Elderly needy parents + young needy kids - arghhh!!

[PlumPudd]

What do we owe to our parents / what responsibility do we have to them and what do they in return owe / have a responsibility towards us and our little kids?

I expect this is a common issue in my age group (mid 30’s). I’ve got little kids, who I love more than life itself, but who need most of my and my partners time / care / worry and attention. I also have a job, a partner, a mortgage, health worries, friends who I’d sometimes like to see, the need to occasionally have five minutes to myself to read a book etc.

However at the same time I’m raising my tiny kids my parents have been switching from relatively independent adults, to querulous, feeble (their words) old folks who want me to show them how to use the internet and book appointment for them, spend endless hours listening to their fears and grumbles about each other, their health, politics, media bias, how awful young people are today, how expensive their heating bill is (not as bloody expensive as mine) etc. and seem to feel that their time to look after has ended and their time to be looked after has begun and that it’s my responsibility to do this.

All this at a time when I’d really value still getting a bit of support and a listening ear from them as I look after a baby and a toddler, struggle to afford life, balance work, manage my own health etc. I know they got this support from their (admittedly slightly younger) parents, my grandparents, and that in theory they’d like to give it to me, but they seem unable / unwilling to.

In principle I agree that your parents should look after you and you should in turn look after your parents when they get old. But what are we all supposed to do when (because everyone is having kids later and living longer) our parents get old, grumpy and in need at the same time that we ourselves need their support in the difficult years with very young kids, or don’t have the time and energy to look after them and our kids together?!?!?

Not really looking for an answer to this (hypothetical) question, just offloading…

Bloody hell don’t anyone ever get old .

I spent my middle age stuck the middle of my children and aging parents. Is that why it’s called middle age?

I really feel for you @JumbleAndKitchen. That's so hard for all of you.

My mum died from cancer just before she turned 63, having retired a couple of years beforehand because of macular degeneration that was robbing her of her sight. My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly 9 days after her diagnosis.

So please excuse me if I feel that some posters are being unreasonable.

Only child. Divorced parents. Both with dementia at different stages. My Dad was diagnosed when my son was 1, by the time I get him into a care home a couple of years later my mum started showing signs, stepdad who promised in sickness and In health a year before promptly killed himself and left me to it. I have had barely any time with my son who is now a teenager. My priority is always mum now. What were my parents doing at my age? Living it up, good social lives, no responsibilities. Did they care for their own parents like I have? No, my mother grumbled about nightly calls to my Nan during her mercifully short terminal cancer. My father didn’t visit his own mother in a care home for 15 years. I’m trapped with this now, can’t move away, can’t relax, always on call, my marriage is suffering. But who gives a shit we are just adult children who owe them forever right? Shit sandwich generation more like.

It's getting more common as people have kids later. When people used to have kids at 25, your parents did the same so grandparents at 50. Your kids are grown before you start caring for your own parents, and you often had more siblings to share the load. Plus mum was usually at home and did the caring for parents while dad worked.

Now people are frequently having kids 35-40 or over. Meaning you're having kids with parents in 70s and 80s that are getting older and maybe starting to need care while you have young children to care for. Also less siblings on average to share the load and both parents working full time.

They're getting older, lonelier, and having to compete with your kids for attention so in some ways they play up to the old and feeble stereotype to get the attention and contact they want. They don't want you to do an online shop for them, they want you to take them shopping ... and have a cup of coffee while there ... and put it all away when you get back ... and then sit and have a chat because 'they haven't seen you all week' ... then ring them when you get home so they know you're safe then try chat another hour. Same with appointments, they won't want to get a taxi, they want you to take them.

You need to decide what care you can and can't offer and regrettably put boundaries in place between what is reasonable and what's them being potentially difficult about wanting things a certain way.

I have to admit I partly agree with gamerchick here.
All you want to talk about is your baby but you’ve phoned your dad to ask him how he is so why aren’t you listening to him.
Maybe OP if you engage in what’s interesting to him he will engage with you more and it becomes a two way conversation and you’ll both get more out of it.

Gosh, you sound like a charmer.

You don’t want to hear about things in the news, you wouldn’t want to hear about your baby grandchild, you don’t want anything to do with your parents, what do you want to do with your spare time? (Game, I suspect)

Yes and no. The “traditional” way to have a family was to keep having them until you couldn’t have any more, so women were usually in their late 30s and men a little over 40 when their last was born. Becoming-a-grandparent therefore included all sorts of ages, from late-40s to 80 or so. In Shakespeare’s day, around half of all babies had no grandparents alive at all by the time they were born.

The post-WWII period was an unusual period where people started early and stopped early, so very few women have babies later than their late 20s. It wasn’t the broader historical norm, however.

Well said @JumbleAndKitchen and @mayorofcasterbridge !!!

Its not too much to ask to support members of your family if they need that support.
Its not too much to listen to them moan if they need a moan or explain to them how to use Netflix or the phone or to mow the grass ….whatever.

My parents and my dh parents had us when they were mid / late 30s, I had first ds late 30s my dh mid 40s. So our parents were early 70s when we had kids.
Dealing with everything was exhausting but just part of a routine we built up over time and accepted as we share a family.

It’s not for everyone, it’s not possible for everyone but OP it’s really up to you to decide how much you want to engage and support and be comfortable with that.

The irony is, my mum was just 19 when she had me - had her youngest child aged 28.

