To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

[QueenAnnesLeftSock]

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

It’s all such a shame, he’s such a lovely chap apart from this. It’s so difficult to find someone you really get on with and fancy! But I agree with everyone who’s saying life is too short for no sex. No, I def don’t want more kids, mine are enough for 4 parents as it is, thanks 😂

(I saod “performance issues” as it felt like a politer term than erection; I was a bit worried about people thinking I’m just a random pervert asking about sex stuff! I don’t think it’s just on him to perform like a dancing monkey.)

@sweetdreamstenasee thats a great way of putting it, a couple of you have really nailed how I feel. I’m fully reassured that I’m not being selfish or melodramatic to be bothered about the fact that he hasn’t mentioned it.

Some of you here are really, really unkind.

I haven't read through the whole thread but have you suggested he goes to see the doctor, or even just the pharmacist now. There are things that can help before you throw the baby out with the bathwater.

He needs to overcome any embarrassment and talk / do something about it rather than ignore it.

My husband was a 1 night stand when we were at uni 🤣 (nearly 19 years ago!). I'd wasted time dating people before and then found out they had a tiny penis. Thankfully I didn't have to resort to this try before you buy method more than once 😆.

I have had to lend a hand once or twice to get things going, especially when it's a FTF. I take it this didn't work?

Orrr bless him but he needs to go.

Keep in touch for concerts and coach holidays tho.

Could he be on antidepressants and underestimated the fact that they make you numb below the waist?

Just putting it out there but you're assuming he had 'performance issues' and had kept them from you. How do you know he hasn't got performance anxiety after the big hype leading up to the real thing.
I've had some fantastic phone sex before but been a bit anxious it (not just me) won't live up to my (our) expectation.
I think initially you need to establish if it's a pre existing condition (that he's hidden) or if it's just because he cares/it's been a while/ he's scared!

Talk to him

exactly.
otherwise surely men could reasonably expect CVs before the deed listing any perceived issues - slack or whatever.
am somewhat amazed at some of the responses on here, but then maybe shouldn't be after some of the instant machine gun advice in in the various relationships threads.
OP's original post fair enough - not dissing.

@BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers If I'm one of the posters that you are calling 'unkind' for not wanting an impotent partner, I can tell you that I spent 15 years in a relationship/married to a man who wasn't impotent, but who's foreskin was too tight and meant that he couldn't have sex without a condom as it was too painful...which also meant he also couldn't put condoms on properly. All it would have taken to solve this physical problem was for him to be circumcised...he refused to have the operation. I then got pregnant when a condom split and the morning after pill didn't work. He didn't want children, neither did I but I was the one who had the termination. He still refused to have the operation, I wasn't willing to risk getting pregnant again. End of marriage, I was 38. I vowed then that I would never have an ongoing sex life with a man who had any problem in that department that they were doing nothing to try and resolve.

Be kind? Be buggered.

He was purposefully deceptive. Intentionally created a picture he knew he couldn't fulfil. Hid a hidden disability/illness/health challenge fundamental to the relationship he was proposing.
I won't be surprised if he's hiding more stuff.

I had all this with my dp. We tried viagra but he said it gave him a headache. We are still together but no sex. I like him as a person, but if I wanted to sleep with someone else I would!

First time yes, in a "Oh god I'm sorry this has never happened before, it's nothing to do with you I promise", and then a mutual "Oh thank god" when it resolved itself.

2nd time was in a really bad relationship where we weren't really talking about anything, so it just got shoved in a box with all the other crap. The relationship did not last much longer. I then had a one night stand a few months later and it happened again. I hadn't brought it up because I assumed it was all tied in with the rest of the stuff with my ex. I was mortified but she was really great about it. We had a lot of fun doing other stuff and then when we tried again the next morning it behaved itself.

Third and fourth time were with my current DP. The third time was in the midst of my Mum dying so sex wasn't really a priority. When it became clear that it wasn't resolving itself though we talked about it a lot, we worked out ways round it and DP needed a lot of reassurance.

4th time was during Mother period of extreme stress. We didn't talk about it as much, as DP knew it wasn't down to her, and we just went back to what worked the last time round for a bit.

I’d bin him. Life is too short

That sounds like a healthy way of dealing with it @fdgdfgdfgdfg. Thank you for answering

I would be worried he was watching a lot of porn.

Talk to him, he sounds nice. But if he has a substantial issue then don’t feel guilty if it’s a deal breaker for you.

DS friend had issues got dumped because he was a gym nut who wouldn't give up the steroids which affects performance apparently

But he’s an adult, he KNOWS he can do those things already!

My instinct, and it is only an instinct, is that he has a bigger health issue than he’s letting on with the operation. And maybe there’s a physical cause for it which is why he’s been single for a while.

I will ask next time I see him, but now I feel justified in making the point that if there is a pre existing issue, it is now a much bigger one by not telling me. What a shame I was so excited when we started getting on so well but I was with my ex husband for so long and it was all so argumentative at the end that it has just been such a breath of fresh air to meet someone I actually like being with!

It is a real shame OP, especially as you said he seems lovely, but I think you’re probably right that it’s a bigger issue. He really, really should have been honest with you, he would have had a much better chance of you working through it with him I bet?

@Naunet he really is. He’s clever and endlessly thoughtful and kind, if I’ve had a rough day with work or the kids he always has unlimited patience to cheer me up. We talk for hours and laugh constantly. And I find him very physically attractive. Now I feel like I should have known it was all a bit too good to be true ☹️

I learnt to be unkind because of "nice" men that have tried to make me believe I'm lacking if they have an issue of any sort.
Fuck. That.

I don't think you were owed the information until the point where you were planning to sleep together tbh.

But they'd been planning to sleep together for ages, with all the dirty talk of what he was supposedly going to do etc.