Health visitor has made me feel shit

[elm26]

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

I’m SO sorry this has happened, she sounds awful. However, she is so irrelevant, honestly. You’re 2.5 weeks into this crazy but beautiful journey called motherhood. Everything feels overwhelming, including this incredibly horrible woman coming into your home and criticising you but I can tell you now that in 10 years time, even 1 year’s time, maybe even in 3 month’s time, you will look back and think to yourself “why did I let her bother me?” Only YOU are your baby’s mum and YOU know best. You’ve got this, keep going and as hard as it is PLEASE don’t let her get you down x

HV can be idiots. Some of them are so stuck in old wives tales and such old ways. Please don't listen to any of the advice she's given. This is coming from a mum of 2 and you will always come across the odd person like this. Don't be disheartened mama! And you most likely won't be seeing her again, so many HV are changing every appointment. As long as baby is fed and happy and safe that's all that matters! Please if you need to talk more you can always phone and request to see another HV for peace of mind and I'm sure the next one will be lovely!

As pp said, please ignore her! I had two hv’s, the first one hated the perfect prep machine and the explained how to ‘properly make bottles’. The second one said she didn’t mind it but actually showed me how to properly clean it to avoid any bacteria build up. She then offered advice on how to feed on demand as my baby didn’t show any feeding queues.

I was told that once my baby has regained her lair birth weight then I could do responsive feeding. So if she was asleep then I’d let her sleep and feed her when she woke up. If she wanted more milk an hour after feeding then give it to her. My hv actively encouraged me not to wake my baby for milk unless she wasn’t feeding and gaining weight.

I also have a dog and had a soft playmat on the floor. The hv just did the normal friendly reminder to not let the dog lie on the mat and to always keep watch. She said it was a tick box that they had to complete but as she got to know us, she realised that the dog and babt were never left alone and that my dog liked to keep herself separate.

The most important thing is that your hv should never have made you feel that way today. She may have been saying things in too harsh a tone and giving some outdated advice but really, there was no need tk upset you.
You can opt out of hv but I would suggest you sleep on it and then contact the hv department and ask to speak to someone else. You can ask to change hv. My friend asked to change for a very similar reason, it wasn’t questioned when she explained how awful she had been feeling. The next time someone new came out and they gelled much better.

She sounds awful and honestly it sounds like you're a great mum! Your little girl and your dog look so cute. Ignore her, complain if you feel up to it, and go along to your planned activities where you'll meet lots more of us who have had similarly awful HV experiences!

What on earth have I just read? Babies to be woken and fed every two hours? Utter nonsense. I had mine on every 3 to 4 hours within about a week of birth. My excellent HV taught me how to stretch the gap between feeds at night so by 4 weeks I could get 5-6 hours of sleep in, with DS1 at least. Mine were on only 6 or 7 bottles but of 4 or more ounces each time very early. My HV was supportive and very practical - yours sounds awful.

I don’t know anything about perfect prep machines other than my niece has one for her baby. The HV can give her views - but I’d just crack on, if I were you.

HV with DS2 was useless- frightened the life out of me after measuring his head at 8 months and saying it was too small only for specialist to say he was fine. If I’d had a third I would have avoided visits.

Beautiful photo OP - you're doing great! Health visitor sounds like a miserable so and so and also talks shite.

What a beautiful little family, congratulations OP!! You have one very proud looking pup sibling :)

Ask for a different HV, they are really not all like this. Mine was a fantastic support and immediately took steps to address the feeding issues we were having - which the midwives had been no help with at all.

The advice to wake baby after a couple of hours to feed may well be because your baby was low birth weight. I'm no expert, but I do know of others given that advice and their babies were small/premature.

You're doing an amazing job, don't let this one person put you off asking for help/advice if you need it.

Absolutely shocked at the quite frankly dangerous advice being spouted on this thread. Please op, use reputable sources to research further regarding feeding amounts and frequency, mattress protecter and the prep machine.

You are doing amazing. I would request another HV and make a complaint.

