Elderly needy parents + young needy kids - arghhh!!

[PlumPudd]

What do we owe to our parents / what responsibility do we have to them and what do they in return owe / have a responsibility towards us and our little kids?

I expect this is a common issue in my age group (mid 30’s). I’ve got little kids, who I love more than life itself, but who need most of my and my partners time / care / worry and attention. I also have a job, a partner, a mortgage, health worries, friends who I’d sometimes like to see, the need to occasionally have five minutes to myself to read a book etc.

However at the same time I’m raising my tiny kids my parents have been switching from relatively independent adults, to querulous, feeble (their words) old folks who want me to show them how to use the internet and book appointment for them, spend endless hours listening to their fears and grumbles about each other, their health, politics, media bias, how awful young people are today, how expensive their heating bill is (not as bloody expensive as mine) etc. and seem to feel that their time to look after has ended and their time to be looked after has begun and that it’s my responsibility to do this.

All this at a time when I’d really value still getting a bit of support and a listening ear from them as I look after a baby and a toddler, struggle to afford life, balance work, manage my own health etc. I know they got this support from their (admittedly slightly younger) parents, my grandparents, and that in theory they’d like to give it to me, but they seem unable / unwilling to.

In principle I agree that your parents should look after you and you should in turn look after your parents when they get old. But what are we all supposed to do when (because everyone is having kids later and living longer) our parents get old, grumpy and in need at the same time that we ourselves need their support in the difficult years with very young kids, or don’t have the time and energy to look after them and our kids together?!?!?

Not really looking for an answer to this (hypothetical) question, just offloading…

I hear you and sympathise. MIL is immobile so we pick her up, she comes and stays, dominates the telly and occasionally we push her round the park. She enjoys the break and isn’t too demanding. My DF is younger end of his 80s and still playing golf but phone calls drive me mad. He transmits at me about politics (yes I agree but I’ve heard it 101 times) and my DBS family (no issues but he does like a drama) and other random dramas. And we take him on holiday roughly once a year. Neither were in a position to help when kids were younger.

we are ok but it’s full on (and my kids are older teens).

good luck.

Wait until you have 2x pre-teens and the parents are even older, it ain't fun!

I am a big believer in supporting your family but only if that has been a reciprocal relationship. As many say on here, your parents don't owe you childcare and the reverse is true, you don't owe your parents care.

The world has moved on and generations are now expected to work full time, raise children and look after elderly parents. It just isn't sustainable.

I don't suppose your parents are older than mid 70s and they could be quite a lot younger, so this is a boundaries one really. Easier said than done, of course. But why do they think you should book appointments for them, for example? What's the justification?

I'm not sure you're actually helping when you do things for people who can't be older than very early 70s (unless they had you very late). IME they age at the speed they allow. My 80s parents zip about (health issues and everything) because they choose to. They very slowly learn new things.

They certainly book their own appointments! They have the time, I don't.

As for the listening to interminable grumbles, don't. I have time I always talk to them every week but I don't have time to chat every time they want to moan. It helps that as a child if I moaned I was told to go and play in the traffic!

I agree, I think some of the things OP describes are actually being kind to be cruel.

I have this so watching with interest!

I'm elderly. I don't grumble to my children. I have to use a walking frame, I shop on-line. I'm pleased to see my children and grandchildren when they visit, I'm capable of using emails, texting and Skype. I have a landline and a pay-as-you-go mobile,

Will you be my mother please? @eddiemairswife

If your parents can pick up the phone to moan at you, they can pick up the phone to make their own appointments.

I do things for my mum eg sometimes I order things online for her from Amazon because I have an account and she hasn't; and I have written emails to her GP practice to get them to do things which they should have done but hadn't.

My mum is 84 and still very independent. But she has a neighbour who thinks her adult children should do everything for her. She is lucky that both of them married richer partners and neither have to work for a living so have time!