Threads like this make me glad both my parents are gone, especially my father
He would have demanded i care for him if we were still in contact before he died, despite the abuse and neglect i received as a child
It was actually a fear i lived with until he did die - that once i turned 18 the gov would contact and pressure me to care for him. I didnt know they couldnt.

I was 19 when he died - that was a long year of fear

Is it really that bad??
I think you're tired and overworked and over committed.
You're having a moan and that's fair enough but the isolation of Covid really messed some people up and it's hard to get over.
Just talk to them on the phone.

The comment of what do we owe our parents is an indication of your self entitlement. Sorry for being harsh but do you want your kids to say when they are older, oh I suppose we owe it too them.
You're giving a lot to your kids and you want acknowledgment of that, don't your parents deserve the same?

I had a high need child I guess, in that they have complex disabilities, and elderly parents who are needing a lot of help. What is fustrating for me is that they don’t ask for it! Of course I’ll be helping them out, and recently had to have a word with them, as they’ve been struggling all alone. They couldn’t work out how to re order a prescription recently so just ran out of pills, and couldn’t put the bins out so just started stacking up bin bags inside.

It breaks my heart! I’ve now sorted them hopefully with everything.

I do have limits, my child is pretty 24/7, but definitely some room to help. I can’t take on daily or even weekly physical tasks as I don’t live near them, but there’s a lot you can do online. Sometimes I order their shopping for them, and I order their prescriptions online and get them delivered. I got them a cleaner, which they pay for. Unfortunately I can’t clean for them myself.

But yes, it is a bit stressful but then again, having parents in such a struggle and unable to ask for help? Really awful. At least my parents are in my child’s life, that’s what I think.

I miss my mum so much

I totally hear you. My parents are the stereotypical “uninvolved disinterested baby boomers”. I am late Gen X and have been totally independent since I left home at 18. I had kids late so still early days doing school runs, sports, therapies, birthday parties etc

My parents are now in their 70’s and my mother in particular is getting very clingy/dramatic (there’s a back story I won’t get into) . She has even guilted my single brother into agreeing to let her live with him and provide her with private 24/7 home care if “Dad dies before her”. With how high maintenance she is at home I’m thinking there is a real possibility that she’s going to put Dad in an early grave (he’s in much better health than her ).

Our old folks have definitely learnt weaponised incompetence - they just don’t know the term 😂

Can I also add my voice to those who have lost parents. My dad died when he was 50 and my mum in her late 70s. I’d do anything to have them still here even if I was run ragged caring for them. They may be irritating but cherish them - they won’t be here for ever.

I am a big believer in supporting your family but only if that has been a reciprocal relationship. As many say on here, your parents don't owe you childcare and the reverse is true, you don't owe your parents care

The world has moved on and generations are now expected to work full time, raise children and look after elderly parents. It just isn't sustainable.
All of this

I agree with this. I also dont agree with killing yourself to help people who could help themselves. There is no nobility in working yourself to the point of exhaustion and illness because you are no good to anyone then anyway, including yourself.

There are boundaries you can put in place here, OP. I would allot a specific amount of manageable time to assist them with practical things and again, phone calls to find out how they are. The news/gossip talk I'd be cutting out immediately and being firmer. "Dad, I am not interested in Prince Harry or the daily mail. I rang you up to talk about you, if you continue to talk about this I am going to have to end the conversation as I have things to do and dont have time for this". Then, end it. You arent obliged to listen to constant negativity just because they raised you.

I’m in the same boat as you. My grandparents had kids very young (early 20s) so they helped my parents a great deal when me and siblings were young. Parents had us when they were 30s/40s and we have also had dc mid 30s so by this point parents are 70 and starting to struggle with life. I suspect my mum far more than she really lets on but she is zero help to me and actually more like another to look after now. It’s very hard but I think it’s the reality of spacing out the generations. Good luck. Outsource what you can xxxx

I’m 40, work ft with 3 young kids. The pil are very active grandparents, currently in Europe for a month travelling (from oz) and babysitting for one of their children who are on a long holiday there. So that’s your fit and wealthy enough category I guess, although they’ve both had heart attacks and fil a triple bypass- there’s an attitude required as well to jump back into it and seeing the grandkids. My mum needs a walking frame to get around the house, dad has a long term fibromyalgia type problem, but mum will catch a cab over to ours to see us and out with friends so she doesn’t have to rely on my dad driving her everywhere, and we are dropping our older ds there tonight to stay the night and tomorrow since it’s a no school day tomorrow- it’s not just health again, it’s attitude too. The ops dads attitude from that phone call is pretty miserable. I’m sorry.

You don't owe your parents care? Wow! They have raised you. If you have kids.... how much love do you give them? How much time you invest in them? I wouldn't expect my kids to discard me when they reach adulthood. Hopefully i can raise them better than this...

“I wouldn't expect my kids to discard me when they reach adulthood…”
I absolutely would. I’m now estranged from my parents because of the expectation that I would care for them. I’m never, ever, putting that pressure onto my DC.

I agree with you about all the apps. I think it's hugely discriminatory.

Nope, no child owes their parents care for simply being born - especially if they are nasty and abusive

I plan on having things in place so i dont burden my child. I didnt have a kid so she my default carer

We do what we can but be aware that your own DC despite you being much more loving and caring parents than your own parents were to you will witness how you treat your parents so it might just bite you in the backside when you get old.

In my case im lucky, DD never had to meet my father, he was dead long before her birth. Truth be told, he never would have met her even if he was alive, id have not allowed it
My mother died when i was 12
So her whole life, ive never had alive parents