To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

I'm assuming they know that you have sex - and apart from you are pregnant, what would he be sharing

Keeping it secret from them is hurtful, you can ask him to say everything is fine, but seriously - its his baby too

I think agreeing to tell close family after the 20 week scan is a good compromise?

"vulnerable", "advocate", "gatekeep" - three cliches in two sentences. Good going

Maybe he needs some support and doesn’t want to burden OP. I think if he makes clear OP is not to be approached until she’s ready, then it’s fair he shares his news

I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

Don't base your life off what you read about strangers online, which may or may not even be true!
It is very, very, very uncommon for someone to hide their pregnancy right until birth and if they do there are probably much bigger factors involved.

I have to say I agree with your husband, you're already at 16 weeks which is quite far along so I feel like you've had your time to process it in private already.
Now it is just borderline selfish to say you will decide let his mum know at 20 weeks and mayyyybe siblings.

I'm not sure why people think the future grandparents are going to be so upset/offended. Surely it's just good news, when it comes, when OP is ready. Are they going to be sitting there calculating the months and saying 'oh you told us late'? Surely an acceptable answer is 'we wanted to wait until we were ready and we knew everything was OK with the scan'?

You told your line manager but he isn't even allowed to tell his mum! At 16 weeks many people who pass you on the streets will probably be able to tell.

Unless there is a big back story with your families I think yabu.

I wonder, based on what you’ve said, if you’re fully comfortable with the pregnancy, and you don’t want to get overwhelmed by the reactions of others when you’re still processing it.

YANBU.

@Butchyrestingface If he did that I would be concerned about our relationship in general, as we've always been a united front wrt anything with our families. For example, when he proposed he knew that my parents both would like to be asked permission, and that that was important to them, and that I would be fine with him doing that. He didn't like the tradition (fine, his choice) and so he didn't, and when my parents were hurt about that I didn't turn around say - "sorry Mum and Dad, nothing to do with me, blame him". Even though that was true, we're a team on these things to other people, even if we've internally had discussions.

I don't think he'd do this anyway, we're united in being a united front and supporting each other even if we've disagreed between the two of us. This is more about the upset its causing us both as we disagree.

I had to tell my line manager, my job is one where I needed to let them know very early for my own safety reasons.

Anyway practical advice to OP. Yes you're being really weird about this but if you insist, can you at least make it fun for your husband in the intervening weeks?

When will you see your parents to tell them in person - can you plan a fun surprise and get your husband involved in that

So at least your family thinks "oh how cute, they wanted to tell us in person and that's why they waited" and not "why is OP so weird and withholding info from us"

And then try to not be weird about too many other things during the pregnancy? Like don't ALSO be one of those people who doesn't let family visit until 2 months later

This is exactly it. I don't want to be overwhelmed by other people's reactions when I'm still feeling very strange about it all, and still adjusting.

I think it's irrational because I can't see any good reason for you to keep your pregnancy a secret? I genuinely don't understand it. I literally phoned my mother with the steaming pregnancy test in my hand! Didn't share it widely though until 12 weeks.

I can understand it taking some time to come to terms with how quickly it happened, and that's fine, I get that.

I think I'd be hurt if my daughter kept the news from me. I can understand how your DH feels like he is being somehow dishonest.

I think you're being really unfair. It's his news of his impending fatherhood he wants to share and he's waited a really long time already. It's as much his news as yours. When I miscarried my first pregnancy it didn't cross my mind to tell DH not to talk to his own family. He was grieving too and it was just as much his news.

After the 20 week scan is what I'm suggesting, so as someone else said, it's not much longer to wait.

But it sounds like that isn't really what you're promising. You have said tell your mothers at 20 weeks, and "maybe" siblings, so it is still just dangled in front of him with no clarity.
Would you object to him telling friends at 20 weeks since you aren't even sure if you want siblings to know?

It's not mere medical information. The man is shortly going to be a dad ffs. It's a big deal!

YABU, it’s your husbands baby too and he is going to become a dad. You are 16 weeks and he only wants to tell those closest to him. Could he tell his mum and siblings and tell yours after the 20 week scan?

well it's something you're going to have to discuss. It is, as PPs said, his baby too.

It's not private medical information. It is a new member of their family - it's not as though they're all going to be asking to attend scans and so on (probably).

On the other hand - you need to know that you are both on the same page about telling people, and how much you tell (the sex, the due date, when you go in labour etc). It's pretty normal to tell people at or around 12 weeks usuall.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, i hope it all goes well.

Pregnancy and pregnant women are probably more visible now than they have ever been, at least in regards to the last few hundred years.

That aside, I’m not sure what’s wrong with an approach that centres women, given they’re the ones who actually go through pregnancy.

@Butchyrestingface If he did that I would be concerned about our relationship in general, as we've always been a united front wrt anything with our families

So you would then be expecting him to field the upset and distress of family members regarding a decision he vehemently disagreed with?

I think the comparison to the circumstances of the proposal is a bit of a red herring - it's quite common in society today NOT to ask permission of the bride's parents before proposing and has been that way for decades. But what is far less common, to the point of being highly unusual, is not telling one's family (if you're on good terms with them) that you're pregnant until late in the pregnancy, if not the actual birth!

I think many people would find THAT troubling and indicative of some issue in the relationship with your families.

If you insist on this secrecy until the third trimester or - God forbid - delivery of the baby, I think you should be the one to field all hurt discussions/enquiries/comments from the families. This understandably is a big issue for her husband and is not a joint decision between you, so unfair imo that he should be on the receiving end of the emotional fallout.

With this update I think it would actually help you more to talk about it with others. I get that it was a shock but keeping it a secret is making it more overwhelming and likely to cause you more anxiety as you worry about getting overwhelmed with people's reactions. The longer you leave it the more likely these reactions will be more of a big deal and you'll be more overwhelmed in telling people.

I think agreeing to tell close family after the 20 week scan is a good compromise?

not really a compromise - it is exactly what OP wants and not what the father of the child wants.

I think you are being unreasonable.

You say you are using this time to come to terms with the pregnancy. That your way of processing is keeping it to yourself and your DH. But it sounds like your DH's way of processing is by sharing with his immediate family, and you aren't allowing him to do that.

You have the ability to feel the pregnancy, which your DH does not. And as much as it's your body, your DH's life is going to change massively by becoming a father. I think he should be given the time to process that.

Maybe a compromise could be that he tells his mum (having her keep quiet until 20 weeks) but waits until after the scan to tell his siblings.

This isn't the same as abortion. Yes it's your body, but it's not just your life that is changing, and it's not just your baby.

do your families have any kind of relationship? let him tell his when he wants and you tell yours? and tell his that they aren't to share this super secret news?

I agree - I rather think the opposite would be the case, that you would get swept up in your family's excitement. Your DH has already waited for 16 weeks.

If you are "feeling strange" and "adjusting" now, I would be concerned about how you will cope when the baby is born. A chat with your GP might be a good idea?

It's your and your DH's baby obviously but this is a brand new family member...