Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

Exactly. The ex obviously had a visceral reaction to the big changes. This idea that she's just trying to be petty shows a complete lack of empathy.

Of course she would have felt shit to be told I don't want you near my kids....I would feel that that's quite a loaded and accusatory 'boundary'....Being banned from being around someones children implies the person is awful, even a danger.

A lot of these responses come across as disingenuous in the rush to make out that ex wives are always out to get the stepmums.

Everyone knows that they get upset/confused etc. when someone just apparently turns on them and in this particular case it's likely to be very emotive as kids are involved.

@Lachimolala see I am a ex wife (and you will have to excuse my self indulgence but I feel like I have every right to hate my ex and be bitter) but I can't actually quite see why anyone would be offended by the change( even if historically been allowed) to not come into someone's home uninvited, demand to be served tea and have a key.

If it's not my home and I have no legal ownership I can't imagine why I would feel affronted tbh.

But say this did happen, I suppose I would reflect back on my actions and instead of asking "why have you let your gf ban me from the house" which to me is pretty hostile - I would ask there's been a shift what's up with that ? Have I overstepped in anyway ? As I agree you catch for flies with sugar than honey. But that rule applies both ways.

Of course the ex can have feelings about the change, no one's emotions in this situation mum or sm is wrong.But using your kids as weapons to me (regardless of how hurt you are) as a adult is bad parenting and can and should be kept separate from emotions you feel.

I think it's slightly disingenuous saying that mums upset about trusting her kids with op, it's not like happened straight after op had a baby and she's pushing them out.
Op doesn't have a issue with her DSc. She has a issue with mum letting her self in and having a key which I think is normal.

Dsc have again has zero to do with it. Which is why i imagine mums upset, because she no longer has control over something she felt entitled to but doesn't obviously just my opinion.

But genuinely question of this was a dad acting like this and the house was mums and step dads. Would people be defending dad ?

Because it would be a day in hell that my ex thought he could roll into my house and demand a cup of tea from me and kick off about not having a key.

This is all v weird and all it's highlighted to me is frankly there are lots of pretty weird opinions have about their exes. More than I ever suspected 🤯

Does she have a key? Feel like that’s been said a lot but not confirmed by OP unless I’ve missed it somewhere?

I mean I’m not looking for agreement, but my take on it is from the children’s point of view. And yes they do matter, baffling to think they don’t have any bearing on any of this. It affects them the most.

OP can absolutely do whatever she likes, but like I said she’d have been better being smarter about it and ensuring the co-parenting relationship isn’t damaged in any way. I definitely think it could’ve been done by a smarter approach.

Now those poor kids have parents that sound like they’re at loggerheads because of such a ham fisted approach. Pretty unforgivable in my eyes.

I don’t feel particularly sorry for any of the adults in this to be honest, least of the dad. But I can understand where the ex/mum is coming from.

Also I don’t believe it’s disingenuous to say how I would feel if my ex had another baby then allowed mother of said baby to start making decisions that negatively impacted our children and our co-parenting relationship especially when stemming from insecurities - because I would feel like that. And if you have another read you’ll see I was talking from my pov to another poster. Not about the ex-wives pov. So not disingenuous at all.

We still don't know who was pouring poison in the OP'S ear about what the ex was supposedly saying.

@Lachimolala let's agree to disagree and thank you for sharing your opinion.

Also I think the key part is from the original ops post "dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff". Unless of course it's in America and they have people who let others in to apartments in emergencies. If no one's in the house, then there's no one to let her in eg she's got a key.

I assume she's got a key and not breaking in or coming up through the floor boards (which even with all this mess - Iif she had been breaking in, I'm sure op would have mentioned it)

Well I just don’t like to presume, I’m not into denigrating people based on assumptions. I had considered she picks things up from an unlocked porch perhaps, me and my ex both do that. Or maybe a keybox outside, who knows or cares really at this point.

Either way if she does have a key and is misusing it then her ex-husband should’ve taken it or sorted this issue long before the pot boiled over for OP like this. Hence why I said I’m especially side eyeing him in all this and really feel for the kids who are the real victims in this childish mess.

Are we all reading the same thread here?? It's madness.
ExW is weaponising her children here. She could have been mature about and asked the husband but she didn't- she threw a tantrum.

And since when is dropping off and picking up the essence of 'Co-Parenting'?
Blimey- the most important thing is being on the same page regarding the raising of the kids and their emotional wellbeing, not what street they get picked up of dropped off. It is the mother that is damaging the relationship by weaponising her own children and probably feeding them vile info to pit them against the SM.

