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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

406 replies

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 09:41

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

OP posts:
Clymene · 09/06/2023 10:21

Why should she have to bring it up? He knows he has a problem.

NoSquirrels · 09/06/2023 10:22

It’s really weird neither of you have talked about it. That’s the weird thing. Because men can and do experience issues with getting/maintaining an erection but as it’s such an obvious thing you talk about it. I just can’t understand why you haven’t discussed it at all.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 09/06/2023 10:22

This sounds like a classic case of nerves getting the better of him. From what you've posted he sounds pretty inexperienced and that can be a big factor. After a while he'll become more and more relaxed and it will happen naturally.

He sounds great in every other way so don't give up yet!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/06/2023 10:23

You should be able to raise it kindly with him- how he reacts will tell you so much about his personality. Say ' I love intimacy with you and being close to you I'm wondering if we can talk about sex and what's happening....' pause and see if he fills you in.

I'd been keen to know

  • does he still get erections alone/overnight?
  • has he tried or would he be willing to try medicine or talking therapy for this?
  • does he see a problem here ie does he actually want to work towards having penetrative sex with you?

Once you've got this info from him you can plan your next steps. If he's not willing to do anything about the issue and sex is something you very reasonably want, then it's better to find out sooner.

Can you imagine if it was the other way round and a woman has vaginismus and it just wasn't talked about and a man was expected to stick around with no penetration and not even mention it or ask to try and fix it? They wouldn't.

rwalker · 09/06/2023 10:24

Unless you broach the subject with him one way or another it’s never going to be resolved
could he be a virgin
if he hasn’t bought it up now he’s not going to it’s down to you

Time4achangeagain · 09/06/2023 10:26

There’s a good episode of Esther perel’s podcast on Spotify about a couple where the guy has erection issues. I’ll see if I can find it. Ts a long marriage there though

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/06/2023 10:27

Newname2323 · 09/06/2023 10:14

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious Exactly the same scenario over here, my ex would say it's not an issue I just need to do x y and z. He made me feel like it was me, until I made friends with his ex when it was over and she said he had the same issues. Usually I'd be sympathetic but making two women feel as though it was them instead of his own problem made me lose all respect for him.

I completely understand. It's so unfair to try and make the problem someone else's fault. I get it could be embarrassing but then try to deal with it. Not make some else feel bad.

Whichwhatnow · 09/06/2023 10:28

My DH told me on our first date that he was asexual. I mean, it let me decide whether to go on with it! I obviously have but I'd be pissed off if I wasn't given the choice

Write2023 · 09/06/2023 10:29

Clymene · 09/06/2023 10:21

Why should she have to bring it up? He knows he has a problem.

Talking openly with sexual partners is just the norm for my relationships. I always talked openly about STI testing and monogamy and if they didn’t want sexual monogamy then to go elsewhere.

I’ve had two relationships were performance was an issue after a divorce. The men managed to get over the performance issues with a visit to their GP and viagra.

I just can’t comprehend having sex with someone I felt I couldn’t talk openly with.

Clymene · 09/06/2023 10:40

Exactly @Write2023. If you can't talk openly, you shouldn't be having sex. This bloke is nearly 40.

He and the OP have clearly had very open sexual conversations so the fact that he's just pretending that this isn't happening is ridiculous.

Warrensrabbit · 09/06/2023 10:46

As someone who has been in a relationship with no intimacy for 5 years (which I am try to leave) I would bin him now. He knows there is an issue and a problem- the onus is on him to fix it- or at least bring it up. The fact that he already has you worrying about how to approach this, and worrying about his feelings etc is so unfair. It is his problem - he either goes to the GP and gets help; brings it up with you and has a discussion about what he needs; has a discussion with you about what is going on and what he wants out of a relationship. The fact that he has done none of these things makes me so angry on your behalf.

thecatsmeows · 09/06/2023 10:48

I had this happen - a guy I'd known for ages, we were around the same age, early 40s...lots of build up, phone sex etc...and then when it came down to it he had the same performance issues. I was so angry for him not telling me, especially as I'd just come out of a virtually sexless marriage, which he full knew about. I'd been very vocal about how I wouldn't put up with that again... after a very frustrating weekend together I ended it. A female friend I confided in thought I was being harsh, but I felt like I'd been sold a 'lemon' as they say in the motoring trade! We aren't friends now, as I don't like being lied to...it may have been a lie of omission, but it's still lying. Like your guy, he'd had numerous opportunities to tell me (and also like your guy, he'd done nothing to try and resolve the problem).

