Elderly needy parents + young needy kids - arghhh!!

[PlumPudd]

What do we owe to our parents / what responsibility do we have to them and what do they in return owe / have a responsibility towards us and our little kids?

I expect this is a common issue in my age group (mid 30’s). I’ve got little kids, who I love more than life itself, but who need most of my and my partners time / care / worry and attention. I also have a job, a partner, a mortgage, health worries, friends who I’d sometimes like to see, the need to occasionally have five minutes to myself to read a book etc.

However at the same time I’m raising my tiny kids my parents have been switching from relatively independent adults, to querulous, feeble (their words) old folks who want me to show them how to use the internet and book appointment for them, spend endless hours listening to their fears and grumbles about each other, their health, politics, media bias, how awful young people are today, how expensive their heating bill is (not as bloody expensive as mine) etc. and seem to feel that their time to look after has ended and their time to be looked after has begun and that it’s my responsibility to do this.

All this at a time when I’d really value still getting a bit of support and a listening ear from them as I look after a baby and a toddler, struggle to afford life, balance work, manage my own health etc. I know they got this support from their (admittedly slightly younger) parents, my grandparents, and that in theory they’d like to give it to me, but they seem unable / unwilling to.

In principle I agree that your parents should look after you and you should in turn look after your parents when they get old. But what are we all supposed to do when (because everyone is having kids later and living longer) our parents get old, grumpy and in need at the same time that we ourselves need their support in the difficult years with very young kids, or don’t have the time and energy to look after them and our kids together?!?!?

Not really looking for an answer to this (hypothetical) question, just offloading…

I get that we're all busy, but we realise now why delaying kids maybe has more repercussions than we initially thought.

^ absolutely. It's a different kettle of fish having well settled adult children when you are caring for elderly parents. But having children when your parents are pushing 80... Definitely a benefit to not waiting until 40 if one can help it.

Then take your head out of your arse. Not everyone has lovely parents who did everything for them. For some people it's a good deal more complicated.

I also speak of experience - not all wish for that
Some of us felt relief in a parents passing, literally nothing but relief

😂😂😂

Must be nice to not have been abused and neglected as a child
Many parents didnt EARN their kids being nice to them in old age.

Sadly it's life. Saying that I had alot more time when my daughter was a baby and toddler...since at school there's no time due to swimming, ballet etc and the spellings and reading....... I'm lucky my parents and in-laws can pick up the phone and make appointments but I've had to sort out in-laws internet whilst dh was cutting their lawn....

That's a different story, hun! The initial post is not about abusing parents, for sure! So maybe go play this card on a different topic or open your own!

*abusive parents

Based on the phone conversation, it sounds like the problem is your parents, not their age. OP, sounds like it's time to lay additional boundaries - and actually enforce them. About your recent birth, tell them how you feel. Get your frustration off your chest and let your parents deal with it for a while.

Just pointing out that we were frustrating and annoying at some point in our lives too. Decades to sort themselves out and learn new things? Mine are in their 80s and struggle big time with technology.

As such ages are expected to be annoying as they were still learning.

I also have family members who are in the same age bracket and older who can and have managed at least with the basics. Setting up an account, logging in, writing emails, using social media etc.. Saying that, many of us annoying and frustrating teenagers did help and show them how before adulthood set in.

Sympathies OP. Its tough.

Your dad doesn't sound elderly. He sounds lonely. Does he have other grumpy old men to complain about the BBC to? He sounds in desperate need of a hobby and company. Any way he can get out for a bit twice a week? E.g. round me, there is a Bowls club that is mostly men in their 70s. It's more about the chatting that the sport! My dad (72) plays cricket 3 days a week and spends another looking after the ground with his retired mates. It's an essential part of his mental health!

Some boundaries needed with your mum. She can't expect you to talk her through a website. Tell her to come over or that you'll sort it for her when you next to to get. Don't get drawn in!

Tiny babies are not all that interesting - Sorry! Of course they are your world. But your dad may not have been around much when you were that small. It's not so that surprising he's not interested. My dad loves spending time with my children, but I don't think he'd be intersted chatting about them over the phone.

It's difficult if this juggling has come earlier than you expected. My parents are still active and in good health. However my MIL (early 60s) is really not and takes up a HUGE amount of time and mental energy. We weren't expecting that just yet! It's hard when different caring needs coincide.

My sister is disabled with complex medical issues so isolated for more like 3 years when she first went out she said it was a different world very confusing and loud people talking everywhere rushing about and nothing the same shops gone, table ordering, different closing times, shortages. I think we don't realise how much has changed because we've been out it must be so hard I paid an old man's parking this weekend he didn't know it was card only now and didn't have a card I wonder what that will do to his confidence going forward wondering if he's going to get stuck in car parks.

But that's what she is saying why be so horrible?

I'm sorry for what happened to you and it's understandable you feel like you do towards your family but surely you don't think the majority of parents are like this so deserving of your venom?

I am mid 70s and there is no way I would put on my child like this. My husband same age is still working. We go on long haul holiday every year whilst we still can. I have a dodgy knee but then some young people have dodgy knees too, you just have to get on with it. I must admit sometimes I get the grandkids to sort out my mobile for me but thats about it. A lot of my friends are late 80s and still getting out and about doing things (most of them are not that fit either) but they are all young in spirit. Old age is a state of mind, if you think you are old then you are old. I think you may be enabling your parents to think old. I am off now to a 90th birthday meal at the pub with 20 of my crafting friends average age 80.

I think it is about acknowledging and accepting that some seasons are for caring, and others will not be. If you fast forward twenty years, your children will be grown and your parents will be gone. You may well look back with fondness to the days when you were the centre of so many worlds - especially when you are staring at the emptiness of maybe not being centre of things ever again.