OP, I hope you are ok. You've not damaged the coparenting relationship. It was a shit one to start off with- you called it out, and yes ruffled feathers but they needed ruffling for everyone's sake. The situation as is was not sustainable.

ExW needs to sort herself out and for the love of God the husband needs to buck up and step up

@piddocktrumperiness

ExW is weaponising her children here. She could have been mature about and asked the husband but she didn't- she threw a tantrum.

I would say the ex wife DID ask the husband, bizarre to assume that she didn't.

I have to wonder myself if we're reading the same thread because the OP has definitely damaged the co-parenting relationship

Well half of us are clearly missing something then-
How is asking for some privacy damaging the coparenting relationship?
How is asking for the ex to not waltz in as she pleases in a house that is no longer hers but is OP's damaging the coparenting relationship?

But,
Being snarky and calling OP names or talking crap behind her back IS damaging the coparenting relationship-and that is the ExW doing it.
If she continues she'll isolate the kids and create a hostile environment, which will damage the coparenting relationship.
The common denominator here is the ExW. Not the OP

The parents can still share duties perfectly well to no detriment of the children. with everything the OP has asked for (and the husband actually wants but is too chicken to say anything- further evidence the situation from the beginning was shit and only favoured the ExW)

Ahh, if what half of the PPS are saying is that the coparenting relationship has changed, then yes- so what? It wasn't healthy from the get go. Evolution and progression can be a good thing.

One of the worst things a parent can do when coparenting is bad mouthing the other parent in front of the kids. I didn't pickup anything from the OP's post to say she has done that, quite the contrary. The ExW on the other hand, seems to be doing that- that is creating a problem and that will be to the detriment of the children. They will feel that. They won't really care about dad picking up or dropping off- they'll sense if one of them is pissed off and it seems to be the ExW being all Me Me about it

@piddocktrumperiness
It's absolutely fine to put some boundaries in place but OP went nuclear.

It sounds like "I don't want you in my house, I don't want you even near my house and I don't want you near my kids again either"

Being snarky and calling OP names or talking crap behind her back IS damaging the coparenting relationship-and that is the ExW doing it.

She's doing it in response to what happened, and it was quite clearly already damaged before the exW got to that point.

If she continues she'll isolate the kids and create a hostile environment, which will damage the coparenting relationship.

The OP already made it hostile. Literally the very definition of the word.

The common denominator here is the ExW. Not the OP

I don't think you know what a common denominator is.

The parents can still share duties perfectly well to no detriment of the children. with everything the OP has asked for (and the husband actually wants but is too chicken to say anything-

How do you know? Maybe he liked it as it was

Where did you pick that up from?
I assumed she was bad mouthing her to the husband, not the kids.

And of course the kids will sense it but they will also have noticed that suddenly their mother wasn't allowed near the house or their siblings.

I can’t believe anyone would say YABU. Your partner and his Ex are bonkers to think that this kind of ‘hey we all get on sooo well we can just hang out all the time’ is OK.

It’s not OK! It’s really unhealthy. Especially for the Ex to be honest. Of course she doesn’t have to see you or the siblings or her Ex. She just has to get on with her own life with her own kids.

End of!

There is always kickback in these situations though. I think kickback is a real sign that you did the right thing.

If someone respects you, respects when you say ‘no’ - then actually you can be a bit freer to relate to them. Good fences make good neighbours. But the Ex who sees you put up a fence, and then tries to kick it down? No way.

It's not inherently unhealthy.

These days there are a lot of 'modern family' types who are a lot more civil, friendly and involved than there would have been in the past, and it works out great for everyone.

As a previous poster said, this might come back to bite the OP later on when her stepkids get older. She might find herself not invited to their events etc, either events thrown by the mother such as birthday parties or events/occasions that they have themselves as adults.

@Boomshock I mean there was a thread recently (where everyone got on great) and mum kept throwing parties on Christmas ect involving the whole family, grand parents and ops dh and not her and her son.

People were bending over backwards to say that even if they are friendly why should she invite sm.

I don't think good relationships mean you would be invited to parties ect. It certainly in imo wouldn't be enough of incentive to give someone who's already crossed moral lines a key to my house.

@candlesflamesandbrooms
In the real life 'modern family' situations that I've seen and experienced the SM would be invited.

Responses on here are not always reflective of real life at all.

And no, I'm not saying to give the ex wife a key to your house so that you might be invited to parties. I mentioned about parties etc. in response to people that are kind of saying "well done" and "kickback means you did the right thing".

Yes OP might have got what she wanted now, but it may very much bite her later on, the childhood stage is short after all.

