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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

512 replies

Stickytofpud · 07/06/2023 00:25

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

OP posts:
4plusthehound · 07/06/2023 04:18

MysteryBelle · 07/06/2023 02:45

I cannot believe the comments and the polling. Op, do not pay any attention to the “hideous” posters verbally assaulting you on this thread. They must have problems that have nothing to do with you.

You are correct to put boundaries in place. Your husband should not be tolerating any talk from her about you. She has inserted herself into your business and your children and that is wrong. She has violated your space, your baby’s personal space, your marriage and boundaries, both yours and your husband’s.

He’s going to have to get tough, stay calm but firm. I would not allow her within 100 yards of my children, she sounds obsessive and creepy. You’re doing the right thing. Do not give in whatever you do or you’ll regret it.

Op, do not pay any attention to the “hideous” posters verbally assaulting you on this thread. They must have problems that have nothing to do with you.

This is terrible - many people have expressed opinions, some with passion and verve but assaulted?

4plusthehound · 07/06/2023 04:21

What stands out to me is that you accepted the status quo for a numer of years but then upended the whole thing.

But it is clearly important to have boundries.

Tricky!

ImustLearn2Cook · 07/06/2023 04:25

Boundaries are not about controlling other people. Boundaries are about how you govern yourself.

Colourfingers2 · 07/06/2023 05:40

I’ve seen this sort of thing before is her name Claire by any chance?

sourcorn · 07/06/2023 05:48

Hi - stepmum here.
I think the issue you have is like you say- you jumped into the situation as it was and everyone else was happy with the situation as it was.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your partner saying ok, let's not do the whole going into each others houses thing I'm a bit uncomfortable with that now. But it has to come from him and in an ideal world it would have happened before you and your dc were on the scene.

I also get where you are coming from re your own child. Personally my DH's ex hasn't ever met our child but then she hasn't ever met me - I've offered to meet up with her but she hasn't been fussed. If she's not interested in saying hello to me then I'm sure as hell not letting her meet my child. However this is kind of a very hard boundary to put into place after the event tbh.

sourcorn · 07/06/2023 05:50

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 07/06/2023 03:41

I don’t see how you read that as a healthy co parenting relationship ship, it is not at all. A healthy co parenting relationship means respecting each other especially when your ex starts a new sanity with someone else not bashing in making orders and acting like an idiot.

The OPs husband only went along with this because he is spineless and can’t face up to his ex wife for fear of rocking the boat, how is that a healthy relationship?

If her husband wanted to maintain his relationship ship with his ex as is then he should not have dated and married her, to expect the relationship to stay the same with her having anytime access, snapping orders for coffee, grabbing their child is asinine.

Show quote history

I agree it doesn't sound healthy at all

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/06/2023 06:06

Some fucking nutters on here. Some ex wives with serious issues 😂
You have learned the hard way @Stickytofpud that keeping quiet, saying nothing and being a doormat does you no favours down the line. No man is worth this absolute bullshit yet you cling on. The ex wife has called the shots for so long of course she was going to struggle with that control being taken away!
Jesus wept, the trolls on this thread trying to insist that this is normal I just can't.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/06/2023 06:09

You need to have a long think about why YOU have tolerated this for so long. First time she tried walking in my house would have been the last. What women put themselves through for the sake of a man.

orangegato · 07/06/2023 06:11

YABVU for getting into a step parent relationship and alienating their mother, it’ll affect them.

So what she likes your baby, why does that bother you? It would not bother me.

Poor kids

stayathomer · 07/06/2023 06:16

I think people on here are being beyond ridiculous and can’t believe what you’re being called but it’s a pity it’s gotten here- you (all) decided the family was to be an unusual blended family and then suddenly pressed stop. I think you all need to work at rebuilding the (blended) family and yes you can have boundaries, but they don’t have to be so obvious or forced

babyproblems · 07/06/2023 06:21

I think you’ve had some harsh replies here. I wouldn’t like such a situation either and I agree that she has no relevance in your child’s life and I wouldn’t want to encourage that either. It sounds to me like their level of involvement was still too high and I would have felt like you. Good luck xx

Campervangirl · 07/06/2023 06:24

I'm surprised but not shocked at some of the replies, probably coming from exwives who hate their DC stepmum.
Exw has had it her own way for far too long, who lets themselves into another woman's home without permission, picks up their DC for a cuddle, walks in and tells her ex to make a cuppa tea?
I'll tell you who, an exw who is marking her territory, she might as well cock her leg and piss up the wall.
There's no need for her to enter your home, it's where her DC live when with their df not where she lives.
Her actions are of someone who's saying "this is my house, my family, you're unimportant, you're an interloper, I'm in charge and I'll prove it"
She could magnanimously state how good you were to her DC but what she meant was "she's dancing to my tune"
Now you're not letting her have her own way you're the biggest piece of shit going.
You have not smashed their co-parenting arrangement, you have put boundaries in place, of course she doesn't like it, you've taken away her power to insert herself in your life.
In any other situation no-one would allow another woman to walk into their home, demand tea and pick up their dbaby, you'd throw them out.
Chuck in a couple of stepdc and all of a sudden this woman is a saint, at least in the squewed world of mn.
Stick to your boundaries

Sux2buthen · 07/06/2023 06:25

Don't let the 'pummelling' replies get to you, they mean less than fuck allGrin
So many post on here with what they would or wouldn't do but they're not in the situation.
If you were the first wife and you posted saying you'd left him for someone else and now you like to let yourself in, cuddle the baby and linger in your old house everyone here would tell you to move on and back off.
Its your home too, you've been patient. Your house should be your sanctuary. I think there's probably compromise to be had but your feelings matter too.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 07/06/2023 06:27

I think you've overcorrected. I think it would be extremely reasonable to say she has to stop coming into your house when none of you are there. But why must your partner pick up and drop off the children, that's overly controlling and may not be convenient. What if they're out, and it would be simpler for her to drop them off on her way back home, rather than go home and wait. I agree she shouldn't walk in uninvited and demand a cup of tea when she's dropping off though.

cansu · 07/06/2023 06:29

Why does it upset you that she is kind to your children? A work colleague or neighbour who is close by might be similar. It sounds like you are very insecure. What is the danger here? I think it is a shame you have turned a good Co parenting relationship and a nice blended fame vibe into something acrimonious.

