Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

@Boomshock we are going to agree to disagree tbh.

But we do agree that actions do indeed have consequences, mum was crossing lines (like letting her self in to their house when they aren't there) ordering her ex to make her a tea and generally overstepping any social norms for years. Op reacted as result of mums actions cumulatively and what's really upsetting people is there is really little blow back on op or DSc or her child and that's why mum is trying to use her own children to poison the well (which again very well may blow back in her face when the kids are old enough). My sister (half) went NC with her mum when she realised as a adult what her mum had been doing.

The only one who has lost something here is mum.
A reasonable person can hear someone say no and first reaction is not start bitching to her children who are stuck in the middle and reflect on their actions.

Being hurt doesn't excuse any of this in my book as your kids aren't there to manage a adults feelings (and didn't need to hear about any of this in the way it was put) but again your completely right. We are probably just very different.

Usually try to defend mums here but sorry this type of behaviour imo gives the rest of us a bad name.

@candlesflamesandbrooms

that's why mum is trying to use her own children to poison the well (which again very well may blow back in her face when the kids are old enough). My sister (half) went NC with her mum when she realised as a adult what her mum had been doing.

It could go either way.

The only one who has lost something here is mum.

Yet the OP started a thread here...and said "It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it."

A reasonable person can hear someone say no and first reaction is not start bitching to her children who are stuck in the middle and reflect on their actions.

The OP never said the ex was bitching to the children. I assume she's bitching to the husband.
And once again you're saying 'first reaction'......even though this is a year later. You do not know what the first reaction was at all.

Usually try to defend mums here but sorry this type of behaviour imo gives the rest of us a bad name.

Again, completely different opinion here because I think this thread gives stepmums a bad name rather than mums.

A fortified defence designed to stop one side being looted for animals and valuables, by the other…?

Can’t believe this thread is still going. Infighting between those who coparent with ex partners, and those who don’t, and those whose partners coparent…

It’ll run forever, won’t it?

Reasonable people don't kick off and use their kids as weapons if they are making someone uncomfortable in their own home. Agreed. This really does show how unhealthy the relationship of the Ex was, as if it was healthy which means respectful, cooperative, then the OP finally having a say (rather than acquiescing to keep the peace) would have been respected by the Ex. It wasn’t, the Ex thinks she is entitled to have a key to the OPs house. Bonkers!

I agree with you @candlesflamesandbrooms

All this BS about it being good for the kids. I grew with divorced parents, and sometimes loose boundaries like this. It was excruciating and awkward for me as a child. There is zero benefit to children of having their mum able to walk into their Dads and step mums house. There is a lot of harm however being told by their Mum that evil old step mum is ruining her life.

@CherryBlossomAutumn

This really does show how unhealthy the relationship of the Ex was, as if it was healthy which means respectful, cooperative, then the OP finally having a say (rather than acquiescing to keep the peace) would have been respected by the Ex. It wasn’t, the Ex thinks she is entitled to have a key to the OPs house. Bonkers!

Maybe the ex would have got over that or agreed with no problems, and it was the "don't come near my kids" that caused her to react this way.

The bonkers thing is that people are ignoring that! or making out it's no big deal.

@Boomshock So what if she doesn’t her to be involved in her kids lives? My mother doesn’t want to be involved in my half siblings lives, and if she insisted, which is the point isn’t it, she’s saying she has to be involved, that’s really out of line. And really weird. This is what the OP reported,
the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either....

Totally bonkers!

@CherryBlossomAutumn

The 'so what?' is that it is something that was likely to cause extreme offence. She previously had some sort of relationship with the kids and was then told she was to have as little contact as possible.

Again, it's 'bonkers' that people are ignoring that and making out it wasn't a big deal and that it would not affect the dynamic between the stepmum and mother.

@Boomshock yes you might have your nose out of joint for a little while, but ‘extreme offence’? Is the Ex took it like that, and also said that her children could then not be around the SM, who happens to live with the father, so pretty tricky… well that’s the bonkers action. The Ex didn’t just ‘feel aggreieved’ she kicked off big time, insulted the OP, and was prepared to put high conflict in the middle of her kids lives, by telling all she wasn’t going to let them near the Dad’s wife. Which is terrible behaviour. Even if you felt hurt, no way should you take that kind of action.

The OP just put up with a bad situation for too long, that’s the only mistake here.

Yes, extreme offence.
Being essentially banned from childrens lives is something normally reserved for the worst of the worst.

You're talking about the ex taking action, but what action has she taken? None as far as what I've seen apart from say some words to I assume the ex husband. OP didn't say at any point that the kids had been stopped from going.

@PipMumsnet
You have identified and articulated what you think works for you. Why are you trying to fit your into a slipper of a different sized. You have too.little time invested in this fledgling relationship to try and bend either of you out of shape.

Move on and let both of you find a relationship where you have to become contortionist to please the other.

Neither of you should have to feel that you are right or wrong. Just keep looking for the one who shares your perspective. That is where you will find compatibility. You can not create compatibility; you can only find it. Sometimes you can compromise, but that only last if the benefit is greater than the cost of charge.

You are NOT alone!! My hubbys exwife has always hated me, manipulated her kids to hate me too. Like you, hubby didn't want to rock the boat because of how she'd react. I don't live my life like that. He actually used the phrase "keeping things on an even keel"! Fast forward almost 10 yrs and things finally settled down. Now theres drama with hubbys sister and she's turning to the exwife. Exwife is keeping my hubby apprised of what sister is doing/saying. Except she's texting him at almost midnight AND texting him directly, not in the parent group chat. A major boundary was texting in the group chat and not directly. It's a major trigger for me. I understand everything you're going through and I know how shitty it feels. I hope things are going better!