To ask how to get over inheritance resentment?

[catslovelife]

I know this is a very sticky subject on this board.

I really try and don't want to care, but all around me there are people who are inheriting large sums of money through inheritance, allowing them to live comfortably and do things that people who never inherit would never be able to do.

A lot of these people have inherited by default from aunts or uncles who don't have children, rather than through their parents. Sometimes from people they didn't even bother with when they were alive, so it seems crass they are profiting from their death.

I will likely never inherit a dime, and I have made my peace with that, it's only money at the end of the day and we can't take it with us. We will all end up in the morgue no matter how much is in our bank accounts. It is better to have your loved ones living than dead to give you an inheritance. But lots of my peers are relying on inheritance to fund their retirement / pay off their homes which puts a bit of panic in me as I will be funding this myself somehow. I sometimes think I would rather die before retirement as I don't think I'll be able to fund it.

I think inheritance creates a very unequal society as poor people will likely have nothing to leave, making the gap between rich and poor even wider.

Or for a lower asset threshold before elderly people get the state to fund their care. That would make it fairer IMO.

When I first opened your post I pressumed either your parents had decided to spend 'your' inheritance, so there's none....or that it had been allocated in a way you felt unfair. Now I find you're actually angry because there's NO inheritance.
Whilst I do understand your thoughts and agree with them, this is an example of inequity most of us are able to 'accept' or at least not feel the need to share views on social media.
Most people would like a fairer society. Some are quite narrow and almost insular in their out look. You sound like you looking at inequity in your social circle. Others look further afield and consider this when eg voting in general elections. Others take a more world view.
Personally I feel inequity of Health is the biggest inequality but on a day to day basis most of us don't consider the people dying of curable diseases or forced to live unhealthy lifestyles significantly reducing the length and quality of their life.
There's a whole generation of people with a collective rage towards Boomers living in their 4 bed homes retired at 55. Whilst others balance daycare (both working), mortgages etc.
However short or long your rage I'd concentrate on things you can do something about.

I sympathise OP, and I’m someone who has been fortunate to inherit from two relatives.

I agree that in some cases it can contribute to wealth clustering in small pockets of society, though in comparison to tax and wage inequality it is possibly not the biggest culprit.

I’m enormously grateful for every penny I have received. I didn’t earn it, wasn’t entitled to it. But neither of my relatives were wealthy, both lived prudently and were careful with their money (on which they paid tax) and it was their wish that their family inherit their estate after death.

Incidentally they left charitable gifts in their wills, and I have given away a portion of my inheritance as I felt that would have made them happy. While I know I am privileged to be in this position, I have also lost two people that I loved very much and miss every day.

We will likely inherit a small sum from my parents and DH's parents. As we are multiple sibling families with parents who had manual jobs it will be shared between 3 and 4 respectively. All our parents received nothing from their parents by way of inheritance. Most of our parents are still very much alive and we're in our late 50s. We have built our pensions and paid off the mortgage without a penny in gifts or loans. My dad's greatest gift to me was to advise I pay into a pension as soon as I started work and overpay the mortgage by even a tiny amount if we could.

Our DC may well receive a not inconsiderable sum but it's taken generations for them to get it and a much smaller number of siblings for it to be shared between. (2 & 1 children).

You may not get an inheritance but you shouldn't expect it, and should expect to fund your own mortgage and pension with that in mind. Maybe then your DC will benefit from an inheritance.

I am leaving everything to a young relative I really like. The thought of how comfortable they will be when I pass away makes me feel so happy because their parents struggle financially.

I wont be inheriting anything, neither will DH. As others have said move on.

I obviously didn't mean 20 something year old as they aren't a previous generation! I meant boomers and generation X, and maybe the pre war generation. I bought my first house in the 90s and certainly did not have to scrimp and save for years to get a deposit.

That's such a lovely thing to do. It will make an enormous difference to their life.

Fair enough if you're jealous, I would be too. But how is it different to any other unfair equalities? Some people have rich parents, some people win the lottery. I think you need some perspective

In any situation where "luck" plays a part there will always be unfairness. It's just part of life. I've been lucky in some ways and unlucky in others.

I've received 3 significant inheritances from elderly relatives (parents, childless aunt, childless uncle) in recent years. It's likely I'll inherit from 2 others in the future, unless care costs become significant. I know this is probably unusual and that I've been fortunate.

DH and I have never and will never inherit anything. We’ve always known that so we’ve planned our careers and finances accordingly. Sure, other people inherit but so what? That’s them, not me. The people I know who have inherited sizeable amounts have lost parents at an early age (before any care costs etc) and would all say they would rather have their relative alive than have the money. And no, I do not agree with higher rates of inheritance tax. My step children will inherit from us but we have already paid massive amounts of tax on the money we’ve earned.

