Elderly needy parents + young needy kids - arghhh!!

[PlumPudd]

What do we owe to our parents / what responsibility do we have to them and what do they in return owe / have a responsibility towards us and our little kids?

I expect this is a common issue in my age group (mid 30’s). I’ve got little kids, who I love more than life itself, but who need most of my and my partners time / care / worry and attention. I also have a job, a partner, a mortgage, health worries, friends who I’d sometimes like to see, the need to occasionally have five minutes to myself to read a book etc.

However at the same time I’m raising my tiny kids my parents have been switching from relatively independent adults, to querulous, feeble (their words) old folks who want me to show them how to use the internet and book appointment for them, spend endless hours listening to their fears and grumbles about each other, their health, politics, media bias, how awful young people are today, how expensive their heating bill is (not as bloody expensive as mine) etc. and seem to feel that their time to look after has ended and their time to be looked after has begun and that it’s my responsibility to do this.

All this at a time when I’d really value still getting a bit of support and a listening ear from them as I look after a baby and a toddler, struggle to afford life, balance work, manage my own health etc. I know they got this support from their (admittedly slightly younger) parents, my grandparents, and that in theory they’d like to give it to me, but they seem unable / unwilling to.

In principle I agree that your parents should look after you and you should in turn look after your parents when they get old. But what are we all supposed to do when (because everyone is having kids later and living longer) our parents get old, grumpy and in need at the same time that we ourselves need their support in the difficult years with very young kids, or don’t have the time and energy to look after them and our kids together?!?!?

Not really looking for an answer to this (hypothetical) question, just offloading…

Try having 3 young kids , mum with dementia who then died and dad got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It’s really hard.

I absolutely adored my mum and dad , they were the both wonderful and I’m grateful to them for everything so was happy to have done everything I have done for them but god it’s hard. My dad recently passed away. I feel like I have so much more time - I didn’t really realise how much of my time was taken up with his appointments (I went to every single one with him) and how much of my head space was taken up worrying about it / organising his life. I’d do it all again though. They were the best people ever and taken from me way too soon. Try not to be too grumpy with them, getting old can be hard. I worried so much about my dad being lonely when mum died and encouraged him to join lots of groups which he did. His extended social life helped a lot.

it’s hard, and it probably won’t get easier. Set boundaries and stick to them.
It’ll help release your sense of obligation

Sorry, but you sound very selfish. Your parents were young once, had you and the same stresses as you have now. Mine are as annoying as hell, but so was I at times as a child/teenager. I will look after them as they looked after me through illness.

I really get it. I was always at the beck and call of my parents - my brother and his wife were given space. I had my first and only DS at 43 (adv I would probably not have children and a few miscarriages). All good but obv parents were already elderly. Coping with young child, travelling to city to work, guilt at not being good mum / not doing school run, running around after parents, constant phone calls, (mum moaning about dad, dad moaning about mum) not much sympathy from DH. Mum was in hospital for weeks at a time and I went every day after work to support dad. I was carer for both, FT job, mum and wife. When she passed dad fell apart and I had a breakdown trying to cope. Now dad has gone. No one understood the stress and guilt , the feeling of being pulled in all directions, of never being good enough, anger at not having my own life, of missing out on things. Looking back, I tried too hard to make it all perfect for everyone - I was never going to win. Back off a little bit , try not to give yourself such a hard time and make some space for you

Adding now that I have another moment - OP, I’m sorry for all the “wait til,” “try having,” and “you’ll regret” comments. It’s quite dismissive.

It’s hard for you and you’re not enjoying it. That’s ok. I do think you need to let them talk/vent, but don’t feel bad about being unavailable. Ignore the call. If they call back, “I can’t chat right now. Is this an emergency?” “Oh ok, that doesn’t sound like an emergency. I’ll call back another time.”
Remember, most people your parents age start having dwindling social circles. Death, illness, moving, etc leave them with fewer people that they would have discussed those things with. Also, it is what they are up to. They are busy trying to connect to the world via news reports and process the changing world around them.

Teach them to be self sufficient with apps and the internet though and stop making their appointments, etc. “Sorry, this isn’t a responsibility I can manage right now, but we can make time for me to teach you how.” My grandmother was that age and still handling most of her own stuff right up until her stroke. My uncle helped maintain the house, but she handled her own day to day needs, even when it required first learning a smart phone and the internet.