I think the damage is most likely not going to be repaired in this case, so I wasn't saying to give her back the key at all, I was just saying that when it comes to things like this maybe it feels like a win in the short to medium term but there can be consequences in the end, so I certainly wouldn't be hailing this as some kind of success story!

What thread are you reading ? Everything was fine until the OP wanted her own ‘boundaries’ put in place. Those boundaries destroyed a perfectly amicable shared parenting arrangement and made things hostile. And now the OP has realised what she’s done, she’s posted wanting people to agree with her point of view.

You don’t make any mention of the children. That says it all.

@Rosscameasdoody possibly because it's not about the DSC.

Children tend to have ideas of their parents getting back together, I'm assuming all this stuff is actually quite confusing for them.

That said I don't think the ex having a key and letting herself into the flat (when no one's home) has any benefit for the children.

Many many split families (which my daughter has a sm) manage to have healthy normal boundaries and good co parenting relationships without any drama or people going into each others houses. My children don't have trauma because my ex doesn't have a key to my house and via versa

It says it all that your positioning this as a awful for the kids, when actually we have zero info on how the kids feel, and avoiding the actual evidence of mum using her kids as a weapon as she is no longer allowed unfettered access to ops home.

I do wonder if this was flipped how many people would be arguing for dad to have a key to mums... and dad kicking off at the children. This has been asked before and tumble weed 😒 wonder why 🙄

As I said this thread is ON GLUE CRAZY.

That's not 'boundaries'.
That's Hadrian's Wall.

"Everything was fine until the OP wanted her own ‘boundaries’ put in place. Those boundaries destroyed a perfectly amicable shared parenting arrangement and made things hostile"

Reasonable people don't kick off and use their kids as weapons if they are making someone uncomfortable in their own home.
It didn't need to be hostile. If I was mum I would be like ok no problem, anything I have done to cause ripples ? Mum had other options than going nuclear because she heard the word no.

If someone in your workplace says something creepy to you and boy go "ah no thank you I would prefer you not to do that" and that person kicks off and says it's my right to say what I want... and starts bitching to other people. That person is entitled and dumb, and I have asd and I'm supposed to miss out on social ques... fml.

As a rule if your not the owner of a house. Your not entitled to a key (unless power of attorney) And if you have one, it is not license to act like a toddler.

I know people get annoyed about sp being fully fledged people who are autonomous in their own right and are allowed to have their own boundaries. But if you don't think that's ok then that really does say more about you than it does the sp.

And I'm a fecking mum here fml 🤦🏼‍♀️

@candlesflamesandbrooms

Reasonable people don't kick off and use their kids as weapons if they are making someone uncomfortable in their own home.
It didn't need to be hostile. If I was mum I would be like ok no problem, anything I have done to cause ripples ? Mum had other options than going nuclear because she heard the word no.

It sounds like she probably did do that.
It's a year since the 'boundaries' were introduced and OP said it didn't go down well...the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.

So it doesn't sound like she went 'nuclear' at all at the start even though the OP did, but has started to now in the aftermath. And even then all she appears to have done is said that she doesn't want her in the kids lives, she doesn't appear to have done anything to try to stop her.

You're playing down the possible impact of what OP did and exaggerating and magnifying what the ex has done.

@Boomshock don't you get it ?

Saying no to someone isn't going nuclear. People are allowed to do that in their home with their own children. It's not even a thing

Look I'm not gonna argue with someone who doesn't seem to get that someone saying no to you, doesn't mean you need to threaten contact and throw toys out the pram.

No is a complete sentence as they say on here..

I’m sorry to say I think you’re being very unreasonable.

You’ve phrased it as not respecting boundaries , but you had a modern blended family that was working well for the children and you decided to erect new walls. I think she must feel extremely hurt.

. I think it’s wonderful that the ex was affectionate to your children - they are her children’s half siblings.

@candlesflamesandbrooms

I would say it's going nuclear to say that she wants the ex to have as little contact with her kids as possible.

Perhaps you don't.
But that doesn't mean that your opinion is correct.
Many of the rest of us see it the other way.

Also it's interesting how you go from A to B without any consideration of the likely impact, or the things that would have happened over the past year etc.

Very black and white thinking to not be able to consider any nuances of the situation.

No is a complete sentence, you're right, but that doesn't mean there won't be consequences.

I could have said NO to a lot of things when it came to my ex, but there is a lot to consider when it comes to co-parenting relationships, saying NO could have long term negative consequences, or maybe just short to medium term, but it all has to be weighed up.

Sometimes I had no choice but to say NO and then deal with the consequences that arose.

Very weird to say 'no is a complete sentence' in the context of this thread, considering No is never really the end of the story when it comes to an ongoing situation and dynamic between people.