Health visitor has made me feel shit

[elm26]

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

Tell her to fuck off!

I swear Health Visitors 101 training is how to make new mothers feel shit and put them down. Most talk utter bollox.

I actually told one to leave my house, I was far politer than one lady I know who literally threw the same health visitor out of her house.

Don’t let her get to you, you don’t have to see them or you can demand a new one. You sound onto things, keep that up.

My favourite visit was late one Friday after having my first, my DH got home from work early and I handed him the baby & bottle with formula and went and opened a bottle of wine in front of her. She asked what I’m doing I said it’s Friday night I’m having wine and he’s on baby duties. She didn’t know what to say especially when I said I’m going to start expressing milk to pour away, I wanted to keep my supply up but obviously couldn’t give it the baby she was already unhappy I was mix feeding straight away and not exclusively pushing the breast feeding.

Just remember the fact this has upset you shows you care about doing things right, what’s right is what ever feels right for you, no one else.

sounds like everything you are doing is perfectly fine. I'm shocked at the comments she made about cot death I honestly cannot believe she'd be allowed to say something like that especially as it's complete utter bollocks! i left both my babies a good 4 hours to sleep both perfectly fine. she doesn't sound the full shilling to be honest and needs reporting. I definitely wouldn't allow her back. put a complaint in about her op.

Congratulations! I believe it has been shown that growing up with exposure to pets and specifically pet hair actually reduces the risk of developing asthma and some allergies.

Oh lovey. I’m so sorry this happened. She sounds like a silly old cow.

I’ve been around loads of new mums and nothing you’re doing sounds off at all.

You and your baby are bonny and happy. Congratulations.

My health visitor told me I smelt of stale milk (baby was forever bringing milk up). Made me cry and feel utter shit.

I’m not saying lm mother of the year but l disagreed with everything she said -l have 9 week old twins. Don’t let her get to you, not sure why she’s got such a bad attitude and wrong advice

Gorgeous picture of your out of control dog, an unhappy baby and worst mother of the year!

This! My husbands first degree is in biochemistry and he maintains this is the case. We have a few cats ourselves

Health visitors are fucking weird, I don’t know where they find them. Ignore her. Women have been caring for babies for literally millions of years by instinct alone. I’m sure you’re doing just fine.

there’s a great saying in life, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’

What a beautiful photo - perfect family shot!

Late to the thread so you know your HV is rubbish and YANBU. But just to add - my DTs were born early and weighed between 3 and 4 pounds. We couldn't establish breast feeding (apart from a few ml expressed while they were in the hospital for the first three weeks) so they had formula from the start. I got them home from NICU after three weeks, and they were on a routine 4 hour feed and I was told never to deviate from that. Maybe they were 5 lbs in weight when I got them home, I forget (15 years ago).

There was a calculation I had to follow which was based on their weight - so xx ml per day per ounce or something, I'm sure that hasn't changed. But the nurses in the baby unit were adamant I mustn't give in and feed DS (heavier and hungrier) until the four hours were up, otherwise he would get out of sync with DD and I would have no life outside of feeding babies. So they told me to use a dummy (which I never wanted - but was actually a godsend). I stuck to that four hour routine and fed both at the same time, propped up their bottled with blankets and sat by them reading a book. So easy.

So the specialist nurses in the intensive care baby unit have no problem with feeding every four hours! What is your HV on about?

I know BF is different and babies feed less and more often - but with formula (while maybe not our first choice) you do at least know exactly how much they have had and whether you need to keep going to reach the target.

Also - the babies in NICU are fed room temp milk so mine came home not expecting anything warmer. I obviously kept the made up bottles in the fridge but would just blip them in the microwave (fine as long as you shake it well and leave it a bit) or for night feeds I'd stick the bottles in warm water in the sink for 5 mins.

I used to make up 12 bottles every evening (the nurses told me that was fine even though the formula makers say not to on the tin) - during the day I washed them as they were used and then sterilised them in a bucket of Milton that sat on the side of the sink (or if in a rush we had a microwave steriliser too). I boiled the kettle to make the formula and was told to put the made up bottles straight in the fridge to cool down.

Please ask for a change of HV asap! You are doing brilliantly, enjoy your new baby!

