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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

406 replies

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 09:41

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

OP posts:
OfficerPastiche · 09/06/2023 09:43

YANBU. It's very disappointing.
I don't think it's fair to have 'flirted' without having been open. the female equivalent would be something like having vaginismus.

PleasantOwl · 09/06/2023 09:45

To be fair, he might not have known, or maybe thought it’d all be OK. I’m not sure at what point you’d raise that, it’s tricky and embarrassing. The key thing for me would be what’s he doing about it now.

Clymene · 09/06/2023 09:46

And that's why he's never been married or in a serious relationship.

I'd bin him.

FOJN · 09/06/2023 09:47

It is possible that he has no problem getting an erection on his own and didn't know he would struggle with a partner. Perhaps he needs to see a doctor or a sex therapist. Either way your relationship will not succeed if you can't discuss such a big issue.

ConstitutionHill · 09/06/2023 09:48

It's time to gently bring up the elephant in the room. Just ask gently, when you are not in bed. Maybe over text? Say you are keen to move onto full sex, is he as well, is there anything you can do to help make this happen?

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 09/06/2023 09:50

I'd bin him.

Well, if a good man = nothing but a provider of sex then yes, but surely there's more to a relationship than that?
It may be that things will improve, and that there are other very good and worthwhile aspects to this relationship.

Whataretheodds · 09/06/2023 09:52

If it's been 2 months have you raised it with him?

Yes I would be disappointed but you can't expect him to have been the perfect communicator if you've done nothing to communicate about it now that you two are involved and are just continuing to date.

sr92 · 09/06/2023 09:52

Clymene · 09/06/2023 09:46

And that's why he's never been married or in a serious relationship.

I'd bin him.

Exactly this 🤣

Maddy70 · 09/06/2023 09:52

I don't think he did any wrong he needs to know it's going somewhere before he divulged and also it could be different with you there is always that hope. Just ask him to get medical treatment. You can buy Viagra over the counter

Nordicrain · 09/06/2023 09:54

YANBU to be disappointed, or decide that it's not worth pursuing becuase of this (ignore those making out like you are shallow because you would like sex to be part of your romantic relationship). But I thinjk YABU to expect him to announce it in advance.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 09/06/2023 09:54

I'd go back to basics and take penative sex off the menu. Loads of kissing touching, then try oral both giving and receiving, then build it slowly. I would also try to talk about it and if he admits its a problem get him to go to the doctors. Don't give totally up just yet if everything else is good.

Clymene · 09/06/2023 09:56

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 09/06/2023 09:50

I'd bin him.

Well, if a good man = nothing but a provider of sex then yes, but surely there's more to a relationship than that?
It may be that things will improve, and that there are other very good and worthwhile aspects to this relationship.

It's not just that he has ED. It's the fact that he's pretending he hasn't that's a far bigger issue. You can't solve a problem until you admit there is one.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/06/2023 09:56

Just ditch him OP. Life is way too short.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/06/2023 09:58

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 09/06/2023 09:54

I'd go back to basics and take penative sex off the menu. Loads of kissing touching, then try oral both giving and receiving, then build it slowly. I would also try to talk about it and if he admits its a problem get him to go to the doctors. Don't give totally up just yet if everything else is good.

Why? Why should OP (or any woman) invest so much time, effort and thought into a problem that the man clearly can't be arsed to solve?

TheSnowyOwl · 09/06/2023 10:01

I don’t think you can complain about him not talking to you when you aren’t raising it with him either.

Maybe he’s not had the issue before, maybe he thought he would be fine with you and is stressed he isn’t which is making it worse, maybe it’s always been an issue and he needs to speak to someone about it.

Talk to him.

Newname2323 · 09/06/2023 10:04

If you really like him (it seems as though you do) then I'd gently bring it up, if he's not willing to talk openly about it or denies it's a problem then I wouldn't go any further. On the other hand you could work through it together and end up with a great sex life. Wouldn't expect him to announce it, he may be really insecure about it. It won't happen overnight so depends how serious you are about this guy.

HMMOG · 09/06/2023 10:05

Newname2323 · 09/06/2023 10:04

If you really like him (it seems as though you do) then I'd gently bring it up, if he's not willing to talk openly about it or denies it's a problem then I wouldn't go any further. On the other hand you could work through it together and end up with a great sex life. Wouldn't expect him to announce it, he may be really insecure about it. It won't happen overnight so depends how serious you are about this guy.

I agree.

FullOfBiscuit · 09/06/2023 10:06

ConstitutionHill · 09/06/2023 09:48

It's time to gently bring up the elephant in the room. Just ask gently, when you are not in bed. Maybe over text? Say you are keen to move onto full sex, is he as well, is there anything you can do to help make this happen?

Do this ^

Talk to him.

StrawberryWater · 09/06/2023 10:08

I’d be inclined to ditch him but I wouldn’t do it without talking to him first to see what the issue is.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/06/2023 10:08

Newname2323 · 09/06/2023 10:04

If you really like him (it seems as though you do) then I'd gently bring it up, if he's not willing to talk openly about it or denies it's a problem then I wouldn't go any further. On the other hand you could work through it together and end up with a great sex life. Wouldn't expect him to announce it, he may be really insecure about it. It won't happen overnight so depends how serious you are about this guy.

I agree. I did actually have this issue with an ex, but he wasn't willing to talk about it or work on it. He just wanted to pretend it didn't happen. That relationship ended as there was no point staying with someone who wouldn't even try.

Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 10:11

thanks So much everyone, the range of responses is similar to the range of feelings I’ve had about it to be honest!

we’ve never sent photos or anything like that but we did have phone sex a few times and now I’m left thinking, shit was he just faking all that. Which makes me cross but then if he does have an issue that must be a really sad thing for a man.

I do know he had an operation a while ago on his stomach and so I don’t know if maybe there are health/physical issues he hasn’t admitted to, he’s only ever said he’s as healthy as an ox (he’s really into running and clean eating). I’m sort of torn between feeling like he should have told me and feeling like why would he, it’s his private business, and I keep going back and forth on it. I do really like him, we have so much fun togetherbbut when I feel like he’s been hiding something important, it’s risking undermining that!

OP posts:
Newname2323 · 09/06/2023 10:14

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious Exactly the same scenario over here, my ex would say it's not an issue I just need to do x y and z. He made me feel like it was me, until I made friends with his ex when it was over and she said he had the same issues. Usually I'd be sympathetic but making two women feel as though it was them instead of his own problem made me lose all respect for him.

SecretTattoo · 09/06/2023 10:16

2 months in? Is it really worth the hassle?

Theres the actual problem and then there’s the fact he’s not mentioning it. That’s just weird. Can you really be bothered?

georgianwindow · 09/06/2023 10:17

He could be nervous, it doesn't take much in the way of nerves to make men struggle with getting it up.

He could have masturbating habits that make it hard for him to get it up when he needs to, especially if he's been on his own for a while.

I'd bring it up gently, if he turns it on you or gets defensive about it then I imagine it's a long term issue.

Write2023 · 09/06/2023 10:20

You can’t go on like this. Talk to him. Ask him to go to the GP. Maybe try viagra.

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