What a stunning photo …

I had a mh history prior to giving birth so get why you want to not look suspicious .

I had 4 Hv’s in my Ds’s first 2 years for various reasons one left- one was dire but then moved twice . They alll I would say we’re different. The third was amazing.. so they do vary..

trust your instincts .

my Ds had jaundice so needed waking every 3 hours 2 seems excessive. If baby keeping down the 3 1/2 oz if they are you are fine

..
Enjoy the baby you have wanted so badly

When I had DD1 I was asked to show the HV how I made up bottles.
With DD2, another made an unkind/unhelpful remark and I literally showed her the door.
The same one told a friend of mine thar her house was too tidy, she wouldn't be able to keep it up, and it was a sign of pnd. This was a woman who had had numerous miscarriages and literally had spent 12 weeks in hospital on bed rest.
Honestly, it sounds like you are doing brilliantly. Keep on doing it.

You're doing a great job, the every 2 hour feeds could be because your baby is light in weight, when I had my daughter, she only weight 3.5 pounds born 6 weeks early, when I could take her home when she weighed 5lbs, I had to feed every 2 hours small meals , as a normal feed she would bring in all up, the midwife said because she is small her tummy couldn't take a full feed yet.

I was open to the mental health team when pregnant. Refused to see any health visitors after the initial couple of months after birth. No repercussions here! Similar experience to you and just decided I wasn't going through that again.

I don't have much to add that hasn't been said but I just wanted to stop by and say that you look bloody amazing. 2.5 weeks pp, I looked more like your dog.

I bet you're doing great, thats really awful she was so picky. I remember the HV asking me if I was going to get rid of my cats as they spread disease, I still have my cats, they sniffed my newborn, she played on the carpet, never had a problem.

You poor thing! I am so cross for you. I’m in my 50s and my advice is really don’t worry about being nice all the time, you are under no obligation to let a HV into your home. This person sounds deeply unpleasant. Trust your own mothering instincts and enjoy your baby.

I have 3 grown up kids and had one nasty HV, one sensible HV and didn’t bother the third time. For the third one I just had the baby weighed at local clinic (it had a regular come weigh your baby session with midwives or nurses can’t remember).

Seems to me you are doing a great job.

Just saw the photo, maybe HV was cross/jealous you weren’t in a pair of pjs looking desperately in need of a shower like many of us (me). 😂

Congratulations! She’s beautiful (as are you and your dog! Gorgeous family).

Sounds like you are doing a great job!

OP I’m nearly 10yrs postpartum and I wish I looked as bloody amazing as you do!!! What a beautiful pic. Many congratulations!!

re: HV. I’m betting she has to say x/y/z to cover her back. But you know what? I think you are doing just great. Just smile and nod.

my HVs were lovely, and I know many HVs who are also lovely (my mates). Hopefully you will see a different one of the team next time (if you opt in). Take care of yourself xx

Lovely pic and congratulations on your bundle of joy! The best advice I ever got was trust your instincts. You sound like you are doing a great job so just keep going with what YOU think is right. Mums know best!

Ignore her op - what a load of claptrap! You're doing just fine so tell the HV to bugger off.

Congratulations on your baby she's beautiful. Ignore the health visitor you sound like your doing great. Either smile and nod along or ask for another one. I don't agree with the post of refusing a hv altogether. Because of your history it looks like a red flag to professionals. Keep doing what your doing and enjoy your baby.

Some HVs are awful, some are amazing. With my first the HV told me she would be coming back on a bereavement visit if I carried on co-sleeping. I was so upset and my husband was furious! Like yours they just picked at everything rather than try to be supportive. With my youngest the HV was really helpful when he had a medical issue. Just smile and nod.

I’d ask for a different HV, though TBH you’re not obliged to see one at all.
As for feeding, follow your instincts and your baby as to how much and how often. I’ve known HVs have some really weird ideas about feeding - one told a friend that she must treat her big, very hungry baby of barely 2 months ‘like an alcoholic’ and restrict his feeds! Clearly bonkers.