Elderly needy parents + young needy kids - arghhh!!

[PlumPudd]

What do we owe to our parents / what responsibility do we have to them and what do they in return owe / have a responsibility towards us and our little kids?

I expect this is a common issue in my age group (mid 30’s). I’ve got little kids, who I love more than life itself, but who need most of my and my partners time / care / worry and attention. I also have a job, a partner, a mortgage, health worries, friends who I’d sometimes like to see, the need to occasionally have five minutes to myself to read a book etc.

However at the same time I’m raising my tiny kids my parents have been switching from relatively independent adults, to querulous, feeble (their words) old folks who want me to show them how to use the internet and book appointment for them, spend endless hours listening to their fears and grumbles about each other, their health, politics, media bias, how awful young people are today, how expensive their heating bill is (not as bloody expensive as mine) etc. and seem to feel that their time to look after has ended and their time to be looked after has begun and that it’s my responsibility to do this.

All this at a time when I’d really value still getting a bit of support and a listening ear from them as I look after a baby and a toddler, struggle to afford life, balance work, manage my own health etc. I know they got this support from their (admittedly slightly younger) parents, my grandparents, and that in theory they’d like to give it to me, but they seem unable / unwilling to.

In principle I agree that your parents should look after you and you should in turn look after your parents when they get old. But what are we all supposed to do when (because everyone is having kids later and living longer) our parents get old, grumpy and in need at the same time that we ourselves need their support in the difficult years with very young kids, or don’t have the time and energy to look after them and our kids together?!?!?

Not really looking for an answer to this (hypothetical) question, just offloading…

Yes true,. Although we don't drive them around, we cycle with them which takes a bit longer, preteen, so should able to go about on thier own soon. But yes, they can be left alone for periods.

My parents did no childcare for us at all. But expect a lot of us, my dad is really frail and needs constant care. They have no interest in us at all, only engaging superficially so I'm not inclined to go out of my way to help them.

My DF in his 80s and super independent and proud really, really tried to learn IT skills through one of these courses. It broke his heart that he just couldn't get his head around it all or use a smartphone due to arthritis in his fingers and broke my heart with pride that he tried so hard to learn and maintain his independence. It's shameful that old people are being excluded like this.

There’s another very similar thread running at the moment.Of course you’re children come first, but surely if your parents gave you a good childhood and you love them you try and help even if they irritate you sometimes! As someone said earlier in the thread, you just don’t pick up stuff when you’re older. IT becomes a real challenge especially when many websites and online payment methods seem designed by 15 year olds specifically to baffle anyone over 60.

I taught full time with teenaged children at home but I visited my very elderly and lonely dad most days after work because I loved him and he’d been a great father. There was no one else to go round as he and my mother had been a very tight unit. Yes that was a mistake but he wasn’t going to start a social life at 80+.

That is unlucky in timing. My DD had her children when she was late twenties and myself and my husband are early 60s so we can help. At the same time though I am helping my mum late 80s so we are the sandwich generation in my family. Nothing you can do really if your parents are as incapable as you say and you had children later in life. Do you have siblings who can help?

It's called the sandwich years when you're "stuck" worrying and caring for both your children and your parents.
Please don't complain about it, some day your parents won't be there. I lost a parent about a few weeks ago and I wish desperately for the "sandwich" back. Px

A little bit of advice on the tech front… you need to get a good screen sharing app which allows you to remote navigate. (I don’t know zoom well enough to know if that’s an option, but there are some others that I’ve used in the past but can’t recall which ones off the top of my head).

The other thing is to set things up as simple as possible. I had to buy my 85 yo dad a new computer. I set it up so that he had all his web pages bookmarked, shoved all extra desktop icons into a folder, bought an all in one with the least amount of peripherals as possible, etc.

I’m really quite impressed with him. He is scam savvy, won’t click on random things when something goes wrong, and will stop and call me if anything goes wrong.

No kids at home, but it can get a bit overwhelming at times. So I can commiserate.

Sympathy OP. I'm older than you and my parents and in laws are all in their 80s now. My parents are in good health but my in laws are really struggling and leaning on DH far more than they needed to a year ago. They are hopeless on the internet too! It's tough.

I suspect most of the people on here saying -

“I / my mum / my uncle / granny was still tango dancing, playing grandtheft auto and running their own tech start up at 102, age is a state of mind, I don’t understand why people like your parents get old and grumble or struggle to learn new things”

• are probably lucky enough to be in fairly good (physical and mental) health and have enough money.

And it’s great that you are, and I’m glad for you but you must admit that health and relative wealth do make being old a lot easier don’t they

Health and wealth do make getting old easier. However, my mum has some health problems and she isn't wealthy, but she doesn't expect me to make appointments for her.

She also ignores anything she thinks might be a scam and rings me to check if she is unsure.

However, I do agree with a pp that it is shameful that everyone expects elderly people to be up with the latest tech and puts barriers in the way such as closing bank branches and refusing to do things over the phone. See also parking apps, I've said it before but I can't see how they comply with the Equality Act.

But there is a difference between asking for help when you need it, and being attention seeking and imposing on your kids.

With my parents it’s sent them the other way and they were pissed off that covid “stole” two good years of healthy retirement. They’re now out all the time

That is my mum's attitude as well. That said, she was out all the time during covid anyway. Her "daily exercise" took all day!

