Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

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New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place)

So he can go to her place for all things children, but she can't go to yours? You don't see an issue with that?

You don't need to invite her in but you shouldn't control the situation so tightly. It's a bit of a mess and you are at the heart of it.

It sounded like you had all quite a positive relationship as far as coparenting goes, which was good in front of the kids too and you've ruined it and created this problem.
I don't know if you can fix this.

i think YABU. It’s better for the children for the parents to maintain an amicable relationship. She is part of your family whether you like it or not and that is the situation you knew you were getting into.

It’s not unreasonable to want a few boundaries but the time to put them in was when you first moved in or jumped on the over-burdened train tbh. Not a train I would have jumped on.

Try to be civil to her; an occasional cup of tea isn’t the end of the world - it’s nice if she is kind to your dc as well; they can’t have too many people love them

OP you probably should have posted this in the step-parenting board rather than AIBU. Stepmums are not allowed to have boundaries and mum's must be allowed to call the shots at all times.

Joking aside. You absolutely have every right to decide who does or doesn't come into your home. There is zero need for her to be in your home and I'd say it's very unusual for that to happen in a step family situation. You can continue a good relationship with their mum without her being so present. The fact she has reacted so badly to the boundaries you have places for your own home and children just shows she never had any respect for you. Her aim has always been to have some level of control and to remind you of her presence and importance.

Honestly, the people saying you're being unreasonable, I'm sure they'd love having their partners ex in their home all the time. Not!

Your partner's ex can sulk all she wants. You are his partner now and his priority should be you feeling comfortable and happy in your own home not making his ex feel happy.

If it worked for them before u came along ,u should of kept your nose out and left them to it
all u have done is stir up a hornets nest

Your problem isn't having boundaries. It's that you had to insist to your DH that he has some with his ex.

Don't be his consolation prize because his Mrs cheated.

Are you fucking serious?

What is it with threads started by stepmothers that trigger some posters (presumably bitter ones, who have children with ex partners who have moved on…) into being unbelievably vile to OPs…?!

Women on here are constantly being laid into for having weak boundaries. A woman (who has stepchildren for half the week) puts in gentle and fully understandable boundaries (ex-wife is not to barge into their house, demand tea and become weirdly territorial about their new children 😳) and she’s torn to pieces by posters, who are likely triggered by their own broken down relationships.

Sort it out, Mumsnet.

Another sad situation where it's only the kids getting hurt.

For those who say the OP doesn't sound jealous she specifically said theres no romantic feelings, then explicitly said on her DH's part in brackets, which is an insinuation that she doesn't trust him with this woman, and that part of the reason for her introducing these boundaries was because the ex is having issues with her H. She's clearly worried about her own DH having a relationship with this woman - even though it's whats best for the children.

As Mel Robbins would say…. just let them…. it’s not worth the stress.
You might have some anxiety or worry that something bad might happen? have a think what that might be?

See, I read that as she didn’t presume to know how the ex-wife was feeling.

I so agree with this. Some children have a lot of stress and fear in their lives-affection from their siblings’ mum isn’t something to put ‘boundaries’ on. And how are you going to police her contact with your children when they have siblings?Letting herself into your house-no-but the rest makes for a relaxed family life.

No I just think it's best for the children to see a healthy co-parenting relationship.

YABU I'm sort of in this situation. Having parents get on is in the best interests of all the children.

We'll never be best friends but ex will often have a beer at handover with our two DC and he's familiar to and has always cuddled my young DC's with current DP. Equally I regularly do childcare and the school run for his DC with new wife. That DC is sibling to my children, of course I care about them.

All my DC's have a close relationship and for that reason DP and I made the decision to name ex and his wife their guardians in our wills should anything happen to us. Just so they can all stay together.

Don't get me wrong, we've had our moments where things have been strained but we talk them through. And the step parents have known where to take a step back to let us figure it out as it's our children that are caught in the middle. We don't need our new partners to dictate our relationship which only exists because of the kids we share. If anyone is overstepping boundaries it's you.

