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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

406 replies

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 09:41

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

OP posts:
Clymene · 09/06/2023 13:00

Followill · 09/06/2023 12:58

I think you are being harsh to say he never told you when he might not have known. He may well be able to perform just fine on his own or had no issues with other partners.

You both need to talk about it.

I disagree. I think this is something he's had issues with before and this is how he deals with it, by pretending it's not happening. If it's a one off and he was really confident in his ability to perform, he would express surprise and talk about it.

The fact he isn't is a massive 🚩 for this being a long term issue.

ShandaLear · 09/06/2023 13:01

The thing is though, the first few months you’re supposed to be swinging from the rafters. I remember once having to drink a bottle of Lucozade just to make it back to my car after one particularly energetic night with my now DP (and yes, I do thank Baby Jesus up in heaven for him every single day!). There’s a possibility that this is as good as it’s going to get. You either need to talk about it or let him go now.

YouTarzan · 09/06/2023 13:06

It sounds like you don't want a relationship, you want a sex toy

What a bizarre response - without sex it’s not a relationship, it’s a friendship!

newtb · 09/06/2023 13:07

Don't how you'd get around asking tactfully, but if he's not having full erections in the morning, he could be short of testisterone. Easily sorted with injection or patches. If it's a psychological problem, that's more complicated.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2023 13:07

I wouldn't even bother speaking to him about because he clearly isn't bothered to discuss it with you, and he definitely should have by now.

This relationship is just not going to work. End it politely and move on.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/06/2023 13:07

I get that it must be pretty soul destroying for a man and that maybe he’s been in denial or hoping it will be fine

I'm quite sure it IS very difficult for him, and that if he knew this would be an issue it would have been a very awkward thing to raise (no pun intended)

However he can't reasonably expect to date fairly young women and not appreciate that this is going to be a major issue, so realistically you'll probably just have to cut him loose

pendleflyer · 09/06/2023 13:08

Clymene · 09/06/2023 09:46

And that's why he's never been married or in a serious relationship.

I'd bin him.

oh no surely burning too good for him?

ThisMammaCat · 09/06/2023 13:14

See if you can find out if he wakes up with an erection. If he doesn't he needs to see a GP.

pendleflyer · 09/06/2023 13:15

ThisMammaCat · 09/06/2023 13:14

See if you can find out if he wakes up with an erection. If he doesn't he needs to see a GP.

+1

newhaircut · 09/06/2023 13:18

DataNotLore · 09/06/2023 12:33

@Lacucuracha

Nobody has sexual "needs". Wants yes, needs no.

So what? OP wants a relationship which involves sex. I do too. So do most men! There is nothing wrong with that so stop trying to shame her for it.

Thesharkradar · 09/06/2023 13:18

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 09/06/2023 09:54

I'd go back to basics and take penative sex off the menu. Loads of kissing touching, then try oral both giving and receiving, then build it slowly. I would also try to talk about it and if he admits its a problem get him to go to the doctors. Don't give totally up just yet if everything else is good.

Yes why not offer him your services as a free sex therapist🤯
OR find a man who can actually fuck😍

Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 13:20

The morning thing is a very good point. For various reasons usually my childcare I’ve pretty much had to get up and go very early as we do live a reasonable distance apart It hadn’t occurred to me that would be a good test!

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/06/2023 13:20

Stupid question but how do you know that this isn't the first time it happened to him?

I suffer from performance anxiety on occasion, 4 periods of a few weeks to a couple of months over the last 20 years. It's entirely psychological, happens when I'm dealing with a lot of stress and then starts happening because it happened last time and I get stuck in a loop that I struggle to get out of.

But the first time it happened was completely out of the blue. I was 24, completely healthy and had had no trouble at all and a very busy sex life for the last few years. And then I met this girl and the first time we had sex a certain body part just refused to behave. It definitely wasn't her, she was probably the most attractive woman I'd ever slept with and I was head over heels which may have been part of the issue!

It lasted about a week and she was really understanding about it thank god. And then we got a bit drunk and tried and suddenly it worked because the pressure was off, and from then on all was good.

Every time it's happened in the 20 years since then though, is due to that first time though I reckon. I'm stressed, and worrying about things, and so another worry just pops into my head, "what if it doesn't work again", and bam, self fulfilling prophecy.

Allblackeverythingalways · 09/06/2023 13:24

CalistoNoSolo · 09/06/2023 09:56

Just ditch him OP. Life is way too short.

This
I flogged a limp horse for 18 months once before I admitted defeat.
It's sad, but sex is a huge part of a relationship. A part I'm not willing to compromise on.

