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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

382 replies

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 15:31

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

OP posts:
Frenchfancy · 07/06/2023 16:26

One thing to consider is how are you planning to parent. Do you want to be equal parents or do you think that your husband should bow to your decisions? This maybe the first decision you are having to make together as parents but I guarantee it won't be the last.

But as with many things, this too will pass. In 24 weeks time you will either be wondering what the fuss was about or you will have forgotten about it all together.

Flymetothemoon2000 · 07/06/2023 16:27

Lots don't find out until they've given birth that there is something different about their baby/disabilities etc. I know two recently who were born with down syndrome despite having good odds and not showing at the scans.

I think you're coming up with excuses. When I lost my baby at 24 weeks, I had a whole heap of support and that's because people knew.

I couldn't imagine stopping my husband from telling his family. Its his baby too. He needs support. You're just thinking about yourself and not how is he feeling,.

Be warned: if you can't agree on this now, there is no chance that you'll agree on things when baby arrives. All this United front is bull, you just want things your way.

Hugasauras · 07/06/2023 16:27

I think dads can get a bit of an unfair time on here. This isn't a 'pregnant women should always get their own way thing' but a shared couple experience type of thing. They are having a baby together, they are both going to become parents, and I think it's very unfair that he isn't allowed to share his excitement or seek support from his parents or close family.

It's not about bodily autonomy or medical info, it's about a major life event that will have an impact on both people in the couple, and the fact OP is going to end up in the situation where random people on the street will see she's pregnant but her own parents or in-laws will be oblivious 🤷‍♀️ I find that very odd and I'm not surprised her husband finds it upsetting. But I don't get the sense this thread was done out of a genuine willingness to see the other side or consideration of compromise.

At the end of the day, it's his life information to share if he wants to.

FlamingoQueen · 07/06/2023 16:27

Perhaps he is just excited and wants to share the news with his family. Could you just tell your Mum and the in-laws, but no one else until 20 wks?
I was vomiting all the time so had to tell immediate family sooner than I wanted to, but they were still excited.
Congratulations though!

thecatsthecats · 07/06/2023 16:27

I know it feels like medical info, but it's not just medical info. It changes your lives, your relationships with them etc. And it is his news too.

I do honestly understand that the medical part feels icky to share. And I am sick to the eyeballs of people telling me all the horrible symptoms they predict for me.

But I wouldn't be comfortable telling my husband to lie by ommission about something so huge. I had trouble enough in the car ride home with my dad when he picked me up so I could tell him and my mum at the same time. It's your pregnancy, but his impending news too.

Holly60 · 07/06/2023 16:28

YABVU to your poor husband. He is going to have a baby and he wants to tell his closest family.

You need to do what you need to do but you shouldn't be telling him what he can do with his own news.

xogossipgirlxo · 07/06/2023 16:28

So, for him his family being hurt is more important than hurting you? My husband wanted to tell sooner, but I wanted to keep it quiet for few more weeks so he did. YANBU.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 07/06/2023 16:29

I didn't announce until 20 weeks. It was nice keeping it between ourselves. I'm surprised so many people think it's unreasonable!

Nordicrain · 07/06/2023 16:31

I agree that the pregnancy is your medical information. But the fact you are having a baby is news you both share. On this basis I think YABU to refuse to let your husband to share life changing news with his family.

DappledThings · 07/06/2023 16:31

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:05

But I don't want to tell anyone yet. That's the whole point of this disagreement. This isn't a solution.

Show quote history

You don't need to tell anyone. You don't need to discuss it with his family yourself if you don't want to. You just need to let him talk to his own family about his news which is not your conversation to control.

Original poster
whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:32

We were in total agreement about not telling anyone until about a week ago. I think people are acting like he's been desperate to tell people for months, when that isn't the case. We're talking about 4 weeks difference here of when to tell, people are acting like he's been in misery and secrecy for months and that isn't reality.

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 07/06/2023 16:32

Sapphire387 · 07/06/2023 15:37

Ok, so do men get a say over whether a woman terminates a pregnancy? No, and rightly so. OP is pregnant, not her husband. Do you think it's ok for a man to override the wishes of his pregnant wife when it comes to her medical info?

Show quote history

Maybe he should just tell him that he is going to be a father. It is okay for a man who contributed his personal DNA and genetic material in order to create this child and who will be the biological parent to this child and likely also an involved and contributing parent to share that with family.

Original poster
whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:33

I think these responses have clarified that I won't be changing my mind on pre-20 week scan. I suppose if he goes behind my back and tells anyone before that (as someone up thread suggested) then that's his choice, but that would have serious consequences for our relationship as it would be a huge betrayal of trust.

