Health visitor has made me feel shit

[elm26]

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

YANBU. You sound a great Mum, and you’re doing everything right! Hang on in there- you’re doing a grand job at a very tough time.

I’m really sorry about your miscarriages, OP.

Congrats!! You sound like you're doing really well. There's always things to worry about but it's amazing being a new mum too, enjoy how special it is!

Please please request someone else. I'm well past the baby years now but the healthcare visits were just awful for me. I was told it was 'weird' that my child didn't eat solids when asked to hand them a baby crisp. Now in hindsight I think these people do more damage than good. I also had a health visitor who looked about 12 years old and not having had children herself telling me how it should be

Another with adult 'children' whose HV talked absolute nonsense. One such diagnosis of deafness by her was laughed at when we took the baby to see the doctor.

You sound like you’re doing brilliant! A loving and competent mother. It seems very hit or miss with health visitors as to whether you get a good or bad one. I would just smile and nod and don’t let her words get you down.

Our NCT leader said the best thing you can do for a child’s immune system is have a dog in their first 2 years of life.

Pet fur and all, the exposure to a range of bacteria is doing them good!

I had a pre-birth HV come to see me before my son was born in December, she told me it was because it was my first child and they needed to make sure I was prepared.
It was actually pregnant with my third child and it was the most pointless ridiculous hour I've ever spent. It was in the middle of the work day, she was 40 mins late without notice and got huffy when I said I then only had 20 minutes for her as I had meetings scheduled around the visit.
I have had two children (this one included) who have had pretty serious health issues as newborns and all have been dismissed by HVs as normal. I know there are some gems of HVs out there but I've never met one!!

OP you sound like you're doing a bloody amazing job and I wish I looked as gorgeous and well as you so soon after birth. So sorry you had to go through such a journey to get your beautiful baby, I hope you read all these responses and don't give this idiot health visitor another thought.

Oh and we have a dog too, and play mat time is our favourite!!!

congratulations 🎉 and please don’t let this awful woman get to you.

the health visitor I had was overly critical and just plain wrong too. The guidance around these things gets changed all the time and they have to be so stringent nowadays because they’re worried about something going wrong and them getting the blame. It’s overkill and beyond common sense.

One thing to be aware of is shops do sell things that are dangerous for babies. My health nurse wrote to the manager of a bug baby chain shop to point out how dangerous one of the products were that they were selling. Their response "its not my job to educate the public on safety". I also went to a baby expo where they were selling thse pod sleepers, which everyone was buying, I was tempted myself. I later found out from another mum in my baby class (she does alot of research on everything), that they are a high risk for SIDs.

I can remember reading something when mine were babies about regularly waking them up to feed them, and thinking "This would be total insanity". My three children all survived the dreadful regime of not being woken up and being fed when they were hungry.

Honestly, you have to wonder whether anyone giving that advice has ever actually looked after a small baby for any length of time. My babies were pretty terrible sleepers, if I'd woken them up to feed them every two hours then they would barely have fallen asleep by the time they were due to be woken up again. That couldn't be healthy by any stretch of the imagination.

Just don’t listen. Some HV are great, some aren’t. My twins were two months prem so I had the joy of extra HV visits when they were discharged from hospital. I tried bf but my lb couldn’t latch very well and I was absolutely exhausted so my milk was rubbish. Every week she weighed them they hadn’t put enough weight on and she made me feel like crap. After a night where they tag team fed literally alllll night I went out and bought some formula. Went cold turkey with bf (not advised but here I am telling the tale) & started bottle feeding. Next visit they’d put loads of weight on and she said to me ‘well done mum! You’re finally doing something right!’ I delighted in telling her that’s because I’d ditched the boob and given them a bottle. She could not compute that they’d put weight on because I’d done something that wasn’t recommended. My twins are now happy, healthy, robust nine year olds. More importantly the second I started ignoring the patronising HV was the second I started enjoying being a mum. Ignore her and enjoy your baby x

She sounds batshit and was probably jealous of you!

My HV was lovely. Made a big fuss of my baby and then of my dogs. Comments were only positive…. and I did everything that you are doing apart from the Moses basket. Including the dog, but I have two and they are both crazy and the perfect prep which is so bloody useful that we have one in the bedroom and one in the kitchen. Never had any issues with it and I always recommend them to expectant friends.

Fuck her.

❤️ What a gorgeous baby, dog, and you! You look amazing having just had a baby.

Honestly, what you are doing is absolutely fine. You soon learn that what works for you is the only thing that matters. It will drive you crazy worrying what everyone else thinks.

Having suffered from infertility myself but now have a child, I think these things can hit you hard. It’s all you’ve wanted and you so want everything to be perfect. As long as you’re all happy and healthy, you’re doing everything right.

Oh OP 😢 get a new HV. You can request a new one! I did, and the second one I got was incredible, I actually looked forward to her coming. FF baby, couldn’t bf as I had breast cancer, used a perfect prep because life was hard enough as it was, two labradors that my baby adored and spent loads of time on the floor with. I am a very anxious mother that had antenatal anxiety and depression then got a breast cancer diagnosis when my DD was tiny so I was really struggling and my second HV always made me feel like I was winning. She was an angel. Don’t suffer with this twat when there are good ones out there, and don’t let her make you feel like you aren’t good enough when you’re doing an amazing job ❤️

Oh lovely
the advice above is spot on. Smile and nod smile and nod. If your small at birth baby is hungry, feed her. Why would you wake her? She’s not excessively sleeping. do you get hungry when someone else tells you to be?
your doing a fantastic job from the sound of it. I didn’t have a health visitor, we slipped off the list which I struggled with at first. Stories like this make me thankful. Can you go to the local clinic instead of her coming to you? Might be preferable?

