To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

I think you’re being very controlling and even the language used in this post is controlling.
You’ll tell your mums and YOUR siblings and ‘maybe his if you feel ready?!?!’ WTF!! So you’d tell your siblings and deny him telling his!

It horrible and I think I’d be absolutely devastated if my daughter waited till after the 20 week scan to tell me! We told my mum and husbands mum on the day I did my test… I can’t imagine withholding info like that… my mum actually came with me to my 20 week scan and again to the 4D one and 32 week scan.

I feel sorry for your husband not being ‘allowed’ to share this news! Sounds like you’re not very happy and don’t really want the baby.

I've read most, but not all. For background I have 4 kids, but have had 4 miscarriages. Weirdly my last pregnancy was successful, so I wouldn't go back in time and change a thing as that would mean I wouldn't have the wonderful kids that I have now.

I say this to explain my perspective. I TOTALLY get your point, but many don't understand this until they've lost a child. For me my last experience resulted in a 4th child, BUT you are so not being unreasonable to not want to share to the world. When you look more deeply into the world of successful pregnancies until the last 2 decades it was unlikely most women would survive more than 4 kids. Yes we hear of massive families but until recently these were the exception, and far from the norm.

So keeping this private is soooo ok. 80% of friends who I don't see on a daily basis were gobsmacked when I announced the arrival of my 4th. I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Don't be pressurised into advertising something that even with today's supposedly modern sciences still has a massive mortality rate. I really don't want to be depressive. Giving birth is natural. But if you look at the figures......

Good luck and may this go well and you really enjoy you little one.

@whiteslemonade I guess you won't be showing your poor husband this thread will you!

Not to be negative but I just want to share my experience. I went for a gender scan and found out my baby boy had passed. I had not let my husband tell his family or friends. Very few people knew and honestly it was incredibly lonely after. I felt so much guilt that his family never got to feel excited about their grandchild. I wish so much that I let him be excited and share our news to people.

💐

First of all congratulations!! Bit of a shocker by the sounds of it.🥰 don’t know if it helps but me and hubby were married for 8 years before we had our child (and that happened by accident!!). You do you darling. Don’t let anyone
tel you otherwise xxx

Jesus. After everything this poster put on this thread, she outdid herself with this comment. Fucking hell.

I absolutely get where the OP is coming from and agree that her husband should respect her wishes. I didn't find out that I was expecting my DD until I was 16 weeks and since it was a complete shock, I felt I needed time to get my head around it without hearing anyone else's opinions/ideas/advice/congratulations when I wasn't completely on board with it. I was about 20 weeks when we started telling people, simply because I was starting to show - if I could have kept it quiet until after the birth, I would have done so! When I was expecting my DS, I didn't tell anyone until I was 20 weeks when the bump started to become visible. No one seemed to mind and it meant that the pregnancy seemed to pass a lot more quickly as I only had 20 weeks of being treated as a pregnant person! I think you should have full veto over this OP - it's your information to share or withhold as you see fit.

Glad you appreciate my point of view!

Good news to share is good news when both parts are willing. You not feeling comfortable should be enough for him to back out.

Presumably, he understands that having a family of his own might mean that he might ruffle some feathers to lay down what you both feel right for your child(ren). All in all. His feelings aren’t the most important. His family feelings aren’t the most important. What you both feel should be your decision so he should compromise.

he knew you were private when he married you 🤷🏼‍♀️ You In Laws too. I don’t see any issue respecting that part of you at a vulnerable time.

This is a good point.

People have accused the OP of being too controlling, but perhaps her DH wants to manipulate things by telling other people so she feels pressured into not changing her mind again.

I mean, if he told everyone, there is a risk that one of those people would be like @adriftinadenofvipers and judge the hell out of the OP if she then exercised her right to choose and decided she actually didn't want this.

I appreciate how horrifying it is... but I suspect that's not what you meant.

The OP isn't a handmaiden-esque incubator. Until the earlier of 24 weeks and the OP deciding she definitely wants to do this, she can change her mind for any reason. There is no advantage into forcing a woman to continue with a pregnancy when she doesn't want to do so, whether that's because the 20-week scan showed the pregnancy wasn't viable, or because she simply changed her mind.

