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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

406 replies

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 09:41

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 15/06/2023 15:21

DeliciouslyDecadent · 15/06/2023 15:14

Well, to answer your question.....

YES you are being unreasonable.

Why?

Because you don't know if this is a long-standing issue or if it's new with you.

It may have only happened with you, the first time you tried to have sex.
And once it has, it's set up a pattern of anxiety and ED.

You are also being unreasonable to keep on seeing him with this pattern being repeated and not asking him why.

You are also being very unreasonable and not realistic to expect a man to admit to ED so soon when dating, especially if it's something that hasn't happened before, or not often.

You don't give the impression here that you have tried to communicate with him, offer him reassurance that 'it's okay, don't worry about it' the first time it occurred.

What may have been stage fright with you, have become a bigger issue the more you have dated.

I think you should stop asking who is 'unreasonable' as if this is some judge and jury situation, and start engaging with the emotions.

OP, don't you know, the most important thing in the world is the feelings of this man who's leading you in a merry dance.

pendleflyer · 15/06/2023 15:35

can't help but wondering after all this, and OP having made up mind, possibly even before starting the thread, that the plan is to present the bloke with a printout of the thread and a mumsnet petition. or even a torchlit procession.

OP - talk, tacttfully, to him - only way forward.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 15/06/2023 15:44

@ThatFraggle Is that quote of my post and your reply aimed at me or the OP (you're a bit obtuse or maybe the sarcasm isn't really working.)

If it's aimed at me, what I'd say to you is that if the OP is that concerned, she ought to have opened her mouth and discussed this the 2nd time it happened.

She wants to blame him for something that may have only happened with her (maybe he likes her as she likes him but there is something about the sexual chemistry that isn't working for him and he's giving HER the benefit of the doubt for a while.) Maybe in RL she doesn't do it for him compared to the phone but he wants to give it time.

So odd to blame another person for not 'admitting' something when they may have not been any history to admit- and to avoid talking about it yourself.

Pots and kettles, eh?

2bazookas · 15/06/2023 16:01

When I read you have DC, I chilled.

IF he was a man uninterested in sex with adult women
IF he patiently groomed a single parent to gain access to her children

That would make perfect sense of the flirty phone sex , kissing and foldling that never leads to  physical arousal/PIV/orgasm. AND the fact he has never offered any discussion to explain a very weird  set of behaviours.
Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 15/06/2023 16:35

Wow, I forget how this place is batshit sometimes 😂.

The range of suggestions from making him book a hotel right now to him not fancying me to him being gay to him being a secret to me printing out this thread to show him is precisely why I said in the OP that I wasn’t asking for speculation on the cause. It’s disrespectful to a human being whom I like very much.

Nor am I prepared to disclose details of my private/social life to explain how/when we’ve met up, nor the graphic details of what we did and what was said, it’s all deeply personal. I’m satisfied with all that.

@OhForFucksFuckingSake has nailed (again, thank you!! 😘) how I had started to feel about it, and that is what we will be discussing the next time I see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 15/06/2023 16:36
  • a secret groomer that should have said
OP posts:
2bazookas · 15/06/2023 16:42

Most perturbed to see bits of wool tied round his penis to keep it hard.

I can't unsee that now.

OhForFucksFuckingSake · 15/06/2023 16:47

DeliciouslyDecadent · 15/06/2023 15:44

@ThatFraggle Is that quote of my post and your reply aimed at me or the OP (you're a bit obtuse or maybe the sarcasm isn't really working.)

If it's aimed at me, what I'd say to you is that if the OP is that concerned, she ought to have opened her mouth and discussed this the 2nd time it happened.

She wants to blame him for something that may have only happened with her (maybe he likes her as she likes him but there is something about the sexual chemistry that isn't working for him and he's giving HER the benefit of the doubt for a while.) Maybe in RL she doesn't do it for him compared to the phone but he wants to give it time.

So odd to blame another person for not 'admitting' something when they may have not been any history to admit- and to avoid talking about it yourself.

Pots and kettles, eh?

Why should she have to say something?

Can you imagine if it was the OP who had vaginismus and she just lay there silently and let him try to put it in without acknowledging it at all!?

ThatFraggle · 15/06/2023 16:51

OP, you say a groomer playing a long game is laughable, but don't dismiss it out of hand.

Pedos and not just dirty old men wearing a raincoat with nothing else on underneath.

Blossomtoes · 15/06/2023 17:18

ThatFraggle · 15/06/2023 16:51

OP, you say a groomer playing a long game is laughable, but don't dismiss it out of hand.

Pedos and not just dirty old men wearing a raincoat with nothing else on underneath.

Paedophiliacs tend not to be very interested in 38 year old women. 🙄

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/06/2023 17:25

Definitely gently talk to him about it. It may be something easily resolved with time and patience and if he is a good man then it's worth it.

porridgeisbae · 15/06/2023 20:02

I think we can assume he lied/misrepresented himself, otherwise most men would say 'oh, that's never happened before' or whatever- a bloke not expecting it would've seemed surprised. In fact, even a frequently impotent bloke would probably feign surprise.

pendleflyer · 15/06/2023 21:16

2bazookas · 15/06/2023 16:01

When I read you have DC, I chilled.

