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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

406 replies

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 09:41

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

OP posts:

SaltedButty · 09/06/2023 12:20

What does he say when "nothing happens". Surely there must be some kind of conversation around it?

MasterBeth · 09/06/2023 12:23

It sounds like you don't want a relationship, you want a sex toy.

NotmyRLname · 09/06/2023 12:25

Tell him you really like him but that you need to have a frank conversation about it and work through it. Tell him it’s not a deal breaker but that you both need to work together on creating a satisfying sex life

JimnJoyce · 09/06/2023 12:26

hi @QueenAnnesLeftSock Ive had this twice in the last 5 years, nothing mentioned by either BF beforehand.
It turned out one was used to a sex life with his ex of 10 yrs that consisted of 3 weekends per year sex fuelled by lots of drugs and now he couldn't do it any other way. The other had ED but wouldnt do anything about it, instead he tried to steer sex towards BDSM and avoided penetration.
I got rid of both.

NeverendingCircus · 09/06/2023 12:30

I don't understand why you can't talk about it. You have described what you'd like to do, so you're not shy with each other in discussions. Can't you say - we chat a lot about what we want to do but right now those things aren't possible. I know it's difficult to discuss the issue but I'm guessing you'd like to find a solution to it so we can get closer. Have you thought about why it happens? Have you had any support or advice about it? Would you be interested in seeking some?

I would definitely be prepared to support someone in overcoming this if I liked him in all other ways. But if he refuses to deal with it, it would be difficult to stick around long term.

Lacucuracha · 09/06/2023 12:31

MasterBeth · 09/06/2023 12:23

It sounds like you don't want a relationship, you want a sex toy.

Ah yes, how dare a woman have sexual needs. She should constrain a natural human function in order to keep a man, any man.

DataNotLore · 09/06/2023 12:32

My DH had this 15 years ago.

We talked about it and got over it.

Certainly is not a problem now 😁

I don't think you're the right person to do this. Let him go.

LadyJ2023 · 09/06/2023 12:33

It's odd you haven't talked about it by now. Also a shame it seems all about sex to so hey hope you get it sorted

DataNotLore · 09/06/2023 12:33

@Lacucuracha

Nobody has sexual "needs". Wants yes, needs no.

Original poster

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 12:33

I can and will talk about it; I just wanted to make sure it was focussed on the right things as I do feel sore that he’s talked a great dirty game but apparently can’t play it!

we’ve just done lots of fondling and snuggling and kissing but I’ve not actually yet said, so, what’s happening/not happening. The first couple of times I figured maybe he was just tired or we’d had a glass of wine but now it’s been more than that.

I don’t want “a sex toy” but I would like sex and honesty!

OP posts:

ForestLilac · 09/06/2023 12:35

Do his hands not work? Can he not spend time having fun? Did he not touch you?

Or did he just seem a bit ‘my penis doesn’t get hard therefore there is literally nothing else to do, no enjoyment to be had’?

UncleHerbie · 09/06/2023 12:36

This happened to a pal: met someone IRL on many occasions, lots of flirting and sexual banter on the phone. He offered to cook a romantic meal at hers. Dinner went well, so far, so good. Kissing, caressing, then she went to touch his penis - it was flaccid. He told her it had never happened before, it must be you. He left, she was devastated. She called me the next morning and after being sympathetic, I asked if he was diabetic. She said he was and I told her that for some diabetic men, impotence is a side effect

Outcome was she binned him for (a) making her feel bad about herself/blaming her, (b) lying/not being honest

Thereafter, we jokingly decided that all potential partners should be verbally screened for diabetes

I’m sorry it happened to you

ThursdayFreedom · 09/06/2023 12:37

I can understand him not announcing it on the first date, but when you've 'progressed through the ranks' via phone sex, if he's been cumming or telling you he has, it's not on to say nothing/nada when he can't get it up during actual intimacy.

it's his lack of communication that would make me very pissed off. He's basically knowingly letting you feel like you're not attractive/not turning him on etc. that's cruel. He's old enough to be having sex, he's old enough to talk about it poor to being intimate in person OR at the very least discussing it at the time.

mynameisnotthis2 · 09/06/2023 12:38

The fact that he's tried to sleep with you says to me that he must think it's possible.

