To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

This is a bit of a red flag re: your husband. You need him to have your back at a vulnerable time. For example, you will need him to advocate for you during birth, and gatekeep visitors afterwards while you are recovering. At the moment, baby is a part of your body. You are not public property and what you say, goes.

I'm sorry, but I agree with your husband.

It's his baby too?!!

Hmm funny one. Yes it's your body but I do think it's a bit odd to leave it too long and I get what he means about feeling like he's lying when he talks to them.

I would compromise and agree to tell them after the 20 week scan. There's no real reason not to.

We live abroad and waited until after the anatomy scan at 20 weeks for both our children (although some of our friends here knew for our second because I was in hospital a lot and they helped with childcare for my eldest, I also had a pretty obvious bump!)
Both families were so excited that they didn’t mind that we hadn’t told them earlier. I had a lot of complications early on and I didn’t really want to tell people until I was sure everything was ok.
If you’re 16 weeks then presumably it’s only a matter of waiting another 2-4 weeks anyway (although I can see why your partner is excited and wants to tell people too).

I agree you mum and MIL will feel incredibly hurt when they eventually find out and realise you've kept it from them

Totally agree with your husband. I’d have told my parents if I were him. It’s his baby, and his news too. Not fair to ruin it for him, and put him in a position where he’ll hurt his family’s feelings etc.

Ok, so do men get a say over whether a woman terminates a pregnancy? No, and rightly so. OP is pregnant, not her husband. Do you think it's ok for a man to override the wishes of his pregnant wife when it comes to her medical info?

@Sapphire387 that's exactly it - it feels like my medical information he's sharing, which for him is just exciting news like when we told people we were engaged. But to me it's something physically happening to me, I just feel protective and private over that information.... it's strange.

He just wants to tell his parents she's pregnant, he wouldn't be sharing any medical details!

I kept my third and fourth child quiet unless I actually saw anyone.... even my own siblings. They lived miles away so only found out when they saw me with a massive baby bump... one I didn't tell until after the births. I didn't want people knowing and that was that. My husband respected that. His family lived closer and found out sooner than mine but it was never common knowledge as in wasn't on social media or anything like that.

That is categorically not what PP even suggested FFS. They will both become parents in 24 weeks time, he wants to tell his parents and that is absolutely his right.
YABU OP, your family might be really hurt you’ve kept it for so long, and speaking from someone with experience- if the worst happens you will need your friends and family to support you anyway so that seems a nonsense argument.

After the 20 week scan is what I'm suggesting, so as someone else said, it's not much longer to wait.

Also if we wait until then we can tell our Mum's in person, which I think would be nice.

I can kind of understand both sides here. One I agree your opinion and feelings comes first. However I see it from your husband's perspective I would want to tell those closest to me.
I also think there is an underlying issue which is you sound like you might have prenatal anxiety/depression.

I thought you were going to say you were 8 weeks or something, but at 16 weeks I have to say I think, assuming you have a normal loving relationship with parents, that it's a bit strange to have not told either set of parents. I couldn't imagine telling my
own mum at 20 weeks!

Of course it's your body, but he's not telling you what to do with your body. He quite understandably wants to let his parents know about major life news.

Oh don't be so ridiculous - not even comparable!!!!

If the wife's wishes were reasonable, that would be ok - this is just irrational.

@adriftinadenofvipers why is it 'irrational'? Genuinely, wondering why you would describe it as such?

Oh dear. How dare a silly little woman ask her husband not to share her medical info? Perhaps you should be questioning what sort of a man knows his wife is uncomfortable but just says I don't really care, I want to tell my mum? Not nice.

Ooo tough one!

I can definitely see your side of things, but also his - it's exciting and a huge part of your lives, it is understandable he wants to be able to tell those people closest to him.

In the family members positions, I'd think 20+ weeks would be a slightly unusual time to tell people but I'd have zero feelings apart from happiness for the couple.

Could he tell his parents and siblings and you not tell yours? That's a sort of 50/50 compromise?

I don't see whats so unreasonable about what he's proposing you will both be parents very soon he just wants to share that news and let his nearest family know about probably the biggest thing going on his life right now.

I would query you to consider goodness forbid what if you get some bad news at your scan. If you would you want the support of family then surely better they know?

Why do you keep saying sharing her medical info, he wouldn't be doing that!

Because OP is the one who is pregnant. She has a baby in HER womb. It is her body we are talking about. Therefore in my opinion, she gets the final say on who knows, and when.

Well, you're correct that it's your personal medical information he'd be sharing, if you want to look at things from a data protection angle, rather than a human/familial one.

Quick question though - if and when the news emerges, later rather than sooner in this case, and your mother and his mother get very upset, would you be okay with your husband telling them, "now to do with me, I wanted to tell you much earlier but had to respect @whiteslemonade 's wishes. It was her decision entirely. Go and talk to her if you have an issue with it."?

Would that be an acceptable response?

Tbh while I appreciate that medical information is quite personal, modern culture takes it to a really weird extreme, as if no-one can ever talk about anyone else's body ever.

Agree with your husband it's unnatural and strange.

I would look at this from his POV - it's not just that he is living a lie (although it's a fair point) but you're also denying him the opportunity to seek support for his own new, changing role in life.

He isn't able to ask his father for tips on adjusting, he isn't able to confide in his close friends about any nerves/fears he may be facing, he isn't able to get excited with his siblings about the new addition to the family.

I do think it's a horrible and weird artifact of our society that we talk about pregnancy as a "private medical event" which robs it of all of the social meaning and cultural significance of a new life. I'm broadly pro-choice but I think this comes from the weird pro-abortion online culture of recent years.

Yeah I don't agree with that. Any decisions about her body are hers, but telling people you as a couple are expecting a baby is something for both parents-to-be equally IMO.