So things took a turn for the worse when you 'got information' about her being too familiar with your child and that her marriage was in turmoil. Who gave you that information?

I think it's absolutely out of order for her to be able to enter your home when you are not there. My bf ex did this and he tolerated it for ages until I pointed out that it was his home and he didn't have to tolerate it if he didn't want to ! My ex has never stepped foot in my home and we do drop the kids off at the door and they have not turned into psychopaths and it's been nigh on 7 years now. This has included me sometimes waiting in the rain outside for them to come downstairs when I went to collect them.
My kids have step siblings and whilst I have seen them and made appropriate arent they cute noises when born I'd never think of picking up. There's no relationship there and nor does there need to be.
Whilst I think your boundaries are totally reasonable, the unreasonable part is introducing them after an extended period. You may want to relent a bit on some of them as it will have seemed probably quite an aggressive move to suddenly lay in a ton of boundaries. So why not relax a couple eg sure she can come in and drop kids but don't offer her a cup of tea and just keep you & the baby out of sight when she's there as it is just a drop off. Or just hold the baby yourself. Toddlers often hate strangers so I think this will be less of an issue anyway. That seems to be one of the maon concerns for you anyway.
Definitely she doesn't need a key or access to your house when you're not there. But I'd say make a peace offering now maybe say something like "look I realise that this was a big change for you so happy for you to drop kids off as before". Definitely harmonious exes make for happier kids and this change has introduced some issues.

You don't mention how old your step kids are but honestly all this drifts away as they get to teen years as they mostly sort themselves out and there's less need to "interact" with the ex.

This issue has been manufactured by you. Are you worried that she has designs on your husband op? I have 2 children of my own and a step-child, and I would be really upset by your behaviour.

Very surprised by the majority of comments on here. I think your mistake was putting this one in AIBU. Step parents don’t do well in AIBU so sorry you e had such a hard time.

I think some of the boundaries need to be in place. Maybe they should have just been introduced a bit more gently/gradually as it had gone on this way for so long, instead of a sudden change. No way would I be happy with her coming into the house when nobody else was home. I’d have changed the locks (although obviously not helpful once the step kids are old enough to have their own key).
Saying hello and being friendly to your baby is nice, but it sounds as if she was getting too involved. I think I’d have started by taking the child out when she was due to arrive.
I don’t see why she can’t drop the kids at yours, maybe just needed to start making it a quick drop and go. Saying you had plans etc, rather than her coming in for a cuppa all the time.

Have you ever cuddled her children? She was happy with that. I think the problem is the boundaries being put in place so late, you became friends years after they had split and let her be around your baby, and then took it away when she had done absolutely nothing wrong. This was your issue not hers and it changed the dynamic for her kids too. I can see why she’s upset.

What are you basing this on ?

You’re getting pummelled because it sounds like you walked into a healthy and happy, very established co-parenting relationship

......where the exW took a wrecking ball and ploughed through the family by having an affair, and then added insult to injury by marrying the bloke.

I'd be giving her a wide berth too. A person who does that to the father of their DC is utterly self centred. She did this, and thinks she can come into her ex's house and play happy families there too. She must have an ego the size of a planet.

I don’t think you’re wrong, but I can understand why it’s pushed the exes nose out.

OP.I’ve been in a similar situation and ultimately blended families are hard. However that is the situation you’ve entered and you need to accept certain aspects of it. The key things that jump out at me is your feelings about your own children. Like it or not they are half siblings to your DHs kids and so total separation is not realistic. It’s much better for the kids for there to be cordial relations and I think you’re being a bit possessive.

Question is did dh really not like the ex coming in or did he just agree with the wife for happy wife happy life.

When it comes to parent’s separation making sure the children are ok is surely number one. These children saw their mother and father having a chat, drinking tea together. They saw their mother open arms accept their step mother and their brand new baby half sibling something many step parents would kill for and you torpedoed all of that because she loved your baby and gave them a hug and kiss?

I find your husband clearly has a type and it’s dominate women doesn’t make you right and her wrong though. It was working for all the children including yours because there was peace and harmony and love.