How old are your parents that they feel unable to do these things for themselves? With young children, you are not going to have a lot of spare time for things they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.

My MIL is in her 80s and has learned the internet to some extent. She can place her Sainsburys order. Sometimes gets in a bit of difficulty with it. But DH can log into her account from his phone and sort it for her.

If they want to learn to use the internet then there are courses for older people.

Invest a bit of time now so that you know that they can definitely do some of these things that are irritating you.

I need a certain app to book at my hairdresser and optician. If theirs is the same make sure that they have it and know how to find it.

set up an account with Tesco or whoever they refer to shop with. Teach them how to use it

when they ring to grumble tell them it’s lovely to hear from them but you only have 5/10/15 minutes free before you need to go to…/have tea/meet your friend etc and stick to it rigidly.

start carving some time for yourself but do make time to enjoy your parents too, it’s easy to say but you really do miss them when they’re gone xx

@MrsTerryPratchett They are in their mid- late 70’s, but the pandemic (when they both had to socially isolate because one of them was clinically vulnerable) made them both mentally age about 15 years and loose a lot of confidence in their own abilities and made them both feel more scared and vulnerable. Fair enough I suppose.

I sometimes get them to learn things themselves, but sometimes just cave in because the alternative is gruelling and can feel cruel and / or they just give up. It took me 45 minutes on the phone while bouncing a baby to sleep to explain to her how to log out of her account for something and log into mine. And the 45 minutes included her narrating entire pages of the internet to me despite me repeatedly reminding her that I couldn’t see the page she was on so her telling me the names of random icons would not help, her berating herself for being hopeless and almost crying, her insisting that she write down every step I was telling her to do in a notebook because if she forgot it she would never be able to log back into her account again, and me explaining that I could not give her step by step instructions because I couldn’t remember every click and page in my head oddly enough. eventually I just set her up a trial of the thing she wanted to access from my account.

I listen to some of their grumbles because they come up in every conversation, and the alternative would be to not speak to them. A typical conversation might go something like this:

Me: “What have you been up to today then?”
Dad: “I read the news online, did you see that thing about grooming gangs?”
Me: (I did see it but do not want to talk about this topic again) “No I don’t really have much time to read the news these days, the baby is teething and…
Dad: (interrupting) “Well it wasn’t properly reported as usual, the BBC - biased as usual - only said that.”
Me: (interrupting) “Dad I don’t really want to hear about it to be honest, it’s a bit upsetting isn’t it.”
Dad: “Don’t you care about what’s happening in your country?”
Me: “Yes I do care, but I rang up to hear about you not to talk about the news. Have you been out in the garden today?”
Him: “Hrmm, well I was telling you about it because you said you didn’t have time to read it. Not that you’d find out much about it from the BBC, they never report these stories”
Me: (getting annoyed) “but Didn’t you say you’d read about it on the BBC? so if the BBC aren’t reporting it, how did you read … anyway never mind that, I don’t want to talk about it. How’s the garden doing, I can’t wait to bring baby up to see it. Do you know what baby did today, it was very sweet…”
Dad: (interrupting) “It’s looking lovely, but my shoulder is still hurting me so I can’t do the pruning at the right time. It’s very painful, I’m quite old now you know - everything is aching. I’m an old man, I wish I was young and healthy like you!”
Me: “Yes dad, it’s tough. Though I did just give birth four weeks ago so I’m not feeling particularly healthy myself right now. How is your shoulder, did you ask the doctor about your blood medicine?”
Him: “No I don’t want to dwell on negative things.”
Me: (resists urge to point out that everything he has brought up is negative) “Well you probably should ask him about it, it might help. When is your next appointment?”
Him: “What do you think about Prince Harry?”
Me: “I don’t really have an opinion on him dad, I don’t know him. Would you like to hear about the baby?”
Dad: “Well you may not know him but your taxes are paying for his lifestyle. Don’t you care about things like this, you used to be interested in politics?”
Me: “I am, but I rang to talk to you, not to hear about politics - if this even is politics.”

etc etc etc…

How old are they? I’m older than you and my parents are mid seventies - they’re still travelling long haul internationally and working part time, they’d look at me askance at the suggestion I help them book an appointment! I’d be applying some tough love - I’ll bend over backwards for my parents when they actually need me, but I wouldn’t be providing some kind of life concierge service just because they feel done with adulting.