You need to have a conversation with him about it really. I would ask him if the problem is because he's nervous and let the conversation go from there. Hopefully he will have an explanation other than "it never works and I didn't want to tell you"

Naunet · 09/06/2023 12:42

Has he not said anything about it at all?! Does he make the effort to still make sure you have a good time? That would be an important factor for me.

I’m not sure I’d bother investing in a man who can’t communicate about things like this, it’s only 2 months in.

Oakbeam · 09/06/2023 12:44

Nobody has sexual "needs". Wants yes, needs no.

I beg to differ. I need it to stop me wanting it.

KinderCat · 09/06/2023 12:46

I had am ex who never had any issues in that area (we were friends first and I knew a lot of his exes and past in general).

After literally years of slow burn we hooked up in what was one of the most intense and passionate relationships in my life but the first few times he couldn't "perform" as it were and then he started finshing really quickly. He was so embarrassed, but had no idea as he had never had it before. It was all the build up and pressure of wanting it go right it transpired later. We are still friends now and he can laugh it off but at the time it felt like I was the issue, then he felt so humiliated. It was only with distance we could see how we created that issue to begin with.

May not be what's happening here as I know a friend's other half can't perform at all just because he can't seem to feel that way but may be worth considering all the possibilities if you have yet to actually just talk to him about it.

ejbaxa · 09/06/2023 12:48

The lack of communication/honesty is the issue really and that would piss me off. Judging by posts on this site, there are plenty of women how don’t want to have sex. He should go on a dating site and just be honest. He could find someone who this situation really suits.

I’d bin him for the lack of communication.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/06/2023 12:50

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 12:33

I can and will talk about it; I just wanted to make sure it was focussed on the right things as I do feel sore that he’s talked a great dirty game but apparently can’t play it!

I don’t want “a sex toy” but I would like sex and honesty!

but did he not say anything at the time? you touched his flaccid willy whilst making out, it did nothing so you stopped touching it and he just didn't say ANYTHING? Did he at least reciprocate the physicality?

viques · 09/06/2023 12:53

If you were friends who met up for drinks, meals, trips to the cinema, days out etc then yes, what happens below his waist would be his “private business”.

But you have had intimate conversations, have slept in the same bed, have kissed and been bodily intimate in other ways, so yes, it is your business that he isn’t able, or willing, to have penetrative sex, and it is your right to ask why, just as it would be his business, and his right to ask what the issue was, if you were the one who for whatever reason was unable to have penetrative sex after sharing intimate space, phone sex etc.

You would not be obliged to explain, and he is not obliged to explain, but the right to ask is there.

ShandaLear · 09/06/2023 12:54

MasterBeth · 09/06/2023 12:23

It sounds like you don't want a relationship, you want a sex toy.

It’s not unreasonable to want to be intimate in a relationship. If she didn’t want intimacy why not just be friends?

Naunet · 09/06/2023 12:56

MasterBeth · 09/06/2023 12:23

It sounds like you don't want a relationship, you want a sex toy.

Ahh yes, let’s shame women for having their own sexuality 🙄
She wants a intimate relationship, not a friend, is that ok, or are only men allowed such desires?

Followill · 09/06/2023 12:58

I think you are being harsh to say he never told you when he might not have known. He may well be able to perform just fine on his own or had no issues with other partners.

You both need to talk about it.

CombatBarbie · 09/06/2023 12:59

Yabu to being miffed, anyone with a libido would be especially at your age.

You've had suggestions on how to raise it, it could be nerves, it could be medical, it could be Ed..... But all those have solutions (unless he has no nerves in his groin??) but he has to help himself a bit here too. Does he initiate or pleasure you anyway?

Original poster

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 13:00

@SleepingStandingUp we’ve done other things, yes. I didn’t want to get too graphic on here but lots of hands and oral stuff; he is very keen to please and he visibly enjoys being touched, it just doesn’t actually do anything and therefore he doesn’t get the same obvious pleasure that I do.

And to me giving my partner pleasure is a key part of me enjoying sex, although I would be open to the idea that he can have pleasure in more ways than the obvious, I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t be disappointing. Maybe he’s scared of rejection if he brings it up, like I said, I do get that, but at the same time, it’s clearly not fixing itself!

OP posts:

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