Yousee · 07/06/2023 06:30

Campervangirl · 07/06/2023 06:24

I'm surprised but not shocked at some of the replies, probably coming from exwives who hate their DC stepmum.
Exw has had it her own way for far too long, who lets themselves into another woman's home without permission, picks up their DC for a cuddle, walks in and tells her ex to make a cuppa tea?
I'll tell you who, an exw who is marking her territory, she might as well cock her leg and piss up the wall.
There's no need for her to enter your home, it's where her DC live when with their df not where she lives.
Her actions are of someone who's saying "this is my house, my family, you're unimportant, you're an interloper, I'm in charge and I'll prove it"
She could magnanimously state how good you were to her DC but what she meant was "she's dancing to my tune"
Now you're not letting her have her own way you're the biggest piece of shit going.
You have not smashed their co-parenting arrangement, you have put boundaries in place, of course she doesn't like it, you've taken away her power to insert herself in your life.
In any other situation no-one would allow another woman to walk into their home, demand tea and pick up their dbaby, you'd throw them out.
Chuck in a couple of stepdc and all of a sudden this woman is a saint, at least in the squewed world of mn.
Stick to your boundaries

Thanks for this, saved me typing it out 😄
This thread is through the looking glass stuff.
Obviously nobody with any sense of socially acceptable behaviour or respect for other people would behave like this woman has been. And he's been a bit of a twit to allow it for so long.
Personally, my relationship with DH would never have got off the ground if his relationship with his ex was like this. As it is, somehow we all manage friendly relations, even including my children, without anyone ever stepping over anyone's threshold. It's completely unnecessary.

ACynicalDad · 07/06/2023 06:30

Your husband sounds like a door mat, first for her, now for you. What does he think?

Sissynova · 07/06/2023 06:33

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

How on earth does holding a baby mean you have an obsession and think it’s yours??

I actually think for the most part you’re making the co parenting dynamic as difficult as possible.
The parents being mature and maintaining a friendly relationship is best for the children. Children don’t want to have 2 entirely separate lives with no crossover, being pick up at the end of the drive etc.
Coming in for a quick cup of tea while the kids get their bag is actually a very good thing.
You’re letting your insecurities of him having an ex wife cloud your judgement and your enforcing things that actually are not beneficial for your step children.

Darkandstormynite · 07/06/2023 06:38

First rule of Mumsnet is don't post in AIBU if you're a step parent

Second rule of Mumsnet is don't post in AIBU if you're a step parent

Rookie mistake there OP 😉

devildeepbluesea · 07/06/2023 06:38

As someone who coparents very well with my XDH, you sound like a bloody nightmare. Why on earth would you want to regress the arrangement so much? I’m with the ex-wife - those poor kids.

BubziOwl · 07/06/2023 06:38

I think there was probably a middle ground to be found somewhere between letting herself in when you're not there and not even being allowed in for a cup of tea...

olympicsrock · 07/06/2023 06:40

I’m sorry . I also think OP has been unreasonable. There is fault on both sides here. She appears to have been very heavy handed banning the mother from coming near one of the children’s homes.
pick ups from either house with the parent being welcome for a cup of tea and chat is far more normal and helpful for the children.

Yes to boundaries but this is the Berlin Wall.

SchoolShenanigans · 07/06/2023 06:41

Well written OP, you've got the "woe is me" routine nailed down well.

But from what you've written, I think YABU. They had an amicable relationship which must have been lovely for the kids. What could have been stressful and upsetting was made easier by them seeing their parents get on over a cup of tea.

I really don't see what the problem with a cup of tea was. And what exactly did she come into the house for when you weren't there? I would imagine it was for kids stuff and that your partner agreed given she must have had a key.

You waited patiently. Then, when you fell pregnant, you took the opportunity to use your new power to create animosity. Well done you.

I hope the kids are ok in all of this. Sounds like your husband definitely has a type. And that for you at least, your goal has been accomplished. You clearly felt his ex, despite ending a marriage and marrying someone else, still loved your husband and you decided you wanted her no where near you and your husband, but it doesn't work like that when you have kids (or shouldn't if it can be helped for the kids sakes).

SchoolShenanigans · 07/06/2023 06:44

devildeepbluesea · 07/06/2023 06:38

As someone who coparents very well with my XDH, you sound like a bloody nightmare. Why on earth would you want to regress the arrangement so much? I’m with the ex-wife - those poor kids.

She clearly felt threatened from the beginning.

I agree with you, it's the kids who'll suffer. Step mum of the year, she is not.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/06/2023 06:44

devildeepbluesea · 07/06/2023 06:38

As someone who coparents very well with my XDH, you sound like a bloody nightmare. Why on earth would you want to regress the arrangement so much? I’m with the ex-wife - those poor kids.

I agree. I feel sorry for the kids, not an insecure wife.