I lost my mum very quickly recently. My kids are just about grown and their time is taken up with study, work and friends. I have work, and my dad to care for, as well as my husband, but life is otherwise quite different to the busyness of juggling the last couple of decades of a fast paced career, a family and a close relationship with my Mum. While I appreciated it at the time, like you, I wished for just a little breathing space.

This season will pass and maybe try to enjoy the positives of being at the centre of a demanding family. I'm not suggesting you are ungrateful or unreasonable - but maybe a different perspective would allow you to get more out of this time.

I think you do what you can. Our mam has to be driven to these clubs so not always practical to say join this that. I have my own family too. They def get needy. Takes its toll when you have years of it. 80s.

Lol. Couldn't give a fuck if they die or not. Not everyone does 🙄

And what if they aren't so open in telling you? Have you sat down with your parents and had that chat yet? If not why not?

And if you're children do the same to you and don't tell you then how will you know.

OP my father (now deceased) was just like yours, negative negative negative. It drove me mad. My mother (long divorced from my father so not influenced by his behaviour) is certainly heading this way. And she tells me the same things every time I see her, like the schadenfreuder type videos she watches on YouTube which I have no interest in at all (i think laughing at others misfortune is quite sad). I’m dreading becoming like them!

Gingernan, yes!!! My DM had bowel cancer, she was 64 when she died I was in my 30s,with a 6 and 11 year old (oldest 16 living in job in stable) I didn't have my children "old" ,I was 19 when I had the first.my DM came to live with me post surgery,I collected DD from stable 30 miles away every Friday,ran her back Sundays,worked full time. She was my best friend (saved my life in a fire at 6) I looked after 5 GKs while working FT nights. Ended up in the same situation,with F, young child second marriage. This DD (maternity leave) was a software expert and management of large store, got really irritated if I asked for help with phone/pc said she had told me a million times before. I worked on a specialist Hyperacute ward, invited her and her brother who also complained to come to work with me and operate My equipment. I still have my DKs to stay,did the sports day pick up recently,as she had hospital appointment. I still have a disabled son 60 miles round trip. Hopefully we will all carry on mucking in for eachother. My DD inspite of all her skills, managed to mess up the PC oldest DS, he was a computer whizz at 3, he's 45 now, came over took him 5 hours to sort out and he found 52 viruses, not too dangerous and inspite of all the malware,scans,antispyware.

I'm in the GP surgery and a poor receptionist seems to be doing tech support for an older person applying for a blue badge.

There really should be in person options for the over 75s I think.

I just think you require what you sow. Both of my parents are mid 70s, they are in good health but are slowing down. Dad is good with tech , mum knows nothing.
When /if the time comes they need help I wouldn't think twice about it for my mum. She is a lovely caring person. She cared for her own parents as an only child, now cares for her MIL and up until recently and elderly cousin. She is a rock to me and adores her grandkids and I know she would always help me.
My dad is selfish, has never done anything for anyone unless there is personal gain in it for himself. His own mother is 94 and was completely independent until covid, never asked for anything. She's now housebound and needs assistance with cleaning,appointments etc , she also had 2 types of cancer and a rare form of leukemia. He does absolutely nothing for her despite living 2 streets away. My mum then feels she has to do it as there is no one else.
He does not deserve any care whatsoever in his old age. He has never washed dishes, used a washing machine, changed beds, done the food shop , my mum does everything. He seems to think if she dies first, I will take over. I have told him no way.
He gave me a large cash sum 20 years ago whilst I'm grateful it was forced on me and for the wrong reasons. He now uses this as old over me. I pray every night that he will pass away first before my lovely mum

I pray every night that he will pass away first before my lovely mum
Save your prayers...even if that's not how it goes he cant compel you to do anything. I hope your mum outlives him and gets to enjoy some time without the dark shadow of him!

We've all done it, in varying degrees - at one point I had 2 stressed adult kids, stroppy grandkids, and ageing parents, as well as a disabled DH, and myself being disabled.

Somehow we juggle it.🙂

My parents died quite a while ago. DH’s dad when he was 70. His mum is 90 and still living in her own home and is mobile. We don’t have kids. She’s not been asked to help us much if at all. I think she took care of our cat once when we went on holiday for a couple weeks, but she didn’t like doing that, so we now put the cat in a cattery. She sewed some curtains for us once too, which was kind of her. We didn’t ask her for money, ever.

When she was younger and I worked full time, I popped by after work to help with dinner and make sure she was OK. Now, we sort out her finances, pay her bills, etc as her short term memory is now shot and have power of attorney…it is easy with banking apps, direct debits, etc. Little doubt in my mind her cognitive abiliities declined during the pandemic. So I wasn’t having to be over there so much (I have to take a bus there), we got her a housekeeper to cleaner who pops in a few times a week, she has a meal delivery service, and we go over once a week or so to bring her some cash for incidentals and visit. She usually has something in the house for my husband to fix which occupies the afternoon, and she and I have a chat. She comes over for Easter, Christmas, and we take her out for her birthday. She used to use a desktop computer no problem, but the IPad I got her for a Christmas gift sits as a paperweight after several attempts to teach her. I’m letting it go. She’s a 2 minute walk from the Age UK facility and they have classes, so I told her she could try there as I wasn’t a very good tech teacher. We unlisted her telephone number and put a block on there to reduce the scam calls, etc.

We also realised when we got power of attorney she was very wealthy, and after checking with her financial advisor, got her the housekeeper. No more me going over to cook and clean!

It isn’t that we don’t care about her, but we realised we needed to put boundaries in place so we didn’t feel overwhelmed and could live our own lives. I wish all of those taking care of elderly parent and their own families much luck and strength. It isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination.