Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable OP. I can't believe some of the comments on here.

I don't know how healthy a co-parenting relationship it was-waltzing in is not healthy. It sends mixed signals to the kids. The EX cheated, she can't assume she can waltz into her ex husband's private space/home like that. He has moved on, she has moved and it seems one sided, favouring her.

I would get your partner to deal with this. You can voice your concerns to him and he should talk to her about it.

I suspect the people bashing her are women with ex partners who have new partners and possibly more children. They’re triggered because in this story, they’d fall into the role of the adulterous (in this version) ex wife, and so they’re feeling defensive.

She is! She’s just not allowed to waltz in and make demands anymore.

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom I am in exactly that situation. I'm just not a twat. But I suspect you're right.

Of course you're not being unreasonable OP only on mums net!!

She sounds annoying and I’d probably find her intrusive, however, you knew what you were getting into. The children will not be if it from these ‘boundaries’. Imagine it from her perspective, she was enjoying a great relationship with all of you. She saw your children as extended family. Then bam, she’s not allowed in the house! She’s right to feel hurt and she’s acting out. I’m sure there is more to the story but I think you need to re-build some bridges.

I think it’s a shame for the children - you have painted yourself as the villain in their eyes. The woman who banned their mum from the house when everyone was getting on so well.

I don’t really understand why it bothers you that she hugs and kisses your small child — but surely you can speak to her about it. Little Emma doesn’t like to be hugged so much - we are teaching high fives instead of hugs?

it doesn’t really make sense - I assume she annoys her oh and you dislike her - but we all have relatives who irk us. It’s best for the kids that they see her you all getting in. You have put yourself first and upended the co- parenting.

when they are grown up they will look at all this and realise you took a bit of comfort and normality away from them.

OP, the status quo before all your sudden boundaries was so good for the children and your DH was happy with it too.
It was only you who didn’t like it. Fair enough, you had put up with it for a while so wanted some things to change.

But I think you threw the baby out with the bath water.
Your sudden sweep of big changes wasn’t what your DH wanted as he knew it would rock the boat but you persuaded him anyway, ignoring his concerns.
It was all too much at a time.

And so it was very offensive to the dsc mum, especially as she was suddenly faced with never being allowed interaction with your child as if she was a monster and especially as she was suddenly not allowed over the doorstep. She had been friendly …over friendly maybe….but you made her your enemy. How sad.

In your very determined mission to sweep in your boundaries, did you not stop to think how she would feel …..and therefore how her children would feel and therefore how her children’s father would feel to have this awful upset in their own household. Yes it’s your home too of course but you crashed all the good nature and good will for everybody including yourself, when there was a simple much cleverer alternative. You could have handled it in a less offensive way … introducing barely perceivable changes much more gradually, one at a time so that everybody had chance to get used to it without really noticing.

Is it possible you could try to do something to restore that previous happy atmosphere and good will with your dsc mum so that you no longer feel like the baddie in all this ?

I think in doing that, you will get some of the peace you wanted in the first place.

This is about your partner’s co parenting relationship with his ex. It is up to him, not you, how he wants to facilitate the co parenting relationship he has with his ex

Hmmm I disagree with this.

This is obviously an established relationship now (between OP and her partner I mean) of quite some time, with children of their own involved too. This is OPs and her children's home we're talking about here that the ex demands a cup of tea in and lets herself into to pick things up, it's OPs own children she's feeling uncomfortable about. I don't think excusing that as 'nothing to do with you, it's your partner's co parenting relationship with his ex so none of your business' is a good enough excuse anymore. It is OPs business when we're talking about her home and her children and she has as much right as anyone to say I don't want your ex wife letting herself into my home.

I just really strongly disagree with the notion that step parents should just sit quietly and feel uncomfortable in what is equally their home because they married a man with an ex. I married a man with an ex, we all get on fine but she's never just let herself into my house nor has my husband hers! Nor does anyone demand cups of tea and refuse to do a quick collect / chat at the door and go when dropping or collecting the DC.

I agree with PPs above too that 'healthy co parenting relationship' on here often means controlling parent continues to be controlling post separation and the other 'doesn't want to rock the boat'. Thats not my definition of healthy personally. It's not healthy to only go along with someone's behaviour because you don't want to deal with them becoming mad at you no longer doing so and it's a joke really to say as such.

Don't listen OP, the kids are not going to get emotionally scarred. In fact, it's good for them to see healthy boundaries put in place otherwise they'll grow to accept that in their future lives and they'll get walked all over. They're loved and cared for by all of you so they'll be fine.
Get your DH to deal with this

and your DH was happy with it too.

Was he? OP states in her opening post that he agreed with her about the changes but was worried about rocking the boat. That doesn't strike me as someone who's always been super happy with the arrangement. More like someone who's going along with something for an easy life because he knows the other person will kick off if he doesn't. Yeah... Super healthy.

And of course we have a you knew what you were getting into - how can anyone even type this with a straight face? Twats.

i see where you are coming from. And I sympathise, dhs ex is around our house a lot (me and dh don’t have kids). But fortunately she’s ok and we get on fine. Though sometimes it feels like my house isn’t mine. But it’s been such a help over the years that we all basically get on, there’s a long haul ahead of weddings, graduations, funerals etc.

so yes you need boundaries but just because she’s the ex it doesn’t mean she’s not part of the family….

The time to set boundaries was at the start. It’s difficult to introduce them retrospectively without causing major upset as you have seen.

Trying to keep the peace for fear of rocking the boat is counterproductive - it has just introduced more maelstrom in the long run.

As things are the situation that you’ve created will take time to fix, I suspect with a bit of compromise from both sides.

No. I think its unreasonable to be constantly messaging your ex, waltzing into his house (and that of his wife) and demanding to be made a cup of tea, dropping into their house when they're not in. Also the treating their child as if it's their own is a bit weird.

To me it's like she thinks because she was once married to the DH she still has some kind of ownership over him and that extends to his house and his children that aren't hers. I'd want to put some boundaries in around that. If you wouldn't then that's up to you, but the OP is not being unreasonable.

And I've read a lot of MN posts about second wives doing loads for the SC and being given the runaround by first wives, so it goes both ways. What you don't get is a second wives club piling it like you do the first wives club. And I'm not either so am looking at it objectively, unlike you I suspect.

She shouldn't be letting herself in, by the way. Easily solved by locking the door so she has to knock.

Yes.

Nobody said that you are hideous - you are really coming across as a drama queen now though. You knew what you were getting into, and nothing you have decsribed seems awful - they have a good parenting relationship and aren't throwing the crockery! That is a good model for the children - all of them including yours. You sound really precious and objecting to someone giving your child a cuddle or a kiss - this isn't some complete stranger. I think some boundaries are appropropriate, but not to the extent or with the speed that you have put them in place. Just walking in to your home - that's not on if that is what she is doing. But inviting her in - what harm is there in that?

In your very determined mission to sweep in your boundaries, did you not stop to think how she would feel …..and therefore how her children would feel and therefore how her children’s father would feel to have this awful upset in their own household. Yes it’s your home too of course but you crashed all the good nature and good will for everybody including yourself, when there was a simple much cleverer alternative. You could have handled it in a less offensive way … introducing barely perceivable changes much more gradually, one at a time so that everybody had chance to get used to it without really noticing

Do you hear that, OP? You should have put yourself and your baby last. The first wife is much more important than you, and should be treated as such. Especially by you.

That load of tripe must have been written by a first wife…

The only one controlling here is the ExW. She clearly gets what she wants and is now having a tantrum and being petty and dragging the kids into this. If she was a mature caring and considerate mother, she would respect the fact that she crapped on that relationship first, that she has moved on, that she should respect that her ExH has moved on and has a new family. Her behaviour has been enabled for a long time and that is the problem. She could do with boundaries. She should not let this get in the way of raising healthy and happy children anyway.

Stand your ground OP.

You think it OK the ex is not allowed to drop off her children?

I think if she'd have behaved reasonably to start with i.e. not strolling into their house and not leaving until she's had a cup of tea or letting herself in when the occupants aren't there then she'd probably still be fine to drop her children off there.

If my husbands ex was just letting herself into my house whenever she wanted too I'd be telling her that in future DH will do the dropping off as well. Why should I have to accept that?

I haven't read all of the posts by others, just the first few but my situation in similar in that me and my cd's dad split due to his infidelity. I have now been with my dp for 4 years (although we don't live together, he is here quite a lot).

When my ex picks our dc up, he comes in and waits for them to be ready. Yesterday my eldest wanted him to look at something in his bedroom so he went upstairs. If he has them for the weekend, he often comes here to get thigs they have forgotten and sometimes I am not here (he has a key). I bought him out of the family home but I also have a key for his place for the same reason.

I think my dp found it a little unusual to start with as he has nothing to do with his ex but he respects that this is what works for us and our dc and that this was in place before I met him and my dc always come before anything or anyone else.

We also go out as a 4 for the dc's birthdays and we all go to special events together (performances, etc). Sometimes dp will come but often not his thing.

My ex has recently got a new gf and last time I picked our dc up from his, she was there with her toddler and we all had a chat together.

I'd much rather it this way than any animosity or awkwardness for us or the dc.

She said in the OP collection is to be from ex wives address. Imagine if the ex wives husband had the same attitude, suddenly in becomes an unhealthy tit for tat, the children will hang around in tesco car park waiting for you.

Alot of woman on here seem to have the attitude of put the bitch in her place, she cheated after all, you're the woman of the house now. The cheating is totally irrelevant. I highly doubt the ex wive gives a toss about the new baby. She will have shown an interest for her DCs sake. Yes she was most certainly over familiar but the OP knew what she was getting into. The priority should be the children, not some woman who chose to marry a man with children. And there is a massive middle ground between putting boundaries in place and banning the ex wife from drop offs.

If a woman posted on here and said her new husband was fine with the status quo until they had a baby together, and has now banned ex from drop offs, everyone would be saying this is a massive red flag.

Have you even read the thread? Have you seen some of the verbal abuse that first wives posters have thrown at her?

"Tough. My DH's ex has never met be despite me offering. She's not going near my child without meeting me first."
I agree. Absolutely. That's not what's going on here though, is it?

She is. She's a complete no one to that child. If DH died then OP wouldn't have to have anything to do with her.