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Ignore her, just nod and smile next time she comes then do whatever you want.

I have a 14 week old, he was feeding every 3-4 hours overnight at around 3 weeks old, he now sleeps almost 10 hours, no way I’m waking him up!

I use a prep machine also.

when we were using the Moses basket we had a mattress protector on (same with the next to me crib and the pram bassinet mattresses).

I’m pretty sure the health visitors job is to make new mums feel rubbish!

I don’t have kids & Not by choice, but You can complain about this person. Sounds like she just read a book & spouted out “info” without Any real knowledge. My sister has had 7 kids, five surviving, I wouldn’t dare to push in & give such ridiculous, awful, judgemental views on her & neither should this know-it-all supposed Health Visitor. Has she had kids herself? Sounds like Not. You are doing Fantastic, & as Retired Psychiatric Nurse I praise your Mothering Skills, your Beautiful baby, supportive Husband & ridiculously cute dog. You go Girl, You are doing Great!!!

Our health visitor came in and immediately told me I was holding him wrong while breastfeeding, even tho the midwife who visited had helped me find the right position due to my dodgy wrist. She then told me about her HV colleague who just had a cot death that week… I was terrified.

When I requested help from the HV team during covid due to some challenging behaviour the sent the same health visitor. Have to say she was so supportive and helped us get on the waiting list for an autism assessment.! She listened to us without judgement when we had zero family support!

She sounds horrific. Do not let that woman in your house again!

Since when had 5lb 15oz been considered 'tiny', though? 🤔 My eldest DC was 5lb 5oz and she definitely wasn't tiny. 😅

What a beautiful picture . I had similar criticism with my second baby , struggled to feed and apparently I was doing everything wrong . Shame the HV did not spot the tongue tie that was causing the problems . Follow your instincts you are doing a great job .

Do not have her back in your home. Complain about her conduct to her supervisor too.

Oh and my first baby was very prem and the nurses bottle fed him every 4 hours on the dot . Changed him , tucked him up , and that was the routine . He was so easy to look after when he eventually came home .

Please don’t prop a bottle up- risk of choking or microwave a bottle, they can have hot spots and cause burns- totally NOT fine.
making up bottles is ok as long as they are prepared correctly, stored in fridge and discharged after 24 hours.

lots have changed in 15 years with sound health promotion advice which I believe was given by the HV in this case.

Actually - 15 years ago those things were still warned about. It wasn't the dark ages.....:-)

With twins you don't have much choice re propping up bottles with blankets, but if you are right beside them and hovering so you can act if anything goes wrong then the choking risk must be no different than any other scenario.

Also we were all warned about microwaving bottles due to hot spots - that hasn't changed either. But the nurses said if you are careful not to overheat the bottles and allow them time to stabilise and shake them well it was fine. We aren't all idiots. I agree you need to know and understand the risks. Bear in mind I was only heating to room temp not any hotter, but you are right about the need to be aware.

OMG you, your beautiful little girl and your dog look absolutely gorgeous happy and healthy and you sound like an amazing mum.

Go with your gut, hold your baby and feed your baby when she’s hungry whatever way works for you both. If she’s content and steadily gaining weight you’re doing great.

i had twins, one was tiny at birth, thankfully very healthy, good feeder and sleeper but was incredibly slow to gain weight - even now at 7, he’s a great eater, small for his age but v healthy, sharp as a knifeand very sporty.

when they were 6 months I had a scheduled visit from a HV and a trainee. I had met the HV before and she had been not overly friendly.but ok.We had just started weaning, he wasn’t overly keen and I asked for advice and they ripped me to shreds - apparently baby rice was the devils food. The student also claimed he was ‘covered in eczema ‘, they got me a prescription for shedload washes and ointments. His skin was flawless - my lovely GP had always remarked on my kids skin asking what I used to look after them. She checked him over that evening and confirmed that his skin was perfect. I cried after their visit. I’m not a young mum and fairly confident and they really knocked me for 6. I often said that I wonderedwhat effect would a visit like that have on a young girl or someone with depression. - bitches.

Ring your GP and say you want a different HV (because your current is a bit of a dick) because it’s affecting your mental health.