I'm late Gen X, we bought our first extremely humble home in the mid-90s, and it was hard work to get there. We literally started with nothing and had to work for every cent. It was probably quite an embarassing home for quality, but it was ours and it was a very happy home. We knew we would never buy a home in our city of origin so we moved to another city where homes were cheaper.

You were talking about millennials needing an inheritance to buy a house. I know millennials who have achieved their first home with no help with deposits and the like. Of course it's not easy, and I do think it's harder, but possible.

One thing to remember is that one in five women born in the 70’s will have no children. So, the number of people leaving inheritances to people who aren’t their children will increase, if it’s not spent on care in later life. I am not leaving my estate to distant cousins who I don’t even have a current address for, so it’s going to my friends children and a smaller amount to my friends, who have embraced me into their families because I don’t have anyone. My instructions are that for those under 50, the money is to be used appropriately, whilst over 50’s (my friends) are to use it inappropriately 😁

I agree health is the most important thing, but even that is easier if you are wealthy...if you have money you can afford to go private, if you don't you have to rely on the NHS and wait months/years for procedures.

Love it :-)

I'm confused as to whether you think she should disinherit him because he's made himself invaluable to her because of her wealth, or that she made a good choice to disinherit all the other relatives who haven't bothered her. You say you'd disinherit niblings who you weren't close to, but seem to be criticising her for doing the same? Would you happier if she disinherited everyone and left it to the dogs home? If her fortune goes to your Dad, who you don't seem to have a high option of, I assume you'll be refusing anything that he subsequently leaves to you?

Wealth can buy some perks, for sure. I guess the perk of them going private is it does take some pressure off the public lists. In an ideal world we'd all have an equal shot at everything but that's not reality, so we practice contentment and make the most of what we do have.

I think it’s just one of those things that people have very little control over and can seem very unbalanced but that’s not going to change. People can leave whatever they want to whoever they want.

I don’t have any hugely wealthy relatives so don’t expect any great inheritance. Maybe a bit when my dp pass away but certainly not enough to fund retirement etc.

I can’t be jealous or resentful of people having gained through someone dying, that’s such a dark place to be. You really need to find a way to let go of these feelings, it’s not healthy to be weighed down by these sorts of feelings.

You have to make the best of what life throws at you.

Don’t get eaten up by bitterness, just look at Princes Harry and William. Harry is rich by anyone’s standards but he is obviously bitter at being the “spare”.

I get it OP.

I don’t think it’s wrong or unreasonable to feel some level of envy towards people who are given a benefit you yourself won’t ever receive.

its not saying “no one should get an inheritance” - it’s purely just recognising that some people are fortunate to get financial assistance through sizeable inheritances where others don’t have that same experience and that does create a level of disparity especially in later life when older relatives start to pass away. That’s all. It’s totally understandable surely?

Obvs most of us would rather have our relatives here than the money but it’s possible to take the emotion out and just look at the financial benefit of an inheritance without the sentimental guilting.

I think you need to be mad at your own shortcomings here, OP.

If you wish to be wealthy and haven’t been able to achieve it through your own hard work or luck, that’s on you.

You need to learn to paddle your own canoe.

Generally speaking it’s about 1-2 years from the point of care being needed until death (from being a carer and a lot of involvement with nursing homes).

Say £750 a week £39k/yr for a care home place. If someone has a pension giving them about 20k a year, plus attendance allowance for care/mobility giving them £5291 (usual for care home resident). You’re looking at a deficit of about 14k, plus other costs which are minimal (clothing, hair cuts etc). They don’t spend a lot really; no point for clothes, they get wrecked.

So you might be looking at a 30k loss in inheritance over a two year period…. Which isn’t much if you are inheriting a house + cash. Also, bear in mind, most will have pension a bit over 20k, and the individual can usually be temporary resident for about a year, which means their house isn’t taken into account.

Many also sign over house much earlier or set up a limited company to avoid..

The only people who tend to be disproportionately affected are those with state pension only, who haven’t understood the system. But they don’t tend to have a lot to pass on anyway.

I will likely never inherit a dime, and I have made my peace with that,
You obviously haven’t though, have you. Comparison is the thief of joy etc.
My parent inherited absolutely nothing, yet still made a good life for themselves.

Even if we abolished inheritance tomorrow, it won't make the world a fairer place. All that will happen is that the rich will give their children money much earlier or in different ways, more money will leave the country as people enjoy more foreign holidays (as why should the government get hold of my hard earned cash?) and some people will work less as what's the point of working more if the kids will see no benefit from it?

Do you really think it's that easy?

Maybe take a look at the average wage these days versus the average rent cost and typical mortgage payments.

Even if you earn a good wage over £35k or so, you won't have much left over if you are paying rent, bills etc by yourself, let alone able to afford a deposit.