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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

406 replies

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 09:41

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

OP posts:
continentallentil · 09/06/2023 13:44

It's really odd this has been going on for 2 months and neither of you has talked about it!

So raise it. He may not have known this would happen with a partner if he hasn't had one for a while (it may not happen with DIY).

You are of course entitled to end it if you want, but if he's otherwise good then a try at viagra or a visit to the GP could come first.

porridgeisbae · 09/06/2023 13:50

I can’t think how he would tell you in advance, and likely it’s unexpected for him

@Lcb123 Unlikely it's the first time. They always claim it is, when it isn't.

He could've told her just by saying he can't do it. It would be one or two sentences.

'Before we get upto anything, I thought I should let you know I sometimes have problems getting/keeping an erection.'

Instead, he pretty much deceived OP with all the dirty talk about what they would do.

I get that he might've hoped things would be different this time for some reason, though.

Thesharkradar · 09/06/2023 13:51

continentallentil · 09/06/2023 13:44

It's really odd this has been going on for 2 months and neither of you has talked about it!

So raise it. He may not have known this would happen with a partner if he hasn't had one for a while (it may not happen with DIY).

You are of course entitled to end it if you want, but if he's otherwise good then a try at viagra or a visit to the GP could come first.

It's odd on the face of it but when you think about it... The first time it happens she will assume it's a one-off and she won't say anything, the second time it happens she will assume the same but each time this happens it's harder and harder for her to say anything (apologies for saying harder and harder)
Ahem, it becomes more difficult for her to mention it because she's thinking maybe he thinks I don't mind, because she enthusiastically enjoyed the rest of it thus giving the impression that the actual fucking isn't that important to her.😬

Naunet · 09/06/2023 13:53

Lcb123 · 09/06/2023 13:40

I’d say your mentality of it being ‘performance’ is a bit concerning attitude. I can’t think how he would tell you in advance, and likely it’s unexpected for him especially if he’s not been in a relationship.
if he’s a good partner and person otherwise then you need to discuss it in a non confrontational way, and not in any way make him feel he’s failing

Why? Why doesn’t HE need to be the one to bring it up and reassure OP that it’s not anything to do with her etc? They’ve only been dating 2 months, she’s not there to be his therapist.

Thesharkradar · 09/06/2023 13:55

He could've told her just by saying he can't do it
And she would go okay no worries... And never contact him again, which he knows full well so the only way he'll get any action is if he doesn't mention it and then she's too embarrassed/polite to bring it up 🤷

Zippedydoo123 · 09/06/2023 13:55

Can be not just agree to use Viagra? Though it does depend on his health history as to whether he can take it. Many men use it these days.

porridgeisbae · 09/06/2023 13:57

And she would go okay no worries... And never contact him again, which he knows full well so the only way he'll get any action is if he doesn't mention it and then she's too embarrassed/polite to bring it up

Yes and that would be being decent rather than lying to get what he wanted.

Mydogisamentalist · 09/06/2023 13:59

I have this problem with my dp, it’s been a year and I haven’t had sex since last August. Honestly it’s completely shit.

porridgeisbae · 09/06/2023 13:59

He could try viagra of course, worth a go. And maybe see his GP just to rule out the chance it's caused by any other condition.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 09/06/2023 13:59

A morning glory will let you know if he is capable of having an erection.

viagra is good and can be bought online.

ultimately, he needs to get to the doctor to have it investigated

whumpthereitis · 09/06/2023 14:01

He may be a good man, but two months in I would be moving on to find another good man that can also maintain an erection.

Naunet · 09/06/2023 14:01

Thesharkradar · 09/06/2023 13:55

He could've told her just by saying he can't do it
And she would go okay no worries... And never contact him again, which he knows full well so the only way he'll get any action is if he doesn't mention it and then she's too embarrassed/polite to bring it up 🤷

Ahh yes, manipulation, such a great tactic to use in order to get a relationship/sexual contact 🙄

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/06/2023 14:02

Naunet · 09/06/2023 13:37

So OP should just hang around with her fingers crossed? It’s been two months and he’s not talking about it, that’s why she doesn’t know if it’s the first time or not.

Show quote history

No, not at all. Personally, if it was me, I'd probably ditch the relationship now. It's not OPs problem to try and solve someone else's erectile dysfunction, especially this early into things.