I don't often comment but PLEASE request a different visitor. If midwives are happy - sounds like you're a really safe, aware and caring mum!
If you feel brave enough - file a complaint as she may be treating mums like this in general.

Also - I did not look half as good as you just after having a baby! You look fantastic!
If baby is hungry - giving her milk is fine! I had doctors tell me I was giving son too much milk so we reduced and he was hungry, ended up really stressful because he then couldn't sleep because he was so hungry.

Honestly sounds like you couldn't be a better mum if you tried - baby girl is lucky to have you.

My first baby was also 5lb 15oz, born a little early due to him not growing because of my placenta too so sounds very relatable. I also formula fed and went through hell from people judging and commenting for the entire first year.
My first health visitor wasn't great and I felt like you've described. But her replacement was the loveliest woman ever! She helped me when I experienced PND and helped me access support when my child stopped gaining weight and required prescription formula.
There are some incredible HV's and some incredibly terrible ones too.
Please don't take her words to heart. Your daughter will be ok and she will thrive because you and your husband are doing your best which is all any good parent can do.
My son is now 12, really healthy, still a beanpole and full of energy and silliness. You have got this, you're doing great.

On Mumsnet, HVs are hated more than dogs, and dogs are really hated, so you’ve come to the right place @elm26. 😂

Anyway, YABU to look so fabulous. Congratulations on the birth of your baby. 💐

I've had a variety of health visitors over the years. Some were amazing and others were utterly shite at their job.

I moved my daughter to her own room at 5 months (guidance states 6 months to do this).

Her moses basket became unsafe and unusable.

She filled it from the top of her head to her toes and was wriggling down to the bottom so her legs were hanging out and it was tilting downwards.

I had no space for anything larger in my bedroom and I thought for the sake of 4 weeks it was pointless buying anything else in any event when she had a cotbed ready to use.

Well you'd think I'd pegged her on a washing line to sleep.

At a routine check up HV asked how sleep was going so I mentioned she was sleeping much better in her cot and explained the noses basket situation.

I was told I was putting her at risk of SIDS.
She needed my breathing pattern to regulate her own.
It was unsafe to leave her sleeping unsupervised. (They are technically unsupervised anyway when we are sleeping?!)
I should consider buying another crib and shoehorning it into my bedroom.
I should consider buying a camp bed/airbed or just sleep on the floor of her bedroom for a month.

Utter madness. She was 5 months not 5 days.

I had the baby monitor switched on
The doors were always wide open
The actual distance from my bed to her cot was THREE METERS despite being in different bedrooms.
Cot was on the opposite side of the room to radiators and windows and the room temperature was fine (spring time so not too hot or cold)
Always put her feet to the bottom and used a gro bag that fitted well rather than loose blankets.
No pillows, no bumpers, no bedding, just a fitted sheet.
I'd clearly done my research and applied it to our living situation and made an informed choice.

She was so patronising and clearly lacked the common sense to deviate from the rule book and consider the wording of the advice she was giving on a person by person basis.

She could have just said I have to remind you that current guidance states 6 months onwards is the safest time to move them to their own room, please make sure you are doing X, Y and Z and be aware of safe sleeping guidance. She's still done her job and told me correct guidance, without telling me I will potentially kill my baby.

It is handy to have a HV contact, if you ever need advice further down the line about general development/weaning that kind of thing. If you have a decent HV they can be really supportive and useful for signposting other services you may need.

I would put in a complaint about her and request a different person. It would also put your mind at rest about not wanting to come across like you are refusing the service/feeling like you look suspicious. Perhaps do it by email and keep it factual. She has got a job to do, and she has to advise you on certain things, but there is absolutely a way to do it without being condescending and fear inducing.

I really wouldn't allow her in your home again.

I would advise against making a complaint professionals in child care: health visitors, teachers, nursery staff are very quick to report anything that could be seen as “failure to engage.”
If you can have someone there with you on her visits a family member, friend even a neighbour she might be more polite with a 3rd party. Nod, smile, acknowledge she’s a nasty piece of work with issues that are nothing to do with you as a mother.
After a few more weeks. Say thank you so much for all your help but my mum/MIL/sister are going to be here to help now but I am happy that if I need more help I won’t hesitate to ask.

As a midwife, I want to say it sounds like you have everything as it is supposed to be