Talkingmouse · 09/06/2023 13:28

It sounds like you really like him. It sounds like he makes you come with his hands and tongue. All good. It isn’t a great sign either of you can’t communicate about it so far. But. You are here asking for advice. Time to be open and communicate directly now. If he can communicate back and wants to work together at solving then give it a good go. The results could be huge 🍆.

If he can’t or won’t communicate and try, then you need to walk away.

Tahitiansummer · 09/06/2023 13:28

he’s only ever said he’s as healthy as an ox (he’s really into running and clean eating).

If he genuinely has ED, there's a strong possibility he's very far from healthy. ED can be an indicator of serious cardiovascular disease and is never something to ignore. Please encourage his to speak to his GP.

Sandra1984 · 09/06/2023 13:29

The problem with screen relationships is that people create this fake persona or idealised creature he/she would like to be in real life, once you meet the person nothing is what it seems.I do think getting sexual online before developing a relationship in real life is a huge mistake, sexting should be left for after, once you feel emotionally and sexually safe in real life. I believe technology is playing a number on human relationships nowadays, everyone seems to be hiding behind screen creating fake personas they're not.

This guy has some massive issues and he's making you miserable, he marketed himself as Rocco Siffreddi and turned out to be a teletubbie, bin him and find someone who can handle real life sex.

ThatFraggle · 09/06/2023 13:30

I hate being lied to.

Him pretending there is nothing to discuss is a lie.

Or if he is just too cowardly to bring up HIS issue, he doesn't have the maturity for a relationship.

bonzaitree · 09/06/2023 13:31

You’re 38- way too young for issues like this.

Id speak to him once about it to give him the benefit of the doubt, see what he has to say the potentially end it.

Honestly if the sex isn’t amazing at the start then it won’t get better as time goes on.

Maybe I’m being too harsh?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2023 13:33

bonzaitree · 09/06/2023 13:31

You’re 38- way too young for issues like this.

Id speak to him once about it to give him the benefit of the doubt, see what he has to say the potentially end it.

Honestly if the sex isn’t amazing at the start then it won’t get better as time goes on.

Maybe I’m being too harsh?

This isn't harsh at all, it's reality. Op, why you would invest one more minute with him is beyond me.

Naunet · 09/06/2023 13:37

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/06/2023 13:20

Stupid question but how do you know that this isn't the first time it happened to him?

I suffer from performance anxiety on occasion, 4 periods of a few weeks to a couple of months over the last 20 years. It's entirely psychological, happens when I'm dealing with a lot of stress and then starts happening because it happened last time and I get stuck in a loop that I struggle to get out of.

But the first time it happened was completely out of the blue. I was 24, completely healthy and had had no trouble at all and a very busy sex life for the last few years. And then I met this girl and the first time we had sex a certain body part just refused to behave. It definitely wasn't her, she was probably the most attractive woman I'd ever slept with and I was head over heels which may have been part of the issue!

It lasted about a week and she was really understanding about it thank god. And then we got a bit drunk and tried and suddenly it worked because the pressure was off, and from then on all was good.

Every time it's happened in the 20 years since then though, is due to that first time though I reckon. I'm stressed, and worrying about things, and so another worry just pops into my head, "what if it doesn't work again", and bam, self fulfilling prophecy.

So OP should just hang around with her fingers crossed? It’s been two months and he’s not talking about it, that’s why she doesn’t know if it’s the first time or not.

Morewineplease10 · 09/06/2023 13:37

It's a bin from me!
Because he misled you and had had 2 months to raise it but hasn't.
No pun intended 😮

DisquietintheRanks · 09/06/2023 13:38

I don't think you were owed the information until the point where you were planning to sleep together tbh. After all, either of you could have finished it for any reason before that.

That said, I'm old fashioned, and think the dating process is about gradually getting to know a person.

Lcb123 · 09/06/2023 13:40

I’d say your mentality of it being ‘performance’ is a bit concerning attitude. I can’t think how he would tell you in advance, and likely it’s unexpected for him especially if he’s not been in a relationship.
if he’s a good partner and person otherwise then you need to discuss it in a non confrontational way, and not in any way make him feel he’s failing

porridgeisbae · 09/06/2023 13:44

YANBU I had a lover like that. I told him over text before we got together that due to my previous boyfriend there's no way I would want someone that can't manage penetrative sex.

He knew he completely and utterly can't manage it due to physical health reasons, but didn't say.

When we got off with each other it was evident that there were very little signs of life there.

I wasn't assertive enough (or wrongly liked him as a person too much) to say it wasn't what I was looking for and stop the 'sex.'

Instead I ended up in three years of having to perform foreplay on a virtually completely impotent micropenis.