To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

I think you are being a bit precious I'm afraid. It's his baby too. Even though you've explained that you told your manager for safety reasons, it still doesn't make sense that he can't tell his own mum.

@Butchyrestingface I realise this isn't your fault as you don't know our families but I would be very surprised if their reactions were as over the top as you're suggesting.

I know his siblings will be happy for us, uncomplicatedly, whenever we tell them. His Mum would definitely understand - my husband's step-brother and his wife also announced at 20 weeks about 5 years ago, and neither my MIL or FIL were upset then. This is why I'm confused at my husband saying he thinks they're going to be upset - there's no evidence this would be the case.

My Mum would be the most upset, and she would be my 'problem' to navigate anyway, and even then I can't imagine it will go beyond her asking why we chose not tell her earlier. Once everyone knows we didn't tell anyone until this point, I think they will get over it (although probably will think it's a strange choice). They know me, and they know us, and I've spoken before I was pregnant about how I will probably keep it quiet for a longer time than most others.

Do your parents and in laws have other grandchildren? If this is a first grandchild or niece/nephew you need to remember that it’s an adjustment for everyone.

Something else to bear in mine is that the later you leave telling people your new, the more likely it is that your close family will have holidays or other events planned around the time when you give birth.

Do you both get on with your families? If so, I think you’re being a bit weird to insist on not telling your families yet.

I think you are being unfair to your husband. His parents are going to be grandparents, he is going to be a dad. Of course he wants to share that news.

I don't know anyone who has waited that long to tell the general public never mind their closest families!

I think they will be very hurt and expecting him to pretend it was his decision too when it clearly isn't, is even more unfair.

I feel weird about this. The baby isn’t some dirty secret and that’s what you’re treating it like. He should absolutely be able to tell whoever he wants he’s about to be a father.

Yanbu OP.

I'm a different sort of person and I basically told everyone by around 10w both times...but that's my decision as the pregnant woman. I'd have been furious if my dh had told me when I should/shouldn't tell people. It's my body and I'm the one struggling with miserable morning sickness, low BP etc etc. Pregnancy is hands down the most awful thing my body has gone thru including my c section. You do whatever helps you get through it.

Also if you believe you might seek a late termination if there were severe anomalies at the 20w scan, I totally get why you wouldn't tell people beforehand: you won't want them sharing their opinions/judgement etc if applicable.

But I don't want to tell anyone yet. That's the whole point of this disagreement. This isn't a solution.

Dont be pressured by what anyone else expects from you, and what anyone else expects you to feel. You are the one that is pregnant, and going through all that entails physically and mentally.

I would actually take some time to yourself, possibly with a counsellor, and consider what it is you’re thinking and feeling, as well as what you want.

Kindly, I think you would benefit from speaking to a professional. You sound a bit ambivalent about the pregnancy. I do think it's strange that your dh cannot tell his mum given you're 16 weeks.

Not the first grandchild for my in-laws, it will be for my Mum.

No issues with the events around the birth - we wouldn't have my Mum (or his!) as a birth partner for example. We live far away so aren't planning on relying on them for any care etc.

We do get on with them, really well (have holiday-ed with them in the last few years for example), but I don't think this has anything to do with getting on with them or not.

I think if you're seeing them face to face at twenty weeks, that's a good enough reason that you've delayed telling them, we wanted to wait and tell you the news in person.
I do think it's a bit unusual to wait so long, and I can understand your husband's frustration he's excited, you don't seem to be, he wants to share that

I agree with your husband but each to their own I guess.

I can see both sides and ultimately think that your partner should support you, as pregnancy does take a toll on the woman and you are the one having hormones to deal with and all the other delights that go with pregnancy. My view might be skewed by my own DH who liked to over share announcing how dilated I was etc.!!!
Like others have said it’s his baby too, so as a united team it would be good to compromise, so if he supports you on waiting until 20 weeks, you could agree to telling siblings and close friends if he wants to them as well.
A couple of things it might be worth considering, would you want a lot of support from those who you haven’t told? If so, would you find it more overwhelming to share the pregnancy news alongside any ‘bad’ news. Also, I noticed you said you are going ahead with the pregnancy, did you have some reservations and if so have you dealt with these?
It’s such an exciting time. I hope you can overcome how your feeling and enjoy it.

We didn't tell anyone until after the scan at 20 weeks with both of ours. It's each to their own but he should back your wishes. End of.

They know me, and they know us, and I've spoken before I was pregnant about how I will probably keep it quiet for a longer time than most others.

This jumped out of your posts. So it's not actually because you fell pregnant quickly and need time to get your head around it, you always intended to keep it as a secret for a large part of the pregnancy?

It's interesting that people are suggesting I speak to a professional - I actually see a therapist once a fortnight and have done for years, since my Dad died. We've discussed the pregnancy extensively, and she is on supportive of me not announcing until I feel ready to share the news. I'm very well cared for from that perspective, and very aware of any mental health concerns. Thank you for the suggestions though 😊

You are the most important person here, as the one who is actually pregnant. As exciting as he may find it, his primary concern should be you, and supporting you.

What if he told them and then said to keep it a secret from you? He'd get support and the excitement when he needs it and you can carry on coming to terms with things.

I think YABU! It's his baby too, and a new family member for all of the family. Yes, it's your body but you are a couple and I think you should think about him as well.
If anything bad happens you will need friends and family.

I've lost 2 pregnancies and if I ever get pregnant again I know I won't have any of that excitement, it will just be worry so I really think this is your time to bask in the happiness and tell everyone you love.

I think if something were to be found to be wrong at 20 weeks, we're both certain we would not continue the pregnancy, and for me I know I would find it easier to announce that I had been pregnant and wasn't anymore than to have to break bad news to excited people. That's just the way I deal with things. I also wouldn't want lots of support from people - again, I know the way I deal with things. I think this may be where my husband and I are really disagreeing, he may need more support from family than I would in that circumstance. I think I'll talk about this with him.

Thank you - I've so far not found it very exciting and mostly just very stressful and confusing, I hope I can start enjoying it soon as well!

I totally get where you are coming from. I got pregnant a lot quicker than anticipated and if I’m completely honest didn’t really know how I felt about it. Unfortunately we saw family fairly regularly so had to tell them sooner than I would have liked. My entire pregnancy was then various family members telling me what they thought I should and shouldn’t be doing. I hated being pregnant anyway and found this incredibly intrusive.

OP how would you feel say in 30 years your child tells you they were pregnant at 20, 30, 40 weeks pregnant. Would you be a little sad that you didn't know sooner so you can enjoy that special time?

I would be sad as a mum and I think its a bit precious to say your private medical information. It's telling them you are having a baby. Not the size of your vagina for goods sake.

This is his baby too, his life is going to change massively, he is excited and wants to share the news with family. Fine if you don't want to share it with friends but most people would tell their siblings and parents!! This is not your private medical information, that's a very strange stance to take on this. You're turning a happy time into an unnecessarily tense one.

You seem quite controlling. Are you seriously stopping your husband from telling his own mum he is going to be a dad?!

That’s enough internet for me today

Best wishes to your husband

Your pregnancy details - your business.

Him telling his parents he’s expecting a child - absolutely his business.

YABU