IF he was a man uninterested in sex with adult women
IF he patiently groomed a single parent to gain access to her children

That would make perfect sense of the flirty phone sex , kissing and foldling that never leads to  physical arousal/PIV/orgasm. AND the fact he has never offered any discussion to explain a very weird  set of behaviours.

That's an incredible leap Sherlock.

ThatFraggle · 15/06/2023 21:31

Blossomtoes · 15/06/2023 17:18

Paedophiliacs tend not to be very interested in 38 year old women. 🙄

Show quote history

That's the point.

He's not visibly aroused when with her.

It is a well-known strategy that pedophiles will start relationships with women to gain access to the children.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 15/06/2023 22:23

Why should she have to say something?

Because she's upset, that's why.

Upset enough to ask anons on a forum.

And to reverse it- why should HE say something?
He doesn't have to have sex. Just because they had phone sex doesn't mean he has to have sex with her now. Maybe he doesn't fancy her and doesn't want to admit it. It's possible.

Imagine if a woman had phone sex and then didn't go ahead and have sex when they met. I bet the responses here would be VERY different.

OhForFucksFuckingSake · 15/06/2023 22:34

DeliciouslyDecadent · 15/06/2023 22:23

Why should she have to say something?

Because she's upset, that's why.

Upset enough to ask anons on a forum.

And to reverse it- why should HE say something?
He doesn't have to have sex. Just because they had phone sex doesn't mean he has to have sex with her now. Maybe he doesn't fancy her and doesn't want to admit it. It's possible.

Imagine if a woman had phone sex and then didn't go ahead and have sex when they met. I bet the responses here would be VERY different.

How would they be different?

porridgeisbae · 15/06/2023 23:43

How would they be different?

Presumably the PP is thinking because people can decide they don't want to have sex at any point. I once wasn't feeling horny at the moment he thought I should and was called a 'tease' by an older bloke who then stormed off.

But I don't think it's really analogous to OP's situation.

They are having 'sex' it's just bad quasi-sex due to his equipment not working.

myladydarbanville · 16/06/2023 01:23

Blossomtoes · 15/06/2023 17:18

Paedophiliacs tend not to be very interested in 38 year old women. 🙄

Show quote history

Plenty of pedophiles living with wives and children, having produced said children, and pedophiles targeting a single mother is a known thing. Happened to one of my friends.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 16/06/2023 07:37

How would they be different?

Because @OhForFucksFuckingSake posters would pile in and say a man shouldn't expect sex on the basis of phone sex, and be prepared to take things slowly.

If a man came along here and said his new girlfriend like foreplay but stopped short of having intercourse, everyone would say 'give it time' or 'talk to her'.
They would be sympathetic.

Pearlsaminga · 16/06/2023 12:32

2bazookas · 15/06/2023 16:01

When I read you have DC, I chilled.

IF he was a man uninterested in sex with adult women
IF he patiently groomed a single parent to gain access to her children

That would make perfect sense of the flirty phone sex , kissing and foldling that never leads to  physical arousal/PIV/orgasm. AND the fact he has never offered any discussion to explain a very weird  set of behaviours.

That didn't even occur to me but it makes sense, explains why he's put such a lot of effort into foreplay when he isn't visibly aroused by her.
With most men foreplay is something they have to do in order to get the main part that they want, it's the same here except the main part isn't penetrative sex with the woman.
What is motivating him to lavish all this time and attention on her when he is not getting sexual gratification?

cadink · 16/06/2023 12:34

I would ask - it might be nerves. Don't just bun him at least talk about it in a kind and supportive way. Some heartless responses on here!

Thesharkradar · 16/06/2023 12:37

His behaviour is consistent with wanting her to fall in love with him, to be completely blissed out with the sexual attention he lavishes on her so she's in a pink fuzzy haze and trusts him completely.
But he's not sexually aroused by any of it.
How do sex workers bring themselves to have sex with clients that they don't find physically attractive? They think of the money that's what motivates them, the sexual act that they perform is a means to an end, money in this case. I think the sexual acts that he is performing are also a means to an end rather than an end in themselves.

Pearlsaminga · 16/06/2023 13:22

And he’s very clearly into what we’re doing, but something either physical or mental is going wrong with the main bit
The main bit for you is obviously penetrative sex, for him there is a different main bit, I think op is being used as a fluffer for the main act but what is the main act?

DeliciouslyDecadent · 16/06/2023 14:20

Thesharkradar · 16/06/2023 12:37

His behaviour is consistent with wanting her to fall in love with him, to be completely blissed out with the sexual attention he lavishes on her so she's in a pink fuzzy haze and trusts him completely.
But he's not sexually aroused by any of it.
How do sex workers bring themselves to have sex with clients that they don't find physically attractive? They think of the money that's what motivates them, the sexual act that they perform is a means to an end, money in this case. I think the sexual acts that he is performing are also a means to an end rather than an end in themselves.

You're overthinking it.

He either has an anxiety issue 'stage fright' as it's called or a medical issue, or he's just not that into her but is so 'nice' (she keeps saying he is nice) that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

WhatTheFlipToDo · 22/06/2023 07:04

I’m bizarrely over invested in this thread! Any update, OP?

Swipe left for the next trending thread