But I just wanted to point out that he may not have lied by omission to OP, as according to her first post that was the thing she was most bothered by

newhaircut · 09/06/2023 14:03

Thesharkradar · 09/06/2023 13:55

He could've told her just by saying he can't do it
And she would go okay no worries... And never contact him again, which he knows full well so the only way he'll get any action is if he doesn't mention it and then she's too embarrassed/polite to bring it up 🤷

Yes, far better to lie about it or pretend its not a problem. Great solid start to a relationship there.

DoingSomethingUnholy · 09/06/2023 14:04

Unless you are looking for companionship like someone who is 90 might (that's really rude of me I'm sure there are plenty of 90 year old still up for it and getting lots 😆) joking aside unless you are happy to be in a sexless relationship there's just no point in wasting anymore time here. I hate to ask this but do you want any/more kids because if you're 38 there isn't much point in wasting time on someone who can't even start to attention.

It's really sad that this is probably why he never settled down, but that's not your problem. He knows it's an issue so probably strings women along until it comes to the point where things become intimate and then he's dumped again. Sad, but unless you can live without sex and don't want kids, not the man for you.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 09/06/2023 14:08

He should've told you. However, it may be that he can manage it with some people but not others - if he is desperate to get it right with you, it could make him nervous and unable to perform. So it may be that sometimes it's not an issue, and he was hoping. But yes, two months in you should be talking about it together.

VDisappointing · 09/06/2023 14:09

If there is nothing happening down there is there a chance he's had an operation and the blood flow is not working properly?

DoingSomethingUnholy · 09/06/2023 14:14

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 09/06/2023 09:54

I'd go back to basics and take penative sex off the menu. Loads of kissing touching, then try oral both giving and receiving, then build it slowly. I would also try to talk about it and if he admits its a problem get him to go to the doctors. Don't give totally up just yet if everything else is good.

Why would you take it off the menu, if he can't perform it's not her job to try and fix the issue!! This really isn't worth the hassle, thank god you didn't wait longer than 2 months to find out!

justasking111 · 09/06/2023 14:15

bonzaitree · 09/06/2023 13:31

You’re 38- way too young for issues like this.

Id speak to him once about it to give him the benefit of the doubt, see what he has to say the potentially end it.

Honestly if the sex isn’t amazing at the start then it won’t get better as time goes on.

Maybe I’m being too harsh?

No not harsh but honest. Happened to us OH operation caused ED it never came back. I was fifty. I wept an ocean.

Clymene · 09/06/2023 14:15

@fdgdfgdfgdfg - when it's happened to you, have you talked about it or do you just pretend not to notice?

porridgeisbae · 09/06/2023 14:19

@QueenAnnesLeftSock I wasted years of my life with bad sex or 'sex.' Seize the day and get decent sex when you can. Over time you're less likely to find men who are interested in you and capable of great PIV. Men have a higher chance of impotence the older they get, especially over 50.

Time goes quickly so seize the day and make the most of those good years.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 09/06/2023 14:19

This is why I slept with now dh before our official first date! I needed to know he was good in bed before I invested time and effort!!

Oreoo · 09/06/2023 14:22

Ask him to get some erectile dysfunction drugs. I hate how men pretend nothing is going on he obviously fancies you as he wouldn't repeatedly ask you to come round.

Oreoo · 09/06/2023 14:23

There's also penis pumps etc you don't need to suffer with it.

sweetdreamstenasee · 09/06/2023 14:37

if he’s unwilling to address the issue / seek help i’d be saying ‘I’m sad that it’s come to this but sex is important to me in a relationship, you have lots of other great qualities but it’s not something I’m willing to sacrifice. To be honest I wish you had brought this up with me sooner, and I’m hurt looking back at earlier instances of for instance, phone sex where I’m guessing you were faking which has left me feeling a bit vulnerable and uncomfortable. Thanks for the good times together but this isn’t for me, all the best’

Maybe this isn’t how you feel, maybe you are willing to sacrifice no sex. But in that message I’ve deliberately missed out any apology on your side like ‘I’m sorry it’s come to this’ or ‘i’m sorry I want to have sex’ because neither of those warrant an apology from you. I’ve also highlighted that you feel hurt it wasn’t addressed by him initially. Perhaps a sore spot for me as I had an ex who’s interest in sex with me stopped in our final year together and he made me out to be weird and gross for wanting it which came with a lot of shame it took some time for me to shake off.