Sympathies, OP. My DM is in her mid 70s and has a bad case of learned helplessness. I can't decide if she thinks it's adorable or if she thinks it will create a sense of duty from me, but it doesn't work.

She also broadcasts at me instead of having conversations and her hearing is going so I can't interrupt as she doesn't hear me. She had a job before having me, went back part time when I was a teen, then gave up and hasn't worked since, so has no real concept of what life as a working parent is; she expects instant availability at times to suit her.

We've gone from raising our DD with no family help, my parents were working full-time, to DD going to uni and straight into caring duties. My FIL needs a lot of help plus we have a five hour round trip every fortnight and my parents who are local struggle with the Internet and booking things online. We both work and I feel like a PA, cleaner etc. We keep muttering isn't this suppose to be our time in our 50's. FIL is not happy as we are off on our family holiday and he won't see us for two weeks, it's very tiring.

Poppasocks.....i moved 150 miles away... pretty much the same reasons. Sometimes you have to make the break to save your sanity x

I feel like my DC are getting more independent and my parents less. As though there is only so much independence to go around, and they are opposite sides of a scale.

Could have written this.

Parents of an age where by they've lost sense of how to use conmon sense to work things out and need suddenly tech help non tech help,and endless groaning on about stuff as well as more health issues.

Two dc tween and adult who are both needy right now with very different types of issues.

It's bloody hard.

Trying to work full time run a business and a house a husband that works opposite hours to me so I don't see him mon to fri plus a poorly family member that's needed a lot of help it's just constant.

I'm more emotional drained and knackered than anything else right now.

We are definitely the sandwich generation

I'm elderly

Do you mean MN elderly or proper elderly? MN elderly is 60+

The term ‘sandwich generation’ has been in use since the 1980s. It is not exclusive to (inevitably women) who are currently caring for their children and parents at the same time. Some of the first sandwiches are now dead.

Depending on age and circumstances (health and death), it can also apply to older folks who are look after their grandchildren as well as their parents. So not exclusive to those with young children.

Agree with every word OP. My parents are nearly 80 and have embraced helplessness and old age. Their friends are more computer-literate than them. My dad has a woe-is-me attitude. They aren’t in perfect health but my dad acts like he is so unlucky, when they are fully mobile etc.

My girls are older teens/leaving home with issues of their own. I feel like exploding and the future looks bleak. I have to see my parents every weekend and it’s such a duty.

They gave us a joyless and unhappy childhood so I owe them nothing.

Ignore anyone saying, you will miss them when they are gone etc 😴. MN is very supportive of leaving shit partners. But shit parents must be pandered to and worshipped, however rubbish they are.

I think there's a point where it switches over and your parents aren't there for you anymore.

You're there for them.

And we have children and full time jobs and the lion's share of the housework plus we're supposed to volunteer in our community and look after the old folk in our family and not retire ourselves until about 70.

It's not how it used to be. My mum went part time so she could help my grandmother's more. And retired at 60.

My grandmothers didn't work full time by the point their mothers needed help.

I blame house prices, the state of our economy, Brexit, inflation, consumerism...

I don't know what's going to happen in the future.

Most of the educated young women I know in the 28-35 bracket don't intend to have children because of it.

A dementia home can be £2000 a week. Who can afford that?

Welcome to The Sandwich Phase™️

It's tricky and ongoing.

This post has really really upset me. My parents, both in their mid 70s, are not ageing at the speed they allow. They have both been horribly hit by physical and cognitive decline. Despite post retirement post grad studies, successful post retirement second careers, staying active, volunteering as part of a community that is important to them.

I look at people ten years older than them and it beaks my heart.

My parents didn’t choose, didn’t allow this to happen to them.

My dmum now needs a lot of help and support. She is early 80s, sight not so good and has some kind of dementia. She struggles with tech (but used to be really good).
There is only me doing the caring. I work full time, have adult children, secondary age kids and a granddaughter.
I put boundaries in place. I don't answer the phone at unsociable hours. If its a tech thing, it has to wait until I can go there.
It's the only way.

My DF is now blind and I can't tell you how much 'technology' has actually hindered his life in a strange way...
slowly going blind during the dawning of age of everything being on a screen has been debilitating for him.
But equally, thank god for audiobooks (which DM puts on for him) and amazon alexa.

All these comments about fit as fiddle parents in their 80s doing daily triathlons and looking “ askance “ at suggestions of help! You do realise that such sneering and crowing doesn’t make them “ right” and others “ wrong “. My parent was very fit at 73 , gym , cycling , reading, internet savvy. Until they weren’t and a pile of illnesses wiped them off their feet in less than a year. Unable to walk, speak or eat. In the space of 9 months they died. So please realise that some people in their older years will experience swift and devastating declines, losing everything they had before: dignity, independence, joy and happiness. It’s really not a case of those old folk needing to try a bit harder to be independent. Dementia can start off with the anxieties, the repetitive discourse on the same topics , the worry about doing new things or even things they used to do .

I'm old, too. Nearly 70.

I shop online.
I bank online.
I know how to convert YouTube videos to mp3 and upload them to a memory stick.
I can use a Smart TV.

I taught myself most of this as I wanted to stay up to date.

I go out three times a week and make all my own appointments.

I cook everything from scratch.

One thing I can't get on with is the air fryer. I used it twice then sent it back to Amazon.

I sell things on ebay, I buy and print labels for dispatching goods.

I have four children and so far, no grandchildren.

I do not understand people of my age who have given up the ability to learn new things.