Elderly needy parents + young needy kids - arghhh!!

[PlumPudd]

What do we owe to our parents / what responsibility do we have to them and what do they in return owe / have a responsibility towards us and our little kids?

I expect this is a common issue in my age group (mid 30’s). I’ve got little kids, who I love more than life itself, but who need most of my and my partners time / care / worry and attention. I also have a job, a partner, a mortgage, health worries, friends who I’d sometimes like to see, the need to occasionally have five minutes to myself to read a book etc.

However at the same time I’m raising my tiny kids my parents have been switching from relatively independent adults, to querulous, feeble (their words) old folks who want me to show them how to use the internet and book appointment for them, spend endless hours listening to their fears and grumbles about each other, their health, politics, media bias, how awful young people are today, how expensive their heating bill is (not as bloody expensive as mine) etc. and seem to feel that their time to look after has ended and their time to be looked after has begun and that it’s my responsibility to do this.

All this at a time when I’d really value still getting a bit of support and a listening ear from them as I look after a baby and a toddler, struggle to afford life, balance work, manage my own health etc. I know they got this support from their (admittedly slightly younger) parents, my grandparents, and that in theory they’d like to give it to me, but they seem unable / unwilling to.

In principle I agree that your parents should look after you and you should in turn look after your parents when they get old. But what are we all supposed to do when (because everyone is having kids later and living longer) our parents get old, grumpy and in need at the same time that we ourselves need their support in the difficult years with very young kids, or don’t have the time and energy to look after them and our kids together?!?!?

Not really looking for an answer to this (hypothetical) question, just offloading…

Not as a main topic of conversation.

What I mean though, get them talking about something that interests you all. Rather than just letting them moan.

@PlumPudd that conversation is like ones I have with my parents. Add in absolutely blatant racism too and that’s what I’m dealing with.

It is so upsetting and they are SO self centred it is unreal, but this problem is surprisingly common, I think.

You need to train 'em up by setting strict boundaries and getting them to make the decisions rather than being feeble and relying on you. Get them to pay for work like cleaning and gardening too. Show them once how to do something and make a video whilst you're doing it so they can have a guide. Write down instructions for stuff too. Don't be at their beck and call and don't be afraid to say no. Don't be guilt tripped or emotionally blackmailed.

They only ever get worse so start now.

Good grief. I'm the same age as you and have the same age parents.

I hear the same as you are saying - but it is MY parents in your position, dispairing of my mid 90s GM!!

They sound very much older than their time, and like perhaps they are leaning on you because they want to, rather than need to? I'm expecting to have to help DPs in 10 years maybe.

In my case, DM spends more time on the internet than me (and that's saying something!) and DF is still working full time as a builder! Neither startlingly healthy or young for their age either.

They literally ask me for nothing, except to visit for fun, and very occasional lifts if they need to drop their car to the garage. That's honestly it.

DB gets some tech requests as he works in IT. Stuff like installing new hardware they've bought. But not helping them to log into tesco or whatever.

They're very mindful that I have a small child and mega health worries - in fact I'm about to have a big surgery and DM will be coming to me to help me recover.

They really really don't need any 'looking after' at all.

In fact I thought it was my mother that was in the sandwich generation!

What you describe is more what I see with my peers - early 50s. Your parents had you quite late it seems. Many of my peers' children are late teens/young adults and while that bring with it certain challenges (often emotionally very draining), it's not the same as having younger children. I can leave my 14 yo to attend to my frail ILs. It would have been very hard 5 years ago (I'm a lone parent).

You need to set you boundaries otherwise you will be pulled and stretched too far. Think about the future now, this situation isn't going to get easier.

My MIL believes her children owe her. She dedicated her whole adult life to raising them, gave up everything ( whatever that was) so now they owe her.Phone calls, home decor, Holidays, day trips, lunches out, she's getting her pay back. She keeps dropping hints that her house is yoo big snd her mate's kid's bought/ built her one of those lovely modular houses. Sil is single and living at home so she gets it worse than anyone else.
I have told my kids they should visit when I'm old, but don't feel obliged. I plan to spend their inheritance on live in home help, I've told them that too. So no-one will be under obligation to anyone else.
Maybe I will change my tune when I'm actually old, but I have seen so many friends pulling their hair out " dealing" with elderly relatives. I don't want to be dealt eith, And I don't want my kids to resent me or visit out of a sense of duty. That would be so desperately sad.

The difference is that you CAN leave them alone if you are needed elsewhere. You don't need to consider baby sitters or bed times or meals. Teenagers might miss out on their activities if Grandad has to be taken to hospital, but they can be left alone, cook their own meal (hopefully) and get themselves to bed (hopefully).

Yes exactly, and they can do so much for themselves too. I refuse to believe it’s like having a dependant baby. Also not all teens have activities 24/7 and not all parents drive them around.

I'm surprised. Maybe because I've been the filling for a long time, I'm more attuned to it.

I could probably tell DS that I'm popping out for a walk, then actually go and spend the afternoon taking his Grandad out (from his care home), be back in time to cook dinner and he'd probably not even notice I'd been gone a bit longer than I'd said!

