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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

382 replies

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 15:31

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

OP posts:
Kiwano · 07/06/2023 16:40

Sapphire387 · 07/06/2023 15:37

Ok, so do men get a say over whether a woman terminates a pregnancy? No, and rightly so. OP is pregnant, not her husband. Do you think it's ok for a man to override the wishes of his pregnant wife when it comes to her medical info?

Show quote history

But it's SO much more than medical information, isn't it?

Sugargliderwombat · 07/06/2023 16:42

Oh OP I was YOU this time last year. If you feel how I feel (which, now I look back was probably a bit depressed) I totally get where you are coming from. I HATED the idea of having to pretend to be happy when deep down I wasn't. I was miserable and exhausted and couldn't picture being a happy family of 3, so telling people became a huge anxiety for me. He forced me to do it at some great big meal he planned for his mums birthday and I remember feeling absolutely shit. So so shit. I'd say ask him to tell them but explain you arent feeling up to celebrating (lie and say you're ill or just worried etc).

Original poster
whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:42

Freefall212 · 07/06/2023 16:40

I think the fact that is isn't allowed to have his own feeligns about it is an issue. It is very controlling to tell someone how they have to feel and to tell them they are betraying and hurting you if they have their own feelings and feel differently. As much as you are upset that he isn't sad and confused about this, you actually can't control the fact that he might be excited to be a parent. You can hate him and try to punish him for not feeling how you have told he can feel but at the end of the day if he is excited to have a child, then he is.

It is quite sad for him and the child yet to be born that you are upset that there are any positive feelings towards the baby and being parents. At least when the child is born, one parent will want them.

Sorry, what? I'm not sure where most of this has come from. Where have I said I've told him he isn't allowed to have his own feelings on this? I've listened to him discuss this a lot over the last few days. And where did you get that I hate him? This post is a lot of conjecture.

OP posts:
Busbygirl · 07/06/2023 16:42

You’re being utterly precious.
It’s your husband’s baby too. I feel sorry for him.

catsnhats11 · 07/06/2023 16:43

It sounds like you don't want anyone to know until you are 100% you will keep the baby (which will be decided by 20 weeks). I think that's fair enough, but understandably hard for your DH especially as this was planned and he's probably just excited to share the news. I agree with another poster actually that you might find it easier to process and enjoy once you start to talk about it with other people.

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/06/2023 16:43

Maray1967 · 07/06/2023 16:37

Why? If my husband had told anyone before I was ready he would seriously have regretted it. It is the pregnant woman’s news - not his.

It doesn’t matter that the parents and siblings don’t know until 20 weeks. What is the problem? I delayed telling relatives for quite a while after several mcs. No one asked why we had kept it quiet - they weren’t that stupid.

Show quote history

It's not the baby's father's news that he is going to be a father???!

Have heard it all now.

I had miscarriages too. I needed my family's support.

RegeRegeRege · 07/06/2023 16:43

Maray1967 · 07/06/2023 16:37

Why? If my husband had told anyone before I was ready he would seriously have regretted it. It is the pregnant woman’s news - not his.

It doesn’t matter that the parents and siblings don’t know until 20 weeks. What is the problem? I delayed telling relatives for quite a while after several mcs. No one asked why we had kept it quiet - they weren’t that stupid.

Show quote history

It’s his baby too, how is the fact that he is going to be a Father NOT his news!?

Personally I think OP is BU and saying ‘if you tell anyone there’ll be serious consequences’ is emotionally manipulative. If you don’t want to have discussions with people about it because you don’t want to see their reactions then so be it but he should be able to tell his parents and also tell them they aren’t to speak to you about it yet.

Original poster
whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:44

Sugargliderwombat · 07/06/2023 16:42

Oh OP I was YOU this time last year. If you feel how I feel (which, now I look back was probably a bit depressed) I totally get where you are coming from. I HATED the idea of having to pretend to be happy when deep down I wasn't. I was miserable and exhausted and couldn't picture being a happy family of 3, so telling people became a huge anxiety for me. He forced me to do it at some great big meal he planned for his mums birthday and I remember feeling absolutely shit. So so shit. I'd say ask him to tell them but explain you arent feeling up to celebrating (lie and say you're ill or just worried etc).

I'm so sorry you went through that - that's just so unfair of your partner :( Thank you for being so understanding, and I really hope you are a happy family of three now ❤

OP posts:
DappledThings · 07/06/2023 16:44

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:40

@Maray1967 @Cheeseplantt - I'm glad everyone was supportive! This is what I'm confused about with other posters who are talking about being upset and offended, would anyone genuinely be nasty to a pregnant woman and her husband about this? I can't imagine being that self-centred about someone else's baby news.

People can be upset without being nasty. If they are upset it doesn't mean they are going to be attacking you.

But "selfish about someone else's baby news" is how I'd describe your position. You're being selfish about his baby news and very reasonable desire to share it.

Flymetothemoon2000 · 07/06/2023 16:44

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:32

We were in total agreement about not telling anyone until about a week ago. I think people are acting like he's been desperate to tell people for months, when that isn't the case. We're talking about 4 weeks difference here of when to tell, people are acting like he's been in misery and secrecy for months and that isn't reality.

He's obviously been trying to keep you happy.

I think you are hard work.

Oftentimes · 07/06/2023 16:44

Your husband only needs to wait a few more weeks and the fact that you don’t live near your families makes it easy not to tell them yet. I think your husband is being very unreasonable. Realistically it’s not going to make much difference whether your families know or not at the moment. The pregnancy is much more about you than him, you’re the one carrying the baby. He needs to respect your wishes on this.