As an aside I’m really tired of hearing about older adults who can’t do basic things on the internet, use a cash machine, operate a credit card or navigate a mobile phone as though this is the 1990s and these are new fangled ideas that they’re too aged now to get their head around. Those things have been around for decades so unless someone has disabilities I really can’t understand how they need help/showing how to access the internet.

Tbf both sides of that conversation is a bit dull OP. I wouldn't want to hear about stuff going on in the world, or what a baby did.

We owe our parents fuck all. They had sex and we were the result. Thats it. Give what you want, if you want and tell them to sort the rest themselves

You wouldn’t want to hear about your grandchild?

It’s really, really tough OP.

Because IME not only do they not get how much has changed since they had young kids - no more grandma and great grandma living up the road and on hand to babysit (well it’s very rare) they forget how tough it is at the same time, and how the concept of the one-worker family is long gone.

Im wondering how much longer I have to tolerate my mother prattling on about the health issues of people I’ve never even met.

And my MIL always says about me working FT that she didn’t work again until her youngest was a good year into school. Well that’s all very well Sharon but I quite like paying the rent and feeding myself so I’m afraid that option isn’t open to me.

I think there must be a fine balance between tolerating too much and being supportive - I think you have to decide where you line is, and draw it!

Pre-teens require nowhere near the same amount of work that babies and toddlers require.

All of this.

We are spread too thinly as it is. My mum got bored of parenting relatively early on. No support with grandchildren. If she starts bring more demanding as she ages lm going to say lm tired / lm busy / l can’t be bothered / you need to learn to be more independent. That’s what she said to me when l was younger 🙄

@gamerchick if that’s literally all that your parents did and didn’t contribute any more to bringing you up or supporting you in any way then I can understand your point of view but many parents do much more than that and their dc then ought to support them back as they get older imo. This will not be the same for everyone and I understand that not everyone was fortunate to have the type of upbringing that I did.

I’m definitely very pleased that I did what I could to support my parents while they were still alive. I know that my db wishes he had done more and seen them more while he had the chance.

We are called the Sandwich Generation.

OOh I have never heard that before!

I think if you’re inclined to a bit of a grumble, then old age really brings it out of you, and also being socially isolated doesn’t help as they end up focussing in on themselves.
My parents are late 70s but with a big social life, travel etc but my DH’s parents are a tiny bit older and if you give his dad a chance to complain, he will! Luckily his mum is hugely cheerful and non complaining but I know exactly what you mean about the pandemic aging them. With my parents it’s sent them the other way and they were pissed off that covid “stole” two good years of healthy retirement. They’re now out all the time.
My in laws OTOH have got much smaller - they recently went on “holiday” about 40 minutes from where they live and FIL would happily potter about at home all the time. Equally, he’s lost his best friend and his brother in the last year and yet he soldiers on anyway.
Old age is hard!

This made me laugh OP (sorry). Simply because it reminds me so much of my grandparents (and parents a bit too). Cutting me off mid sentence, don't know how to work a phone, obsessed with the news, complaining about their health but won't go to the doctor's etc. I have to laugh about it otherwise it drives me insane! !

Having teens is time consuming in it's own way. Most evenings are busy with different actvities, ferrying them around, feeding them at appropriate times, helping them with homework if needed, and they go to bed later and would like to spend time with us which is also important for their wellbeing. It's usually around 9.30pm/10pm our evenings are free, whereas when they were younger they had very little to do in the evenings and in bed by 8.