The every 2 hours may be because she was quite small , one of mine was the same weight and in the beginning we were told to wake him every couple of hoursbut only for the first couple of weeks .

His younger brother was even small 4lb 4 and 8 weeks early and we started off doing the same, it didn't work for him though he fed much better and had more left to hos own devices and going 3-4 hours so the hospital staff were happy with that. Waking him every 2 hours and spending an hour trying to get enough down him just wasn't working for either of us !

Baby sounds like she's doing really well, putting on weight and the mw is happy with how well she's doing

Like I said earlier, all my health visitors were lovely so I'd request a new one. Its totally unacceptable that she's worried you with talk of cot death because baby is sleeping for 4 hour stretches!

She sounds so stupid and uninformed. Please complain.

Dog hair is not a concern. Those playmats are great to get babies active. My cat loved it and shared it with the baby!

The mattress protector is supposed to be under the sheet - where else would it go and if it's flat and under a fitted sheet what's the issue?

You should not wake a healthy baby every two hours. The biggest risk factors for cot death are baby sleeping on front and smoking parents. I'm sure you're doing neither if those.

Blimey OP, your set up there looks a million times better than ours was.
My (now adult) DD was said to be 'not thriving' according to the HV. She tutted and huffed everytime she was weighed/measured, said she was very concerned, particularly that she wasn't growing lengthwise. Told me to feed her extra cream in her baby porridge..made me keep extensive food diary etc.. Really had us spooked. Referred me back to the GP who seemed surprised but passed her up to the consultant at the hospital. Consultant asked if my husband was a tall man. I said no, he's tiny, both leaner and shorter than me. 'Well, I guess she takes after her dad then,' he said. And that was that.

You sound like a lovely mum and I love the pic. Congratulations on your beautiful girl.

My first HV was very similar. I ended up at the GP (who was fabulous) bursting into tears. I never had to see her again.

You do not have to have/see a health visitor - although for many new mums -especially 1st time mums- it can be a positive support.

However your current HV sounds like a nightmare and actually it sounds as though she making you worse, not better and certainly not being supportive.

You can call the team or surgery and ask that you are allocated a different HV and that you don’t want this one to come any more. If they ask why, you could just say you don’t feel her advice is based on current up to date methods and that you don’t feel she’s supporting you in a positive way.

If you’d rather, you can always go to the clinic for weigh-ins, instead of her coming to your house.

Tell them every thing you just wrote, ask for a different HV and highlight mental health issues flagged and she should have been WAY more sensitive!

My first health visitor was horrible- very anti breastfeeding, didn’t like BLW etc. I’ve since had another 4 children and 2 more HV’s, both have been lovely and approachable which makes a huge difference. Ask if there is another HV at the practice who you can switch to.

It sounds like you've been through a horrific time and I'm so glad your little one is here safe and sound after so much loss.

It's such a shame you're not finding her supportive- I love my hv she's been really reassuring and I think it would have really affected me if she hadn't have been. You can request a new one or opt out altogether it's a voluntary service.

That being said, we were told not to get a perfect prep machine in our antenatal classes, the issue was because some people found mould and bacteria building up in the back of the machine which could compromise your bottles. The midwife said its fine if you clean inside the back regularly but she said not to bother because what new mum has time for that. So that put me off, but I think she should have explained it properly to you as to why.

My ds lost weight initially and then he was really slow to gain back his weight so we were put on a 2 hrly feeding plan until he gained back over birth weight. I did it for the first maybe 6 weeks but then he started to wake himself when he was hungry so I just let him sleep until he needed fed. There is research to suggest that bf babies are less likely to be affected by sids but realistically nobody truly knows what causes that so the working theory at the moment is that it's because they wake up more often at night because they need to feed more often. So I can see why she's said it- but it's only a theory so I think it's OK to give you the info, but she shouldn't be putting it across in a way that makes you feel bad. There's so many reasons why people ff that are totally valid and you don't need to explain yourself. I personally would have woken ds up to feed though I know loads of people wouldn't and sometimes I was like why the flip am I doing this when other babies his age were sleeping through and I looked like an old sofa! So I think you just make your own judgement call on that and let the amount of wet and dirty nappies and weight gain steer you.

I have a spaniel too. Babies who grow up with pets are less likely to have allergies. If you're hoovering thoroughly which it sounds like you are then you're doing as much as you can. My hv has never once commented on my dog other than how lovely he is (he's not calm he's 2yrs old) but she has a collie so I think that's personal tolerances coming through. I would ignore that one completely as long as they're supervised as you say then it's grand.

The mattress protector is weird. I had one on everything including moses basket because ds spit up and pooped through like a champ... I've never heard any reason not to do that as long as its a decent fit.

Op it sounds like you're doing amazing and your little one is super cute! Not one of us is 'perfect' it doesn't exist and so much of parenting is trusting your gut. Definitely go to your classes, hopefully you'll meet some other lovely mummies and your lo will enjoy the stimulation!