking, taller, better genetic health. No political theory or philosophy currently exists to level the playing field.

That's exactly what the OP is saying, surely. You've had an inheritance, which has been a massive help. I too have friends who have had large inheritances recently and been able to retire early from jobs they hate and/or set up their own businesses.

I would personally be willing to pay more tax for a fairer and more equitable social system in the areas of health and educational opportunities, in particular.

I don't think anyone is disputing that receiving a large inheritance makes a huge difference in life. However, it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled life without a huge windfall. I mean, if my parents leave me lots of money and live into their 90s I'll be well into my 70s, so a bit of a joke really. And I don't think they're going to have anything much to leave, if anything.

Life isn’t fair and there is a lot of luck involved.
Do you think that all inherited wealth should be taxed out of existence? Would it make society any fairer?

To me, it’s more unfair that someone’s hard earned assets go into the pockets of care home owners. There is one round here with a few homes and he drives around in a Bentley, whilst paying his staff minimum wage.

Of course it's not fair that care workers receive a shockingly low wage.

But care does have to be paid for, the state can't fund everyone and everything.

I can only assume the people having a go are people who have benefitted from large sums of inheritance.

It’s probably a very emotive topic for them.
As the only surviving child of well-off parents I stand to inherit a fairly large sum one day. I feel very conflicted about it. My parents both grew up in poverty and worked incredibly hard for many years, because they wanted me to experience the financial security they never had.

Whilst I realise that this makes me privileged, I don't exactly feel 'lucky' when I think about the inevitable loss of my parents. Having no siblings to share the responsibility of caring for them in their old age, then sorting out their estate and funeral arrangements whilst dealing with my own grief is a grim and lonely prospect. Whilst a windfall will make life easier in the long run, of course, I imagine it will come with a lot of guilt and sadness as I feel deeply uncomfortable with the idea of profiting from their death. Sure, I could give the whole lot to charity I suppose. But that wouldn't assuage my guilt as I know they would want me to have the money and I would be ignoring their wishes.

I have no intention of "having a go" at you but I can see why your OP has upset people. The thought of friends and acquaintances secretly "resenting" me, as you say, during what will no doubt be one of the darkest times of my life is a hard pill to swallow.

Yes, and it is very appropriate that at the stage care is needed, that your assets are used to pay for it. By that late stage you probably can't enjoy the fruits of those assets anyway, so need to fund newer needs.

I'd personally rather have my loved ones alive, but that's just me.
You can't live your life resenting what others have, because there are people who have been given everything who still manage to be miserable and ungrateful, and then there are people who have had many uphill struggles and no handouts who still manage to be happy and grateful for what they've got. It is possible.

It does entrench inequality yes, and perpetuates unfairness, but what's the alternative? 100% inheritance tax? Would that even help the people who don't stand a chance of getting an inheritance? As unfair as it can be, the ability to leave an inheritance to their children is a big incentive to generate wealth in the first place. Or not really wealth, it's a big incentive to just work and make the sacrifices that are needed in order to own a property. And if normal people no longer have the ability to own property, who does? I don't think mass social housing would be the replacement, unfortunately, it's more likely that property ownership would be limited to a small number of mega rich landlord. I don't think that's desirable. Inheritance tax may well need increasing, but we can't eliminate inheritances although.

I'm totally with you OP and it really highlights the inequality in our society. So many "successful" people who have just had someone else pay for their lives.

It bothered me a lot when I was younger. I was sitting there in uni classes, exhausted from working two jobs in addition to uni, living in shitty shared housing, and I had to perform as well as the content, well-rested students sitting next to me who had all their needs provided for and only had to think about their courses, since Mum and Dad took care of the rest. The fact is that I, and people like me, started out adult life at a huge disadvantage.

A lot of those same people are probably inheriting now but for some reason it bothers me a lot less. Probably because I'm okay financially and pretty much enjoy my life, so who cares?

No I don't find that being able to save towards giving my children a large inheritance does anything to motivate me to create personal wealth

Yes large tax of inheritance could be used ( in fairer societies, not under the individualistic tories ) to help - for example fully funded degree course would have helped a PP

I don't know anyone apart from my dh who has got an inheritance and his was 20k. All my contemporaries parents are still alive and to my knowledge not all will inherit anything.

I’m not even going to call this a stealth brag, this is a straight up brag 🤣

Talk about shoe-horning in your smug self-righteousness.

It’s a very interesting subject. If you look at it another way lots of people who are relying on said inheritance might come a cropper if parents have to go into care homes. Very expensive. Rule of thumb for retirement work out how much you can live off between 60-80 and after 80 your activities lower. Look after yourself and I agree things aren’t always fair just make sure you’re comfortable for your own retirement.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Then I tip my hat to you. It is THIS attitude that makes a fairer society. Sadly it is quite uncommon.