OP posts:
SeeingSpots · 07/06/2023 16:34

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:32

We were in total agreement about not telling anyone until about a week ago. I think people are acting like he's been desperate to tell people for months, when that isn't the case. We're talking about 4 weeks difference here of when to tell, people are acting like he's been in misery and secrecy for months and that isn't reality.

Well you rather conveniently left out that you'd initially agreed not to tell anyone and he was fine with this up until just 7 days ago...

Original poster
whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:34

xogossipgirlxo · 07/06/2023 16:28

So, for him his family being hurt is more important than hurting you? My husband wanted to tell sooner, but I wanted to keep it quiet for few more weeks so he did. YANBU.

❤

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 07/06/2023 16:35

Agree with the husband

WhenPidgeonsAttack · 07/06/2023 16:35

I didn't tell anyone until I was 36 weeks, and that was only immediate family, all the extended members didn't find out until baby was a few weeks old. DP was fine with it, and whilst people were a little shocked/upset they soon got over it and understood, (mostly) why we didn't tell anyone.

I was in constant contact with family btw, I had a very small bump until about 35 weeks and it was getting a lot harder to conceal 😂

Original poster
whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:35

@SeeingSpots Sorry, I genuinely thought that was implied by my original post about me being unsure of what we would do with the pregnancy for a while. It's been very recent that he's decided he's ready to tell, and I am not.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2023 16:35

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 15:53

This is exactly it. I don't want to be overwhelmed by other people's reactions when I'm still feeling very strange about it all, and still adjusting.

Show quote history

Which is why I imagine he's struggling. He's excited and wants to tell people. You don't in case... you still have time to change your mind.

Could he be worried you'll choose to not complete the pregnancy?

And yes that's your choice, but it's unfair to expect him to not care.

Macaroni46 · 07/06/2023 16:36

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:32

We were in total agreement about not telling anyone until about a week ago. I think people are acting like he's been desperate to tell people for months, when that isn't the case. We're talking about 4 weeks difference here of when to tell, people are acting like he's been in misery and secrecy for months and that isn't reality.

But 4 weeks is quite a long time. I think YABU.
What makes you think you'll be ready to tell people at 20 weeks anyway? How long do you actually need? When you get to 20 weeks, will it be a case of, I'm not ready, make it 24?
I think you should tell both sets of prospective grandparents now or if that's too soon for you, at least compromise with your DH and go for an announcement at 18 weeks.
FWIW I couldn't have imagined not telling my mum straightaway and we weren't even that close. Besides, I was so sick anyway that it was blatantly obvious that I was expecting.

Maray1967 · 07/06/2023 16:37

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/06/2023 15:35

I'm sorry, but I agree with your husband.

Why? If my husband had told anyone before I was ready he would seriously have regretted it. It is the pregnant woman’s news - not his.

It doesn’t matter that the parents and siblings don’t know until 20 weeks. What is the problem? I delayed telling relatives for quite a while after several mcs. No one asked why we had kept it quiet - they weren’t that stupid.

Cheeseplantt · 07/06/2023 16:38

We didn't tell anyone about our much wanted & planned DC3 until I was 20 weeks - including our teenage DC as I wanted to make direct everything was OK first. I even managed to keep severe morning sickness under wraps too.

We were both happy with this & no one minded when we did tell them.

usererror99 · 07/06/2023 16:39

Must have been very hard for him to have waited for you to make up your mind about whether or not to continue with a planned pregnancy - I feel a bit sorry for him to be honest? He's finally allowed to get excited about becoming a father and you're still holding him back.....

Original poster
whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:40

@Maray1967 @Cheeseplantt - I'm glad everyone was supportive! This is what I'm confused about with other posters who are talking about being upset and offended, would anyone genuinely be nasty to a pregnant woman and her husband about this? I can't imagine being that self-centred about someone else's baby news.

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 07/06/2023 16:40

I think the fact that is isn't allowed to have his own feeligns about it is an issue. It is very controlling to tell someone how they have to feel and to tell them they are betraying and hurting you if they have their own feelings and feel differently. As much as you are upset that he isn't sad and confused about this, you actually can't control the fact that he might be excited to be a parent. You can hate him and try to punish him for not feeling how you have told he can feel but at the end of the day if he is excited to have a child, then he is.

It is quite sad for him and the child yet to be born that you are upset that there are any positive feelings towards the baby and being parents. At least when the child is born, one parent will want them.

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