Purpleboat · 07/06/2023 16:45

@whiteslemonade i think it’s perfectly reasonable to stick to your initial agreement. I would ensure you and DH are on the same page in terms of who you are telling and when. I’m a private person too, but DH is not. We’ve had a couple of ‘hiccups’ where he has shared more than I would like, so now we check in and agree to ensure we are both comfortable.

The only thing I would consider is what your DH needs in terms of support if you get ‘bad’ news. Will he struggle leaning fully on you knowing you are already going through a lot. We lost one of our babies pre-12 weeks, but had agreed that DH could tell his close friend on confidence. He had some support in supporting me and I could support him but knew when I was struggling he had some additional support too.
I think ultimately you will know each other and your own needs best and need to have the arrangements that suit your family unit best.

Nordicrain · 07/06/2023 16:45

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 16:32

We were in total agreement about not telling anyone until about a week ago. I think people are acting like he's been desperate to tell people for months, when that isn't the case. We're talking about 4 weeks difference here of when to tell, people are acting like he's been in misery and secrecy for months and that isn't reality.

People aren't "acting" like anyhting. They are responding based on the information you have given. You made out this was an issue, said it would make you reconsider your relationship if he didn't agree to your united front, and now you are back tracking and saying this isn't a big deal at all.

raabbgghhrbb123 · 07/06/2023 16:46

I too can see both sides, however I told my mum very early week 5 and week 4 because on both occasions I wanted her support as we are very close and we actually live together so no hiding the increased loo trips really. 16 weeks along is a pretty safe gestation to inform people if that's what you are worried about. You might find the support of an in the know parents a great help.

Sallyh87 · 07/06/2023 16:47

I totally get it! I hate to be the topic of conversation, particularly regarding my health.

I feel that while your husband is having a baby, you are the one who is pregnant and therefore get to decide to announce it.

Congrats BTW x

Cheeseplantt · 07/06/2023 16:47

Honestly no one was upset that we hadn't told them before as they were too excited. I don't think a dingle family or friend asked why we'd keep it secret.

To those mentioning needing support if something went wrong, neither of us would have sought support other from each other as we're private people.

We also didn't want our other dc to know about it until we'd had the abnormalities scan to protect them from any bad news.

It'd only 4 weeks to wait so I'd be sticking to after the 20 week scan if I was you.

Good luck

Irequireausername · 07/06/2023 16:48

No it's not weird, especially as it's your first baby. It won't make any difference in the long run.
There's nothing wrong with you, some people are just more private than others. Enjoy!

Creative33 · 07/06/2023 16:48

We told early and then lost the baby at the start of the second trimester. It was very difficult to go back to family and then retell the story to each of them (some of them live in a different country).

The next time we didn’t tell anyone until after the 16 week scan. I found it was much better to delay telling them simply based on the facts that 1) we knew it was a healthy pregnancy and 2) it also cut down the amount of time that I was being asked repetitively if we knew the gender yet.

You could wait until after the 20 week scan and say you’re telling them then because you wanted to tell them it was a healthy pregnancy and the gender? (if you’re planning on finding out and revealing)

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/06/2023 16:49

I'm absoloutley with you on this op - it's news that should be shared at a time you both can mutually agree. Whenever that falls.

There is nothing wrong with waiting for the results of the anomaly scan before sharing the news. So what if its not "the norm". That doesn't make it wrong!!!

When you tell people you are pregnant you basically (to most) become "the pregnant woman" who nevers gets asked anything other than pregnancy related questions so best staving that off as long as possible.

If my dd shared after 20 weeks with me, I'd feel all cosy inside at the thought of her and her dh having this beautiful little secret to share. How selfish I would have to be to think anything else.

GrimDamnFanjo · 07/06/2023 16:49

I waited until after 20 weeks with our final child. I'd had x2 mc and for various reasons I wanted to keep the preganc ny to ourseleves till after the 20 weeks scan.
My mother was majorly miffed but you reap what you sow...

justgettingthroughtheday · 07/06/2023 16:49

Wow you are being massively massively unreasonable!!!
At some point your going to have to accept
That life isn't all about you anymore!

I would be massively hurt and feel completely disrespected if I was your husband. I understand not wanting to tell the world and his wife yet but the grandparent!
I understand you are struggling with it. I understand that you want to deal with it on your own but that doesn't mean your husband operates the same way as you! Being pregnant doesn't give you free pass to bully and manipulate him. He may need to feel the support of his parents. You are asking home to lie by omission for you and that is not fair.

But your clearly not going to listen to reason!

Kiwano · 07/06/2023 16:49

whiteslemonade · 07/06/2023 15:53

This is exactly it. I don't want to be overwhelmed by other people's reactions when I'm still feeling very strange about it all, and still adjusting.

Show quote history

Still adjusting after 16 weeks? What is going to change in the next 3.5 weeks? Suppose you feel at 20 weeks that you haven't adjusted yet, how long are you going to leave it? Is it possible that keeping it secret is actually preventing you from adjusting?

As a matter of interest, how would you react if you discovered today that someone has worked it out already and they congratulate you publicly? Some people can tell well before the woman concerned has a bump. Or how would you react if, as often happens, you produce a bump virtually overnight so it will be obvious to everyone who sees you, even though you still feel you haven't adjusted?

Hyppogriff · 07/06/2023 16:50

Sorry but I’m with your husband - he might need some support from others too - it’s not just about you (speaking as a very feminist mum of two)

Creative33 · 07/06/2023 16:50

And no - personally I didn’t want ‘support’ after the miscarriage.

Nobody we knew had been through a second trimester loss before, and I didn’t want to keep talking about it again and again.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/06/2023 16:51

Still adjusting after 16 weeks? What is going to change in the next 3.5 weeks?

Confirmation that the baby is generally healthy, in most cases. It's not unreasonable to be nervous and feel unsure about things when you are basically waiting for a significant health check on your unborn baby.