The OP has the absolute right to do what's best for her physical and mental wellbeing, and at this point in her pregnancy, her DH can only offer his thoughts, not tell her what to do.

Seeing as he wants this baby, the smart thing to do would be to stop stressing out the OP with talk of telling people, respect her wishes, and allow her to think about the pregnancy in a nice, calm state of mind. The pregnancy might have been planned, but it happened quickly, and the OP is still processing that emotionally.

You can't control everything about a pregnancy, but you can attempt to keep the woman calm and happy. I don't think any doctor has ever recommended stressing out the woman carrying the child as a way to make the pregnancy safer...

Actually I don’t think you are being unreasonable to want to wait until after the 20 week scan. We told our parents at 8 weeks both times (lost the first pregnancy but second successful)
I would probably wait a bit longer next time because I wish I had a bit more time to fully process the pregnancy and my anxieties before having excited soon to be grandparents put extra pressure on me. It was hard being anxious about the pregnancy whilst having everyone else super excited and positive when I still needed a bit longer to process. I’d probably wait until after the 12 week scan next time which is quite normal.

I totally get that your family may feel a bit taken back or hurt that they didn’t know sooner but personally I think that you should put your feelings first. They should understand that you needed time to get your head round things and anxiety so wanted to wait until you knew the 20 week scan went OK.

I do understand your husbands point too and it sounds like he is more excited than you which I know can be hard.

The only thing I would say is in your first post you mentioned telling your parents and siblings and his “if you’re ready” I would probably be a bit offended by this if I was your husband which of course is the baby’s parent too. So I would say, have your 20 week scan and then agree together that both of you can now share the pregnancy news with others.

Also if you ever feel overwhelmed with others reactions or if people talk to you about your pregnancy too much and it makes you feel uncomfortable - you are well within your rights just to tell them that you need them to take a step back x

I'm not anti-abortion at all but the idea of terminating a planned pregnancy this far on just because you changed your mind, doesn't sit right with me. I suspect the marriage would take a hell of a strain, if it survived that.

Can I just point out to, there's no indication that her DH is "telling her what to do". He's telling her what he wants to do. He's allowed to have feelings on the matter too.

I’d say YANBU! I had my baby in October and didn’t want to tell anyone till I wanted to!! I actually hated telling people because I found the OTT reaction over bearing but I think this was because I couldn’t believe I was actually pregnant and having a baby for the first few months. I was also sick almost every day and didn’t enjoy pregnancy so I hated it when everyone was going on and on - I just generally didn’t want to talk about it! After I got to about 30 weeks and had a bump, felt lots of movement I felt slightly better! Everyone’s different though!

OP is it possible you're still having mixed feelings about the pregnancy and when you tell family it officially becomes real for you?

Yes, they were - they were fine with it. It is not someone’s right to know about someone else’s pregnancy - I genuinely am astonished that some folks seem to think it is.

What you’ve asked of your DH is absolutely fine - mine understood exactly why I wanted to wait.

This is exactly how I felt as well. No one in our families could have supported us at all if things had gone wrong - that was very clear to us after our ivf failure and our first mc. MIL wouldn’t listen when we explained the mc was probably happening, just kept saying it would be fine, and then cried down the phone when we confirmed it two days later - how was that supportive?

Some folks have called my attitude emotionally manipulative because I would have gone ballistic if my DH had told people before I was ready - but after everything we’d been through he understood entirely. Quite frankly, upsetting your pregnant wife is not the best way to start your parenting journey and it is very sensible to wait for the 20 week scan.

I understand your husband's point of view but I also understand yours. You were not planning the pregnancy and need a little more time to feel comfortable with the reality of it.

Although it's the OP's husband's baby too, she is the one that is carrying the baby and I think her feelings should take priority.

She was planning the pregnancy - it just happened sooner than she expected!!

That is a medical detail?!?!

What is he phrased it as "I'm going to be a dad" 😅

…?!

Technically not mentioning anyone's "medical details"

Sorry still not quite sure what you’re talking about