To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

I understand your husband and his desire to share such great news with his family. Even if you aren't sure everything will be okay, his family may feel bad that they couldn't support you.

Your body, your health, your pregnancy, you decide.

So if he is alllowed to be positive and excited about it? How can he show those feelings? How can be express his exceitment over becoming a father?

You said there would be serious consequences should he not do what you tell him to do- and that is that he isn't to be positive or excited or show that in any way or else he will betray you and you will consequence him in a serious way.

That is not how people talk about a partner that they care about.

I am guessing though that he is pretty used to being controlled and living by your rules and being punished if he doesn't. That approach to a relationship doesn't just pop up over one thing.

So if you say he was on board with not telling anyone for at least another 4 weeks but had a total 180 only a week ago, have you asked him why? Do you know his feelings on this?

You do come across as pretty much not bothered about what his feelings are but I would have thought it was more important to understand his point of view than the validation of strangers on the internet.

This is really unfair. And really inaccurate.

I am sorry for your loss.

We had a loss too and hadn't told anyone. When I then miscarried it was super hard to first have to tell them I was pregnant and then that I wasn't anymore. Neither is easy, but I wish they had already known.

It is also information about his life changing in a major way. There has to be a balance between your desire to keep things private and his need to seek support from his community.

For starters, he should only be allowed to share details about the health of the baby. Any details about your reaction, physical or emotional, to the pregnancy are contingent on your consent.

OP without wanting to sound nasty are you sure your happy with having this baby?

Referring to it as your ‘medical information’ isn’t not a normal way to describe it and yes while you may have concerns and want to wait for certain tests I do think you are being unfair to your husband a bit. It’s natural for him to feel excited and want to share your happy news with the world. It’s going to be a life changing event for him too just in a different way.

I was very shocked and because very depressed upon finding out I was pregnant. No one really understood that and I had next to no support. People can’t see beyond ‘happy exciting baby news’ and I was treated as a freak for not feeling that way. I think unless anyone has processed strangely negative and perhaps unexpected feelings around learning of a positive pregnancy test, they won’t really understand how you feel, OP.

Became very depressed*

Last time I had experience of this, it wasn’t my husband that took pregnancy test, saw midwives, was booked into hospital, gave birth

off course it’s medical information

right now he does not have a viable child. He has a wife who is , and has been , growing the SINGLE CELL he provided into a living human being. It’s her body only that is doing that, form her own blood, bones and fat . She is the one who can feel the baby quickening, not him. She is the one that will be receiving medical care to give birth to a variable baby.

don’t talk such twaddle that it isn’t medical information

many women who have experienced pregnancy loses keep pregnancy quiet until after the baby really becomes viable. Do you criticise them? Do you criticise women who very sensibly wait until 12 weeks min until the common pregnancy loss risk is past? There’s no rules, and certainly none made by you, that says when a women announces her pregnancy. But it’s HER pregnancy, not his, “we” are not pregnant, ever. So, her feeling about people commenting about what is happening inside her body, which happens automatically when you announce a pregnancy (“can you feel it yet), her shape ( oh, your carrying it high it must be a boy, gosh you’re big/ small for x months ), her symptoms (are you getting sickness, varicose veins, heart burn , etc etc) are HER feeling and it matters not a fuck what anyone else thinks. It is her decision, about her body.

Right now no one can see the baby- just her changing body and that’s very exposing to some people

when the baby is being held by dad, as a viable independent living human- sure he can crack on and talk what the hell he wants about his child.

Your last paragraph is really unpleasant. Remember you’re posting to a newly pregnant woman experiencing complicated emotions around said pregnancy…

How odd your way into pregnancy and don't want to share. Sorry much as your feeling rough its not just your baby and acting like this is not your right. I couldn't imagine with any of ours not telling family once the safe weeks had passed. Your taking enjoyment and excitement of a new life away from them. Instead of a beautiful thing making your relationship stronger your making it separate you right now and need to fix that. And wherever you read about people not saying anything till birth is a very uncommon thing

I think it's a bit strange to not want family to know yet. I understand not announcing to everyone, but we told our parents in the first few weeks. To us we felt it was logical to tell people who we would tell if it didn't work out, so we would tell immediate family and closest friends as we would want their support. I think most people tell their parents before 12 week scan even to be honest though it's normal to not announce to everyone too early (and sometimes not at all)

Based on a lot of posters above, it sounds like the man should have NO say whatsoever...

It's her body, her right. She has the right to keep it or terminate it... basically, they're all saying that complete control of the baby's life (including, in this case, publicity of its existence), is absolutely 100% the woman's say.

By that logic, the man has no rights and no say whatsoever, and as such should not to contribute in any way to its existence and/or upbringing?

I think 20 weeks (almost halfway through) is a very long time to wait with the closest family. Ofcourse it is your body and I can understand you feeling like you want your wishes respected, but your Husband is excited and over the moon to be a dad and just wants to share that excitement with his family. Could you compromise and agree only parents and nobody else and explain to them you are still fetting your head around how quick it happened?

“I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it.” I think this is such a weird perspective to have. At the end of the day, that baby wouldn’t be in your womb without his input. I feel bad for the bloke and your families, I can see the path this is taking.. no one being able to visit for weeks after baby is born, no one allowed to hold the baby etc.

I sort of understand what you mean, it does feel odd that it's all happening to your body and people around you are honing in on that, but honestly the further in you get there's just a lot of poking and prodding throughout pregnancy. It's not a very private or dignified experience but you've just sort of have to go with the process. You'll most likely forget about it all when you're sleep deprived with a baby and your focus shifts to dealing with that.

Here is a thread of a man who is experiencing complicated emotions about a new pregnancy. You can go and post your support for him there if you feel that gives one the right to give their partner serious consequences for feeling differently.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/4822205-pregnant-with-unplanned-baby-husband-is-adamant-he-doesnt-want-it

Family is different to a friend though, your husband is right. End of the day it's both your child, not just yours. I'd be hurt if I was your husband.

I find it very interesting how you dodge almost all things said about how its your hubby's baby also and he has a right to share and be happy also. Whatever a therapist says it will always be there own personal view. If you can't agree before baby is born God forbid once it is. Your so wrong almost using the pregnancy to get what you want and discarding hubby's feelings. I could never do that.

Goodness, you’re quite the drama queen.

Pregnancy is very different for men. They don't experience any of the physical stuff, they're quite detached from the process of it all. I'm sure it is hard for him to talk to his family but not be able to talk about this huge thing that is happening, and talking about it might make him feel more involved. But if you agreed not to tell people, then he will have to stick to that. It's just sad that neither of you are able to enjoy this pregnancy.

But that's not really what OP is saying. She seems to be saying that she hasn't adjusted to the fact of being pregnant at all, having a baby, any of it. Obviously for all of us the whole process of pregnancy involves large areas of uncertainty that won't be resolved till the baby is borne, but we manage to adjust to the fact of being pregnant considerably earlier than 16 weeks.

Me too. What actual harm would it do for relatives to know?