PauliesWalnuts · 09/06/2023 10:50

I'd agree you have to raise it - although gently at first. My boyfriend was divorced for three years and hadn't had sex for ten (wife just went off it after kids) and he didn't really realise there was an issue until he was in bed with me. I asked to talk about it, but didn't push it too far each time. He agreed to try viagra off his own back, and although it doesn't agree with him too much (he gets flushed and indigestion sometimes) it did help him get an erection, and then my hand helped him get an orgasm, and that gave him confidence that things weren't completely "broken". We aren't completely sorted out - most times his erection disappears the minute it comes anywhere near my privates, and he's never been able to ejaculate inside me, but we have spent enough time talking and experimenting to learn what does make us happy. His penis definitely works, our problem is definitely a psychological one with him which we're still trying to get to the bottom of, but on the whole, three years in we have a really good sex life (different to most others though I guess) and he's absolutely my world.

What I would say is that it'll possibly depend on your ages - we are in our early 50s and sex is still very important to us, although we're not swinging from the rafters every night. And we won't be having kids, so I'd imagine that would possibly be an issue for younger couples.

If it helps, I remember the first night he stayed, and his erection kept disappearing, ditto the second night. The third time, I just gently asked if he could get one on his own (and he could), so I put his hand over mine and asked him to help. It kind of broke the ice and enabled us to talk a bit more openly. The important thing is not to let blame get in either of your heads - it's nobody's fault, and he wouldn't be there if he didn't like spending time with you or find you attractive. If he's really special then it might not be the end of the world, but just about finding what works for you.

Divorcedalongtime · 09/06/2023 10:50

He probably thought it would be different with you because he fancies yoj more…

I had a fling like this where it was quickly obvious that he couldn’t penetrate…

he was the best at giving oral though, my first time cumming without making any effort myself. So silver linings.

Whatisithatido · 09/06/2023 10:53

Given his history and lack of relationships I'd say he's likely gay and hasn't realised it yet or is in denial. Bin him off he'd not going to make you happy especially if he's just pretending there's no issue.

KarmaStar · 09/06/2023 11:42

TheSnowyOwl · 09/06/2023 10:01

I don’t think you can complain about him not talking to you when you aren’t raising it with him either.

Maybe he’s not had the issue before, maybe he thought he would be fine with you and is stressed he isn’t which is making it worse, maybe it’s always been an issue and he needs to speak to someone about it.

Talk to him.

Spot on.

Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 11:50

I absolutely will raise it with him, I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable to feel I’ve been “sold a lemon” as @thecatsmeows says above. The situation sounds really similar!!

I get that it must be pretty soul destroying for a man and that maybe he’s been in dnenial or hoping it will be fine. part of me thinks maybe there’s some nerve damage or something from his operation and maybe he didn’t really know. but then I think of course he knew! And even that doesn’t excuse not being honest with me instead of talking regularly about how very turned on he is.

I really do appreciate everyone’s input

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 09/06/2023 11:53

I understand your frustration. For me, it's the fact that you are the one who is going to have to raise it as he isn't going to. That would piss me off. Why should you have to awkwardly ask about something that is his issue.

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 09/06/2023 11:57

I've been in this scenario. It can make you feel really rubbish.
If he's single and you've had phone sex and likes talking the talk, is it possible he only gets his kicks from porn. In my experience porn killed the actual deed.
I think the comments about ditching him and him being gay are mean and unecessary (would they say that with a woman?!).
If you like him then do invest but only if he's willing to communicate.

Blossomtoes · 09/06/2023 12:00

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 09/06/2023 09:54

I'd go back to basics and take penative sex off the menu. Loads of kissing touching, then try oral both giving and receiving, then build it slowly. I would also try to talk about it and if he admits its a problem get him to go to the doctors. Don't give totally up just yet if everything else is good.

This. It’s exactly what a sex therapist would recommend.

Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 12:00

Yes. If I were younger I would definitely be blaming myself for not being n attractive enough. I’m old enough now to know that men don’t carry on like this if they don’t want to! But it does make you question things.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 09/06/2023 12:09

Blossomtoes · 09/06/2023 12:00

This. It’s exactly what a sex therapist would recommend.

Show quote history

Maybe to an established couple if anatomical issues have been ruled out. OP has no idea whether this is the case at all.

ReachForTheMars · 09/06/2023 12:14

Yabu to have actually expected him to have told you.

Yanbu to dump and move on. Personally at this stage in my life i cant be bothered working on things after 2 months of dating.

ReachForTheMars · 09/06/2023 12:15

What difference would it have made really? Youd probably have thought it would be different with you and youd still be at this point. You're only 2 months in, you haven't lost much time on this one. You know know so either work on it or dump and move on.

PinkPlantCase · 09/06/2023 12:20

I think you probably should have chatted about it earlier, maybe after the second time it didn’t happen.

But I think YABU to have expected him to have told you upfront.

Talk about it, get it out in the open. Find out what the actual situation is and go from there.