I do think we have some sense of moral obligation to our parents (abusive and neglectful parents aside), but we certainly don’t them our sanity. Patience sure, but my kids are the ones who get to take my sanity!

Give them the skills to be independent basically. We've taught my parents good computer skills etc (your parents can't be any older than mine because I'm a lot older than you!) saves so much hassle.

I can't complain, my dad still does all my diy and home improvements!

My tuppence worth...maybe set times during the week to be a listening ear. And timetable it in. Then they can talk about whatever it is they want to talk about. But then once that slot is over , change to another task u want to do. You don't need to tell anyone this is what you are doing but I think if it was me that wud help.

and seem to feel that their time to look after has ended and their time to be looked after has begun and that it’s my responsibility to do this.

This is so, so maddening, and no amount of “show them how to do internet banking themselves” helps with it. I haven’t found anything else that does either but you have my sympathy.

I'm petrified of getting old. Already I'm aware my brain isn't what it was, it takes me much longer to learn things. At the moment I manage all our household financial affairs and my father's, and there's times where I'd dearly like to walk away from it all. I've gone from cheques and being able to get money only from the branch of the bank where my account is held, to phone banking and barely needing cash. From having groceries delivered to going out to buy them from a supermarket back to having them delivered.From BBC 1 and ITV in black and white, to streaming things as and when you want. How much more will things change in the enxt 20 years? And will I be able to keep up with the pace of learning required? And if not, what will I do?

Oh OP this did make me chuckle 😁 I do feel for you. It's really hard and especially if they're not taking an interest in their newborn grandchild. I'm not yet in this position so have no words of wisdom I'm afraid - sorry. But I did chuckle at your conversation with your dad. You write very well!

Oh OP I simpatise. Unfortunately it gets worse when they become more frail, you hit the menopause and kids their teens. Usually these coincides for most people that have children in their 30s.

I looked after my parents with two young children as a single mum. It was hard as my ex doesn’t do parenting but I am glad I did it.

Tough question! I don’t face the same as I lost my mum when I was in my mid-20s. However, I still have my grandma (96yo) living overseas. About 2 years ago we had to put her in a nursing home for her safety so we have to get a financial hit on that but I am ok with it. They cared for us once upon a time and we will be in their shoes in the future. Have you considered that option?

I don't remember my parents doing tech support for my grandparents.

My mum did help them a lot after she went part time at 50 and retired at 60 though.

We kids were all grown up by then.

I’m sorry but are you seriously comparing childhood and teenhood where they are still learning the basics to eventually become independent adults to aging adults who had decades to sort themselves out and learn new things as society advanced?

I also question your reading comprehension considering OP literally says in her first post:

In principle I agree that your parents should look after you and you should in turn look after your parents when they get old.

I swear some of you just get off on sticking the boot in to an OP.

I do think there’s a point where many parents switch from being a resource to a drain. DM died suddenly at 65 so that never happened to me. Losing her was devastating, but a part of me appreciates her never having been dependent on me and the fact that I always enjoyed her company. On the other hand, I have two elderly GMs who are both quite draining to talk to. The focus is all on them. They are lonely. They want more than the people around them are willing or able to give. Getting old is shit.

I think this is something many younger people don't understand it's easy for them so it must be easy for all. In general we are living in a more and more self centred world lacking in empathy.
My mum was already in a wheelchair by the time I started school so I always knew I would be a carer....along with 2 of my 3, siblings. ....the 3rd was brain injured at 11 so being a carrer for him was a given. My parents and both in-laws were dead by the time I was 29 but I'm now the carer for my 3 siblings and a nephew with ASD I've had children and work people need to get a grip unless you're family abused you they are family so should get on with it. ... I hope your fears don't come to fruition.

I wasn't 'sticking the boot in'. Merely giving my opinion. Obviously because opinions differ it winds some people up. Nor am I 'comparing' them to child/teenhood. Just pointing out that we were frustrating and annoying at some point in our lives too. Decades to sort themselves out and learn new things? Mine are in their 80s and struggle big time with technology. They're not stupid, far from it, but they just can't grasp it. Frustrating, yes, very, but it is what it is. As are their annoying conversations. But, again, none of us are perfect.