I'm there too OP, my DC is mid teens, working to GCSEs, young leader in scouts, rehearsing for the end of year school production til all hours... So REALLY needs functioning parents right now.

Yet mid-70s parents/inlaws have suddenly declined all at once and seem to be incapable of sorting most things without significant assistance. They genuinely are disabled, not just 'can't be bothered', and have managed to largely isolate themselves from most help/friends/social lives too.

I also have one of the even older generation, (mid 90s) who is ailing too. Also she doesnt live locally so we can only visit her every few weeks.

Its hard.
Its 4 generations relying largely on just me. There are no siblings/aunts/cousins to help.

I'm exhuausted.

I've had to put in certain boundaries, but the emergencies still happen, I'm still called by care providers, hospitals etc as the only Next of Kin with any ability.

I can’t understand people like your parents, why do they want to be old and feeble? I am 68 and work 10 hours a week, my husband is 69 and works full time in the tech industry, admittedly we both work from home. We have our grandchildren in the holidays and at weekends when we can, also the dog when they are going out so he isn’t left all day. I was watching a programme about ‘pensioners’ on tv and one of them was my age but seemed about 10 years older, she had no health problems but seemed to have given up. I have given my children permission to have me put down if I ever get like that. Don’t get me wrong they would help out in a second if needed, my husband had a heart attack 10 years ago and they were there for us if we needed it, as we are there for them.

I'm in my sixties, I look after my DGC x 2 because I can, so I will. Some, not all, older parents seem to think they've had kids so that they have unpaid staff to look after them as they get older. It seems very often, these were the parents who weren't always the kindest to their kids, growing up.

Put yourself and your little family first. You don't owe your parents anything. They chose to have kids not pay into an investment plan to pay for carers. They're still choosing not to show you much kindness.

Based on the latest update OP, I'd start small with refusing to make appointments for them. They can evidently use the phone themselves, and you're not helping them by letting them deskill as @MrsTerryPratchett said.

The more complex online stuff, yes I'd probably still try and support them with that. Conversationally, some of that involves you needing to be firmer. In that phone call with your dad when you were 4 weeks postpartum, he was being rude. I can see why you weren't able to do it at the time, but you can pull him up on that type of thing now.

I do sympathise. My parents went from completely independent and a big help to me, to being completely dependent in such a short space of time. This was due to illness for both, but it was incredibly hard. They became so feeble and expected me to drop everything for them, including the kids. I did too.

I’m sorry OP this is tough! This would grind me too!! I have no patience and you seem to have tons. I often tell my mum how it is. She’s almost 70 and stepdad is 70. They are really good with the internet etc so I can only imagine how f-img painful that must be. They do sound older than their years

I am potentially a similar age to you and my parents are in their early- mid 70s. They had me quite late. I have a toddler and a baby. My mum still works part time and my dad is more tech savvy than I am. He had significant health problems but manages his own life and rarely complains. They look after my children once a week, are really positive and have an active social life. Your parents sound really difficult, I'm sorry.

Some stuff you probably need firmer boundaries - for example, I've never spoken to my parents on the phone every day - I have a demanding job and a life (at least I did pre children). People are much more likely to learn tech skills if they know there is noond to do it for them.

The lack of expertise in tech must be maddening. Technology is hardly new - my parents have been online since I was at university 25 years ago! Yes my mum did used to print out my emails and keep them in a physical folder, but she got into emailing and doing everything online at the same time I did.

I think that is going to become more common now everyone is having kids later.

I’m in a similar position OP, primary aged DC and parents and in-laws both older when they had myself and husband. Due to lots of bad luck both sets have significant health needs now.

It’s utterly exhausting doing the two lots of care, especially when the parents attitude isn’t great. My in laws are a lot easier to deal with than my parents who sound quite similar to yours.

It can feel quite lonely too as not many people are juggling both.

I think people on Mumsnet have no idea about your parents health. People vary. Ridiculous generalisations here.

That said, you need to put yourselves first, and your children. They need to understand your boundaries and limits of what you can offer. They can learn the internet. I was supporting a relative on basic tech issues , but it turned out they preferred to ask me because they "couldn't be bothered " to learn it. Sod that.

Also I meant to add, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to put my DD first where at all possible (there have sometimes been hospital admissions where she has definitely suffered as I’ve been dealing with that), I need to stay sane. Anything left after that can deal with parents. It’s not always straightforward but I’m happy with that morally!

Your children come first, obviously.

How old are your parents, do you have any other siblings who can help share the load?

Is there an age concern/elderly group they could go to??? Sometimes the local library or adult education center do courses for learning to use a computer etc. At the moment you are their wailing wall and I think you have enough to deal with x

I'll probably get slaughtered... but this is one of the many reasons I moved 3 hours away from mine...

I do think that the move to having everything online or on an app is making older people increasingly less independent and isolated. Every aspect of life, banking, parking, shopping, insurance, GPs etc all depend on your ability to get online. It is discriminatory and self defeating to isolate people who want to be independent but don't have the ability or the tech to access basic services or for people who want to pay by cash.