Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

I agree. There are a lot of first wives seemingly on MN and they are very critical of second wives whatever they do unless it's completely rolling over and letting the first wife dictate everything.

It's clearly completely unreasonable for her to think she can just swan into your house whenever she wants. How people can call you controlling when this is her behaviour astonishes me. I do think you would have felt less bothered about her being around your children if she hadn't overstepped.

The reactions would have been very different if it had been a MiL you were talking about, and they'd actually be a relative of those children! UANBU at all OP.

YABU

It sounded like a pretty nice situation before. Have you ever considered that she maybe didn't find it that easy to be that friendly. I'm sure it must have involved effort on her side.

I would revert back to how it was.

Sadly I agree

So there was a long term arrangement that worked. You went along with it for-how long, maybe 4 years?-then all of a sudden, out of the blue, unilaterally changed it drastically. And you're surprised it's not going well? How do your partner's children feel about the new arrangement?

I agree. There are a lot of first wives seemingly on MN and they are very critical of second wives whatever they do unless it's completely rolling over and letting the first wife dictate everything

You think it OK the ex is not allowed to drop off her children?

I mean, a huge issue of many step mums is being left alone for even a short time whilst her partner picks up the DSC because the ex won't get involved in transporting them around.

And plenty of second wives hugely critical of what a first wife does.

This!

Reading between the lines, I assume you did this because you're worried she and her new partner are on the brink of splitting up and you think she's going to try and get your dp back?

You do sound a bit threatened and jealous of her. It sounds like she was a bit over the top but her heart was in the right place. She was being kind to your children and it sounded like a pretty stable situation for all the children in general with all grown ups getting along and creating a friendly accepting atmosphere for the children. The coming into the house when no one was home did need addressing but it sounds like you’ve used a sledge hammer to crack a nut and now soured everything.

This is my post, so I’ll respond. All the more reason to go about this in a completely different manner, if mum and dad managed to figure out an amicable co-parenting relationship for the sake of their children. Even after mum had an affair then that should’ve been preserved for the children’s sake.

Any step-parent who willingly comes along and decides everything needs to change and ruins said co-parenting relationship by going about things in a completely ham fisted way. Introducing upset and acrimony into a previously stable relationship needs to take a good long look at themselves.

Introducing boundaries or setting stricter limits is absolutely normal and fine, but think about all of the children in doing so and go about it in a sensitive more effective manner.

The coming into the house while you are not there is the only boundary I think she overstepped. Otherwise it sounds like they had a fantastic co parenting relationship where the kids could see that their parents can get on. Also children can't have too many people that love them, I think it's great that she didn't resent your children but welcomed them into the family. Yabu

I absolutely agree she should only be coming into your house when invited, yes. but she's there to visit her children, it's their house too, your husband is obviously over his anger towards her, so its just a polite thing to touch base when you share children. The children learn some good civil adult relationships.

But. I do disagree more about the situation with your child.
I will let you know my position. I have two older teens with ex and a younger child now 6 with husband. My ex has never been too much with my youngest BUT he has always surprised me generally he's an arsehole but he has always taken an interest because his children have a sibling, as have his parents. He gives him a card for birthdays, small gifts and Once even took all three out for the day as the teens wanted that.

Your child has siblings, her acceptance, interest in your child probably comes from that, supporting her children and THEIR family. Long term, all of the parents involved won't be there but they will have each other. It's good if they feel like family, rather than separate families!

I’m a step mum and I can’t tell you what I would give to have a friendly relationship with their mother. Or even just for her to be friendly to DH. It’s so much better for the children involved if all the adults can get along. Personally I think you messed up a good thing here. Sure she sounds a bit much and you could have reduced things a bit without going all in on no contact with her. If I were you, I would be prioritising sorting this out.

They are seperate families though. Like two overlapping circles. There is no need for the ex and the DC and even OP to be in the middle bit. Just the kids.

That's a really odd way of looking at it. There's a massive difference between resenting them and cuddling them and being over familiar.

I dont think the boundaries are the problem, it's the timing.

The way she probably sees it, and possibly your partner, is that you were happy with the set up and when your baby arrived you went from a chilled out blended family, to banishing her from the house (the kids will have also picked up on the change of pick up/drop off).

Playing devils advocate, it could be seen as you presenting one way until you have a baby and he is deeply invested and then changing the rules, at which point it's not easy for either of them to say that you dont fit into their relationship.

Whilst she isnt biologically your childrens family, she is part of it to some extent because she is a huge part of their siblings lives. They will hear stories about her and get a sense of who she is.

I think had you put rules in place to begin with, you would all have been on clearer ground. As it stands, you probably have some compromising to do. Id start by allowing pick ups and drop offs.

It may not be your ideal but a compromise would be in the interests of him, her and the kids. The current set up of pick ups and drop offs only really suits you.

Asking gently, does it bother you when she holds the baby as it reminds you of them as a couple and you feel creeped out like she is pretending him, her and the baby are like the first time around?

Sounds like it once was a nice coparenting relationship. She loved your child and treated it like family. Now you've established boundaries, she no longer treats you like family. Now she's treating you, how you treat her. It's not rocket science. Your kids are siblings so their mum is a part of your family, whether you like it or not. So the fact she was nice and agreeable was a bonus, until you ruined the relationship. It's not too late to welcome her back? Perhaps talk to her.

"There's a massive difference between resenting them and cuddling them and being over familiar."

The baby is her children's sibling-not a random baby in a supermarket! "Over familiar"? Bloody hell.

The other problem is different expectations. They obviously expected and were happy with a big blended family, perhaps an it over involved and with weird dynamics a bit like Modern Family, whereas I think you expected a Venn diagram family - you, him, your kids & her seperately and his kids in the middle.

That child is nothing to do with her. She has no need to be cuddling it.

And yeah over familiar. If she doesn't even like the kids mum why would mum let her near her child

"And yeah over familiar. If she doesn't even like the kids mum why would mum let her near her child?" Because the child is her children's sibling.

I have no idea why you're getting a bashing. Probably the only thing you did wrong was to allow it to continue for so long. You don't have to have her in your house if you don't want to. My stepkids get dropped at the gate and they're not emotionally scarred.

Tough. My DH's ex has never met be despite me offering. She's not going near my child without meeting me first.

But it wasn’t healthy! What’s healthy about the father being scared to rock the boat with the mother, who would barge into his home, make demands, and turned massively on her ex partner’s new wife as soon as she tried to instil decent and respectful boundaries? One being too afraid to say no, is not healthy and it’s not amicable.

The only boundary that was needed was her not letting herself into the house when you're both not there. The rest of it was a great co-parenting relationship that was healthy for the kids that you have demolished for what?