Covid has a lot of answer for. I’m a single parent, mid 40s. Children prey teen and teen. Parents early 70s. DF recently passed. He was really independent before Covid. Went out to eat, did his shopping, went to the pub. Was single. Had mental health issues related to OCD. Never had a credit card or bank card, never had a mobile phone or internet, only freeview tv. But Covid meant he couldn’t get out to his usual places to eat and socialise. Meant he needed a fully weekly shop doing by me as he didn’t drive. He became reliant on me for everything. He started struggling with even walking, memory etc. I had to make him GP appointment and ask them to go talk to me and send me his messages and results. Sadly though he went from a very independent man to a shadow of himself and then we found him passed away on his own house. Really unexpected. This has really shaken my DM. Similar age, lives on her own too. She’s more independent and tech savvy and doesn’t rely on my so much, is able to help out with my kids, drives, but it physically disabled and the whole lockdown Covid has knocked her confidence. Her health isn’t great either. I’m at the age though where quite a lot of my friends are losing one or both of their parents - in their 70s. In think you need to appreciate them whilst they’re here. Not everyone is so lucky.

Pre teens and teenagers, on the contrary, require way more work than babies and toddlers! It may be physically tiring with baby but it is nowhere near as busy as it is having older kids. In fact, the older they get, the more work it is. Babies and toddlers are easily entertained and contained. And go to bed at like 7pm so one at least has one's evening. Teenagers, not only do you spend all your time on school stuff/after school stuff/taking them places/picking them up/dealing with crises and their mental health and wellbeing, etc, even if you do the bare minimum of all that, the worry increases the older they get. Plus, childcare is non existent post primary school, even though most people wouldn't leave an 11/12 yo to fend for themselves during the school holidays. Add some SEND into the mix as well. God, having a newborn and a toddler was an absolute breeze in comparison.

Sorry for your loss. This is how I feel too.

This is what I’ve just been thinking about saying, pretty much, but it felt churlish and I’m glad you said it 😂.

Seriously, DM had a massive stroke 3 years ago and DF is pushing 90 with a few health issues so it’s starting to get a bit shit. And yet they still don’t play the whole you need to look after us card or make me feel guilty for living 200 miles away, so I guess I’ve got ace parents. Yours do sound particularly needy OP. Long may they not be really needy.

Honestly, this whole thread makes me feel that the UK made a huge mistake in going down the "Car Society" path, as Mrs. Thatcher called it (she meant it as a compliment, of course; she thought the car society was great).

I live in a country where (at least in cities), almost everything you need is very walkable and we have super public transport that is easy to use, well staffed and safe. Cities are designed around the "rail/subway station as epicenter" - ie, everything clusters around the nearest station or is even built into the station building itself. Local shops around your area are busy because they are being used (rather than everyone driving off to superstores while local shops close down and are boarded up)

Result:
Not just teens but even pre-teens get themselves to their activities. You don't spend your lives taxiing them about. I hear my UK friends moaning about spending half their lives dragging enormous teens about and find it incredible. My 12yo gets herself almost everywhere alone now!
Older people get themselves about on foot, mobility scooters and so on. Some older public transport options here need to be more wheelchair-friendly but this is also improving as time goes on. You don't have to spend years driving your elderly parents about when their ability to drive gets a bit dodgy.
Older people stay fit and healthy for longer, because they have spent their lives walking and biking and continue to get the mental and physical stimulation of being outside, walking, and busy, lively streets instead of depressing scary places full of boarded-up windows.

I'm not saying it's a paradise here and we have stuff that needs working on and improving too, but it's a better setup for coping with the aging society/sandwich generation issue, and I really do wonder sometimes why the UK went in so heavily for the Car Society vision in the post-war period when to me it seems obvious that the UK is poorly adapted for it - densely populated island full of old cityscapes that make driving cramped with nowhere to park half the time....

Wow! What a bunch of ungrateful 'kids'!! You should be ashamed! Your parents gave you everything while looking after you while little shits and now you complain they are to much! Wait until they are not anymore and see how you wish they were there to 'drive you mad'!!! What a pathetic post!

I've come back to this thread and just struggle so much to read how little people seem to care about their parents. I'd do anything for mine, as they did for me growing up. So I can only assume I was very privileged and most people are getting payback.